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  #16  
Old 04-20-18, 12:23 AM
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Re: i've spent more of my adult life unstable than stable at this point

Hey Peri

I can so relate to losing large chunks of your life.

I should have spent more time with my Dad before he died but I just couldn't. I couldn't fight through the depression to be able to. I should have done a lot of things but I didnt. I tried to fight it by physically running myself into the ground.

Then I was dx with fibro a few years after he died and that depression was replaced with debilitating anxiety, the latest episode going on for 6 months to date..

It wasn't til DH had a panic episode this week that I realised I had no advice for him because everything I've tried has not worked and I've just come to accept that this sense of impending doom is just business as usual.

I'm off all meds due to fibro too. That brings another set of challenges.

I keep trying to settle. I get moments. I got a puppy and I love how he just lives in the moment. Everything is wonderful in his eyes. I want to be more like that!

I'm also making a lot of changes and am hoping these may remove some of my triggers but the process of change is hard. I feel like a work in progress where everything need fixing all at once so am trying to get small wins.

And every now and then I might find myself feeling happy so I treasure those moments and hope they will come more often. I just have to keep believing that I will eventually get it. In the meantime I'm still trying. There is progress but its like pulling teeth at times!

Just wanted to say you're not alone. Keep hanging in there
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  #17  
Old 04-20-18, 01:59 PM
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Re: i've spent more of my adult life unstable than stable at this point

thanks for posting, tudor...i appreciate the well wishes. i'm sorry you struggle, too. i hope there's peace for both of us at some point. even now, when my symptoms are largely under control, i can't help but feel like it's not real. that the meds are just sugar pills i'm taking of a sort.

today, i feel fine. and i'm struggling to take all of these meds for something i've never been convinced i actually have.

why did you go off your fibro meds? side effects? inefficacy?

best wishes to you and i'm so glad to see you around again. i have a small girl now. she's three. there're photos of her on my profile. xx
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Old 04-20-18, 02:41 PM
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Re: i've spent more of my adult life unstable than stable at this point

Tudorose. Welcome back. It's good to see you!!
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Old 04-20-18, 02:56 PM
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Re: i've spent more of my adult life unstable than stable at this point

I've been wanting to post but I'm not sure if my story is relevant here. Except that I can relate to spending a large part of my life mentally ill...or just very miserable. I was severely depressed from 2005 - 2012. 2012 - 2015 I still spent the majority of time in depression but there were moments of light as well. I started anti depressants in 2012 so I tend to think of that year as the year when I started improving. Before that I had episodes of depression too. The earliest I can clearly remember was when I was 15 even though I didn't realise back then what it was.

Anyway, there's nothing from my mid twenties to mid thirties that is worth remembering. Except the holidays we went on. Those were amazing. Otherwise it's just written off time. Time I spent punishing myself. I still think that maybe a decade is a fair price to pay for the things I did wrong so I don't really regret it.

Anyway depression became a way of life and at some point I couldn't imagine feeling or being any other way. I'm still always teetjering on the edge of depression so when I feel fine it seems odd. Very temporary. It doesn't feel like my default state. My default state is depression.
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  #20  
Old 04-20-18, 03:10 PM
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Re: i've spent more of my adult life unstable than stable at this point

i think your experience is totally relevant, fuzzy. i do relate to when you say you couldn't imagine feeling or being any other way.

i find myself now feeling that it's so weird that i'm stable that there must be more to it. maybe i'm finally "better", you know? like, i feel SO different that i can't help but wonder if i've either been cured or if maybe i was misdiagnosed in the first place. or maybe people can go into complete remission and that was just a part of my life in my twenties and thirties. and last year. and some this year.

my point is that i feel so different and i can't ever remember feeling this lucid without intrusive thoughts. and i've been on a tonne of meds, so i just don't think it's the medication that's doing it. something maybe changed inside me.
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  #21  
Old 04-20-18, 03:27 PM
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Re: i've spent more of my adult life unstable than stable at this point

For me, I've lost literally years to my obsesiveness (OCD) and depression, I know it's not the same as what you're going through, peri, and not sure if it's relevant but wanted to say it so you feel less alone
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  #22  
Old 04-20-18, 07:18 PM
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Re: i've spent more of my adult life unstable than stable at this point

