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  #1  
Old 08-12-17, 08:10 PM
amc92 amc92 is offline
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Anger Triggers

Newbie to ADHD here. My son (7) has been recently diagnosed.

Currently I'm putting things in place to further help my son but I am really struggling with a certain anger trigger.

He can go from 0-60 in a matter of seconds BUT I somewhat feel like his anger/frustration is justified this time. I have a Step Son who is 6 and he and my son get on ok, but he acts like he knows everything and if you have done something/have something, he has done it better or more or his things are better etc. This is his attitude constantly with my son and he is always telling him he is wrong when my son know he's right.

I mean if someone was like this constantly with me I know exactly how I would feel.

My question is what's the best way to deal with it? My partner hasn't quite come to terms with the diagnosis and has never really been consistently supportive of my son's need and loses his patience. He also doesn't address his own son's attitude. This boy is spoiled at home by his mother so that she doesn't have to deal with his behaviour, he sits on an Xbox 24/7 and just barks demands from his bedroom, she also tells him I'm not his step parent and to not listen to me and just to his dad. Therefore there is a lot of 'welly dad said..' rather than listening to me.

I am starting to feel quite resentful towards this little boy and how manipulative the situation is coming and I feel terrible about that but I also have my son to think about.

Sorry for rambling. I'm open to any suggestions.
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Old 08-13-17, 05:57 AM
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Re: Anger Triggers

Does your step son have any issues beyond the behavior stuff? I am not saying its ok, but from his perspective being in a home that he only visits can make him jealous too. Does your husband have any issue with his son treating his own mother the way you mentioned- barking orders at her from his room? Are you sure his treatment of your son is completey unjustified?
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Old 08-13-17, 12:30 PM
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Re: Anger Triggers

Easy. Call the kid out in front of your son. "Being a braggart is very unattractive.". " Bragging is poor manners", "You're bragging again". Etc...

Nothing like shining some sunshine on poor behaviour to help make it go away. By doing so you also let your son know he has an ally, this allows him to feel part of his burden is shared and something is being done about it.

None of this has to be done in a mean tone and after pointing it out to your stepson a few times, take him aside, talk to him in a concerning way and say this behaviour is obnoxious and when you do that people don't like you. Let others see your accomplishments of which I'm sure there are many and let people praise you. They won't as often as you like but they will respect you.

Then find things to praise about both boys in each others hearing. A kid who brags is insecure, become his ally too. Let him have the opportunity of gaining your respect.

When it comes to step parenting you need to be your child's ally. His son is being obnoxious and that is hard to deal with. Don't let your son's behaviour become the sole focus and if the father won't call out the son you do it. I'm certainly hoping you turn a deaf ear to any barking of orders. Resentment comes with this territory. The mom will set this up, the child will feel an obligation yo not like younor betray his mom. It's ****ty all around.

If you need more, hit me up.

Good luck!

Last edited by ginniebean; 08-13-17 at 12:42 PM..
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Old 08-14-17, 02:17 PM
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Re: Anger Triggers

Speaking from experience here, you as the step parent are responsible in how that boy is raised. It is the father who needs to sit down with the kid and you and say "She is my wife and a parent in this house. Whatever she says goes, just act like I said it because if I hear that you have disobeyed her you will have to explain to me why, and I'm probably not going to like it.

You can't have one boy treat you like scum and expect it won't rub off on your other child treating you that way too! This has nothing to do with ADHD this has to do with step parenting. To be blunt your husband either backs YOU, or this will not work. Feel free to send me a private message. I have been through the step parenting thing and actually wound up with that child later on....it was a trip and a half!
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Old 08-15-17, 01:59 PM
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Re: Anger Triggers

Quote:
Originally Posted by amcateer92 View Post
Newbie to ADHD here. My son (7) has been recently diagnosed.

Currently I'm putting things in place to further help my son but I am really struggling with a certain anger trigger.

He can go from 0-60 in a matter of seconds BUT I somewhat feel like his anger/frustration is justified this time. I have a Step Son who is 6 and he and my son get on ok, but he acts like he knows everything and if you have done something/have something, he has done it better or more or his things are better etc. This is his attitude constantly with my son and he is always telling him he is wrong when my son know he's right.

I mean if someone was like this constantly with me I know exactly how I would feel.

My question is what's the best way to deal with it? My partner hasn't quite come to terms with the diagnosis and has never really been consistently supportive of my son's need and loses his patience. He also doesn't address his own son's attitude. This boy is spoiled at home by his mother so that she doesn't have to deal with his behaviour, he sits on an Xbox 24/7 and just barks demands from his bedroom, she also tells him I'm not his step parent and to not listen to me and just to his dad. Therefore there is a lot of 'welly dad said..' rather than listening to me.

I am starting to feel quite resentful towards this little boy and how manipulative the situation is coming and I feel terrible about that but I also have my son to think about.

Sorry for rambling. I'm open to any suggestions.
The bolded part is extremely important. Regardless of his son yours deserves to have his condition validated, supported and understood.
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  #6  
Old 08-15-17, 02:01 PM
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Re: Anger Triggers

Just knowing the step son gets to act like a jerk with no repercussions is enough to damage the self esteem of your son and sets a bad example. How to get attention? Act like a jerk long enough to get mom to blow her stack.
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Old 08-16-17, 04:28 AM
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Re: Anger Triggers

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Does your step son have any issues beyond the behavior stuff? I am not saying its ok, but from his perspective being in a home that he only visits can make him jealous too. Does your husband have any issue with his son treating his own mother the way you mentioned- barking orders at her from his room? Are you sure his treatment of your son is completey unjustified?
Thank you for your reply.

