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Old 10-06-16, 10:24 AM
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Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

I always feel that if someone takes a long time to reply to my messages, is short with me, or can't meet up on a specific day that he/she doesn't like me. I've spent most of my life thinking that people don't like me and are only being nice to my face. Things have improved now that I am in my 30s but when I was a child I barely had friends and was the victim of bullying. There are very few people I can rely on these days who do not make me feel this rejection sensitivity.

I know that this is a symptom of ADHD but are most of us like this? If so, does medication help with this aspect? Do things improve the older one gets? I see slight improvement but nowhere near where I would like things to be.
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Old 10-06-16, 10:30 AM
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Re: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

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Originally Posted by castalia View Post
I know that this is a symptom of ADHD but are most of us like this?
This may be a common experience among people who've experienced a lot of rejection -- including, perhaps, people whose ADHD causes a lot of interpersonal problems -- but I've not heard it considered a symptom of ADHD before.

My guess would be that therapy, more so than medication, could help; on the other hand, if medications help with the interpersonal problems and/or self-regulation of emotion, maybe they could help, too.
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Old 10-06-16, 11:30 AM
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Re: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

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Originally Posted by castalia View Post
I know that this is a symptom of ADHD but are most of us like this? If so, does medication help with this aspect? Do things improve the older one gets? I see slight improvement but nowhere near where I would like things to be.
I dont believe this is a symptom of adhd but I believe the trauma of being rejected and bullied can lead to you feeling this way. I dont think meds will help this but therapy and healthy boundaries would.
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Old 10-06-16, 12:23 PM
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Re: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

I think it's more of a symptom of constant rejection. Perhaps the feelings could be fed by constant obsessing about what people think of you, and a result being that you read into every little detail. So the ADD doesn't cause the feelings or sensitivity, but only amplifies them. Medication might help in that case, but therapy would be a better overall option.
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Old 10-06-16, 01:09 PM
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Re: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

I'm the same way, just not horribly severe. But it does keep me from forming lasting and close relationships, or pursuing romantic and sexual interests. And auditioning for theatre/singing/band.
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Old 10-06-16, 04:18 PM
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Re: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

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Originally Posted by castalia View Post
I always feel that if someone takes a long time to reply to my messages, is short with me, or can't meet up on a specific day that he/she doesn't like me.
It's entirely possible that the person has ADHD. Lots of folks with ADHD have trouble getting around to checking that email regularly (before the smart phone, most folks checked daily, responded 2-3 times a week), and remembering appointments they made.

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Old 10-06-16, 06:29 PM
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Re: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

The real question is...... do you like yourself ?
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Old 10-06-16, 07:32 PM
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Re: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

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Originally Posted by WheresMyMind View Post
It's entirely possible that the person has ADHD. Lots of folks with ADHD have trouble getting around to checking that email regularly (before the smart phone, most folks checked daily, responded 2-3 times a week), and remembering appointments they made.
It is likely, yes. In fact, this person said that he was like this with everyone (and I have confirmed it to be true).
I wonder why some ADD folks are bad with massaging and others are very prompt. Is it maybe a difference between inattentive and another type of ADD?
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Old 10-06-16, 08:51 PM
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Re: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

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Originally Posted by castalia View Post
It is likely, yes. In fact, this person said that he was like this with everyone (and I have confirmed it to be true).
I wonder why some ADD folks are bad with massaging and others are very prompt. Is it maybe a difference between inattentive and another type of ADD?
I'm great with messaging back if I do it immediately.

If I pause and do anything else first (maybe because more pressing), and/or say "I'll message back later/in a minute" I might as well say "I'll message back never" because the second it's off my immediate radar it's gone indefinitely. Maybe will pop in the next day, next month, next year...most likely I'll recall when the person messages again to see why I didn't message back.

Before subtype removal I was always dx combined
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Old 10-06-16, 09:09 PM
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Re: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

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Originally Posted by peripatetic View Post
I'm great with messaging back if I do it immediately.

If I pause and do anything else first (maybe because more pressing), and/or say "I'll message back later/in a minute" I might as well say "I'll message back never" because the second it's off my immediate radar it's gone indefinitely. Maybe will pop in the next day, next month, next year...most likely I'll recall when the person messages again to see why I didn't message back.

