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Old 08-15-03, 04:22 PM
waywardclam waywardclam is offline
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Adult with ADD Romantic impulsiveness - dangerously so

This is something I want to hear people's anecdotes on... hide whatever names you need to, and respond privately if you like.

But one of the things I have had trouble with in life was being attracted sexually too easily and too often and too inappropriately. It lost me the first woman I loved. I left her, because I couldn't understand why if I truly loved her, I still felt the impulse/urge to go after other women that went by...

I felt like either I didn't truly love her, or that I was broken, because a man who truly loves one woman shouldn't feel the things I was feeling.

Nowadays I suspect it's more the impulsive nature of ADHD... get distracted easily when a pretty girl goes by (or one who shares my interests, who has a good sense of humour, who admires me for something I've done, God forbid it should be more than one reason...)

I am more forgiving of myself these days. The urge to flirt or pursue is harmless AS LONG AS I DON'T ACT ON IT. But when I was younger, I got myself in all sorts of trouble with women I should NOT have been involved with.

One was married, and I essentially helped break up her marriage.

Many I should have left alone because I was in a committed relationship.

Some I should have left alone because of the age difference.

Some I should have left alone because I knew intellectually that they weren't ready for a relationship and I was doing them no favours by pursuing them sexually.

There are a couple of others I can't share details about, but thank God I never got into any real trouble with them...

Now I am older I don't pursue these impulses anywhere near as much. But I still HAVE them. And that's frustrating as all hell because I have a wife who I truly love.

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Old 08-15-03, 04:25 PM
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On second thought, perhaps this belongs in Relationships. If the moderators agree, can you move it?
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Old 08-15-03, 04:26 PM
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Paul: Are you looking for responses from both sexes, or just men????
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Old 08-15-03, 04:36 PM
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I was originally thinking men, but there's no reason at all why it should be so restricted. If women have something to say on the subject I would love to hear it too.

I am also interested to hear if any women recognize their man as being like this too.

It has just caused a lot of pain in my life, so I am seeking to understand it better...
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Old 08-15-03, 04:44 PM
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Paul: Are you into the 12-step fellowships (tailored after alcoholics anonymous)......There is one called Sex and Love Addicts Anomyous....(a google search will get you to their websites....there is also sex addicts anonymous as well)...It's all over the country and they even have on-line meetings.....

Many men share your struggle.....Frankly? I think it has something to do with the fact that um let's see, God made you guys with so much testosterone.....BUT and I know many others will undoubtedly respond to your post here....your own words say it well....AS LONG AS YOU DON'T ACT ON IT......meaning you can LOOK all you want, in other words....it's good to hear it's gotten a little better for you as you've gotten a little older.....

I appreciate your candor in this post Paul and your honest inventory...took courage.....if you need help with this issue, I strongly recommend getting it.....Here is link: www.slaafws.org
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Old 08-16-03, 02:41 AM
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I have given this some thought and I don't think it is a question of sex addiction. Or if it is, then I am also addicted to a lot of other stuff too, such as TV, Internet, food, etc. It's a question of the prospect of something stimulating to the mind and emotion making me want to chase it...

And to clarify, I haven't actually slept with most of the people I am talking about here. I've just been a terrible flirt. It's the pursuit that gets me going... I am ashamed to say that I have had relationships where when the person agreed to go out with me, they lost a lot of their appeal...

Knowing this now, is what helps me keep myself in line. I know that I am not actually attracted to a lot of these people, but more attracted to the idea of pursuing and attaining them. Must be the hunter in me.
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Old 08-16-03, 09:45 AM
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Have you ever talked through any of these issues with a counselor or therapist?

So if they agree to go out with you, you don't want them anymore? So sounds like you might only want what you can't have? (because once you have it, you don't want it?)

Paul: How about taking some of that "hunter" energy and putting it into something really worthwhile? Take it and go somewhere where you really want to be.... I mean as Dr. Phil says "where is this getting you"? or "what is this behavior getting you"? And to me it doesn't sound like it's getting you anywhere you want to be....Chase after something you really DO want "Flirt" with something you really want to be flirting with.....

I must say I relate to ALL of your addictions -- TV, INTERNET and Food....they are all killers
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Old 08-16-03, 12:46 PM
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Brother, if I were you I wouldn't worry about it. Look, at it's most basic level we men are biologicaly programmed to "spread our seed". This is a scientific fact, and now there's evidence that this biological programming applies to women as well. From a Darwinian perspective pair bonding is only beneficial from "rearing the young" perspective, but from the genetic perspective the greater the variety the greater the chances of success. I'd be happy to dig up links on the net if anyone wants to persue this from scientific perspective.

Now from a humanistic perspective, the key word here is - respect. If you respect the quality of your relationship and the people you involve yourself with, it is unlikely that you will take actions that will be damaging to these relationships. The fact that you feel inclined to flirt is natural, how far you take that flirting - that's choice.

