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Old 02-27-18, 12:55 AM
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Hi Mom <3

Starting a thread to give myself a place to come talk to my mom.

Doing it publicly instead of in a private blog or journal...because I like the fact that people can see what I type. In supportive environments like this forum...I find it very rewarding. It's helpful, healing, and gratifying. It makes me feel good when people who care about me read my stuff. Makes me feel less alone in this world.

I really miss my mom.
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  #2  
Old 02-27-18, 01:11 AM
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Re: Hi Mom <3

Hi mom
I'm just calling to see how things are going. To check in.

Haven't checked in on you and dad in awhile now.
Not too long ago, I checked in everyday by phone. If not by phone, I'd be at your house hanging out with you.

I miss doing that. Just being there with you. You on the couch, me at the table. You'd record dozens of tv shows on your DVR...haha I really think you were borderline addicted to tv...but hell, there's far worse things right?
But you ALWAYS made sure to record shows that you think I'd enjoy with you. I don't enjoy much tv...I haven't had cable tv in my apartment in many years, and I really don't miss it. Most tv bores me to tears.
Yet you somehow managed to always have a few things we could watch together.
And I enjoyed it. I don't think I enjoyed the tv so much as I just enjoyed being with you. Sure it was boring...but still, we were together and we weren't fighting...and so it was good.

I'm sorry to hear that dad's being a a** to you as usual. I never confronted you on this while you were around. To be honest with you mom, you don't take being confronted well. But...and this may well **** you right off...but, you aren't very good to dad either.
I know, I know. It's hard to live with him, and all that. Believe me...I KNOW.
But dang...you're pretty damned hard on him and I think you play a big role in his depression.

But I don't want to start a fight with you tonight mom. Oh lord how we can go at it!

My group is going well. It's 3 days a week as you know, and 2 hour sessions. I kinda wish it was 5 days a week and was 3 or 4 hours per session. . .I'm enjoying having something to do in my life...and feeling productive. Plus I really feel like I contribute a lot to the group. It's nice.

Have you got anything going on right now?
lol...how many cupcakes did you just say you baked today? 36?!...okay well first things first...I'm hopping in my car right now and will be there in 5 minutes! Hope you have milk!!! (which I KNOW you will...cause dang, you were great at keeping you and dad's cupboard and fridges stocked...lol you're the only person I know who has 2 full sized fridges in their kitchen).
And second...why'd you make them?
Awww...that's so nice! lol...you're going to take them to the children's museum in town...just as a random nice thing to do!
You do that so much. You're so well known for it around town. Random acts of kindness. You just surprise people with these things. And you're so gracious about it. Never expecting anything in return. A warm thank you and an occasional loving hug is all you ever want really.

I don't say this to you much mom...but...

I love you. I love you SO much!

And I miss you.
I miss being able to call you. I miss my daily check ins with you. I don't miss our fights...we were a pretty dysfunctional family all in all...but dang, we were best friends in between the fights haha.
I do know in my heart that even though I didn't word it nearly enough...that you knew fully that I loved you. That I loved being with you in our good times. Loved doing things with you.

You are such a special person mom.
Thanks for letting me check in with you tonight.
I've been thinking about you a lot. Not a day goes by...there's a lot of pain I still feel. You broke my heart mommy . I don't understand how this happened. I miss my life with you...things were so much simpler back then.

I love you mom. I hope you have a good night.
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Old 03-09-18, 05:55 AM
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Re: Hi Mom <3

Oh mom...you broke my heart.
:'(
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Old 03-09-18, 06:01 AM
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Re: Hi Mom <3

Quote:
Originally Posted by psychopathetic View Post
Oh mom...you broke my heart.
:'(
My dad died 18 years ago today which is also his birthday. Had a heart attack at age 47. I had just had my oldest daughter a couple of weeks before. There was so much drama. He wasnt a good guy but as an adult we sort of made our amends. I miss him every year so I am right there with you Psycho.
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Old 03-09-18, 06:38 AM
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Re: Hi Mom <3

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Old 04-05-18, 10:26 PM
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Re: Hi Mom <3

HI mom. I miss you.

A year ago you were up with dad in another city taking care of him at the hospital/recovery center after having his open heart surgery.
I was missing you both at the time .
Dad was pretty dang lucky to have you there with him. I don't think he'd have survived his surgery without you by his side.
I love you mom.

