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  #46  
Old 02-03-14, 11:20 AM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

Is it at all possible that, now that you're 5 months into the marriage and the after-effects of the infatuation, engagement, marriage and all the emotions that go into it have worn off?

Maybe without looking at each other through the inebriation goggles of love, you now have a clear picture and you're able to see the imperfections of the other person and vice versa?
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  #47  
Old 02-03-14, 03:55 PM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

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Originally Posted by Dopes1 View Post
Is it at all possible that, now that you're 5 months into the marriage and the after-effects of the infatuation, engagement, marriage and all the emotions that go into it have worn off?

Maybe without looking at each other through the inebriation goggles of love, you now have a clear picture and you're able to see the imperfections of the other person and vice versa?
Unfortunately the infatuation and inebriation goggles came off a long time ago, even before we got engaged. It's not that we didn't love or care about one another, but the honeymoon stage was past.

I think we got a good look at what it was like living with one another and it didn't mesh well. There is constant tension because there are little things that create friction.

She is highly proactive, where I like to keep things as they are and change things only when needed. I sleep in on the weekends, and she feels like she needs to drag me out of bed. I stay up later (11:00 to midnight), she goes to bed early.

She wants to finish the entire basement, but I think it's a waste of money/effort and that it's fine as it is. She needs a new car, which I support, but she wants to spend beyond our means. She wants new carpet, flooring, etc but those big changes are not financially possible especially with what our wedding cost.

Finances do create a lot of stress for us. She works part time and brings in a little, and I work full time and bring in a lot. Her dietary restrictions (gluten allergy) and recent doctor/hospital bills have been insanely expensive. Gluten free food is three times the cost compared to other food. We are in a very tight spot financially, and it stresses me out to think about paying monthly on a $13,000 car.

Months ago I suggested that we look at some other options, such as a car with 40,000 miles and around $10,000. She would not have it, and kept searching at the $13,000 pricepoint. I think anytime she brings up the car, I instantly cringe inside and try to avoid the issue. Not healthy I know, but I can't seem to get her to understand that a car with 40,000 miles is not a deathtrap and would likely be very reliable. She will not consider anything over 30,000 miles and greatly prefers it to be under 20,000. She also denies that $250/month for a car (after putting $2000 down) would be difficult to do for us. I have verbally told her how much things cost each month for us and compared it to what we both bring in and what I have in savings. She simply will not compromise on this issue, and many others.
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Old 02-03-14, 05:14 PM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

Sound like a woman who likes "things" and thinks a man is there to provide them.... if you don't provide.... you're not a bloke.

This isn't unusual... many women are brought up this way.. and there's a tendency for them to move from parental home to mans home and not see much of a difference.

Best treatment for princess syndrome is a period on their own.... own place, own job, own bills.

Problem is these women are often extremely good manipulators... and can spot a nice easygoing soft boundaried bloke at a thousand paces.... from then on in it's nicey nicey until the hook is well in then things change and it all goes dark.... and EVERYTHING is the guys fault.

Been there, got the T shirt.... fortunately avoided the ring.
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  #49  
Old 02-03-14, 06:22 PM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

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Best treatment for princess syndrome is a period on their own.... own place, own job, own bills.
Own place, own job, own bills... figuratively speaking - THE MODERN DAY TOWER.

I actually really liked your analogy.
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  #50  
Old 02-04-14, 01:13 AM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

Everyone, I feel like I'm having a night of emotional and mental clarity. I find myself feeling free, excited to be my own person, to do the things I want and need instead of being told, to be truly independent, to spend time with the people I care about, to not hide or disguise myself any longer, and most of all to be happy and carefree.

I know this is just a small step but an important one. Thank you all for your support.
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  #51  
Old 02-04-14, 01:29 AM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

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Everyone, I feel like I'm having a night of emotional and mental clarity. I find myself feeling free, excited to be my own person, to do the things I want and need instead of being told, to be truly independent, to spend time with the people I care about, to not hide or disguise myself any longer, and most of all to be happy and carefree.

I know this is just a small step but an important one. Thank you all for your support.
Being happy and carefree are (very nice) side effects.

Living without your internal personal freedom (as opposed to your external freedom - you can have or not have your internal personal freedom while in jail) is dangerous and dishonest, and I'm glad you're putting it back into action.
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  #52  
Old 02-05-14, 09:25 PM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

There are some new developments tonight. We haven't spoken to one another for a couple days, and she suddenly came at me and gave me a piece of her mind. I wish I had a recording of the stuff she just said.

