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General Parenting Issues The purpose of this forum is to discuss general parenting issues related to children with AD/HD(ADD & ADHD)

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  #1  
Old 12-15-17, 05:30 PM
DaisyDot DaisyDot is offline
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Parenting a Floudering ADD College Student

I can't find a better thread for this, but I'd love to hear stories of what parents have tried for their young adults with ADD. Ours thinks he's too old to be micromanaged, but he is consistently flunking. Had a scholarship to a university, but flunked in first year. Moved home to attend community college . . . and is succeeding in some classes and flunking others (the ones that let him turn in work late). He can get accommodations but won't. Won't read books on ADHD. Won't see a counselor. Thinks he knows best. I need PARENTING advice. What do we do now? (I agree with whatever book I read that said that ADD kids have the maturity level of someone 1/3 younger. But he's 21 and resists being treated like a 15-year-old, despite acting like one.) HELP!
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Old 12-18-17, 09:52 AM
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Re: Parenting a Floudering ADD College Student

My advice would be to fight the fights you can.

1. Reading books, HA, not likely. If you would like to read them more power to you but asking a kid who doesn't like reading to read a boring technical manual will not endear him to your cause. Nor will "wasting" time talking about it. HE KNOWS what he needs to do, a counselor won't help with that, he is choosing not to. Can't fix that.

2. Accommodations, they are easy to get, so why won't he? I would ask him point blank "Why won't you get them?", he will say he doesn't need them, you will say "So what's the harm in getting them?"

3. Tough love may be needed. He's living at home. Make it clear that he can continue as he is, or he can ask for help. If he chooses to keep on this path you don't see it going any differently than it has been. So WHEN you flunk out of college I will be charging you $400 per month for rent. Hopefully this will get him so ticked off he does better just to prove you wrong.

No one wants to be parented after the age of about 10. While they sometimes act like teenagers they are over 18 and do need to fail or succeed on their own. All you can do is be there for him, but NOT make it easy on him.

I have a wonderful relationship with my mother but she was a hard parent while growing up. I turned 17 and was gone faster than you can blink! I wanted out from under her control and micromanaging. I lived apart from her for 4 years and then needed a place to stay. I had rules, I made my own food, did my own laundry, washed my own dishes, paid rent, and I got out of there within 4 months. I always knew she was there for me but I also knew the price was more than I was willing to pay.
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Old 12-20-17, 04:47 PM
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Re: Parenting a Floudering ADD College Student

Thank you. That's the trick, isn't it? Preserving the relationship while not being an enabler.
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Old 12-21-17, 03:04 AM
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Re: Parenting a Floudering ADD College Student

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Originally Posted by DaisyDot View Post
Thank you. That's the trick, isn't it? Preserving the relationship while not being an enabler.
Yes.

Keeping attachment/attunement relationship first and foremost is the trick.

I am a parent who has ADHD, and I am very emotionally sensitive.

Example.

It would be emotionally hurtful to hear my parent refer to me as “floundering”, no matter my parent’s best intentions.







M
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Old 12-21-17, 03:24 AM
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Re: Parenting a Floudering ADD College Student

I have three kids, 21,17 and 14. The 21 year old has it together finally. He was depressed after he graduated from high school and got dumped and finally we pulled up the curtains and told him he needed a job. He was making peanuts and we charged him 40$ a week in rent.He enrolled in community college and blossomed. He went full time and is transfering to a 4 year school in the fall. He just landed a paid internship that could end up being a career for 20$ and hour! The 17 year old is almost 18 and is my Achilles heel.I know she wants to live on her own. She wants everything all at once. She wants the boyfriend, the job, the car, school etc. She is so immature an makes such impulsive choices that she scares us. So far the 14 year old is like April Ludgate from Parks and Rec. Cynical and too smart for those her age.
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Old 12-21-17, 09:25 AM
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Re: Parenting a Floudering ADD College Student

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Originally Posted by DaisyDot View Post
Thank you. That's the trick, isn't it? Preserving the relationship while not being an enabler.
Yes, they have to know you love them and you will ALWAYS be there for them....while not making life so simple for them that there is no incentive to even try to make a better life for themselves.

