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Old 11-09-17, 01:56 PM
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I'm so triggered by everything

Everything seems to trigger my suspicion and I don't know what's normal or not. Figured I might as well start a thread so I can see what other people think is normal. I feel like I might have a lot of questions.

Is it a red flag when a guy seems to be trying to impress you with the money he makes, or is that normal? I may have let a little bit of my crazy show, because that stuff ****** me off a little, and I think I made it clear that doesn't impress me, but he didn't seem bothered by it and otherwise seems humble about it.

Also, when I hear things like "business owner" and "lots of traveling for business", I immediately think of being gone all the time, a work-a-holic, never making time for family, etc. And due to my history, this is a huge trigger for me. I know that it's not that way with all men who travel for business, though, so I'm trying to keep an open mind. He works from home when he's not traveling, takes his kids with him when he travels and seems to do a lot with them. He says he works hard, but plays harder. Judging by his pictures, I tend to believe it. When he asked what I was looking for and I told him, he said it was the same for him, but he could be lying of course. I don't get the impression he is, though.

I just feel like everything is a trigger or a red flag for me. How do I know what the real red flags are? I can't even trust my own suspicious mind and I'm afraid that will drive people away. I haven't scared him away yet, though, and said I needed someone patient and he said he is and everyone has issues. Are these good signs, bad signs....?

Last edited by WhiteOwl; 11-09-17 at 02:12 PM..
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Old 11-09-17, 02:19 PM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

I'd be wondering whether "travels a lot for business" means he's actually still
married and is just looking for a mistress.

I never knew anyone with a lot of money so I don't know about that one.
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Old 11-09-17, 02:44 PM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lunacie View Post
I'd be wondering whether "travels a lot for business" means he's actually still
married and is just looking for a mistress.

I never knew anyone with a lot of money so I don't know about that one.
God, I hadn't thought of that, I'm so na´ve! Well, he said he just moved here from VA and that his boys still live in VA (I'm assuming with their mom) and his girls are with him full time. I'm not sure why this arrangement, but whatever. The trip he just took was supposedly to Vegas. He said I should go with them "someday" and I was like "Whoa buddy! Someday is not going to be any day soon, I don't even know you yet." But why would he say that if he was with someone else? I'm just so confused. Maybe I wasn't ready for this yet.

Maybe I need to go full psycho and hire a detective.
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Old 11-09-17, 02:51 PM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

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Originally Posted by WhiteOwl View Post
God, I hadn't thought of that, I'm so na´ve! Well, he said he just moved here from VA and that his boys still live in VA (I'm assuming with their mom) and his girls are with him full time. I'm not sure why this arrangement, but whatever. The trip he just took was supposedly to Vegas. He said I should go with them "someday" and I was like "Whoa buddy! Someday is not going to be any day soon, I don't even know you yet." But why would he say that if he was with someone else? I'm just so confused. Maybe I wasn't ready for this yet.

Maybe I need to go full psycho and hire a detective.
OK, I think Lunacie is really on to something here, this does sound a bit fishy! Also the fact that he's already saying you should go with him to Vegas sounds creepy!
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Old 11-09-17, 04:19 PM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

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Originally Posted by OyVeyKitty View Post
OK, I think Lunacie is really on to something here, this does sound a bit fishy! Also the fact that he's already saying you should go with him to Vegas sounds creepy!
yeah, what a come on
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Old 11-09-17, 02:25 PM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

Without actually seeing/hearing the conversation as it happened it's difficult to say whether it is a red flag or not. However, in my experience if my instincts are telling me something isn't right, that's probably true. I have tried to ignore the feeling several times and all of them ended badly.

That said, you said you need someone patient and he said he is patient, which is great. That means that you can take your time to find out if you want and just call them "orange flags" for now. Keep them in mind but keep talking to him and if more of them pop up, keep posting here to get some outside perspective maybe?

Just know that you never need an excuse or reason to stop talking to him. The only reason you need is that you no longer want to!

