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  #91  
Old 11-15-17, 09:05 PM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

He deleted his account! I'm at such a loss. I just can't do this anymore. How does anyone ever have anything good to say about dating sites?
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  #92  
Old 11-16-17, 12:42 AM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

And creepy creepo popped up again with another account. He didn't message me (yet), I just saw him in my "matches". Not even trying to disguise himself this time. I reported him again. At this point, all I can do is at this whole situation. Dating sites really are cesspools.
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  #93  
Old 11-16-17, 02:01 AM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

I used OKCupid, and of course, I'm sure the experience is different for men than it is for women, just as it is on most any site. I went on a few dates, but nothing lasted more than a couple of months (knew that going in).

Years and years ago I tried eHarmony and it certainly tried to match me with what seemed like a number of interesting people. They were almost always either a nurse or a massage therapist, and in the end, nothing came of it.


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  #94  
Old 11-16-17, 02:29 AM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

I did read somewhere that women have better luck when they message someone they're interested in, rather than just replying to messages they get. I think I will message a couple people and see how that goes. When I work up the nerve, that is.
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  #95  
Old 11-16-17, 07:09 AM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

I'm sorry that guy ghosted you, WhiteOwl! That's such an awful experience. It almost never has anything to do with you when it happens like that, so keep that in mind. And I hope the creep stays away!!

I think you're right that contacting people who seem interesting is definitely better. In fact, now that I think about it, every good relationship I've ever had in my adult life has been because I have initiated contact. Every single creep I have run into has contacted me first. Of course, lots of good people have contacted me too, but we didn't click. It's like being at the candy store and asking the person behind the counter to point to a random piece of candy and asking "do you like this one?" until they get to the one you want, when you can just tell them which one you want. I probably shouldn't be writing dating analogies when I just woke up...

So, here's a half-baked theory. Actually, since I just woke up it really hasn't even been put in the oven yet, but here, have a taste anyway: I tend to have good chemistry with people who are very non-aggressive. These people are sometimes too timid to initiate contact with others a lot, which is a double bonus for me. First, I know they are less likely to be predatory and second, they don't get contacted by other women very often so I stand out. In fact, the last person I dated told me she had complained to her friend about how no women ever contact her just a few days before I did. (This is true when talking to men too, though.)

I'm not sure whether this will help at all, but here's what I look for in a profile before I contact someone and so far it has worked really well. Mind you these are just things I look for and you may need to remove or add some things:
  • Seems to be a genuine animal lover.
    Not all animal lovers are great people, of course, but in my experience it greatly increases the chances of them being a genuinely good person.
  • Doesn't come off as confrontational or aggressive in their profile.
    If you get even a hint of a 50 Shades of Gray vibe from it, just don't... They will turn out to be abusers. I think you figured this one out already though, since you knew creepy guy showing off his money was a red flag.
  • If they are a gamer or have other nerdy hobbies,
    that's a major bonus. This one is probably more personal, but I always end up enjoying their company even though I'm not a gamer myself. I'll admit to being a nerd though. Also I'm a total backseat gamer, I love watching others play and try to help! I'm too old for wild parties and I don't enjoy lots of running around everywhere. I find nerdy types tend to want to Netflix and chill on the couch with a bottle of wine on a Friday. Best Friday nights ever!
  • Their profile is long enough to give me a good sense of who they are,
    but not too long to read. (Thanks ADD, for helping me weed out the long-winded ones!) This tends to show how effective they are at communicating and how well they really know themselves.
So those are the main things. If they give me the right kind of vibe I will contact them. It may end up being only one in 20 or more people whose profile I visit, but so far everyone except one person I have ever contacted has responded and I have gotten a couple relationships out of it and many people I talk to as friends. I'm also friends with exes who had profiles matching the above, because they turned out to be good communicators and could handle conflict and breakups maturely.

Sorry for my fresh out of bed rambles, I hope there was something useful in this message at least!
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  #96  
Old 11-16-17, 10:23 AM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

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Originally Posted by OyVeyKitty View Post
I'm sorry that guy ghosted you, WhiteOwl! That's such an awful experience. It almost never has anything to do with you when it happens like that, so keep that in mind. And I hope the creep stays away!!

I think you're right that contacting people who seem interesting is definitely better. In fact, now that I think about it, every good relationship I've ever had in my adult life has been because I have initiated contact. Every single creep I have run into has contacted me first. Of course, lots of good people have contacted me too, but we didn't click. It's like being at the candy store and asking the person behind the counter to point to a random piece of candy and asking "do you like this one?" until they get to the one you want, when you can just tell them which one you want. I probably shouldn't be writing dating analogies when I just woke up...

