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Old 08-10-17, 09:54 PM
Lostandconfused Lostandconfused is online now
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Please I need some clarity

Hi there, I'm a 45 year old single father of 2 young children. Separated for 2 and half years.

A bit of my back ground.

Every since I was a child my teachers would say that I fidget a lot and day dream. If only he applied him self because he is smart. Before that my parents took me to pediatrician when I was 4 because my parents said I was hyperactive. Another family friend mentioned when he was tutoring me he said I was always walking around annoying other students in the tutoring room. So there is some of it. Didn't make many friends in primary school and didn't understand why. I didn't care I had my cousins and family friends. I didn't have a lot of confidence. My parents always called me lazy. Nothing could get through when I was in class as I was always distracted. I didn't like confrontation and I was very sensitive to rejection and criticism. I always internalised it. As I grew up my grades became worse. I wouldn't complete homework. I had this idea of how it would look but never did it. My parents thought I was stupid. Lazy! I remember being disciplined a lot by them. I lived in my own world. I'd have cousins stay over for weekends and when they left I felt sad and lonely. I was always active and could play most sports very well.

As I grew up to become a teenager I became a little rebellious but didn't have confidence. All my peers were getting ahead and knuckling down and maybe had some idea as to what they wanted to do. Not once did I know what I wanted to do. Didn't like school but never left because my parents had high expectations. I'd get bored easily. Making model planes and cars, riding my bike and drawing cars were my favourite thing. I was told to get a part time job but my self confidence was just not there. I was frightened of being rejected. I hid it all through bravado. My relationship with my parents was very strained. Hated school. Just didn't fit in. As I finished school I still had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do. I failed yr 12 and felt useless. I wanted to do architecture but didn't have the grades. I could just draw. I always felt like the inferior one with friends.

Move on into college and only because my mum got me into a course. Love it but not because of the course but that sense of freedom that I felt. I had a car and I was studying. Yet still I had better things to do than go to school. Cars friends and fun. Then girls came a long and I discovered I was good looking. Met new friends and neglected my old ones. I don't know why. Didn't think they were cool.

My parents had a business and I just assumed that they were eventually going to pass it on to me but it all fell apart after they sold their half to my uncle and his family. I became even more lost I didn't know what to do. I lived Day by day.
I was worried. I have always been a worrier. Everything was internalised. My then girlfriend told me that if I didnt get a job she'd leave. So I went to work for another uncle. Had a steady stream of income but still had low self esteem. I was worried they catch me out as a fraud. Total lack of confidence. Come 1995 96 and 97 I get myself become more anxious. Panic attacks were coming. At first I just walk up and down and waited till it subsided and then didn't think much of it. Then came 97 and I was seeing two girls. My ex and a new girl. The panic attacks became worse, to the point I went to hospital. Suffice to say the last one blew me away and I felt my mood slowly disappear. My mind started to race at 100miles an hour and my head felt like it was hurting. My anxiety levels went through the roof. I was crying because I had no idea what was going on. The nervousness was at 11. I was later diagnosed with major depression with anxiety. Started on medication and got better but never was I the same again. I became lethargic, very disconnected from my long term girlfriend and put on weight. Two years later she left me because I just couldn't see a future with her.