It's been bumpy here lately mom. Some pretty damn tough lows. I'm just trying to get by each day.
I'm moving slow mom. I have to pick myself up and start pushing through life on my own now. And I just don't want to! I want to go back to the comforts that you and dad gave me! Not having to worry about working or money, not having to worry about food, always having access to a car...and having people to be with! You and me just hanging out each day...or taking drives with some boys you and dad watched...or going up to the mountains to sit by a fire! Or going on day trips with dad and the boys...going to new towns just for the heck of it or something.

It's me now. And that's it. And I'm slow to catching on to that. That reality. It's never just been me. It was me...with my parents to fall back on. I was spoiled. Life was handed to me on a silver platter. I lived in this bubble.
I never learned how to be self-dependent. I never had to feel this amount of pressure money wise. I've never been so close to being homeless before.

I've been feeling real bad for myself mom. Some pretty tough pity parties going on in my head.
My thoughts have even started to dip into suicidal territory...though there's just too much in life still I love and that I want to experience. My flame is somehow sitll flickering. So those thoughts have just been brief.

I'll get there mom. I can't promise that...and I'm in a decent mood today...who knows where I'll be mentally tomorrow.
But right now...
I think I'll get there.
There's things I gotta figure out in life. Adjustments...ways to make things easier for me...to make me feel safer and more secure in life.
And I think they'll happen.
I'm just slow.
I miss you mom. You were always so okay with my slowness. I feel like people expect great things out of me...quickly. But I don't move quick. lol I never felt that pressure from you.

Ah well. I just wanted to say hi mom.
It was may last year. Oh I miss you mom.

I love you.
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Old 04-17-18, 03:15 PM
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Re: Hi Mom <3

Hey mom, I sure love you! lol oh I almost teared up there >.<;

I'm doing okay mom. A whole lot better than 3 weeks ago...that's for sure. Started back up on adderall, and since then I've started doing all sorts of things I've been wanting to do, but was never quite able to bring myself to doing it when I was off the adderall there over the past year.
I've picked up old hobbies, I'm halfway through my mountain in my room...and I've even started to think about employment again. I know just where I'm going to apply...it's that center here in town that helps those with developmental disabilities (as well as those with brain injuries). I think it'll be a lot like working at the lovely nursing home...only, unlike there, it'll be filled with hanging out with the people 1on1.
haha how awesome would it be if I could hang out with the eldest of the 2 boys you me and dad have been lucky enough to help out with over the last 10 or so years through respite? I should bring it up to them (if I ever get hired) that I know him and him and I have a pretty strong friendship (we're like brothers as you know!) and if I could spend some time working with him.

So anyhow, my adderall is kicking some ***.
I quit taking it soon after you'd passed away...omg I'm about to cry again. grrrr
And then I just slipped into a depression and just didn't care anymore. I didn't have the energy to get to my doctor's appointment to get more and meh...took me nearly a year to get back on it.

I'm struggling with my case manager though mom. It's tough. He's so damned critical of me, and he puts a TON of pressure on me with his constant expectations. He keeps pushing me and pushing me and he wants me to keep doing things his way (he's VERY much so the whole "it's my way or the highway!" kind of guy and it gets real old real fast mom). And he keeps telling me he's going to help me out with things, like with the car and with employment and all this...or else he tells me he's going to call me so we can set things up...
And then he doesn't follow through.
Yet, I see him busting his absolute *** off for other people in the group. It's frustrating and I upsetting and almost makes me want to cry.
I think he thinks I'm capable of doing everything on my own, therefore I shouldn't need his help and (he's actually expressed this just last week to me)...he's afraid I'll become dependent on the help so I'll stop working on stuff on my own.
But damn it mom! I DO need help. And I DO deserve it! Sure there's others in the group in more need then I am...but that doesn't mean I should be freaking ignored or shoved off to the side.
I'm really about ready to file a proper complaint against him.
I will talk to him about my frustrations when I meet with him 1on1 next time (hopefully next week)...but it's just very frustrating.
And I feel a big sense of helplessness in this situation. I really wish I had an advocate in my corner who was willing to stand strong and to fight to the bitter end for me.
That was you mom. And damn were you good at it! I don't have you there in my corner though. I don't have anyone! I feel so vulnerable.
And it further frustrates me...that I'm so dependant on this damned caseworker. He gives me rides...and he's possibly a way for me to get my car fixed, and maybe he can pull some strings for me somehow to help me land employment at this center...maybe he can even help me get some new clothes for the job (I'm down to 1 pair of good pants mom. The others I'm wearing today have a huge hole in the butt/thigh from where the darn car ripped them.
It doesn't help that dad took a bunch of my clothes with him when he moved to boise. Doesn't help either that I've put on so much weight since you were gone...and most my old shirts don't fit anymore.