Don't feel guilty about the flirting. Don't allow the flirting to become damaging. Seek the middle path.
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Old 08-16-03, 01:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by why
Brother, if I were you I wouldn't worry about it. Look, at it's most basic level we men are biologicaly programmed to "spread our seed". This is a scientific fact, and now there's evidence that this biological programming applies to women as well. From a Darwinian perspective pair bonding is only beneficial from "rearing the young" perspective, but from the genetic perspective the greater the variety the greater the chances of success. I'd be happy to dig up links on the net if anyone wants to persue this from scientific perspective.

Now from a humanistic perspective, the key word here is - respect. If you respect the quality of your relationship and the people you involve yourself with, it is unlikely that you will take actions that will be damaging to these relationships. The fact that you feel inclined to flirt is natural, how far you take that flirting - that's choice.

Don't feel guilty about the flirting. Don't allow the flirting to become damaging. Seek the middle path.
Hehehe... I think this is more or less what I was thinking on my own, but I was hoping to run into someone else who also thought the same way.

Which doesn't prove it's right, of course. But it sure makes me feel a lot better.
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Old 08-16-03, 02:36 PM
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Paul: If the behavior is causing you emotional pain and wreaking havoc on other areas of your life, then yes I would give it further consideration......otherwise I would just consider your own words....AS LONG AS I DON'T ACT ON IT....(you have these words in caps, just like this)....

So the question is....are you acting on it? Or is the flirting really only harmless flirting? If it is just harmless flirting and there are no hidden agendas, I would then just let this thing go and not worry about it.....I think it's important to be real honest with yourself, however. It was important enough to you to bring it up here....Right? Enuf said Good luck
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Old 08-16-03, 03:00 PM
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As a matter of fact I brought it up here because I am afraid to bring it up with most of the people close to me, as if they judged me for it it would be very difficult to deal with in my day to day life.

If you people judge me for it that will be painful, but I haven't had a lot of time to form friendships with you so far, so it's less of a risk, if you see what I mean...

As for am I acting on it... not in any harmful ways these days. Not any more.

I just wanted to know if any others had been through the same thing or not.
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Old 08-16-03, 03:11 PM
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Been through the same thing?? Not myself but sure have known many guys that have been through the same thing....and they felt the same way as you....guilt and shame and not wanting to share with close peers.....and the ones where it was causing the MOST pain...and getting in the way of their lives....got help....This stuff hurt them very badly emotionally, especially the married ones.....because they knew although they loved their wives dearly, they felt it was a behavior they could not stop...and knew one day it would probably wreck their marriages if they did not stop....And they knew they were hurting the people they were "pursuing" as well....

Paul this issue is SO common,you would not believe it.....Chances are if your friends at home judged you for such an issue, they have it themselves....or they wouldn't react so strongly....Again though, only you can determine what harmless flirting is....what is "okay" and appropriate for you...what you can live with..and it sounds like you're okay with your behavior...so there ya go
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"If you change the way you look at things -- the things you look at change"

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Old 08-16-03, 04:39 PM
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Paul I have another thought. Have you ever heard of Love Languages? Physical touch is one of the love languages: Words of Affermation, gifts, service, and um... dang I forgot the fifth one... Anywho. Some people don't feel loved unless they see/feel their love language. Other times we show we care for someone using our love language. Now if your language is physical touch then you can get into relationships easily due to touch being so um well arousing.
For example: My love language is two parts: Physical touch and Words of Affermation. When I see friends, I hug them. Numerous times I've been accused of flirting when I am not. When I don't get much hugs I feel lonely and unloved. (Now that I'm aware of this I go get a hug from my teens) Understanding your love language can help you figure out how you treat people and how and why you feel things from others.

Ps My ex had service as his love language. He wasn't much of a talker or a hugger but he used to cook dinner for me, straighten things up ect. I had no idea he was telling me he loved me.
Any ways. Maybe this is what's happening to you.
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Old 08-16-03, 04:50 PM
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hey paul; yeah ive done what you do.and felt what you felt.for me it was about getting validation and strokes from other women.andas many women as would give them to me.until i found out there werent enough women in the whole world to fill my bottomless pit of need and desire.it was never about the other women or the flirting.my therapist always told me this

.i do agree with joan.therapy might help.especialy if u cant discuss with friends.maybe pro help is necessary.

my therapist said all the chasing and runninghad to do with a child who never got his needs met.so i have had to learn to slow down.find ways to get my needs met from friends, myself, even.the answers aint out there in other women, no matter how many, no matter how much they may flirt back.
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Old 08-16-03, 06:07 PM
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great thread!
great responses!
I have had all the similar problems, being a mother helped me.
I am an insatiable creature, fortunately there is a lot of udder stuff to be insaturated with.
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