I was devastated. Went into a depression and grief. My moods were all I've the shop that would last for a week then I would feel better for weeks and then bang! I'd feel crap for another week. This yo yo moods went for 8 months till it stopped and I felt light again. I working in a hospitality with my family as we bought a business the year before. I embraced my new found freedom and enjoyed my own time. I met my future wife in 2002 and we didn't get together till the end of 2004. I was in a better place and generally happy. We lived together and then we got married in 2009. I didn't want to lose her and I was always worried she'd leave. 2010 saw the birth of my son and I felt weird after that. I felt different. There was structure. I didnt like structure. I felt a little trapped. But our marriage was still good. Then our daughter was born the following year. I felt a change again and I felt different. Like the closeness of the relationship had gone away. Then in 2012 I had a routine surgery to get rid of my gallbladder and my surgeon told be there was an abnormality in my liver which he diagnosed as bilary duct cancer. My reaction was the interesting part. This anxiety just blew me away!! I couldn't control it. I couldn't control my emotions. I became diasbled by it and utterly sad and frighten about dying. Second opion later and it was nothing. I felt better. 2014 rolled around and I had a prostate check and still having my cancer misdiagnosis firmly in my mind yet again the anxiety and sadness came again at full force. My psychiatrist said it would eventually pass and he said my antidepressants wouldn't help. He gave me some anti anxiety . I couldn't control it. Nothing I did helped. I was constantly seeking assurance from doctors, people and friends. I was utterly frightened. My whole year was a wipe off. 2015 rolled around my wife decided to separate. I was worried that this would tip me over The edge. But instead, it made me forget about 2014 and worry about getting her back. I was consumed by it. I was sad. I was broken hearted. I was devastated. My life revolved around getting her back. Yet again my emotions went like a yo yo. I couldn't get a hold of them. Nothing I learnt stuck. Only meditation.

The last six months for me have been a better place and the yo yo weeks had stopped. I'm very sensitive and can live in my own little world. Then a month ago, I decided to leave the business and try something new. I finished on a Sunday and I felt a little sad over the weekend. Come Monday I fell to pieces again. I couldn't control my sadness. I felt lost and sad. Sad for what I was leaving behind and all that happened over the last 17 years.

That first week I decided to go and see my psychiatrist who I had not seen for a year and a half. I asked him about possibly having ADHD and he said he had an inkling.

So I started on my low dose of dexamphetamine and it got better slowly. Gradually built it up to 10mg first thing in the morning 10mg at lunch and 5mg in the afternoon. Then Monday I did the yo yo thing again. This time there is more nervousness/anxiety and sadness.

I'm tired. This is not fair on my children. I don't like taking medication and I've been taking an antidepressant for 20 years now. I'm so sensitive to big events and my mind doesn't have the capacity to regulate it. None whatsoever.

Please help. I'd appreciate your feedback please 🙏

Dying over here. I want some normality.
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Old 08-10-17, 10:22 PM
Lostandconfused Lostandconfused is online now
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Re: Please I need some clarity

Does it resontate with anyone?
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Old 08-11-17, 05:24 AM
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Re: Please I need some clarity

Are you sure its just adhd? Do you have an official anxiety disorder diagnosis? Alot of what you shared reminds me of bipolar and also OCD tendancies. I am not a doctor and not trying to diagnose you but I do identify with those out of control thoughts that seem to take over. For me, its Bipolar II, GAD, PTSD and ADHD. I know that medication for all those things saved my life. My bipolar has been relatively controlled for 15 years now and the adhd about 13 years. It helps to have those diagnosis's because you feel less like a defect and more like someone suffering from something through no fault of their own. I urge you to go back to your doctor and thoroughly invesitigate this situation. I dont believe the explainations you have been given are good enough thus far. As far as taking medication and not liking it, try to get over that. There is no difference taking medication for blood pressure or heartburn and psychiatric medications- there is only stigma.
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Old 08-11-17, 05:50 AM
Lostandconfused Lostandconfused is online now
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Re: Please I need some clarity

Thanks for getting back to me. I'm not too sure about OCD but definitely have anxiety. That's a given. The bipolar part. Mmmm? I've asked but he said no. I've never had a manic high or even a mild one. It's more going back to baseline and feeling more relaxed and sleeping better to only go back down again and finding everything overwhelming and anxious to a degree. But I've asked and he has always told me no. I have used the term bipolar because it was the only description that comes close to it. No it's mainly anxiety. Maybe OCD. I did think that. I thinks it's always grief. The roller coaster of days then great for weeks. I think the ADHD is what makes me focus so much on the fluctuations. But you are right in saying that I deserve a better explanation. I don't like "I think". I prefer surety and knowing than guessing. Can I ask why you think OCD? Which part do you think that it may be OCD?
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Old 08-13-17, 04:32 AM
ian_ice ian_ice is offline
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Re: Please I need some clarity

Hi, I was just googling for forums on ADHD and I came across this forum and found your post. I am sorry that you are facing this challenges with regards to ADHD. From what you wrote above, it sounded like you are having ADHD and kinda demoralize about it.