About the weight though mom...I've lost some! Not a lot...but I am down. I was able to weigh myself 1 1/2 weeks ago...but it's not just that, but I can feel it with the shirts I'm wearing. Where before they were a bit too short and I had to keep tugging them down or else the very bottom of my belly would show (SO freaking embarrassing /sad)...now I don't have to do the tugging!
So that's something .

I need you mom. I need my advocate back. I need you in my corner to fight for me with this.
I think that I will forever need you mommy. For the rest of my life there will always be reasons I need you.
But you know. You're here. You're with me. In spirit. I've got to learn to fight for myself now mom. It sucks. I don't like this life like this. I so miss having you to hold me up and to let me fall on...but like it or not...here I am. It's either I fight or I sink. That's really all there is.
And I can remember how fiercely you've fought for me in the past through tough situations...and I can use those memories to help guide me and to push me to fight fiercely for my own self.


I love you so much mom. I don't ever want to stop talking to you . I don't want you to die mommy.

It's just...it just sucks . It's not even worth asking why. Why did you have to die mom?
I love you mom. I hope, as I believe you did, that you knew in your heart just how deeply I love you.
Thank you mom.



...
I miss my mom guys
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Old 05-11-18, 08:59 AM
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Re: Hi Mom <3

Hey there mom

I was just replying to another thread and I did what I do sometimes and all the sudden I'd typed up a big long reply that was all about me and little about them as I had inteded >.<' .

But it's something I haven't talked about in awhile...and it felt good to type up...so I didn't want to just delete it all either.

So I'm posting it here.
It's some memories of you and dad. But not good ones. It reminds me that we were a very dysfunctional family...almost always when I think of you mom, it's of all the good things, all the happy times. Oh how I love you!
But it's healthy I think...to also remember that it wasn't all good. We had our rough spots as well.

Anyhow...

-----------------------------------

That really sucks man .

My mom and dad couldn't stand each other. Got real bad over the last 10 or so years. It was really frustrating for me. They couldn't even be in the same room with each other for 5 minutes without developing real foul moods.

My dad handled it by spending most his time either in his room, or he turned a spare room into a 'man cave' and spent a lot of time there too.
I always felt bad for him for being forced out of the living room by my mom.

My mom handled it by...CONSTANTLY going on and on about how miserable she was and how my dad did so and so and such and such.
It was insanely frustrating to me...she was always going on and on to me about it, but then she'd call all her family and all of her friends...heck...strangers might call to try and sell her junk over the phone and even with them she'd wiggle how horrible of a person my dad was to them!
I hated it. I love my mom dearly, and I miss her tremendously...but she could be quite mean.
And she was ALWAYS 100% the victim to my dad. She was NEVER honest and owned up to her role in things (she was very often the one who would pick fights with my dad to the point where he'd get mad. But it's HIS fault and she's a huge victim because HE got mad at her for NO reason! She was just sitting there minding her own business not saying a word! ).

In many ways I was glad her wrath was pointed at my dad...because in my early teen years, all that anger and wrath she had was pointed directly at me. And I got labeled the bad one. Everyone thought I was a big monster...no matter how badly I tried to fight and scream and explain that it was my mom who was the angry one and who needed help...It was ME who had to be locked up in jail for a week while I waited for an opening in a boy's lock down facility where I spent almost 2 years at...it was ME who had to move out of her house to go live at my grandparent's....it was ME that had to go live in a boy's group home. I was the bad kid. My mom was the sweet innocent loving mother everyone dreams of having.

Omg dude.
/sigh...I should delete this. I'm going to go copy and paste it somewhere else though haha. I didn't mean to type this all up...not for this thread anyhow.
But it felt good to type up so I don't mind posting it here.
Just not here.
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Old 05-17-18, 12:51 AM
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Re: Hi Mom <3

Hi mom. <3

So today's not been so tough. I thought maybe I'd break down on this day. But it's actually been a rather peaceful day.

