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Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

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  #1  
Old 05-22-13, 10:23 AM
80dMayne 80dMayne is offline
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Life turned upside down

A little background.. I met a girl, only 18 at the time online about 3 years ago and our personalities instantly clicked. It was a confusing time in my life and I was very secluded from society. Within the next month we became relationship close and I soon ventured to travel the 2+ hours to visit her in person. We remained together for the next 1 1/2 years with some minor setbacks that involved her getting close to other guys. She never got sexually close though and so I didn't treat it as the end of the world. I made it a point to visit every 1-3 months and these trips were often filled with terrible depression and anxiety having to return home and feeling separated and hopeless. I don't think I knew it at the time but my relationship with her was an extreme obsession, maybe because I had no other social life and felt like this was my only option. She struggled herself with depression and often would talk suicidal and leave me pinned in tight situation. Her anxiety was a constant setback to me but I treated her as a necessity and therefore was scared to breakup.

A year or so ago I got a new job and met new people which really changed my life and allowed me to feel a part of society. I felt more confident but still was unknowingly avoidant of women. As this went on her anxiety and attempts to control my life and actions caused me to start talking to her less and less. Whereas before I would end up spending time talking to her no matter what just because I had no one else to talk to, I now had some friends and my relationship with them was like a new page in my life. I became interested in what I didn't have, I always wanted to experience the night life going to parties and clubs because I always felt I missed out on these things earlier in life. I also began feeling helpless in ever living together after a failed attempt at moving her closer to me.

Eventually I stopped talking to her and after a month or so of no contact she was with another guy. I literally was ecstatic, it was like a weight off my shoulders, we cut off all contact and over the next 4-5 months I made a couple more friends and began going out and exploring the life I always felt secluded from. I was content in life, and despite being terribly avoidant of women I for some reason didn't care, maybe because I felt a hope that if I wanted someone I could have them and also maybe because I had cut off contact with her before ever knowing she had got with another guy so In my head she wasn't really gone.. Well I felt ontop of the world and in control and decided one night while I was out to dig up her number and text her. I felt kind of bad the way I left her and offered my apologies and compliments on her as a human being. At this point I knew that she had been with another guy but for whatever reason I was ok with this and texted her occasionally with no hard feelings.

A couple months later we are talking more frequently and she sends me pictures of herself to show me her new hairstyle and so on and I start thinking she must be into me again, so I talk to her more and reunite with some of her family which I had also cut off contact with previously. Then the worst choice I could make.. I decide to go visit some of her family for a few days, knowing she would be around but also thinking maybe we would hook up temporarily. At this time I was attracted to her but still not feeling the desire for a relationship.

So I set out on my journey, confident with little nervousness. I visit and immediately spark up conversation with her and her bf, she begins connecting with me and we begin getting lost in conversation to the point where the bf seemed to become angry so they went about their day. From then on I had this urge to be around her, and finally ended up spending a long day with her and some of her friends. I really felt like she was interested and subconsciously felt we would get together despite how unrealistic it really was. My last night there I guess I came to that realization that nothing happened and I woke up to her and her bf talking in bed together.. An unbelievable feeling of pain and weight just fell on me at that moment and knowing I couldn't handle any more I packed my bags and left in the middle of the night. I couldn't sleep and kept thinking of suicide although it wasn't realistically something I would do I saw it as the only cure for the pain I felt. This is one of the only times I ever saw suicide in a justified manner but knew in the back of my head that this pain was all in the head and that I would get over it.

I'm now trying to return to my normal life but I am no longer interested in anything that I loved before. Suddenly the nightlife is no longer interesting because I just see a bunch of women that I cant get and have to realize the only girl who actually understood me is having fun with another guy. I wake up to the thought of them hugging each other and holding hands and feel what seems to be a nearly unbearable pain cover me again. I do still talk to some friends but I'm less outgoing because my head is spinning with thoughts of her with another guy when I would normally be sparking up conversation with someone.

I almost contemplated going to the hospital a couple times when I felt the pain at its worst and feel my body start to go limp but keep hanging in there only by the help and temporary distraction of a friend from time to time. I don't know where to go from here, I know I should probably cut off communications but I felt there was something there and that maybe I have a chance. I also feel like without her I have next to no chance in finding a girlfriend. I realized this was the first time seeing her that we didn't get together. I had made a visit once when she was single but that resulted in us repairing things and so I have never had to experience this.