Edit: Lunacie brought up a very good point! Definitely keep that in mind as well if his "traveling for business" feels shady in any way.

Last edited by OyVeyKitty; 11-09-17 at 02:32 PM.. Reason: Added thingie.
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Old 11-09-17, 03:05 PM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

Thank you, I'm glad I asked. *Sigh* Maybe I should go back to plan A, just not look for anyone. He's the only person I've wanted to talk to on there and if it turns out to just be a scam, I don't think I can take more pain. I think I just don't understand guys, either.
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Old 11-10-17, 01:36 AM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

So I read through the whole thread and realized it went really badly for you and maybe this post seems very insensitive. I'm going to leave it here anyway just disregard if you want, some of it is probably inaccurate, some of it may be accurate.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhiteOwl View Post
Thank you, I'm glad I asked. *Sigh* Maybe I should go back to plan A, just not look for anyone. He's the only person I've wanted to talk to on there and if it turns out to just be a scam, I don't think I can take more pain. I think I just don't understand guys, either.
Don't look for "high quality guys" who have all those fancy stats. It's funny how the one thing you said you would not do, how you said before "how can folks be so shallow" appears to almost be in line with what you are doing, unless I judge too quickly. (It's a real possibility, I may be off here, admittedly)

But some guy who says he makes a lot of money and travels a lot and this and that. That's exactly the same thing I said was wrong about these sites to begin with. You have one guy out of 100 or so who's like this and that's the same kind of guy hoarding all the attention from others.

It may also be possible these "high quality guys" are also high quality charades and cons and have no guilt whatsoever about it. "More is better" for them, damn the niggling details of money, business, traveling around as an important person.

I suggested before you look at the more modest guys, not saying they are all going to be just as nice as they look (some are, some aren't) but these guys are definitely not looking for another mistress or three on the side. That's the paradigm that ruins online dating for everyone. And most of these modest guys are probably not making up too much stuff or lying egregiously, they actually have a sense of guilt.

Oh and before I forget, that "algae at the bottom of the pool" these are the jerks who want another mistress to complement the marriage they're hiding from you, that's algae to me. Hopefully it is not implied that "algae" equates to underachievers or men who have actual struggles in life, just like many guys here, and would like some chance nonetheless.
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Old 11-10-17, 01:45 AM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

Quote:
Originally Posted by Batman55 View Post
Don't look for "high quality guys" who have all those fancy stats. It's funny how the one thing you said you would not do, how you said before "how can folks be so shallow" appears to almost be in line with what you are doing, unless I judge too quickly. (It's a real possibility, I may be off here, admittedly)

But some guy who says he makes a lot of money and travels a lot and this and that. That's exactly the same thing I said was wrong about these sites to begin with. You have one guy out of 100 or so who's like this and that's the same kind of guy hoarding all the attention from others.

It may also be possible these "high quality guys" are also high quality charades and cons and have no guilt whatsoever about it. "More is better" for them, damn the niggling details of money, business, traveling around as an important person.

I suggested before you look at the more modest guys, not saying they are all going to be just as nice as they look (some are, some aren't) but these guys are definitely not looking for another mistress or three on the side. That's the paradigm that ruins online dating for everyone. And these modest guys are probably not making up too much stuff or lying egregiously, they actually have a sense of guilt.
He messaged me, I looked at his profile and saw that he has some of the same interests as I do and seems to enjoy spending time with his kids. I thought he looked like a decent person. THAT is why I messaged him back. I had no clue how much money he makes until AFTER I messaged him back and we started talking. And then I got mad that he seemed like he was showing off and THAT was red flag #1 and I should have heeded it.

I wasn't looking for anything fancy or high quality, just someone who wanted to know me. He did look like a modest down to earth person in his pics. While I thought he was good looking, I don't even think he would be described as "handsome" by most women and probably doesn't get a ton of attention.

So, basically I was trying to do what you said and it backfired big time.
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Old 11-10-17, 01:51 AM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

I guess that's the one thing women can get out of this thread. You can't even trust the innocent looking ones and don't ignore your gut feeling.
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Old 11-11-17, 08:29 PM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

Wow...such assumptions!