She threw down a copy of her Discover bills for the past two months, itemized and totaled. Most of it contained groceries, gas, house items, etc. It came out to a pretty large total each month. She said I took advantage of her and jeopardized her credit by making her pay for these items. It's a fairly large sum, I realize that but she never once expressed concern that she was paying for so much. And besides, I've payed for 3 of her Discover bills in the last 5 months. Keep in mind, I handle the mortgage, utilities, car insurance, medical bills, and furniture payments. Her Discover card bills are a drop in the bucket in comparison.

I cashed most of the checks for our wedding money into my account. We had talked about putting this money in my retirement fund (I had taken a large amount out of my retirement because the wedding cost much more than anticipated). I told her because of the wedding, honeymoon, etc. I had to keep the wedding money in my checking as a buffer of sorts. We didn't have much, and it was necessary. At the time, she understood and acknowledged this.

She now calls me a liar and a thief because she thinks I have taken the money to spend on other things. This simply isn't true. The cost of living more than doubled when she moved in and it was impossible to put the money anywhere else.

She says I need help, that I've destroyed our marriage and betrayed the trust of her and her family. That I promised her dad I'd help her get a car and that it was all a lie. This went on and on and on.

I really have no words for the crap I'm hearing. At this point, I can't risk even trying to reason with her or offer a rebuttal. If she gets any more upset who knows what she'll resort to. She says she has a lawyer and it's her legal right to stay here until she can make other arrangements. I've never once told her to leave or expressed a desire for her to leave. I know a lawyer friend who specializes in this area, so I'll be seeking his council immediately.

I'm just shocked at the amount of anger and resentment here. None of this garbage is even remotely true. She's completely deranged and inconsolable. There has got to be some kind of imbalance present. I don't know how else to describe her delusional state.

After tonight, I'm just hoping things move quickly so I can get on with my life.
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Old 02-05-14, 09:32 PM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

You're doing the smart thing - get active, don't sit on your hands or twiddle your thumbs. I would be going straight to a lawyer and telling them EVERYTHING.

I honestly don't know how I would possibly handle that situation. You're a much more reserved man than I.

Wish you luck in this situation... I really do feel for you. Sounds absolutely tortuous.
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Old 02-06-14, 03:12 AM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

First, sorry to hear of all this. It is heartbreaking and very difficult and confusion. I know. I will share my similar experience in hopes that it provides some contrast...

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About two years ago I bought my own house. I had never lived on my own before so as you can imagine I had my share of bad habits. I would let dishes go for a whole week before cleaning them, leave piles of laundry in the basement and only wash enough to get by,...Needless to say these things drove my wife completely mad.
Yeah. I had bought my house shortly after meeting my future wife. Stacks of paper everywhere, dishes not done, laundry piled up, yeah, same deal. And she saw it all. I guess I kind of blocked out how bad it was, but... it was bad, yet she didn't run away.

In fact, I was an hour or more late to our first date. She was REALLY ****** but ... she stuck around; she realized I guess, that I didn't mean to send the message that I sent, and that I felt absolutely awful about it.

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She's a very high-strung, perfectionist, type-A person who does not cope well with stressors.
My wife tends to get stressed and likes things her way quite a bit. She's not type-A thank heavens. Although may I throw out that from an ADHD perspective almost everyone is a type-A except other ADHD people? I mean the stuff people rag on me about seems like they're perfectionist type-A sorts, but... actually I'm the one falling short. But I also came to accept that I am just *that way*.

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She would urge me to get the house in order every time we talked and every time she came over (she did not move in until we got married). She would routinely get angry when she saw that I had fallen short in doing the chores she suggested (laundry, dishes, picking up, etc).
My wife and I went through many periods for the first few years of her getting mad when I fell short. Really, dealing with an ADHD person is very frustrating. I see that now. She never prompted me to make stuff better until after we were married. Then it was a lot of back and forth and arguments and being upset on both sides. She felt frustrated having to remind me. I was angry at myself and felt like a 4 year old in a man's body. I got angry, she thought I was angry specifically at her, but mostly I was angry at me. I thought she thought I was a loser, or a child, or an *******, or anything else. How we got through it is explaining to the other person that what they were hearing wasn't what we were saying. She wasn't saying I was an ******* or a loser or a 4 year old. I wasn't angry at her and saying she was mean or something.