I want to get over her if there is no chance but I am worried there is.. I am disgusted in knowing I caused myself to lose all interest in my life. I was so content and now I live miserably. My only explanation for this pain is that before I think I always had hope to fall back on, and after this I was forced to realize no matter how bad I want her she is not available.

I have never experienced a depression like this, everything is literally dull looking now, I don't know where to go in life.

Could anyone offer some words of advice? I have made the choice to ask her strait forward if she thinks we will ever get back together and told her that if not I will be content with cutting off communications again.
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Old 05-22-13, 11:13 AM
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Re: Life turned upside down

You're not alone, I'm currently not with my girlfriend anymore. I still get really upset with everything. She's not seeing anyone, and I don't think she will for a little while. It still makes me think about other guys being with her, it makes me angry and upset. Our relationship was complicated and I wasn't very well. Understand this, lots of others in your shoes. Stay strong, focus your mind on other things.
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Old 05-22-13, 11:40 AM
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Re: Life turned upside down

Appreciate it, and I know others who are in my shoes as well. Sometimes it helps to remember that but other times I feel a bit helpless knowing this kind of thing is normal. Interestingly I not long ago preached on how much better my life was being single and how content I was without the drama.. And then one day and my perception of everything flips.. Amazing how powerful the mind is.
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Old 05-22-13, 12:29 PM
Spartan_Worrier Spartan_Worrier is offline
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Re: Life turned upside down

The only person who can make you happy is you mate. You need to focus on what you have as opposed to what you don't have. At 21 you're very young still. Way too young to worry about losing your "one true love". Don't waste another second wallowing on what could have been. Who knows what could have been, but do you really think if you were together now you'd just fall into a life of bliss and content? You'd just have different problems. You can "pull women, you're eloquent and can express yourself well, you're obvioysly inteligent and caring. You have so much to offer in a relationship. All you need to do now is go out and have fun.
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Old 05-22-13, 12:37 PM
navyjake9019 navyjake9019 is offline
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Re: Life turned upside down

I've been heartbroken before as well, and it's never easy to take that first step away from the situation.

In the "stickies" of this part of the forums, is a discussion about "Detaching with Love". I think if you give it a good thorough read, it may benefit you quite a bit with your current situation. To summarize it as best as I understand it: you ultimately only have the power to change you (your thoughts/ideas/feelings/habits/etc.). By learning to recognize what you can and cannot change, you can better focus your energy on making your life (and in turn the lives of those around) you better.

As far as advice goes, I would suggest refraining from contacting her any further until you can honestly say you're absolutely fine with only being her friend. If that's not an option, then there's no need to antagonize yourself with the hope/prospect that you two will get back together and live happily ever after.

At this point, take you life one moment to the next. Try to find happiness in the littlest things around you: the weather, the smile a passerby gave you for no reason, a good book, a nice long walk. I've always found that when I'm in a "funk", getting back to the basics helps me regain my life's balance and begin moving forward again.

The fact that you were able to put your feeling out here shows you've recognized there's room for improvements to be made, and that's a big first step in healing. Congrats.

Good luck, and keep your head up.
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Old 05-23-13, 01:40 PM
80dMayne 80dMayne is offline
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Re: Life turned upside down

Appreciate all the insight and encouragement it helps. I will definitely check out that discussion and see what I can learn. I had a short time to talk to her yesterday and clear things up saying I would like to be friends but if that is not possible I am willing to cut off communications. She didn't say anything about no longer talking but seemed positive with small talk so my mood was lifted for the night. And then this morning I asked again and she seemingly blocked me on everything. This time I realize there is no good in prolonging the inevitable so I will be moving forward now. A shame because I have a lot of summer plans but they all seem so dull without her in the picture. Hope that part of the breakup goes away asap I would hate to ruin my plans over something so ridiculous.
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Old 05-23-13, 04:32 PM
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Re: Life turned upside down

Let her make the next move if she wants to be friends, let her decide what she wants
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Old 05-24-13, 04:28 AM
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Re: Life turned upside down

Dont wait around for anyone. You are much to valuable for that. You are not a fleeting thought or unworthy of love and respect.
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