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Old 03-15-19, 12:19 PM
BoatHatS BoatHatS is offline
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I donít recognize my son anymore

My son has been diagnosed with ADHD and I donít recognize him anymore. I find myself hating to be around him... heís very aggressive, laughs maniacally, screams for fun, throws toys at the wall, and finally today he side-kicked his brother.

I try calmly talking to him, but that fuels him even more. For example: He went to go run out into the middle of the parking lot, and his therapist was calmly saying ďno (name), you have to stay here to keep your body safe ok?Ē And he laughed harder and ran FASTER away from us.


Heís been evaluated by a number of professional ADHD/ASD child psychiatrists and psychologists. They all say he has ADHD and movement sensory seeking.


He sees a therapist for play therapy once a week. She never gives me updates, or ďhomework,Ē so I have no idea whatís going on. I feel like we should all be on the same page and using the same phrases and techniques with him, right?

I donít even recognize him anymore. My heart hurts. I never have fun with him anymore because itís just constant stress. Going to the playground is stressful because I never know if heís gonna hurt a kid, or scream swear words, or run away from me into the parking lot or into the woods... same with going to the grocery store and library.

Please advise. I feel helpless
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Old 03-15-19, 01:14 PM
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Re: I donít recognize my son anymore

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Originally Posted by BoatHatS View Post
My son has been diagnosed with ADHD and I don’t recognize him anymore. I find myself hating to be around him... he’s very aggressive, laughs maniacally, screams for fun, throws toys at the wall, and finally today he side-kicked his brother.

I try calmly talking to him, but that fuels him even more. For example: He went to go run out into the middle of the parking lot, and his therapist was calmly saying “no (name), you have to stay here to keep your body safe ok?” And he laughed harder and ran FASTER away from us.


He’s been evaluated by a number of professional ADHD/ASD child psychiatrists and psychologists. They all say he has ADHD and movement sensory seeking.


He sees a therapist for play therapy once a week. She never gives me updates, or “homework,” so I have no idea what’s going on. I feel like we should all be on the same page and using the same phrases and techniques with him, right?

I don’t even recognize him anymore. My heart hurts. I never have fun with him anymore because it’s just constant stress. Going to the playground is stressful because I never know if he’s gonna hurt a kid, or scream swear words, or run away from me into the parking lot or into the woods... same with going to the grocery store and library.

Please advise. I feel helpless
I've had some experience with this at a smaller scale. Definitely get that professional help; in the meantime, make sure you praise him when he does act they way you want him to act. "I'm so proud of you for acting like Mommy's big boy today", etc. And definitely, no matter how mad he makes you, don't ever say anything hurtful to him personally, although I'm sure you don't do that. I know from personal experience that it's tempting. Some of his behavior may be seeking attention. If he doesn't get positive, at least he can get negative.

There should be consequences for his behavior, but not punishment. Punishment is arbitrary and puts the focus on the punishment, not the behavior. But there should be reasonable, gentle negative consequences for unwanted behavior. And if there is a tantrum, don't try to reason with him or give in, wait it out.

So in general, look for he positive moments and praise them. Maybe that will insert a small wedge that you can slowly expand to break up the negative behavior. Beyond that, talk to the experts. I've had success with my 9-year-old daughter with medication, although it took a while to find the right one.

Regards,
Daniel
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Last edited by Daniel1970; 03-15-19 at 01:18 PM.. Reason: grammar and additional ideas
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Old 03-15-19, 09:16 PM
Drogheda98 Drogheda98 is offline
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Re: I donít recognize my son anymore

you wanted to know a term from therapy, linear phase induction memory, thing is, I don't know if thats a term specifically for people with adhd or not, thus why you don't get homework, cause therapy work is specific to the individual by a professional therapist and anyone's bias can alter the course, even with the best intentions. with adhd and therapy you are looking at brain orginization, pshyche stuff, stuff that non professionals shouldn't take a go at.

your son has adhd, he has always had adhd. something to think about is, when did he start acting up? (err, hate that phrase) was it before the diagnosis or after. if it was after, was it his response or your own? in otherwords, with the diagnosis, did you think lesser of him? the reason I ask is because of the first sentence. "My son has been diagnosed with ADHD and I donít recognize him anymore. I find myself hating to be around him..."

first, that's a lie, you might not understand some of his behaviors but you recognize your son. words have power, that is a really negative belief to have about your son and the funny thing about beliefs are even if the belief is a lie the false beleife will grow in your mind EVERY time you look at your son if you don't challenge the belief, like, now. to challenge the beleife, every-time you see your son say to yourself "I know he is my son and it will get easier"

did you just all of a sudden hate being around your son when you found out his diagnosis? tough questions for sure but YOU are a GIANT part of his life and what YOU believe OF HIM will resonate WITH him for a very long time.