As you know...today is 1 year.

It got pretty rough a few times for me there mom. lol remember those few months where I was eating fast food at least once a day 5 or 6 days a week? I was driving over to the town 30 miles away just to eat...and not just to eat, but to gorge!
I was eating so much that it was a struggle just to get up from the table at the fastfood place, and walk out to my car. I gained tons of weight VERY rapidly. My shirts no longer buttoned, my pants got tight...and all the swelling from the crazy amounts of salt I was taking in! My forearms would puff up as well as my legs and ankles.
I felt disgusting. Then I'd go gorge again!
I'd often be sitting there with you as I was gorging. At least in my mind. I'd imagine you sitting across the table with me.

You left this massive hole in me mom. And I was so desperate to fill up that hole. It felt like it was going to suck me in and I'd never be able to return from it.
So I'd eat until I was sick in a desperate attempt to fill that hole up.
Only it didn't work.

It took dad moving, and having a car I couldn't legally or safely drive (which I couldn't afford to fix) that fixed that cycle I was in. And I still eat out to much...but at least it's nothing like it was during those months.
I've lost some of the weight. My pants feel better on me again...my shirts still don't button up without a lot of strain though.
I feel better though. I can at least walk around again without feeling like I'm going to pass out.

Or you remember those few real tough weeks I just had like 1 or 2 months ago?
Yeah...those were some dark times mom. I was very close to putting myself into the hospital. So was my pill lady.
It's like...things just hit me hard all at once and just devastated. And by "things" I mean your passing.
It just felt SO unfair and I felt SO angry! I was helpless in that there was nothing I could do, and I felt hopeless in that there was nothing that could be done.
I almost wanted to just give up mom . I lost you, I lost dad, I don't really have any physical friends, this website seems to be going down hill, I didn't like my therapy group at the time...nor did I like my therapist or case worker...
Life just felt like crap...and like I said, I was SO angry about it all! But most especially I was so angry about you mom. I wasn't angry at you...I wasn't angry at God...I was just angry. It wasn't fair and I wasn't ready and I couldn't do life without you. I felt alone and abandoned and like the world was going to swallow me up and destroy me and without you to fight for me, there was no more hope.
It didn't help that I was off my all meds during those couple of weeks.

But you know what? I got through.
I talked to my pill-lady...spilled it all out. She was so very sweet. I felt zero judgment from her...but lots of empathy and understanding...and she didn't treat me like I needed to get over my pity party I was throwing...my tantrum...but rather she seemed so genuinely sad and in pain for me. Like she understood the torment I was going through and supported me in my pity party.
I've always loved her. You know that. I've talked of her to you quite a bit. About how she's the most accepting and understanding person I've ever met.

But yeah...I just dumped it all out on her. Had a very soulful talk with her.
She also prescribed me more meds that day.
And she was like magic to me.
The next day I woke up...and that darkness...that heaviness...it just wasn't there anymore. Life felt lighter again!
Then a few days later I started taking my meds...and yeah, those 2 or 3 weeks of deep sorrow...they were done.
What a relief.

I've come to realize how badly I needed those couple of tough weeks. I did a tremendous amount of grieving for you and for the loss of dad and for the loss of my previous life situation.
It was very painful...it was dark...I felt like I was going to give up and drown.
But I didn't. I got through it.
And through it, I was able to grow and to heal. I needed to purge myself of all the sadness and anger and frustrations. I needed to get it out of my system.

I'm glad for those few weeks now that I'm through them and can look back.

And so I'm sitting here a month or 2 after those times...and yeah...it's been 1 year today, but I'm not falling apart.

...
I didn't think I could live life without you and dad mom. I've been so heavly dependent on you through my entire life. I stuggle with so many of the 'basic adult stuffs' in life so badly that you and dad often helped me with.
But you know something? For the first time since your passing...I'm starting to feel hope. I don't believe I'll ever be okay. I don't think the world will ever be right again. But I do believe I can get through and be happy again in life...without you and dad.
And even though you're no longer here physically...I know you're always with me. I'll never truly be without you.