He has no issues. I get the jealousy thing. I should say that my partner and I also have a daughter together, she is almost 3, and he fights for his dad's attention with her. For example, if she is sitting with her dad he will tell her to go and get me so that he can have his dad's attention and not her. She's nearly 3! I expected this to begin with and my son was the same but soon learned that he really couldn't have all my attention.

My partner does have a big issue with the way he speak to his mother and is always at loggerheads with her, it often falls on deaf ears.
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Old 08-16-17, 04:33 AM
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Re: Anger Triggers

Quote:
Originally Posted by ginniebean View Post
Easy. Call the kid out in front of your son. "Being a braggart is very unattractive.". " Bragging is poor manners", "You're bragging again". Etc...

Nothing like shining some sunshine on poor behaviour to help make it go away. By doing so you also let your son know he has an ally, this allows him to feel part of his burden is shared and something is being done about it.

None of this has to be done in a mean tone and after pointing it out to your stepson a few times, take him aside, talk to him in a concerning way and say this behaviour is obnoxious and when you do that people don't like you. Let others see your accomplishments of which I'm sure there are many and let people praise you. They won't as often as you like but they will respect you.

Then find things to praise about both boys in each others hearing. A kid who brags is insecure, become his ally too. Let him have the opportunity of gaining your respect.

When it comes to step parenting you need to be your child's ally. His son is being obnoxious and that is hard to deal with. Don't let your son's behaviour become the sole focus and if the father won't call out the son you do it. I'm certainly hoping you turn a deaf ear to any barking of orders. Resentment comes with this territory. The mom will set this up, the child will feel an obligation yo not like younor betray his mom. It's ****ty all around.

If you need more, hit me up.

Good luck!
Thank you for your reply and your advice, it's very helpful.

We don't give in to the 'barking demands and now purely just ignore him until he comes to us and asks.

I will take everything you've said on board!

Thank you again.
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Old 08-16-17, 04:54 AM
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Re: Anger Triggers

Quote:
Originally Posted by Caco3girl View Post
Speaking from experience here, you as the step parent are responsible in how that boy is raised. It is the father who needs to sit down with the kid and you and say "She is my wife and a parent in this house. Whatever she says goes, just act like I said it because if I hear that you have disobeyed her you will have to explain to me why, and I'm probably not going to like it.

You can't have one boy treat you like scum and expect it won't rub off on your other child treating you that way too! This has nothing to do with ADHD this has to do with step parenting. To be blunt your husband either backs YOU, or this will not work. Feel free to send me a private message. I have been through the step parenting thing and actually wound up with that child later on....it was a trip and a half!
Thanks for your reply.

My partner does support me when I tell him his behaviour is unacceptable but do feel he could be a bit more proactive in saying so! I will bring this up to him again, he knows how much it is actually putting a strain on our relationship.

Thanks again.
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Old 08-16-17, 05:03 AM
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Re: Anger Triggers

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Just knowing the step son gets to act like a jerk with no repercussions is enough to damage the self esteem of your son and sets a bad example. How to get attention? Act like a jerk long enough to get mom to blow her stack.
Thanks for this and your other reply.

I understand what you are saying. The diagnosis is new and we are both coming to terms with it. We both find it hard to differentiate between ADHD behaviour and being a brat behaviour so I do understand why patience is lost and admit that I have also lost my patience too. I always apologise to my son for over reacting and this is rubbing off on him as he now does the same once he's is out of his anger bubble. I will keep working on my partner and myself!

The rules are the same for all of our children but obviously the discipline is different for them l. Our 3 year old has recently been introduced to the naughty spot but can thankfully say she isn't on it very much haha. My son's comfort space is his bed so he goes there to chill out etc but he shares a room with my step son so often feels this space is violated.

My step son doesn't particularly behave badly e.g.. hitting etc. But is very nasty with his mouth therefore I'm not sure how to approach it and not sure a naughty spot would be the best thing.

Thanks again
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Old 08-17-17, 09:54 AM
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Re: Anger Triggers

Tell him you will take away devices if he continues to act this way.
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Old 08-17-17, 02:34 PM
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Re: Anger Triggers

I suspect your stepson is just trying to get appreciated, noticed, liked and feel like he is apart of the family. I see this in the professional field as well, they sometimes never grow out of that, but that's ok if you recognize what's really going on. They have some insecurities and feel the need to be either in control or better so people can look up to them.

We had a guy just like that and on top of that he would make up **** about himself just to show off and brag. Most of our co-workers did not like him. One of them asked my why I even waste my time talking to him. I told him what I see when I talk to him, a 35 year old 6 year old looking for attention. And I treat him as a 35 year old 6 year old. I will call him out respectfully (usually) when he is pouring it out so much we all need boots! They do need to be called out sometimes so they know not everyone will except their stories and some will call them out. But for the most part they are harmless, sure they can be annoying but if you understand their mindset and motives it's a lot easier to deal with, they are not a threat, they can just be annoying at times, but usually harmless.

I would just have a heart to heart with your son, perhaps if he understands what's really going on, when it happens he can deal with it better.
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