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General Parenting Issues The purpose of this forum is to discuss general parenting issues related to children with AD/HD(ADD & ADHD)

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  #31  
Old 06-08-17, 03:08 PM
dvdnvwls dvdnvwls is offline
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Re: I never expected the anger .... I'm desperate

"Acting out" is all that's left, if no one heeds your words. "Acting out" is a desperate form of communication for when all else fails. It's also used by people who for whatever reason don't usually talk.

I've certainly "acted out" before, and I hate doing it and I do a very poor job of it.

Every parent knows there are times when a child is hearing but not paying attention. If an intelligent 17-year-old is resorting to stupid behaviour tricks, I'd urge parents to consider that the same thing can easily happen in reverse: parents hearing the kid's words but not paying attention.

ADHD often seriously complicates this picture in several ways - here are a few that I can think of:

- Alexithymia: having feelings but being truly unable to express them; can also include having feelings but himself having no clue which feelings they are. This can be extremely frustrating for the person who has it and for those around him, because on several levels he will not make sense. When a 17-year-old has strong feelings he can't explain, or doesn't even know he has them, generally everyone will end up frustrated and angry, including him.

- Anxiety: Anxiety is constantly very high for most with ADHD. It can be crippling. Anxiety over knowing you're 17 but have the emotional maturity of a 12-year-old is huge - and believe me, he knows. Anxiety over being judged not good enough for parents, teachers, and other authorities is huge also. If you had a job where you were put in a probationary period for seventeen years, and you had to attend a performance assessment meeting every single day of that time, you'd understand.

- Working Memory: In ADHD, the part of the brain that you use for putting together a list of instructions is faulty. You can see that there's a list, but you're poor at figuring out how the items on that list fit together - for example, not being able to see why they go in a certain order, not seeing why the order could or could not be changed in certain ways, and not being able to tell which items are more important. Also not being able to perform with "Do A, but keep in mind B" - because "keep in mind" is part of the brain that doesn't work right. The 17-year-old knows that some things don't work for him, but he probably can't explain them because he hasn't studied ADHD textbooks much. His responses can be confusion, frustration, self-blame, blaming others after realizing self-blame is incorrect and unhelpful, anger, ... a broad range.

When parents and teachers don't know these things, or know them but don't act accordingly, the 17-year-old has few options.
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Old 06-20-17, 02:57 PM
Pilgrim Pilgrim is offline
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Re: I never expected the anger .... I'm desperate

I spent 20 years trying to make decisions that I didn't make after high school, and some of them still haven't been made. I just come out of a toxic relationship with my mother and this is what inevitably destroyed it. Both feeling like we were right, standing up for what we believed in, it just turning in to a bloody stalemate. But as the offspring always feeling like I was lectured when all I wanted to be was understood. No one said it would be easy, but the results last a life time.
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