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  #46  
Old 04-19-18, 07:38 PM
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Re: She left

Hugs Sarah there's nothing I can say to ease the awful feeling in the pit of your stomach and the feeling that the world has come to an end. It's such a hard age. You will get though it all in time but right now it's impossible to see your way clear. Hugs
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Old 04-19-18, 08:52 PM
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Re: She left

(((Sarahsweets)))
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Old 04-19-18, 10:58 PM
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Re: She left

A
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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Youre right. Family therapy is really helping with that. Honestly, if she showed up on the doorstep tomorrow we are not sure we would just let her back in without certain aconditions being met one of which would be a drug test treatment if necessary.......
I agree with caco. Do let her in. Unconditionally. Even if she's doing drugs it's better if she's living at home.

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  #49  
Old 04-27-18, 08:14 AM
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Re: She left

She showed up on Friday unexpectedly after my surgery. She didnt know I was having surgery. She knocked on the door at 8am of all times when mark was trying to hook my bra cause I cant move my hand. She said "things didnt go the way she had planned". I told her I dont know how they could have gone any other way. She started to tell us that it wasnt us, that her friends were helping her. She didnt indicate she wanted to come home. It was like she was feeling things out. I was stoic, no tears no anger. Mark told her that she doesnt understand the pain she has caused so many people. I told her if she was serious about reestablishing contact then she could meet us at family therapy. She showed me she had a new phone..(I forgot to add that her old one ended up in our mailbox with a "have a blessed day" text". She had called from the new phone but it was a philadelphia number so I didnt answer. I admit, when I heard the friend had dropped off her phone I said :she can take my blessed day and shove it up her ***") Her "new " phone is borrowed, she is not paying for it. She said she starts a new job this past Sat so she would let us know her schedule for therapy. She said she is working at Shop Rite but not the one by our house which I have a hard time believing.

The very brief mention of what would happen if she came home was when I said I would want a drug test. She said she didnt understand why people thought she was using drugs and we said her behavior was so out of character and sorts that it seemed like a possibility.
She said she will graduate because she is in talks with the vp. But that same morning she never went back to school because I got the auto call. She wasnt in school yesterday cause I got the call.
I dont know how you graduate without going to school.
We asked about her meds, she said she was fine(I know they are running out). She says she is able to get therapy from her friends.

If I had to guess why she came by...she thought I would be alone, didnt know her Dad would be here and was hoping for the usually emotional pleading Sarah..which I wouldnt give her. We told her that it was time to leave and when my husband hugged her he broke down. She has broken my husband, he cried like Ive never seen. She had tears in her eyes as she left. Family Therapy was Tuesday at 7. She was a no show. Her Dad texted her at the new number telling her about it and she never answered. We didnt tell the kids she came over until closer to therapy so as not to ambush them. I think Ella took it hardest.She is angry but secretly thought she would show but she didnt. I knew she wouldnt. She was testing the waters for what I dont know but she never made contact again.

So there we are. My daughter is doing whatever she wants cause there are no rules where she is staying and we have to grieve her loss and wonder each day "is today the day she shows up?" "Is today the day we see her in public"Her Dad begged her to graduate-everything else aside.

What a way to recuperate. This is one handed typing so forgive any errors.

-sweets
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  #50  
Old 04-27-18, 10:54 AM
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Re: She left

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
So there we are. My daughter is doing whatever she wants cause there are no rules where she is staying and we have to grieve her loss and wonder each day "is today the day she shows up?" "Is today the day we see her in public"Her Dad begged her to graduate-everything else aside.

What a way to recuperate. This is one handed typing so forgive any errors.

-sweets
You're being too hard on yourself. Give yourself some credit!

Your daughter has the right to do whatever she wants, but someday her actions are going to catch up to her. She has no money, no job, etc, and eventually her goodwill with her friends will be drained and she'll likely have to return home.