I think we both finally realized--her before me perhaps--that I just was unable to do certain things like she expected. I think she changed her expectations. And somehow she found ways of reminding me that didn't set me off. But when I finally realized I was "mentally deficient" in certain ways then her reminding me didn't set me off anymore because I finally saw my shortcomings and accepted them. We both did. It's been a lot better the last few years. Not perfect. Just today I said something she took the wrong way and her frustration at having to take on so much of the logistics came through. But it was so minor compared what that would've looked like 5 years ago.

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This was especially stressful for us in the months leading up to our wedding because she wanted to have our bedroom, living room and basement ready for when she moved in. I admittedly procrastinated on a consistent basis and we barely got the house ready in time for her to move in a couple weeks before the wedding. We had consistent weekly arguments during this time.
Shortly after moving in my wife burst into tears with how ****ty the house was. She wanted color on the walls. She wanted it to look nicer. Stupid me was like "what the hell is wrong with my house?" ... but I let her take charge, I did the grunt work, we figured out how we wanted it to look, with me compromising some to let her implement her style. A few years later she felt a bit better about the place. I'm used to lower middle class life, she's more upper middle class, so there's some conflict. This is a huge house compared to what I grew up in. Tiny compared to hers. And we have friends with fancy houses so there's sometimes a feeling like we live in a dump. I think the place is ok. Anyway... point is that yeah I procrastinate on lots of stuff she reminded me in lots of ways, usually with me being ****** until we both realized what my limitations are and both accepting them. As far as I can tell she isn't upset if I forget something (usually). And she's not the type that holds back if she's upset

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After our wedding, my wife suggested that I look into adhd as a possibility for my low motivation and inability to focus on tasks. I did, and was diagnosed and started Adderall in October. The first month was a rollercoaster, but new medications sometimes are. After the second month, my focus and motivation were greatly increased. I was getting much, much more done around the house in terms of cleaning, organization and maintenance. My wife had acknowledged my improvement multiple times.
Good for you. Now, don't take this wrong, but neither you or I can really expect to behave normally in those regards. From where we are coming, you and I have achieved great, amazing things! That you have improved in motivation and accomplishment is awesome. Can you compete with normals? Guessing no. Same here.

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I believe it has degraded to a point where she only looks at the "worst case" in terms of everything in our marriage. I feel like I have made many improvements in terms of being a husband, but the warmth and love wasn't there anymore.
From our perspective, I think, we see how much we've progressed, but I think for NTs, it's hard not to see how far we are from normal. I've often felt like, with my wife, my boss, others, that they only see how I screw up. And I think there's some breach of trust. And it's probably because they expect us to be normal with normal motivation normal executive function and normal follow through and we continually disappoint so when we improve from 80% disappointment to 20% disappointment, it still feels like a lot of disappointment despite the MASSIVE improvement.

It often feels like I just can't win. It felt like that with my wife for years and it was depressing. And maybe the warmth isn't there in my relationship either, I don't know. It's not like it used to be, but then again being married 11 years you don't still act like you met a couple months ago, right? But I no longer have that feeling like I can't win. Or, maybe I feel like I'm not expected to win all the time, but I can run the race and finish most of the time and it's ok for both of us.

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We would be having a fine day and she would have a meltdown because she saw that I had neglected to take the kitchen trash out (even though I cleaned every other bit of the kitchen).
Sounds like the first few years of my marriage. Where expectations were set too high for my to meet most of the time. I just couldn't, try as I might. I wanted to, but it just didn't happen (we know why). Now the expectations aren't as high, it seems. I'm able to do what needs doing maybe with a reminder. Forgetting doesn't mean I don't love her. It means I'm mentally defective.

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I was organizing the entire basement and she became irate because I didn't think to take her wash and place it in the dryer for her while I was down there. The list goes on and on. I always try to be calm when she gets upset, but no matter what I say it ends in her yelling and storming off.
Again, it seems like she doesn't understand your limitations or doesn't accept them. I would never think to do something with wash while I'm down somewhere near the wash doing something else. My wife usually dings me on it but it isn't the frustrated mess that it used to be. Now I know that that isn't something I can reliably do. So does she I guess.