Before subtype removal I was always dx combined
Are you like this with those very close to you? Like your girlfriend or your parents?
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Old 10-07-16, 12:24 AM
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Re: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

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Are you like this with those very close to you? Like your girlfriend or your parents?
everyone. it's not person-specific; it's me-specific. it's just a trait of mine.

mum's deceased; father, sure...but he's no better...where i got it from i don't have a girlfriend, but i'm that way with my partner/husband. i never really dated during the texting/social media era, but i assure you that i'm equally good at not responding to voicemails or remembering commitments in general if it's not brought to my notice at the right time and then i head out immediately. i get sidetracked. with anyone. sometimes if something is super on my mind, because it's HUGE...like...i will never forget the date of a certain friend's passing...then i'll be all incapable of focusing on anything else. but it almost has to be traumatic for me to not have something potentially slip off my radar and into the aether, so to speak.

actually, EDIT, to say that my child, provided she's within my line of sight/earshot, definitely can hold my attention. she's the most fascinating thing and not traumatising. but, i mean...i *grew* her. so, yeah...and she's developing in all of these ways and she's only eighteen months but then she's, holy ****! already eighteen months. so, yeah...my kid, so long as i maintain some sort of in my proximity contact, is 100% and i follow up/follow through/am "in the moment" more. but, i can't think of another example like that. nothing compares. or should, for me/in my actual as-i'm-living-it world, i think.
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Old 10-07-16, 09:50 AM
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Re: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

This process is often associated with ADHD, however it is almost always a secondary process, caused by the experience of living with ADHD, not the underlying brain difference.....

it's roots lie in the messages we take from how others respond to our ADDeryness.

This means that meds don't really work for this stuff...... if we are on meds and meet new people our behaviour appears OK.... however our experiences way back in our childhood and adolescence have primed us to interpret normal day to day process of moving in and out of contact with someone as a threat to the relationships we need to function.

This means we over-react, it's called "rubber-banding".... an experience in the here and now is felt as if it were an experience from back in our past.....

Meds don't fix it. Therapy does.
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Old 10-07-16, 10:28 AM
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Re: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

Quote:
Originally Posted by peripatetic View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by castalia View Post
Are you like this with those very close to you? Like your girlfriend or your parents?
I'm great with messaging back if I do it immediately.

If I pause and do anything else first (maybe because more pressing), and/or say "I'll message back later/in a minute" I might as well say "I'll message back never" because the second it's off my immediate radar it's gone indefinitely. Maybe will pop in the next day, next month, next year...most likely I'll recall when the person messages again to see why I didn't message back.
For what it's worth, I'm the same way as peripatetic in this regard.

And yet, I have relatives who've known me >35 years who still take it as a personal slight when I fail to return a call or reply to an e-mail or acknowledge a birthday. I mean to -- I really do -- and I may think about this person often and care deeply about their feelings and love them very much, but it doesn't automatically translate into remembering to reply in a timely manner.

The relatives I have in mind don't have ADHD (unlike me), as best I can tell, but they are very sensitive to the perceived rejection (or failure to communicate in a timely manner).
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Old 10-07-16, 05:32 PM
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Good Point! Rejection Sensitivity is Widely Distributed...

Quote:
Originally Posted by namazu View Post
...The relatives I have in mind don't have ADHD (unlike me), as best I can tell, but they are very sensitive to the perceived rejection (or failure to communicate in a timely manner).
I think I was very sensitive to perceived rejection when I was younger. I somehow got a grip on it from my time in business, just from observing that people generally do (or fail to do) things for their own reasons (including being fearful, egotistical, disorganized, or just poorly socialized), and it is much more likely I don't know their reasons than than that it has the least thing to do with me. It made sense to me intellectually, and I can remember sort of drumming it into myself, and eventually my feelings just got out of the way so I could be a better observer of people. And I would have to say not taking things personally made a big improvement in my life.

I've also heard from some other people that they got this same lesson from the book "The Four Agreements" by Don Ruiz. The 2nd & 3rd Agreements are "Don't take anything personally" and "Don't make assumptions," although I would go further and say "Be curious."

So I would tend to think RSD is secondary to ADHD, and likely comes from having a lot of hurtful experiences while you are still too young to see other people as having separate motivations.

OTOH, my guess is that a lot of NT's transform their own rejection sensitivity into a set of rules, expectations and judgements as to what responses are "required" of "decent people" to meet their standards (and incidentally spare them from feeling rejected and soothe their wounded ego by feeling superior).

So ADHD people get it on both ends, plenty of negative feedback they interpret as rejection when young, and plenty more harsh judgement from NTs struggling with the same issues when older.
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Old 10-07-16, 06:01 PM
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Re: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

This is very recognizable to me. I have been bullied a lot in school and have often not found the emotional support I needed from my parents. If I have the feeling I'm being rejected it is awful to me. Mostly it leads to me not feeling good enough. When I'm drunk it might lead to angry outbursts.

Even on this forums sometimes if a post of mine is thanked by nobody I believe that people are tired of me and don't like me anymore. Yet, if someone does like my posts I feel that they do it out of pity. (No reason to like my posts if you do not want to, or not like them when you want to.)

One of the things my ex told me lately was that she really felt bad for me whenever she said no, because she could see how much it hurts me when I am being rejected. It was difficult for me to hear, but I can completely understand her feelings. I think it is great she told me since it gives me some valuable insights about myself and what I need to work on.
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