So, here's a half-baked theory. Actually, since I just woke up it really hasn't even been put in the oven yet, but here, have a taste anyway: I tend to have good chemistry with people who are very non-aggressive. These people are sometimes too timid to initiate contact with others a lot, which is a double bonus for me. First, I know they are less likely to be predatory and second, they don't get contacted by other women very often so I stand out. In fact, the last person I dated told me she had complained to her friend about how no women ever contact her just a few days before I did. (This is true when talking to men too, though.)

I'm not sure whether this will help at all, but here's what I look for in a profile before I contact someone and so far it has worked really well. Mind you these are just things I look for and you may need to remove or add some things:
  • Seems to be a genuine animal lover.
    Not all animal lovers are great people, of course, but in my experience it greatly increases the chances of them being a genuinely good person.
  • Doesn't come off as confrontational or aggressive in their profile.
    If you get even a hint of a 50 Shades of Gray vibe from it, just don't... They will turn out to be abusers. I think you figured this one out already though, since you knew creepy guy showing off his money was a red flag.
  • If they are a gamer or have other nerdy hobbies,
    that's a major bonus. This one is probably more personal, but I always end up enjoying their company even though I'm not a gamer myself. I'll admit to being a nerd though. Also I'm a total backseat gamer, I love watching others play and try to help! I'm too old for wild parties and I don't enjoy lots of running around everywhere. I find nerdy types tend to want to Netflix and chill on the couch with a bottle of wine on a Friday. Best Friday nights ever!
  • Their profile is long enough to give me a good sense of who they are,
    but not too long to read. (Thanks ADD, for helping me weed out the long-winded ones!) This tends to show how effective they are at communicating and how well they really know themselves.
So those are the main things. If they give me the right kind of vibe I will contact them. It may end up being only one in 20 or more people whose profile I visit, but so far everyone except one person I have ever contacted has responded and I have gotten a couple relationships out of it and many people I talk to as friends. I'm also friends with exes who had profiles matching the above, because they turned out to be good communicators and could handle conflict and breakups maturely.

Sorry for my fresh out of bed rambles, I hope there was something useful in this message at least!
Great points, thank you! I did end up messaging a guy last night. He fits points 2 and 4 on your list, don't know about the others yet. But I looked at his profile, then I saw he looked at my profile after I looked at his, but he didn't message me and I just assumed he saw something that scared him away. But I got up the nerve to message him anyways and he messaged me back saying he would really like to talk! Let's see if I can keep from ruining this one.
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  #97  
Old 11-16-17, 10:56 AM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

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Great points, thank you! I did end up messaging a guy last night. He fits points 2 and 4 on your list, don't know about the others yet. But I looked at his profile, then I saw he looked at my profile after I looked at his, but he didn't message me and I just assumed he saw something that scared him away. But I got up the nerve to message him anyways and he messaged me back saying he would really like to talk! Let's see if I can keep from ruining this one.
Way to go!! I don't think you ruined the previous ones, it sounds more like they ruined their own chances pretty spectacularly. That was totally their loss!
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  #98  
Old 11-16-17, 02:38 PM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

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Originally Posted by OyVeyKitty View Post
Way to go!! I don't think you ruined the previous ones, it sounds more like they ruined their own chances pretty spectacularly. That was totally their loss!
Yeah, I think oversharing could ruin things, but I wonder if I only do that because the other person can't hold a conversation. I ask a bunch of questions and then I feel like I'm asking too many questions and start oversharing about myself, when they're really not all that interested. I guess that should be a sign to me, but I always try to give them the benefit of the doubt, like maybe they're just shy or something. But I said I wouldn't compromise on that, so I need to stick to it.
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  #99  
Old 11-17-17, 01:29 AM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

So this guy seemed all enthusiastic about talking to me, then told me to text him on his phone before we could even get to talking! I was like "uh, no!" and then he didn't talk to me after that. What is wrong with people? It's scary to me that these people walk around out there among us and they just look like average people, when they're really creeps.

Oh, and then the guy who disappeared on me MID-conversation THREE days ago, popped up again and said, "Oh sorry for the late reply, I was busy". WHAT?! You mean it didn't work out with the person you ditched me for and now you're back? Like I didn't see that he had been on the site during those three days? Really, how insulting that he takes me for one of the dumb broads on there, who is so needy I would just start talking to him again like nothing had happened.