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She says she feels like my mom and that she needs to remind me to do everything around the house.
BTDT. Heard that a lot. And it ****** me off because I heard "you're a worthless little child". She doesn't usually say that but I know it is frustrating for her to have to deal with all the logistics and planning. But, I also do all the ****ty, yucky, ugly, hard work around here. Like taking out the trash or doing the litter boxes. I save her from having to do the nasty stuff. So we've managed to divvy up the duties.

The theme of all this, if you didn't catch it, is that what has saved us so far is that we realize that sometimes you say one thing but a different thing is heard. You do one thing but it means something you didn't intend. That's what we've always dove into the heart of in our arguments. It's always drilled down into "what am I hearing and what did you really mean to say?" on both sides, thank God. That's 99% of the time been the resolution to our fights.

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I always bring up my improvements, and she downplays them. I gently and kindly confronted her about her angry outbursts and suggested that she be more gentle and patient when I forget to do something, and that I'm working on being more organized but will occasionally need a reminder. This made her explode even more. She even defended her outbursts because these feelings have built up over time. She'll constantly refer past disappointments (pre-ADD medication) and shame me for them. She doesn't feel like I'm making an honest attempt to improve myself but I believe I am.
Well, that right there is NOT fair fighting. It sounds like maybe she never forgave you or came to terms with those things. It also sounds like she doesn't truly grok what it means for you to have ADHD. She seems to think you can just snap out of it and be normal. None of us on this forum can be. We can be better, but never normal.

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No matter what the situation, if I have a differing opinion or view than her it will cause her to get very angry. She needs a new car, and because I suggested we look in the $8,000-$10,000 range (lower than what she wants) she thinks that I don't have her safety in mind and am completely ignoring her needs. I know I'm not innocent by any means, but she is always the first to raise her voice despite me being gentle with her.
I've had fights over money stuff and it is hard. I know what it is like to be pretty even keel with a partner that is easily upset. Interestingly as our daughter has gotten older I've come to see the precise same behavior / response patterns in her that I see in my wife and I have come to realize in my case at least it is a personality thing. It is fascinating and eye opening. And let's me not take things so personally anymore.

But, maybe the damage is done already. I think marriage counseling is what I'd go for were I in your shoes.

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She also claims that I display no emotion, and have a blank face when we talk or fight.
That's just ****ty. I for one don't emote a lot, but I think once people get to know me they learn to read my muted signals.

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Originally Posted by SirSchmidt View Post
I can see this, and I think it's because of depression from of our degraded relationship, plus a defense mechanism because I never know when she's going to fly off the handle. She thinks it's another neurological disorder and that I'm to blame for all of our troubles.
Guess what. Everyone is screwed up. And so we have to find people who are screwed up in ways we an live with. My wife is screwed up. I can live with it (not saying it's easy but I can). Likewise I'm screwed up and so far she has put up with me for the last 11 years.

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Yesterday she said "you're the bad guy in this marriage" and that "your adhd has taken its toll on me".
That's a horrible thing to say. Her *****iness has taken a toll on you and she's the bad girl in the marriage. That's what I say. You are who you are. She can't accept you for that.

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For the last week, we hardly talk. She leaves home early and comes home late. She has made it quite clear, both verbally and non-verbally, that she wants to part ways asap.
Marriage counseling might be a really good idea to try and get some 3rd party professional help to work through all the issues and hurt. That's what I'd push for in your shoes.

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I really wish that we could return to our joyous, deeply in-love former selves but I honestly see no way that this can happen. I am emotionally and physically exhausted from everything, and my willingness to fight for our marriage is gone. There's now a part of me that finds peace in the thought of her not being in my life. Another part is completely heartbroken and grief-stricken that it has come to this.
I'm not saying my marriage is perfect. I've doubted it would last for years and years. Part of that is my confusion and difficulty in gaining any kind of normal perspective on things. Interestingly, talking to my pdoc the other day about my wife made me realize how far she and I have come and how we've been able to make it work, somehow, perhaps just barely. I've often wondered if we are right for each other. I've also wondered if I have any idea how much of a PITA I am to be with. But then I also know how much of a PITA she is to be with. She and I see to deserve each other.