...
I'm so glad that I miss you in the ways I miss you. That you are who you are to me.
You and me fought so hard. MASSIVE clashes. We had an extremely dysfunctional relationship...you drove me freaking nuts mom! You could be so mean and negative and nagging. And you ALWAYS played a victim. You'd start fights that had no reason to exist, then when I got upset and fought back...you'd breakdown (sometimes even crying!) and go on and on about how horrible of a human being I was because I was mad at you and fighting with you.
You'd START THE FREAKING FIGHT...then twist it around and make it so I was the one in the wrong. And you were always so 100% innocent! You'd tell everyone things like "I was just trying to nicely ask him to do so and so." What you'd neglect to tell them is how you weren't nice in any way when you confronted me...but very mean and snooty, with a gross attitude just itching for a fight. And when I had a negative reaction to that...you'd fall apart.
I hated that mom.
And yet everyone took you're damn side. I was always the bad person. I was terrified of your family and friends because they all heard nothing but your side of the stories and so I must've seemed like a massively horrible and angry person who was constantly victimizing you and making your life miserable.
Screw that mom. That was crap and wrong of you.

Sorry for going off on this tangent.

I'm glad I'm able to look back on you so fondly.
We fought.
But when we didn't...we were best friends mom!
I loved being with you for the most part. And you were the best person I'll likely ever have in life to shop with. I LOVED going shopping with you! I didn't have to be afraid to be the child I am! haha...if I wanted to go look at hotwheel cars or action figures and be just like a child...I could do so. But not only could I with no judgment from you...but you'd often be every bit as childlike as I was! lmao...I LOOOOOVED how you and me were always searching for cute and fun Star Wars toys and stickers and stuff. So much fun!!

And you were pretty amazing mom. In all that you did. I'm in awe of everything you did! All the cooking, and the running me and dad around, and doing all the errands, and keeping up with all you and dad's bills, and doing all the paperwork for his respite job, keeping track of all our important dates like doctor appointments and such...plus you were always cooking dinners for get togethers for your church, and baking cakes and cupcakes for people around town, and doing crafts and projects, and calling people and being a shoulder for them to lean on and to vent with...
I mean my goodness mom! You were very overweight, you had a bum knee that caused you constant pain, you struggled with sleep...etc. etc. etc...and yet dang! You did SO much day in and day out!
I can't figure how you did it!!
And omg /cry...you were so willing to drop everything for me so often!
I didn't appreciate you nearly enough mom! You did SO freaking much for me!

I do know you know I loved you though. There could be no question. Just as I have zero question of your love for me.
We were so close!

I'm so happy that through all the ups and all the downs...I remember all the good times FAR more than the negatives. That instead of holding onto the resentment and bitterness...I feel a lot of admiration and fondness.

I am so lucky to have had you as a mom.

I love you mom.
I miss you so much.
Life will never be fixed. Life can never be the same. Nothing will ever be fully okay again.
But I'll be okay mom. I feel it. I feel I can move on in life.

And you know? I like to think that you're somewhere you belong right now. I have a hard time believing in heaven...but...I like to imagine you there. And it's a brighter, happier place because of it. If God exists, and heaven is indeed real...then God must me absolutely thrilled to have you.
And if heaven doesn't exist...well, you're still here with me in my mind and in my heart.
At any rate...you're freed of all your physical pains and struggles...and there's something so soothing to me about that thought. To be freed of your chronic pain you've had for something like 30'ish years. Omg! What a wonderful thing to be freed of!

I love you mom.
You loved me.
We were best friends in spite being worst enemies. There's something profound in that I think. We had to have deep love for each other to be able to maintain such a close friendship amongst so much bitterness and chaos.
I loved the good parts of our relationship.
I will never stop missing you as long as I'm alive.

But now I'm just rambling...and I feel like I could go on and on and on if I don't stop...so I'm going to stop now.

It's been 1 year mommy.
I like to think you're okay.
I like to think I will be too.

I love you. I love you, I Love You, I LOVE YOU!
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Last edited by psychopathetic; 05-17-18 at 01:04 AM..
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  #10  
Old 05-17-18, 09:47 PM
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Re: Hi Mom <3

Thank you mom.

And you know what? I'm not even sure why I all the sudden I wanted to come here and thank you...but something made me want to, so yeah...

Thank you.

(((Mom)))
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Old 06-27-18, 12:31 AM
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Re: Hi Mom <3

Well hey there Mom .

I don't even know what to say! I'm not exactly sure why I'm here visiting right now.

And I miss that. How we'd call each other just about everyday...nothing to really say to each other. Just a check in. Just to see how your day went, or how I'm feeling. Maybe talk about plans for the upcoming week.