I have ADHD. I found out only recently. May I tell you my honest opinion regarding ADHD. I feel I need to share this to fellow people who have ADHD. ADHD is not a disability. People with ADHD are most times, smart, capable, full of energy and always holistic in their approach when they encounter with challenges. People with ADHD must stop telling themselves it is a condition that we need to treat. People like us think differently, we may sometimes act differently and we are full of energy. The way we think are just different from the majority. That's why we struggle to 'fit' in.... IF we try to think and do things like the rest. We are different. Once we understand ourselves, understand how we think, understand our strengths and capability, we will know how to address, approach things the way we are built. We will soar to new heights. I struggled in school myself. It is not that I am less capable from my peers, it is just that the way my mind works is a little different. I have to be thought or study my own way. I passed my exams because I study myself or being taught at home by my elder siblings. By the time the teacher thought that particular subject, I have already know it and I participate in class actively. When I go to college and varsity, I skipped lectures but I study on my own. I go through the lecture notes again with an aid of a recorded video. For group study, mine normally very objective. I asked and queried a particular questions that I have then the rest I will study myself and I meet the lecturers after school, etc.

Memorising, understanding certain concepts, I would walk around the house with books in my hands... I can sit on table and chairs, provided it is not facing a wall. It has to face the whole room or in a big study. No wall in front. I will get restless. just some examples to share...

At work, I am more capable than most of my peers. I have never thought that I have ADHD, I just felt that I am different in my approach, thus I analyse it myself and handle it the way I need to.

(I am not saying students with ADHD should skip lectures, just that maybe they need to fidget a little in class or move their legs or move a pen or something or what works for them.)

So, why I went to check if I have ADHD? My nephew reminded me of myself and he is struggling in school. His mother, who is my sister told me that her son reminded her of me when she was teaching me at home.

He performed average in school but I know he can do much better. He was sent for a check up and the doctor told his parents that he has mild ADHD. Both his parents are graduates. They expect him to study as they have studied. I have advised his parents on how he should be studying at home. fyi, I was told that I have severe ADHD. I am a graduate myself and I perform very well at work. I know of several friends who have ADHD as well who graduated, some did not but they are doing better than their peers in any area that they are working in.

ADHD is just a name coined to identify. Do not tell yourself you are less capable. You are as capable or more capable than the normal people. It is all in the mind. You got to tell yourself first you are good.

About nervous breakdown, it may happen sometimes when you think too much and you don't know how to address it. Remember, approach each challenges as how you are built. Noone will know you have ADHD. ADHD people when they start doing things they love, they give 150%. Noone can top that.

Oh btw, I am doing much better than my peers and most people who used to call me lazy, etc. Who thinks they have got it all for success and all. When we meet old friends now, they say things like, oh as you grow older, you changed, you become more responsible, etc. I laughed. I have never changed. I am still me. Just that I know my strength, I know how I think and I know I am smart.

Remember: key things is spend more time at the solution. don't dwell on the problems. In this case, the problem is not even there in the first place. Our challenge is, we need to be original. What I meant is, we cannot copy others on how they do things and think that it will work out the same for us. We are a gifted small percentage. We got to be original.

I really hope you are able to pick yourself up and I am confident you can. Remember, you have a gift. You have a strength. Capitalize on your strength. God willing, you will fly my friend.

Have a big goal and break it down into smaller pieces. Achieve one small goal at a time until eventually you achieve your bigger goal. You will see gradually, you will pick up your confidence and motivation.