I was behind a couple at Walmart last month in the checkout. The father was grumbling about having to buy all this extra food for his son who still lives in the basement. The mom chimed in and said something like "yeah and it's gotten worse since his fiance moved in, she eats a lot too!"

And I'm thinking....Lord, you people have lost your ever loving minds.
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Old 12-21-17, 09:36 AM
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Re: Parenting a Floudering ADD College Student

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Originally Posted by mildadhd View Post
Yes.

Keeping attachment/attunement relationship first and foremost is the trick.

I am a parent who has ADHD, and I am very emotionally sensitive.

Example.

It would be emotionally hurtful to hear my parent refer to me as “floundering”, no matter my parent’s best intentions.


M
I truly believe it is our jobs as parents to prepare them for the world. I'm raising my kids on truth, because that is what the world will be throwing at them. The world will not be sensitive to their feelings, their boss will not always be kind, their significant others will not always be gentle. Life is unfair in many many ways. Are my kids feelings hurt sometimes, yes, absolutely, do they need that to grow up, I believe they do.

Last night my 15 year old was yelling at my 8 year old to get off her phone. She wouldn't. He said "Mom, I think you got her a phone too early, even I don't have my nose in it this much!", then he took her phone. I said "Dude, we have had this talk! How is what she is doing affecting you? It's not, and you don't PAY for the phone so you have no right to TAKE the phone!"....and he huffed and puffed and went for a walk, came back in 15 minutes after he had calmed down.

Were feelings hurt, yup! Was it necessary to explain to him WHY it was not his business and show him guidelines on when it WOULD have been his business, yes because I'm trying to teach them both what is appropriate behavior and what isn't! I'm trying to raise productive adults, and adults need boundaries too. Sometimes those boundaries are hard to learn, but they must be taught in order to be a good adult who can face the world. Yes, sometimes feelings will be hurt, but that is life.
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Old 12-21-17, 03:36 PM
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Re: Parenting a Floudering ADD College Student

Quote:
Originally Posted by DaisyDot View Post
I can't find a better thread for this, but I'd love to hear stories of what parents have tried for their young adults with ADD. Ours thinks he's too old to be micromanaged, but he is consistently flunking. Had a scholarship to a university, but flunked in first year. Moved home to attend community college . . . and is succeeding in some classes and flunking others (the ones that let him turn in work late). He can get accommodations but won't. Won't read books on ADHD. Won't see a counselor. Thinks he knows best. I need PARENTING advice. What do we do now? (I agree with whatever book I read that said that ADD kids have the maturity level of someone 1/3 younger. But he's 21 and resists being treated like a 15-year-old, despite acting like one.) HELP!
If he is 33.3 %* less mature.

He might need until about the age 24*, before he reaches the developmental milestones you are focusing on.



In my home everyone must do something.

What ever that something is, is up to the individual.

I am focusing on promoting self esteem, and demoting counter will.




M
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Old 12-22-17, 03:37 AM
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Re: Parenting a Floudering ADD College Student

Its interesting. Farmers will spend 12+ hours a day caring for their livestock. Bear cubs stay with their Mama's while they learn to hunt until they are like a year old. Well, I am raising humans and I think taking the same amount of time + more is whats important.
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Old 12-22-17, 11:10 AM
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Re: Parenting a Floudering ADD College Student

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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Its interesting. Farmers will spend 12+ hours a day caring for their livestock. Bear cubs stay with their Mama's while they learn to hunt until they are like a year old. Well, I am raising humans and I think taking the same amount of time + more is whats important.
If we are going with nature metaphors I'm more like the bird who pushes her young'ins out of the nest so they can fly on their own.

Just kidding....sort of....Merry Christmas everyone from my family to yours!
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