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Old 09-05-18, 10:21 PM
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Balance between accomodating for ADHD and discipline

Hi,

I have a 9-year-old daughter with ADHD who also has some defiance issues and is strong willed.

Does anyone have experience with the balance between accommodating for her ADHD and not punishing her for that, but also setting expectations and consequences, and disciplining when necessary?

It's tough right now to find that line between being assertive (not quite the right word) as a parent and expecting her to listen and behave, and being too demanding or hard on her. Also tough to know when raising your voice is ok.

Thanks,
Daniel
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Old 09-05-18, 10:33 PM
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Re: Balance between accomodating for ADHD and discipline

There are some great tips in the sticky thread at the top of this sub-forum
called Dizfriz's Corner.
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Old 09-06-18, 03:39 AM
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Re: Balance between accomodating for ADHD and discipline

Quote:
Originally Posted by DanielGoldberg View Post
Hi,

I have a 9-year-old daughter with ADHD who also has some defiance issues and is strong willed.

Does anyone have experience with the balance between accommodating for her ADHD and not punishing her for that, but also setting expectations and consequences, and disciplining when necessary?

It's tough right now to find that line between being assertive (not quite the right word) as a parent and expecting her to listen and behave, and being too demanding or hard on her. Also tough to know when raising your voice is ok.

Thanks,
Daniel

I suspect that "defiance issues" and "being strong willed" reflect in part, good ego integrity- she has a strong sense of who she is and what she is worth.

While some boundaries definitely need to be set, the innate high stress state in ADHD does mean that the child is likely to think the worst of any intervention- so caution in avoiding harsh discipline is likely to help. ie Be aware that your daughter is likely to feel anything you say is more intense and aggressive than another person would feel. Raising your voice is more likely to backfire than it would with a non ADHD child.

This is reflected in Dizfriz's comments and also Barkley's advice.
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Old 09-06-18, 04:28 AM
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Re: Balance between accomodating for ADHD and discipline

I also found the book "Parenting With Love and Logic" to be very helpful.

Rather than showing my frustration with my adhd granddaughter and yelling
at her, which made me feel bad and just made her more defiant, I began to
tell her very simply what the expectation was.

Instead of "How many times do I have to ask you to turn off the sound when
the video is done so I don't have to hear the sound track on an endless loop?"

I started saying, "Katlin (got her attention), turn off the video (what to do)."
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Old 09-06-18, 08:18 AM
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Re: Balance between accomodating for ADHD and discipline

Quote:
Originally Posted by DanielGoldberg View Post
Hi,

I have a 9-year-old daughter with ADHD who also has some defiance issues and is strong willed.

Does anyone have experience with the balance between accommodating for her ADHD and not punishing her for that, but also setting expectations and consequences, and disciplining when necessary?

It's tough right now to find that line between being assertive (not quite the right word) as a parent and expecting her to listen and behave, and being too demanding or hard on her. Also tough to know when raising your voice is ok.

Thanks,
Daniel
I have a 9 year old girl with ADHD and ODD at home. It's a struggle. These meltdowns where she hates everything and everyone are ridiculous.

I have to be an authority figure, I'm a single parent. I correct mostly with looks. She knows that means to re-word whatever she just said to me. If she's not going to reword it and crosses her arms then she has to go to her room. These meltdowns usually occur when she is tired or hungry so I try to keep those in check.

I do spank her but it's rare. She knows the expectations on certain things and we talk through others. For example, I told her the next time I find a used pull up (medical condition that she still has to wear them) she will get three smacks on her bottom. Next time 5. Next time 10. It resets at the beginning of the month. There have been very few spankings over that since we got to 5 one month.

Last week she told me she didn't want to clean her room, she said this is a VERY defiant way. I told her she couldn't go play for a week and that we all cleaned in this house. She didn't enjoy watching her brother play and not her. She counted the hours until she could play. This past weekend we were cleaning, she said "but i don't want to!", i said "What happened last time you didn't want to? She said "Oh, nevermind, I'm cleaning, I'm cleaning.

While I am understanding that certain things will be more difficult with her ADHD she doesn't get a free pass on discipline and expectations. I may have to remind her 6 times and not be mad about it, but she still has to do the chore.
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Old 09-06-18, 09:20 AM
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Re: Balance between accomodating for ADHD and discipline

Wow, thanks guys for the great input. I will read your responses more closely later - at work, lol.