what the mother believes about her child is the foundation of what the child believes in himself. parents and children have a bond, especially mothers and sons/daughters. do you think he is there for you or you for him? what you instill in him is how he will first know himself. if you want him to love himself, love him unconditionally, adhd and all, no strings attached, if you don't want him to blind himself, see him for who he is so he can see himself for who he is. if you want him to know himself, push him to know himself and help him make sense of the world. ask him how he is feeling, ask him, don't tell him(litterly, telling someone how to feel is the worst thing, especially with someone with adhd who has a hard time with feeling inner emotions as it is). talk with him not at him. you had him but he isn't your property, he is another human being in a unit called a family, help him to see that.

behavior 101:
" I donít recognize him anymore"
"I find myself hating to be around him"
your his mother, those thoughts should not even exist, look in the mirror and forgive yourself, we ALL make mistakes.

"his therapist was calmly saying ďno (name), you have to stay here to keep your body safe ok?Ē"

what childs mother or father think about them rub off of them at an emotional level. in other-words, those thoughts he can sense just by you having those thoughts. their is like, a psychic bond. an interplay of body-language, straight up language (I can assume, probably correctly from how you yourself phrased some things some things about you yourself) and how you mirror with your child(or the other way around)

put yourself in his shoes, if someone that hated you and hardly recognized you came up at you, how would you respond? I'd run that's his response, thats why he ran to the parking lot. remember he is a child (I'm assuming), children are very much just emotional beings and not much else, they need a parent or 2 to reasure them, to learn how to feel and to build boundaries.

"I try calmly talking to him" the therapist said "no (name), you have to stay here to keep your body safe ok?Ē

the reason I say talk with him and not to him is the formation of reason. "because my mom says so" isn't a reason, what "because my mom says so" means is " I won't do such and such because mom scares me", which I guess is reason if you want your son to know nothing but fear.

note what his therapist said, he is trying to instill reason in your son. "you don't run out in the street cause if you do you could get hurt", it makes perfect sense. I mean, humans are just wet computers, we learn, we don't just pop out of our mom knowing HOW to reason. if a mother does nothing but tell her son how to then the son will never know to without mom without others (in your sons case, the therapist). play therapy is a lot more than "play", it's litterly therapy for growing minds.

and don't think I'm being hard on you here, I'm not, people with ADHD take a lot of special attention by professionals for brain organization. the concept of therapy itself is pretty hard sometimes.
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Old 03-15-19, 11:38 PM
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Re: I donít recognize my son anymore

Drogheda, while I agree that a parent's attitude influences a child's self-esteem and behavior, it seems to me that you're projecting your experiences (and psychoanalytic framework) onto this situation in a way that may not be helpful to the OP, nor to her son. Not every parent-child relationship is best understood through an Oedipal lens!

The OP didn't say she hated her son -- just that she hated being around him when he's aggressive, screaming, throwing things, etc.

If her son's behavior has changed dramatically or gotten more out-of-control/dangerous over time, it's understandable that she doesn't recognize it and that she is struggling to deal with it.

Parenting is tremendously difficult -- even more so when a child is struggling with impulse control and possibly defiant behavior. While parents should love their children unconditionally, and let them know they're loved through their words and actions even when they're frustrated, that doesn't mean that parents have to love all of their child's behavior. They do have to figure out how to handle the behavior constructively to help their children learn and grow, and that's exactly what the OP is trying to do here.

In my opinion, it's reasonable for a therapist to give a parent updates on an 8-year-old's progress/treatment plan. The therapist doesn't necessarily have to disclose the details of what was discussed, but some idea of what they're working on, and if there are strategies that can be implemented at home would be really helpful to the parent (and in turn, helpful to the child).

BoatHatS, ADHD and sensory-seeking behavior are a really challenging combination, especially in terms of keeping a child safe and those around them safe. You mentioned the play therapy (and the not-particularly-communicative therapist). Is your son receiving any other treatment (school-based services, medication, occupational therapy, other)? And are you parenting solo, or is there a co-parent in the picture? Finally, do you have any support for yourself, like a therapist or support group?
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Old 03-16-19, 01:02 AM
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Re: I donít recognize my son anymore

ya your right. my apologies namu.

still a raw nerve, and my apologies to the lady who asked the question. heh, I think that was really a note to my own mother.

you gave me an idea though namu, and the search panned out. never thought of the lens framework before in that way,
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Old Yesterday, 03:42 AM
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Re: I donít recognize my son anymore

Quote:
first, that's a lie, you might not understand some of his behaviors but you recognize your son. words have power, that is a really negative belief to have about your son and the funny thing about beliefs are even if the belief is a lie the false beleife will grow in your mind EVERY time you look at your son if you don't challenge the belief, like, now. to challenge the beleife, every-time you see your son say to yourself "I know he is my son and it will get easier"

did you just all of a sudden hate being around your son when you found out his diagnosis? tough questions for sure but YOU are a GIANT part of his life and what YOU believe OF HIM will resonate WITH him for a very long time.