When that happens, I'd suggest offering her a face saving way for her to accept your help, while still making clear what the rules/boundaries are going forward. As far as I can tell from your posts, your expectations and boundaries for her are reasonable. Ultimately, only your daughter can make the decision to seek help/reconciliation with you. All you can do is to be the stable, responsible parent who is there for her once she is mature enough to seek help.
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  #51  
Old 05-09-18, 05:36 AM
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Re: She left

So she texted my husband last week from her "new" phone (given to her and paid for her by someone in that friend's group" "
"Hey Dad I love you. How are you? I hope to see you someday in the future."
We discussed this with the therapist and decided he would respond:
" Hi Becca, I miss you too. I think the best way for us to talk would be at family therapy. Its scheduled for Wed at 7pm. Hope we see you there". She said she would try. (she was a no-show for last week's therapy).
Then last Friday: " Dad can I was hoping to see you and Ella alone first". We have learned to hit our internal pause button first. So yesterday after talking we decided on this" Becca, I think the best thing is for us to talk in the therapist's office on neutral ground.This way we all get a chance to have a voice. Why cant mom come talk with us too? I hope to see you at therapy on wed nite".

she said:
"I work Wed. I dont want the first time I see you and Ella to be in a therapist office. I would like to feel in control of the situation so I would like to meet at a time and place of my choice. I dont want to be bombarded with everything all at once so I would like to see only you two for now and then I can work up to seeing everyone else. I would like to feel safe and like Im not going to be yelled at so I would like to do this my own way. I do love and miss you guys but I want to feel secure with the way I go about this".

She showed up at the house once already and wasnt yelled at. When I saw her at school I didnt yell. She knows I will not let her hurt her sister and take any crap so of course she doesnt want to see me. I have to protect Ella from her, Ella hasnt been doing so well and the meeting at the school was enough. She is manipulating my husband because she was Daddy's girl and knows alone she can get to him. Plus, after seeing me so dead calm when she came over she knows that I wont let her emotionally black mail me.
Her sister had a point.. she wanted to be independent and on her own so she moved into another house with another family where she doesnt have to pay anyone or have bills and lives for free. There just arent any rules at the new family's house. So she isnt on her own at all.
I do not know what to think. Her arrangement cant last forever can it? I dont think she is going to graduate because she isnt going to school.
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  #52  
Old 05-09-18, 07:01 AM
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Re: She left

I wonder if a therapists office might be too confronting. More than one person at a time might be too confronting. Even now with my kids having left home if something needs to be sorted out only one of us can do it. Dealing with both of us is too much. We take it in turns depending on the issue. But it's usually me talking to my son and my husband talking to my daughter. She and I do talk but when she's irrational he's the best person for the job. And with our son he responds better to me. With our daughter it can generally be sorted out by text and with our son it usually involves walking and talking coz he can process that easier.

Just my thoughts...
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  #53  
Old 05-09-18, 07:51 AM
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Re: She left

Tudorrose- Thanks for responding and I can appreciate that. If I hadnt seen how it wrecked her sister and how broken my husband is I would go for it but its been a month now that shes cut all ties to the family and doesnt seem to care about who it hurts. Until this other dysfunctional family gets sick of her it seems like our lives are on halt.
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Old 05-09-18, 10:02 AM
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Re: She left

I think she's being ridiculous. Sometimes the best way to de-escalate drama is to simply not put up with it. If she can't even be in the same room with you for a professional family therapy session, then how can she handle actually living with you?

The only minor compromise I would make would be to give her the option of attending the first half of the family therapy session by herself, so that she can give the therapist her side of the story. Afterwards, she can decide to leave, or she can stay. If she stays, then both you and your husband will be there. If she doesn't attend further family sessions, then she is making the decision to remain alienated from further family contact.

Don't let her sap your energy. Don't let her keep manipulating and dividing your family. As far as I can tell, you're not an evil mother. If Becca thinks you're evil, then why is she even contemplating returning home? So clearly, she does not think you're evil. Thus, Becca should be willing to at least allow you to be present during the family therapy session.