I'd like to take you to dinner soon mom. Let's go to the Buffalo at the casino! I've not done that since you've passed!
Or how about El Sol? You could almost never pass that one down!
It'll be my treat .
Of course we can't do it now...it's 10 pm haha. But how about tomorrow?

And what do you think about my new friend mom? haha...isn't she awesome!? Omg you 2 would make such great friends!! You're just like each other. You're both very social, very talkative, caring...you both have the same sorts of humor.

Oh I miss you! She'd have loved you mom! You'd have loved her!!
Maybe it's a good thing lol. If you were still around...I wouldn't have the friend that I have now.
You'd totally steal her from me!!! haha

And oh man! She's got me doing all sorts of things that are out of character for me! But it's not like I feel pressured to do them...I actually actively WANT to do them with her! In fact I've started a list of free/cheap activities her and I can start doing this summer...I'm really pushing myself and getting myself out there with her!
And you might be jealous because you so often wanted me to do these sorts of things with you. Social events. Social gatherings. Like I've gone to a fair with her, social dinners with her, parties with her...and I've actively been talkative and social at these!
And we have all sorts of fun things lined up! I'm going to the 4th of July parade with her this year...and you know how I haven't been to that since I was a teen because it was just too many people!...And we're going to go to some indian dances, and street parties that you often loved going to...but always went alone because me and dad were complete social poops haha.
So yeah...you might be jealous. I'm doing all these social events you'd have loved to have done with me...but that I never did.

Only...I don't really think you'd be jealous at all!
You'd be thrilled! You'd be beaming ear to ear with a big grin on your face!! You'd likely even have watery eyes!
You'd be so happy for me! So thankful for my old lady friend for getting me out and getting me to start socializing more.
You'd have been proud of me.
And though I wouldn't show it, or word it...I sure would feel dang good knowing that you were proud of me. That you were so thrilled about this.

I love you mom.

Still hits me sometimes mom.
Couple nights last week I even had tears falling from my cheeks again. A real rare occasion with me over the past 20+ years.
It's so sharp still. The realization that you're no longer here. I can't just call you. I can't tell you what I want to tell you...just random small things...such as a sale they're having at a grocery store, or about something that's frustrating me.'
Nothing in life will ever be quite okay again without you mom. I'll carry on...life will move forward...but nothing can ever be at that level of 'okay' every again.
I miss that sense of security you provided me. Safety. A net to fall on when the rug would get pulled from underneath my feet...that shoulder to cry on...that secret keeper I could release to.
Damn I love you mom.
Damn I wish you were here right now.
Omg that made me choke up.

I miss you mom. But I'm doing okay right now in life. I'm really putting effort into taking some positive steps forward in my life. I feel so close mom! So close to feeling success once again!
But I am scared of falling flat on my face like I've done time and time again.
I have made a lot of change though. I do have some amazing support in life right now...some of the best support I've had. The kind of support that will fight for me and be strong for me when I need them, just as I'll absolutely fight for them and be strong for them.
I'm really in a very good position in life mom.
I just have to focus on taking things slow and not letting myself fall completely. Small falls and crashes are okay...and are actually needed...I just have to work on ways not to let those small falls turn into a big fall and a major crash.

And...I've been asking God for his guidance and help too. He sure has been amazing for me mom. I don't 100% believe in him...I wish. But enough about this topic which isn't (for very good reasons!) allowed on these forums.

Not sure what to say mom.
I was just coming to check in. I hope you're well. I look forward to lunch with you tomorrow :*(. I say that with tears in my eyes mom.
What I wouldn't give.
The pain is still so raw. 13 months and it still so...damn.
13...lol that was always your favorite number .

P.S.
I totally gave my new friend your talking/motion activated 4 foot tall Darth Vader figure. She was so happy about it and now wont shut up over how awesome he is! haha .
I knew how much you loved that toy! How bright your eyes lit up when you first saw him in the store! How there was NO stopping you from owning that huge figure lol.
And oh how dad hated it! How he wanted to just throw the darned thing away!!! What a damned grump!

And I know you'd be okay with me giving it to her. You'd be thrilled!!
She'll take good care of one of your favorite Star Wars toys you had mom. She'll love it the rest of her life.

...
Thank you mom for everything you are. For all that you have done. For always being there for me.