Quote:
Don't look for "high quality guys" who have all those fancy stats. It's funny how the one thing you said you would not do, how you said before "how can folks be so shallow" appears to almost be in line with what you are doing, unless I judge too quickly. (It's a real possibility, I may be off here, admittedly)
The OP did not go out looking for a "high quality guy" (what is that anyway) the guy that messaged her said he traveled and made money but thats not something she found out right off the bat.
Quote:
But some guy who says he makes a lot of money and travels a lot and this and that. That's exactly the same thing I said was wrong about these sites to begin with. You have one guy out of 100 or so who's like this and that's the same kind of guy hoarding all the attention from others.
That seems to be your experience and your agenda. That doesnt make it a fact. And it paints women with the same old familiar brush as materialistic little darlings who want to be kept women.

Quote:
I suggested before you look at the more modest guys, not saying they are all going to be just as nice as they look (some are, some aren't) but these guys are definitely not looking for another mistress or three on the side. That's the paradigm that ruins online dating for everyone. And most of these modest guys are probably not making up too much stuff or lying egregiously, they actually have a sense of guilt.
You are not a woman and you dont know what its like. We are always prey. Even when we are in control a predator will see us as prey. These types of "modest" guys would love to have multiple girlfriends or mistresses because its not about being modest, its about being a predator.
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Old 11-11-17, 09:48 PM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

OMG, I'm FREAKING OUT right now!!! This creep created another account and just sent me a message. I got immediately suspicious because of his wording and when I looked at his profile, he changed his picture to one where he's wearing sunglasses, but has the same name and ALL the same specifications. Business owner, similar username, same age, same height. Every single thing is the same! Why am I being stalked by this guy???!!! I'm scared! And to think, he almost had my phone number!
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Old 11-11-17, 09:55 PM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

I blocked him and reported him to the site, but my skin is just crawling. Literally the first person I talk to after creating my account and they start stalking me?! I know I have bad luck, but this is beyond ridiculous! I've never heard of this!
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Old 11-12-17, 01:50 AM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

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You are not a woman and you dont know what its like. We are always prey. Even when we are in control a predator will see us as prey. These types of "modest" guys would love to have multiple girlfriends or mistresses because its not about being modest, its about being a predator.
Yes, I admit making too many assumptions.

It depends on your definition of modest, I guess. I based mine on some arbitrary descriptions which I thought described a "good" kind of modesty but in the end I probably don't know what I'm talking about.

All I can say for sure is, I know there is no way *I* could manipulate someone into something or use egregious lies to get whatever it is I'm looking for. These things are not in my capacity, and my understanding of many (perhaps not all) other socially awkward guys is that there IS a lot of affective empathy, even if there is sometimes a lot of frustration. That's what I was trying to get across in maybe a very ham-fisted way.

Perhaps these predators you're talking about could look or act modest. I don't see an "awkward" or "socially clueless" guy being like that but maybe such a thing does exist. Although that's not my impression of these types from what I've seen and personal experience. Sorry if I overreached.
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Old 11-12-17, 02:03 AM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

From this guys' picture, he looks very down to earth, just an average person. I don't know if he necessarily looks socially awkward or clueless, but what I thought was just awkwardness in his messages, I now realize it was something else. I actually don't think he's awkward or clueless. I think he's nothing short of a psychopath and I feel bad for his kids, if he really does have kids. I feel bad for any woman he's ever been with or ever will be with (shudder). No, he's not "modest" or "awkward", he's crazy. Anyone who takes the time to create multiple accounts to harass a single mother that has enough problems to deal with, is either crazy or a jerk, or just a crazy jerk. I know you're not capable of that type of stuff, Batman, and I agree with your assessment of other socially awkward guys.

I also got a few semi-harassing messages from another guy and blocked him. I just don't get it? What did I do?

Last edited by WhiteOwl; 11-12-17 at 02:24 AM..
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