There's a lot of hurt and resentment piled up in your case. And I don't know if you ever really got to the heart of the feelings that came out of the *perceived* messages sent back and forth. I'm no relationship expert but I get the sense that there's unrealistic expectations on her side leading to disappointment leading to feeling unloved, not realizing your limitations are the real reason for the disappointment. And on your side it is possible, as with most ADHD folks, I think, me certainly included, that we don't really have a clear picture of what we're like or what it's like to deal with us. I have come to see due to my wife and due to a friend with ADHD, that we are a giant PITA to put up with and very frustrating, nay, maddening, to deal with.

I hope you find some peace and find someone who can accept you and be gentle with you without treating you like someone lesser than them.

It is a heartbreaking place you've arrived and I'm very sorry and offer you a hand on the shoulder in some hope of comfort.
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Old 02-06-14, 05:27 AM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

Please LEAVE. This is ABUSE. The scars of verbal abuse are much harder to overcome and they cut much deeper.
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Old 02-06-14, 09:55 AM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

A week or two ago I accepted the fact that it's over. I'm fully moving forward with getting us a dissolution. I'm trying to keep the sanity as much as possible in the meantime. The only trouble is, she needs someplace to go, as the house is completely in my name (thank God). I'm going to do whatever I can to help get her out of my house.
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Old 02-06-14, 11:08 AM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

Be sure you talk to your lawyer friend ......there's a good chance that she will make a grab for your house......I know that's hard to hear, and I know you think since you bought it before you were married .....there's no chance she can get it .....


.......I do not trust the legal system in this country any more .....for sure there is no actual justice......and once you walk into court......literally anything can happen .....the law has been perverted and twisted beyond recognition, and lawyers can trap you .....and then in a family court like this will probably be, you are at the mercy of a judge......and judges contact with reality is minimal.......srsly......oh they might be great legal minds, but they live the rarified world of law, and everyone but everyone kowtows to them, in the courtroom and out, and that's not a world based on reality......

........So they can and often do make judgements that are jaw-dropping ......so do not think that your house is safe ......all you can do is get your hands of the craftiest, most conniving attorney you can and hope for the best ,.....

....I know you don't want anything out of her, and I wouldn't expect you to try, but don't think that she will have the same attitude......Remember she blames you for the failure of your marriage, .......and whatever you do, don't admit to that ....it will turn around to bite you .....


.....I think that right now, as soon as you, #1 on your to do list ....put off the laundry, the sweeping, putting the trash out ....none of that is as important as talking to a lawyer .....find out what you need to do to protect yourself .....you don't have to mention it to her, ....you may not even go through with the divorce, but find out what will hurt you and what will help you legally ........

..I cannot stress that strongly enough .....get legal help by someone GOOD......and do it NOW !!!!


...and I am sorry that you are going through this ....watching a dream die is one of the hardest things you will have to go through .......and it's going to color your world for a time to come .....but wait to mourn until you are safe on the other side of it .....once you are safe .....

.......just try to be the best most honest person you can be, and be as generous as you can afford ....you're young, and can make up what you will lose ....while you both will go through a bad time, you should, and probably will, get out with your house......and she is back on the street so to speak, so she is the one who will be most impacted by this ....do try to help her out as much as you can .....you will come through it and feel proud of yourself that you behaved as a gentleman and a good guy, even under adverse conditions......


......I have had all the important people in my life die, and I have been through a bitter divorce, thank the fates we didn't have children, so I can tell you from experience that death and divorce are the worst things that humans can go through ....other stuff is very hard, work related stuff ....schooling can be tough ...but when it's humans involved with humans,.....that is is hardest and most painful .....

......I wish I could tell you otherwise .....but truth be told, you are in for some rough months ahead .....
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Old 02-18-14, 12:05 AM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

I want to give a brief update.

After a few weeks of extremely high emotions, things have settled down a bit. We're going to an attorney who will mediate and assist with a dissolution. I think it's going to be relatively peaceful and fair, judging by my wife's cooperation and more level-headed demeanor in the past week. Though, I am still on high alert due to her explosive nature.

One thing that's helped our situation is her acceptance of a full-time job which starts this week. Soon she'll be able to find her own place or move in with a friend. After everything's official and her stuff is out of my house I will finally be able to relax. Here's to the first day of the rest of my life, starting soon...
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Old 02-18-14, 02:07 AM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

SirSchmidt--

Wishing you all the best at this no-doubt very stressful time. Here's hoping that the future is bright for you--
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Old 02-18-14, 04:59 AM
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I'd like to think that if two people really love and care for each other and want to stay together, they will both be willing to work stuff like this out, for the sake of their relationship.
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