Holy heck do I miss you.

<3
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  #12  
Old 07-16-18, 10:37 PM
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Re: Hi Mom <3

Well hey there mom .
You sure are amazing. You sure are awesome.
I sure do miss you!

I'm not depressed in life right now mom...but at the same time, I'm really not doing so well at all.
As always...I know my 'unwellness' is because of bad choices I'm making. I'm no victim in anything...I do this to myself.
But I need help!! And I don't know who to turn to for help. Who can help though? I mean really? No one can force me into making the better choices I need to make to improve my situation.

I keep eating too much mom. And not just eating too much, but eating too much fast food. And I'm spending too much.
And I'm starting to slide backwards. I'm starting to isolate again.

Man mom! There for the past month or 2...I was taking strides in life! I wasn't on fire or anything, but I was in a very clear upward climb! And I love when I'm doing good like that.
Then I got paid a couple of weeks ago...and I'm not sure what all happened. I started to eat out just about everyday. I'm still eating out almost everyday...twice today. And I'm running out of cash FAST. I have almost no food in my apartment...and I do think I have just enough cash left over this month to get enough groceries to struggle through...but I HAVE to get to the store tomorrow or I'm afraid I'll just continue to waste it on fast food. Then I don't know what I'd do.
And my issues with noodles keeps getting worse and worse. It's very frustrating. I ate some noodles from pizza hut a couple of weeks ago, and man...it took me days before all the painful bloating and gas went away. I had mac and cheese yesterday...was miserable all night last night! Least that only lasted 1 night though.

...
Mom?
<3
Thank you for the shoulder. Thank you for being here to listen to me. To let me ramble to.
You are my favorite person in the world mom.
...

I'm already gathering trash around my apartment again mom. 2 of my counters in my kitchen...a pile growing next to my bed.
Nothing's changed.
I need help mom. People can say I'm just being lazy, or just want people to do all the work for me or whatever. They can say whatever they need...but dang it mom, how many times do I have to prove it to myself? I NEED help. I just can't do it alone. And I mean of COURSE I can do it on my own. There's nothing physically stopping me...and yet I just can't. And I don't have words for it.
I just can't keep up on my own! I'd LOVE to get to that point. And I'm not ready at all to quit and say I'll never be able to do it...cause I really think my future is bright mom...that I'll really start coming into my own as the months ahead pass. That I'll start to become more and more comfortable being responsible and dependent on myself. That I can absolutely learn these whole 'adult' things. Keeping a job, keeping myself clean, picking up my apartment...etc.
I'm really looking forward to the man I know I can become! I like the future I see coming my way.
But all in small steps. Ups and downs.
And right now I need help getting through. Getting there.
I think I'll call out for help in group tomorrow.

And poor Old Lady Granny mom . We were having so much fun! I looked forward to hanging with her all the time...then bam, I just stopped hanging with her . She's called. I just haven't awere

...
Holly goodness I'm tired mom! I keep dozing off here lol.

...
Ah well mom. 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Or even 2 steps forward,2 steps back once in awhile as needed.
I AM going to be okay you know?
My future looks bright.
I just gotta find the courage t forgive myself and to not self sabotage like I've done so many times in my past.
But things are going to turn around. I'm ready to take another step forward again.

...
I just need some sleep! It's such a wreck. I think it's what's making everything so difficult lately for me. I'm hitting chronic levels of exhaustion.

Oh well lol I can't keep doing this anymore. I keep passing out and falling asleep.

.......
I love you mom.
I'm not depressed in life right now.
I'm just so tired
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  #13  
Old 08-10-18, 06:56 PM
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Re: Hi Mom <3

Hi mom. Just thinking of you. Still. always.
Been nearly 15 months and still I weep .

Had the best 1 on 1 session I've had with my newish therapist yet today. We talked about when I was younger and about the fights we'd get into. How you'd start in on me and I'd react and we'd tear each other up. How when I'd try to leave...shut myself into my room or something...you'd come and chase me down to continue the fight. How you'd go on and on and on about it...till the point where I'd just explode.
I never did get physical with you...though lord knows I wanted to!
I sure did get physical with the poor house though! lol...I put many holes in the walls with my fists, and I took down 3 or 4 doors (was it more?). Mad I'd get so angry!
Then dad would come home and IMMEDIATELY...without asking any questions...take your side. And of course you'd be playing a total victim at that point going on and on about how horrible I was to you...so dad would get home and he too would start yelling at me about how horrible I was for being so disrespectful to you and ****.
Damn I hated dad for that mom. I was SO desperate for someone to ******* listen to me...to have my back...to understand that you and my fights weren't 100% my fault. I had NO problem owning up to the fact that yeah I was a ****...but man mom...you made everyone believe that you had nothing to do with the fights. You were just completely innocent and I had NO one who'd believe me!
I was the "bad" kid. And dad was a complete dick to me. He was always so furious with me...never upset with you though.