Those words that demoralize or criticize you are just noise. People with ADHD has strong capability of 'cancelling' noise(s).

Read up on famous people with ADHD.

I found 2 good TED Talks on ADHD by people with ADHD.

1.
2.

You can do it my friend.

Last edited by namazu; 08-13-17 at 02:00 PM.. Reason: fixed YouTube links: make sure link starts with http, not https, so that page displays correctly
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Old 08-13-17, 04:48 AM
ian_ice ian_ice is offline
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Re: Please I need some clarity

with regards to relationship: well as you know we are different, so your spouse may find you a little different, thus misunderstanding occurs.
Just to relate one example in my past relationship.
My gf may ask or suggest certain things. We discussed and agreed to embark on it. Some information, research, or study will then be required. Since it is for my love one, I will put in a lot of effort in it and I will get the information required fast. So fast that many a time, she felt I have planned it all along and that I swayed her into wanting that trip or holiday or purchase. misunderstanding than occurred. hahaha...

(ps: as you know, our mind work fast and we have a lot of information since we are always thinking.)
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Old 08-14-17, 05:58 AM
Lostandconfused Lostandconfused is online now
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Re: Please I need some clarity

Thank you for those kind words. Yes it can be a very positive to have ADHD. Thank you so much again.
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Old 08-15-17, 02:51 AM
ian_ice ian_ice is offline
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Re: Please I need some clarity

I hope what I posted above helps one way or another.

ps: People who leave you, does not deserve your time. Take care of yourself, have early night/enough rest. spend time with your children and pick up some sports, like cycling, going to the gym, learn new skills, etc. Build up or just enjoy your current career/business. Along the way, you may meet new people/friends...
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Old 08-15-17, 03:49 AM
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Re: Please I need some clarity

Quote:
Originally Posted by ian_ice View Post
I feel I need to share this to fellow people who have ADHD. ADHD is not a disability. People with ADHD are most times, smart, capable, full of energy and always holistic in their approach when they encounter with challenges. People with ADHD must stop telling themselves it is a condition that we need to treat. People like us think differently, we may sometimes act differently and we are full of energy. The way we think are just different from the majority. That's why we struggle to 'fit' in.... IF we try to think and do things like the rest. We are different. Once we understand ourselves, understand how we think, understand our strengths and capability, we will know how to address, approach things the way we are built. We will soar to new heights.
Adhd is a disability. It doesnt mean you cant do well but telling someone its not a disability isnt fair. There are those of us who truly suffer and those of us who cant work.

Quote:
At work, I am more capable than most of my peers. I have never thought that I have ADHD, I just felt that I am different in my approach, thus I analyse it myself and handle it the way I need to.
Its good that you have such a good foundation. But many people with adhd are not capable or struggle with school or working.

Quote:
So, why I went to check if I have ADHD?
I am surprised by this. You say that you did ok with school and fine with work so what are your impairments? Why did you need to be diagnosed with adhd if these things are not issues for you?

Quote:
ADHD is just a name coined to identify. Do not tell yourself you are less capable. You are as capable or more capable than the normal people. It is all in the mind. You got to tell yourself first you are good.
Yes it has a name and I am not saying that someone with adhd should walk around thinking that life is over but being told you are capable can be negative because it makes the person feel like they should be doing better than they are, or that they just arent applying themselves.
Quote:
Remember: key things is spend more time at the solution. don't dwell on the problems. In this case, the problem is not even there in the first place. Our challenge is, we need to be original. What I meant is, we cannot copy others on how they do things and think that it will work out the same for us. We are a gifted small percentage. We got to be original.
I dont understand why you keep saying adhd isnt a problem. Of course it is. And the problem is there and no, most people with adhd are not gifted. Saying that we are gifted might work for you, but thats not how it is for most of us.