So I hid my profile and I'm not un-hiding it until my divorce is final. I think "separated" probably repels any decent people on there (if they even exist) and somehow attracts all the creeps. In all honesty, I feel like a hypocrite because I would have serious reservations about talking to someone who is separated. I would have no way of knowing just how separated they are, and other people have no way of knowing how much I would rather die than ever get back with my husband. I need to just focus on getting this divorce over with, like I meant to do in the first place. I'm going to the courthouse tomorrow to file and they told me it will take 2 months until it's final. It's not quite as scary as I thought it would be. I would rather just be lonely than deal with the scum on that site, though. It just feels like more of the abuse I've dealt with all my life. More of the "you're nothing", "you're nobody", "you don't matter". Don't need that in my life right now.
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  #100  
Old 11-24-17, 04:08 AM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

I'm resurrecting this because I unhid my profile yesterday and then started messaging with someone tonight. We exchanged a few messages on the dating site, then went to messenger, then became friends on FB, then talked for hours on the phone until 2 AM, then talked about meeting up! What just happened?! OMG, not only did he talk...a lot....and tell me all about himself and his issues (he definitely has some and was very up front and honest), but he asked all about myself and was genuinely interested, and supportive! And he even made me laugh a few times! And he has a cute southern accent. And he knows I have ADD/anxiety (says he is socially awkward, too), he knows all about my kids, my mom living with me, my separation, everything! We both really enjoyed talking to each other. I felt like I was talking to a friend. Judging by his FB page and how he sounded on the phone, he seems like a really genuine and sweet person.

All that said, I don't really know where this is going to go because he was very up front and honest that he has just been through a lot. But we both agreed we would like to meet and see where things go. He likes to do the same things as I do. If nothing else, I feel I may at least end up with a friend out of it.
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  #101  
Old 11-24-17, 08:28 AM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

Ooh Owly, I'm so excited for you!! I really hope this one works out, you deserve it after all the things you had to go through on there already!
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Old 11-24-17, 02:32 PM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

Omg, we're going to a football game tonight! Good thing I took my anxiety meds!
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Old 11-25-17, 05:20 AM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

We had so much fun. It was both of our first time attending a football game (his friend had extra tickets). I found out we both love Dean Koontz books (and he even reads Nicholas Sparks and John Grisham). He loves Stranger things, just like me. We plan on watching the new "It" movie together, since we both want to see it. He takes a lot of pictures, like I do. He loves animals and kids. He's very close with his family. He's also very sweet and considerate. And we wore matching sweatshirts, so we're obviously meant to be. Plus, he's cute and.has nice blue eyes.
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Old 11-25-17, 06:03 AM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

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We had so much fun. It was both of our first time attending a football game (his friend had extra tickets). I found out we both love Dean Koontz books (and he even reads Nicholas Sparks and John Grisham). He loves Stranger things, just like me. We plan on watching the new "It" movie together, since we both want to see it. He takes a lot of pictures, like I do. He loves animals and kids. He's very close with his family. He's also very sweet and considerate. And we wore matching sweatshirts, so we're obviously meant to be. Plus, he's cute and.has nice blue eyes.
Wow, sounds like you had quite the dream date!! And he sounds like a total catch, too!

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Old 11-25-17, 01:46 PM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

Yeah, the only real catch to it all is that we're both just getting our lives back together after major events, but I've had more time to recover than he has. His thing is really recent. I don't want our relationship to be based on both of us being "needy", though, because that's codependency. He said he wants a relationship and wants to eventually settle down and have a family, but things have to go really slow and right now he can't really look beyond the present. He said he wants to do right by me and not try to commit to something he can't fulfill at this time.

I understand all that and think it's good to go slow, but my concern is that we'll be together for awhile and I'll get attached, maybe even fall in love, only to have him flake out on me at some point and not really be able to commit. He said he really likes me so far and wants to do stuff with me and know me more, and I feel the same way. I really enjoy talking to him and spending time with him, it's like he's a good friend already. That probably sounds silly, but it is what it is.

So idk, I don't want to "waste" time if it will never work out in the end, but then I suppose that can happen with anyone you date, right? I could start dating someone who says they are ready for commitment and then have them flake out or whatever. So, I feel like just going along with it for right now because we seem so compatible and it just feels right.
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