I did read "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" and it helped give me a vocabulary that was more direct but not "yelling at the kids"; it's tough because you can tell her something multiple times and it's like she doesn't hear you - she's off in her own world making her own wonderful plans. Other times she (and her younger sister) start yelling and it seems the only way to cut through the noise is to raise your own voice too!

She's in counseling now and right away one of the things the counselor reminded her was she needs to do something the first time she's asked. I hesitate to say "remember what Dr. Fleming said!" at home, because I don't want her to start associating "pain in the ***" with the counselor!

Regards,
Daniel
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Old 09-06-18, 10:58 AM
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Re: Balance between accomodating for ADHD and discipline

1) is her ADHD medicated?
2) maybe try to give her options - the you can do this (what you’re asking her to do) or you can do this (whatever punishment you decide).

Rather than just punishing her, tell her normally once, if she doesn’t listen give her the options.
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Old 09-06-18, 12:03 PM
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Re: Balance between accomodating for ADHD and discipline

I like it! Yes, she's on Concerta 18 mg in the morning (we have a ritual where I "race" her to see who can take their meds first...the schtick is that she wins, always. It miraculously gets her to take her meds with no argument!), and then a 5 mg booster in the evening if she has dance or something like that.

D.
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Old 09-06-18, 02:27 PM
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Re: Balance between accomodating for ADHD and discipline

My granddaughters didn't argue with each other, only with Mommy and I.

Maybe keep a balloon in your pocket and when they start yelling at each other
calmly start blowing up the balloon. And tie it shut.

Then step between them and pop the balloon. The noise should startle them
into stopping the fight. Tell them to take it outside.

I expect that after you do that a couple of times, they'll start to notice when
you begin to blow up the balloon.
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Old 09-06-18, 06:13 PM
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Re: Balance between accomodating for ADHD and discipline

Quote:
Originally Posted by DanielGoldberg View Post
Wow, thanks guys for the great input. I will read your responses more closely later - at work, lol.

I did read "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" and it helped give me a vocabulary that was more direct but not "yelling at the kids"; it's tough because you can tell her something multiple times and it's like she doesn't hear you - she's off in her own world making her own wonderful plans. Other times she (and her younger sister) start yelling and it seems the only way to cut through the noise is to raise your own voice too!

She's in counseling now and right away one of the things the counselor reminded her was she needs to do something the first time she's asked. I hesitate to say "remember what Dr. Fleming said!" at home, because I don't want her to start associating "pain in the ***" with the counselor!

Regards,
Daniel
I've found with my daughter (who is only 2 and hopefully doesn't have ADHD but just the usual toddler
Stuff) that yelling louder when she's yelling (or singing or generally not paying attention to me when I need her to) doesnt help as much as when I get down to her eye level. Ideally with something that catches her interest. This might be easier with a two-year old who gets fascinated by, an old spoon but ithink.maybe visual cues can be more striking than auditory ones. I
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Old 09-06-18, 06:15 PM
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Re: Balance between accomodating for ADHD and discipline

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrandyDW View Post
1) is her ADHD medicated?
2) maybe try to give her options - the you can do this (what you’re asking her to do) or you can do this (whatever punishment you decide).

Rather than just punishing her, tell her normally once, if she doesn’t listen give her the options.
Omg brandy the options thing works like a charm with fuzzling. She used to absolutely refuse letting me brush her teeth till I started asking her which side she wants to brush first.

A lot of times when I want her to do something she doesn't want to do giving her an option makes her so much more cooperative.
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Old 09-11-18, 02:00 AM
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Re: Balance between accomodating for ADHD and discipline

Hi Daniel:
two things I can share with you...punishments are punitive and aren't necessarily whats going to work for correcting behavior. Its much more effective to reward good behavior when you see it then punish bad behavior. Especially since with adhd kids, there tends to be a lot of correcting. The other thing is natural consequences. And this continues into their teen years. I will not rehash it here but check out my thread called "she left" about my 18 year old. We had to set up natural consequences. They seemed punitive but when you look at what was taken away or done as a result of her behavior they were actually natural consequences. Sometimes we as parents have to lay the parameters for these consequences. When my one daughter was little she fooled around every morning getting ready for pre-school I told her if she kept it up she was going to school in her pj's and she could explain why she wasn't in clothes. This wasnt meant to be cruel because it was not like she was in danger wearing pj's to school but the fact that people asked her why because she wouldnt follow directions made her get her act together. I think I had tp take her to school three times in her pj's and that was it.
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