I'm not even a part of your family, and this Becca drama is driving me nuts! I can't begin to imagine how this must have impacted you. You're allowed to have your own physical and mental health needs. Sure, sometimes we all need to compromise a bit, but ultimately if it doesn't feel right deep inside, then just put your foot down.
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Old 05-10-18, 05:04 AM
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Re: She left

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I think she's being ridiculous. Sometimes the best way to de-escalate drama is to simply not put up with it. If she can't even be in the same room with you for a professional family therapy session, then how can she handle actually living with you?
Exactly and we are not putting up with it. The therapist has been amazing. When she texted her dad the first time we got in though with the therapist (alexa) and she said rule #1 was not to answer her right away- wait a day and talk about what to say first- and try and see her motivation. In this case-last night in therapy- we all came to the conclusion that she was striking the weakest link- my husband and her sister. Not that my husband is weak but she knows she is hurting him so much and that he is most likely to bend if we didnt have the support of the therapist. She isnt contacting me because she saw I was beyond cool as a cucumber and that I was seeing through her.


Quote:
The only minor compromise I would make would be to give her the option of attending the first half of the family therapy session by herself, so that she can give the therapist her side of the story. Afterwards, she can decide to leave, or she can stay. If she stays, then both you and your husband will be there. If she doesn't attend further family sessions, then she is making the decision to remain alienated from further family contact.
She knows this is her option as she saw the therapist we see twice on her own before blowing off her life. We chose this therapist because she had seen her before and she is great and I am glad we see her now.

Quote:
Don't let her sap your energy. Don't let her keep manipulating and dividing your family. As far as I can tell, you're not an evil mother. If Becca thinks you're evil, then why is she even contemplating returning home? So clearly, she does not think you're evil. Thus, Becca should be willing to at least allow you to be present during the family therapy session.
I have gotten to the point where I feel anger- but healthy anger. Not the yelling resentful kind but the kind where I wont take any crap. I am in it for the long haul. Last night we were trying to figure out what her motivation was for contacting and wanting to see just her dad and sister. We came to the conclusion that she knew how the last meeting with the sister F'd her sister up. She wants something but I dont think its because she wants to come home. Our theory is she wants to strike out at us and get a reaction- one that we havent given her before. I think she expected more drama than there is. We took the car back and I went to the school and that was it. We have left her alone and in a way we think that makes her mad- maybe sad but that the need to hurt us is still there.
We wondered last night if she needed something from the house- more of her stuff or something important. We changed the lock combo so because she already broke in once before we did that and we cant trust her.

Quote:
I'm not even a part of your family, and this Becca drama is driving me nuts! I can't begin to imagine how this must have impacted you. You're allowed to have your own physical and mental health needs. Sure, sometimes we all need to compromise a bit, but ultimately if it doesn't feel right deep inside, then just put your foot down.
I wish this made sense. She was a good kid, had overcome some mental health issues and was a straight A student. She had a good job and right before she left we went prom dress shopping. It hit us like a ton of bricks when she took off and she knows its killing us. How I would be satisfied if I could just go over where she is staying and let her have it...but it wouldnt change anything and it would give her satisfaction to know she has interrupted our Chi this much.

What we learned in Eureka fashion last night was that we missed and overlooked signs.. she has always been dishonest but it was more like stretching the truth rather than destroying it. She has always had to have all the attention and the more negative the better. Her sister got to share with us that she felt like we didnt see her side of it or the truth earlier and that she knew her in a more intimate way then us- I apologized for not giving Ella ( the sister) more attention and not responding in a way that was more proactive. I guess I figured because we are so pro-mental health and got her help through inpatient treatment and doctors etc that we were doing all the right things. We just didnt realize that she was running the family and that Ella was hanging by a thread. I am devastated inside over this and we worked on hearing Ella last night and making amends the best we could. Our new tradition is what I call "therapy water ice". We go get water ice at the local creamery when we get done.

What kills us, our family and anyone who hears the story is how good she had it, we never hit our kids, and we didnt even ground them-we took stuff away when the time called for it and they were always respectful. She had it awesome here. All her friends thought she had really good parents and used to tell her she was lucky. She had gotten to a point where we had thought we had turned the corner and then everything blew up. She fooled me that's for sure.
Do I think she needs help and her medication? Yes. But she chose this and she knows how close of a family we are and she is still doing it. She is acting selfish and entitled and I am done feeling bad about missing something or like I did something wrong. What I did was let her overshadow the needs of her sister and she needs us and our protection now.
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