And yeah. I'm the one that got to take a lovely visit to a jail cell for 2 weeks while I waited for a spot in a boy's lockdown facility to open up in a town 4 or 5 hours away. I'm the one that had to do all the daily group and 1 on 1 therapy sessions during that time for nearly 1 1/2 years.
You?
You didn't do **** about your anger as far as I'm aware. No one even knew you had any anger issues besides me and my sister. We're the only ones who ever saw it from you. You were SO freaking good at playing a victim and convincing everyone that everything wrong was ALWAYS 100% other people's fault and you were completely 100% innocent.

It wasn't till I finally moved out of your house that we started to get along. THEN dad started to see your anger. I know this is wrong, but I use to get so much satisfaction sometimes when you'd dig into him viciously. You were damn near abusive to dad mom. And some of those times...I loved it! It was like sweet freaking revenge for all those years that he'd abandoned me and refused to listen to me about how you'd push me and prod me and go and on and on till I had no choice but to explode! I couldn't escape your wraths! lol you just wouldn't stop mom! You wouldn't let things go! You'd continue fighting LOOOOONG after I'd dropped it and moved on. You'd sit there just stewing on it and bringing it back up over and over. I'd get ****** off and go to my room. So you'd come pounding on my door and start going off. Open my door and just push it.
So when you'd do the same to dad...I relished it. I loved it. It's like he treated me like **** for trying to stand up to you...so now that he was getting a taste of it himself, I felt like he SO deserved it and I wanted to just laugh in his freaking face! :anger:

I don't know mom.
We sure did have our fights. Our relationship truly was VERY disfunctional...and we'd fight like this up till you passing. But dang it helped that I had my own apartment to get away to.
And I don't mean to say that our fights were all your fault either. Oh heck no! lol I'm a little **** to you...I knew just how to press all your buttons in all the wrong ways. That, and you were never able to handle being confronted or being told the hard truth...but damn, I couldn't hardly help myself. When you were being mean, I almost felt a NEED to confront you on it and to be honest with you...even though I was full aware that doing so would make you super upset and angry.
No, we both brought it out in each other.
I think the thing that upsetted me the most over the years though, is how you refused to own up to yourself...everything was always my fault 100%. I'm the one that needed to go away and get help. I'm the one your whole family and all your friends disliked because all they heard from you was how horrible of a person I was to you...while you were a complete angel to me all the time and had NO idea why I was going off on you and so angry.

Ah well mom.
We really were best friends despite it all. It's crazy to me that we'd had such a deeply dysfunctional relationship filled with tons of spite, resentments and anger...and yet through it all, we were still able to be such awesome friends in between those fights.

And dang I'm glad I remember you for all the fun and gentle times...instead of focusing on all the bad times.

I love you to bits mom. Damn I love you! I keep waiting for you to come home . Sometimes I get so angry because you wont come home! That you can't come home. I just want you to come home and for things to come back to normal. I want to go shopping with you. I want to take a trip with you! I want to go up to the mountains with you! To enjoy toys with you...haha we were such kids! Or to get excited about star wars with you! I just want to call you and check in with you. Damn I miss that mom! I want life back where I know I have someone behind me that would absolutely FIERCELY fight for me if anything started to fall apart for me and I needed someone to help support me.
You had such a way of making my life feel so much more secure. Solid. I knew I could always rely on you when the ground started to break up beneath my feet.

What's going to happen mom when I get sick someday in the future...and I don't have you there to comfort me?
/cry...I don't even want to think about it. I mean...I'll get through it alone...but damn. How sad. I just don't even want to think about it! Makes me want to cry

...
We sure had our fights mom!
But despite it all, there's absolutely zero question about the love we had for each other.
You were my best friend in life mom.
I wish you'd come home .
I love you mom.
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