Quote:
I really hope you are able to pick yourself up and I am confident you can. Remember, you have a gift. You have a strength. Capitalize on your strength. God willing, you will fly my friend.
Again, adhd is NOT a gift. It is a very real disorder with impairments and consequences. Telling someone that they have a gift is insulting.

Have a big goal and break it down into smaller pieces. Achieve o
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Old 08-15-17, 09:44 PM
joebagofdonuts joebagofdonuts is offline
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Re: Please I need some clarity

Hey bud, I can relate.

I struggled all my life with what I know now. I knew there was something not right but took me along time to figure out. I recently was diagnosed ADHD. I am close to 50. Once I find out about ADHD everything from my past made sense. I was so bored in school. Marks were barely above a passing grade. After high school, I worked in construction for 5 years and realized I hated it and went back to school. Funny thing is that I passed with honors, why? I was interested and I hated construction.

Fast forward to present day... I have been on zoloft for a few years. I have been on biphetin for 2 months now. I don't think I have noticed anything yet regarding the biphentin. HOWEVER, very important in my opinion... EXCERCISE!!! Walking, stair climbing, bike riding has really helped me. I used to scoff that exercise would make such a difference. Now I do stretches every evening, climb stairs, bike ride.

Secondly, I was diagnosed with sleep apnea 2 years ago. You should get tested if you say you are tired all the time. This is the first thing that change my life. Now I could drive without getting sleepy, mornings i could get out of bed. Now that i have more energy, the EXERCISE had made a dramatic improvement. I have lost about 30 pounds since Jan 2017.

I am currently seeing a physcologist to work through my self doubt and confidence. Its helping as well.

My worst enemy is me and time alone with myself as I overthink everything. When I get really down in the dumps i have to force myself to get out of the house and I either go for a bike ride, walk, or just be around people. Different perspective and different surroundings does make a difference.

Cheers,
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Old 09-19-17, 01:53 PM
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Re: Please I need some clarity

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostandconfused View Post
I've never had a manic high or even a mild one. It's more going back to baseline and feeling more relaxed and sleeping better to only go back down again and finding everything overwhelming and anxious to a degree.
this really resonates with me. I got diagnosed with depression freshman year of high school and have been struggling with it since then (in my early twenties now). obviously this doesn't hold a candle to the years you've had to get through, but I would honestly describe my experience a similar way. a few weeks of really extreme lethargy, misery, anxiety, then a few weeks of feeling okay.

but then, just as I'd start to feel okay enough to get my life on track, the depression would hit again. it was like getting kicked in the gut, lying in the mud for a minute, then trying to get up and getting kicked again. and it /never/ relented. I dropped out of school several times, got fired from almost every job I worked and was hospitalized twice. people kept saying "it'll get better!" but it just /didn't/

getting diagnosed with adhd was one of the best things to ever happen to me. understanding that the reason I could never /quite/ overcome my depression was because i had no way of managing my adhd.... it was so good to just finally
understand what was wrong.

stuff slowly started getting better after that. not like, amazing. but I started being able to regulate my behavior better. started having better relationships, making more informed decisions about my welfare, being more productive

it's been nearly two years since I got diagnosed, and about 3 months since I started taking meds. my life right now isn't like, perfect? but it's still really really good. just. so much better than it was. I don't know how long it'll stay this way, but just knowing what's wrong and knowing I have the ability to get out of a 6+ year depressive hell is reassuring as ****.

sorry that was all very self involved, but the way you described your situation really resonated with me. maybe if I can finally get a ******* grip on my life, you can too? anyway I really hope so. try the meds for a while. keep seeing your psychiatrist. ask people for help, if you can. don't get angry with yourself for getting better slowly, what you're doing is difficult as hell
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Old 09-20-17, 01:44 AM
DeannaDuarte DeannaDuarte is offline
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Re: Please I need some clarity

Yes, I can understand your problem, I can relate it, because my close uncle also struggled with the same issue. He used to share their problems with me.
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