what the mother believes about her child is the foundation of what the child believes in himself. parents and children have a bond, especially mothers and sons/daughters. do you think he is there for you or you for him? what you instill in him is how he will first know himself. if you want him to love himself, love him unconditionally, adhd and all, no strings attached, if you don't want him to blind himself, see him for who he is so he can see himself for who he is. if you want him to know himself, push him to know himself and help him make sense of the world. ask him how he is feeling, ask him, don't tell him(litterly, telling someone how to feel is the worst thing, especially with someone with adhd who has a hard time with feeling inner emotions as it is). talk with him not at him. you had him but he isn't your property, he is another human being in a unit called a family, help him to see that.
I'm pretty sure the OP didn't come here to be judged or have her parenting criticize. I see her as reaching out and wanting suggestions and wanting answers about her son. Do you have children? Do you understand what it's like to have a child with severe ADHD? To the OP has he ever been diagnosed with ODD ?

Quote:
behavior 101:
" I donít recognize him anymore"
"I find myself hating to be around him"
your his mother, those thoughts should not even exist, look in the mirror and forgive yourself, we ALL make mistakes.

"his therapist was calmly saying ďno (name), you have to stay here to keep your body safe ok?Ē"

what childs mother or father think about them rub off of them at an emotional level. in other-words, those thoughts he can sense just by you having those thoughts. their is like, a psychic bond. an interplay of body-language, straight up language (I can assume, probably correctly from how you yourself phrased some things some things about you yourself) and how you mirror with your child(or the other way around)

put yourself in his shoes, if someone that hated you and hardly recognized you came up at you, how would you respond? I'd run that's his response, thats why he ran to the parking lot. remember he is a child (I'm assuming), children are very much just emotional beings and not much else, they need a parent or 2 to reasure them, to learn how to feel and to build boundaries.
Where did she say she had her son? I don't think she hates her son I think she's exasperated and came here for help.


Quote:
"I try calmly talking to him" the therapist said "no (name), you have to stay here to keep your body safe ok?Ē

the reason I say talk with him and not to him is the formation of reason. "because my mom says so" isn't a reason, what "because my mom says so" means is " I won't do such and such because mom scares me", which I guess is reason if you want your son to know nothing but fear.

note what his therapist said, he is trying to instill reason in your son. "you don't run out in the street cause if you do you could get hurt", it makes perfect sense. I mean, humans are just wet computers, we learn, we don't just pop out of our mom knowing HOW to reason. if a mother does nothing but tell her son how to then the son will never know to without mom without others (in your sons case, the therapist). play therapy is a lot more than "play", it's litterly therapy for growing minds.

and don't think I'm being hard on you here, I'm not, people with ADHD take a lot of special attention by professionals for brain organization
. the concept of therapy itself is pretty hard sometimes.
I think you were being very hard on her and I'm pretty sure she didn't come here to have her post picked apart. I get very upset when people blame parenting as the reason for ADHD because that is not the case. If she was abusive or treating her son terribly or acting like she didn't love him, I can see how this would be an issue. But she sounds like somebody who loves her son and wants to get help and is open to help. She is allowed to feel like all her options are done. Because that's what it feels like when you have a child that you can't help. She has taken him to professionals and been given a diagnosis. I don't know if the diagnosis is correct which is why I asked the question I did ask of her. But I don't think telling her how she feels is wrong is going to be helpful at all.
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Old Yesterday, 06:45 AM
Monox D. I-Fly Monox D. I-Fly is offline
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Re: I donít recognize my son anymore

Quote:
Originally Posted by Drogheda98 View Post
still a raw nerve, and my apologies to the lady who asked the question. heh, I think that was really a note to my own mother.
Ah, so that's why your first post felt so relatable to me. Turns out we have similar mom. For some years I was afraid of her because I thought she hated me. It's only in the recent years that we started to get close.
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Old Yesterday, 11:43 AM
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Re: I donít recognize my son anymore

You will find some hopefully helpful information in the sticky thread "Dizfriz's
Corner." Please check it out.

Also, check youtube.com for videos by Dr. Russell Barkley. He explains what
adhd is like so parents can understand.

And ... I highly recommend reading "Parenting With Love And Logic" by Clive and Fay
... and/or "How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen - And How To Listen So Your Kids Will Talk".

I was pretty sure my granddaughter had adhd from about the age of 5 or 6,
but couldn't convince my daughter to get her diagnosed and treated until she
was 10. She's 21 now and says the Concerta made her feel like a zombie, BUT
they gave her the space over a year or two to develop some skills that were
under-developed.

She might have benefited from a different med, but she didn't want to see the
psychiatrist her ASD sister was seeing, and the family GP wasn't very versed in
mental health issues.
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