Thank you, star xx
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  #23  
Old 04-20-18, 07:48 PM
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Re: i've spent more of my adult life unstable than stable at this point

if it helps i lost about 3-4 years in prison, for drug use and other impulsive behavior that was driven by mental illness
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Old 04-20-18, 07:50 PM
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Re: i've spent more of my adult life unstable than stable at this point

they just send us men off to prison

they say itll fix us right up

didnt work
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Old 04-20-18, 11:28 PM
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Re: i've spent more of my adult life unstable than stable at this point

i have thoughts on prison but that would be discussing restricted topics.

i'm sorry you didn't get treatment and instead were incarcerated.

i had good lawyers. but i also had to do court ordered injections. it's not the same, but there're plenty of women in prison with mental illness. trust me, i used to take orwell to visit them in SF jail.
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Old 04-20-18, 11:46 PM
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Re: i've spent more of my adult life unstable than stable at this point

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why did you go off your fibro meds? side effects? inefficacy?

best wishes to you and i'm so glad to see you around again. i have a small girl now. she's three. there're photos of her on my profile. xx
I had to go off all meds. So dexamphetamine, antidepressants and even the pill. I went back on the pill in May last year as a 21 day cycle was making me suicidal but I've just (last week) had to go off it again coz my body seems confused and it made everything irregular. TBH I'm scared of how things will go in that regard!

Your baby girl is sooo cute! Congratulations!!
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Old 04-21-18, 04:33 AM
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Re: i've spent more of my adult life unstable than stable at this point

Just realised I didn't answer your question. Had to go off all meds coz it was making the fibro worse. In the past I'd always chosen mental health over physical health but this time I didn't have a choice coz I couldn't live in that state.
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Old 04-21-18, 11:25 AM
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Re: i've spent more of my adult life unstable than stable at this point

Quote:
Originally Posted by tudorose View Post
I had to go off all meds. So dexamphetamine, antidepressants and even the pill. I went back on the pill in May last year as a 21 day cycle was making me suicidal but I've just (last week) had to go off it again coz my body seems confused and it made everything irregular. TBH I'm scared of how things will go in that regard!

Your baby girl is sooo cute! Congratulations!!
Quote:
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Just realised I didn't answer your question. Had to go off all meds coz it was making the fibro worse. In the past I'd always chosen mental health over physical health but this time I didn't have a choice coz I couldn't live in that state.
I had a 23 day cycle from the age of 9 to the age of 49, with PMS/PDD. That
contributed to my suicide thoughts.

Those were the days when the fibro was really bad, I wasn't taking any meds
back then. Ugh, can't imagine having to choose between meds that help most
stuff but make the fibro worse.

Less stress made my fibro better, also taking Omega 3 and Vitamin D3 helps.
Not gone, but better.
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  #29  
Old 04-21-18, 03:59 PM
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Re: i've spent more of my adult life unstable than stable at this point

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Originally Posted by tudorose View Post
Just realised I didn't answer your question. Had to go off all meds coz it was making the fibro worse. In the past I'd always chosen mental health over physical health but this time I didn't have a choice coz I couldn't live in that state.
that super sucks...sorry to hear it.

it's interesting that you say you've always chosen mental health over physical health. on some level, maybe that's where i'm going wrong. i'm continually choosing what i believe is my physical health, but when my mental health deteriorates i do horrible things to my body, so i'm really not prioritising anything...
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Old 04-21-18, 07:21 PM
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Re: i've spent more of my adult life unstable than stable at this point

[quote=peripatetic;1992587
it's interesting that you say you've always chosen mental health over physical health. on some level, maybe that's where i'm going wrong. i'm continually choosing what i believe is my physical health, but when my mental health deteriorates i do horrible things to my body, so i'm really not prioritising anything...[/QUOTE]

It's an impossible choice really... I've had to change a lot of stuff. Especially diet. I had to get all the toxins out of the house so all the cleaning products changed and change my diet and do more exercise but in the right way.

I've taken to making a lot of stuff from scratch like bone broth and pork lard. Switched to organic or free range meat. Cut out / down wheat and sugar and dairy (mostly).

It's a work in progress.
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