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  #31  
Old 11-10-17, 07:24 PM
peripatetic peripatetic is offline
 
 

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Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending

Quote:
Originally Posted by midnightstar View Post
I wish there was something we could do to help, peri
there's not really anything to be done about it. it is what it is.

i do appreciate those who keep me company though. i feel very blank, and likely unpleasant to hear of late. so, yes, that's appreciated. x
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  #32  
Old 11-15-17, 12:57 AM
peripatetic peripatetic is offline
 
 

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Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending

i endure.

e asked if "mummy's ok" yesterday and it broke my heart. i'm going to spend the day with her tomorrow and ....

i don't know. i took my night meds so i'm kinda out of it. but i was kinda out of it to begin with.

i can't crap. that's miserable. it's one of the most underestimated side effects. it really takes something out of your confidence in self when you can't muster up the basics. and, i mean, that's pretty ****in basic.

i should shower. i'm probably not going to. i should also eat. i'm definitely not going to do that either.

i have such strong urges sometimes i don't know how i endure them. not all of them are self defeating, so to speak. like, right now, i really want to go hug my small girl. and i want to cry. alas, i cannot. tears are just not in me for now.

day...friday evening, saturday all, sunday all, monday all, now tuesday all. 4.5. my psychiatrist thinks i could start to ....i don't even know how to put it. "feel" again. or feel less of some things, more of others... feel less urgency and more expressive...in as little as a week. i just don't know.

i spent a lot of the weekend lying around. not leaving my house. avoiding people and avoiding having to deal with meeting or not meeting people's expectations. i should phone a friend or something. ha! that's totally not going to happen.

oh well. i should be asleep sooner than later. maybe i will take the shower after all. i just have ZERO motivation to do anything remotely self-care-ish. it's, like, i can't get invested in it at all.

anyway, i'm rambling. take care all. xx
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  #33  
Old 11-19-17, 09:52 PM
peripatetic peripatetic is offline
 
 

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Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending

i think it's finally helping...starting to, at least. the clozaril, that is. but now i'm on that plus the depot injections and i can't crap regularly.

i know it'll resolve after a while. at least, it has in the past, but it's demoralizing to not have success in the toilet. truly, it is.

i feel like my head is in a much better place. but i'm also, like...i keep running videos of tying things in way through my head. but i have an amended "crisis plan" so i'm not watching. which is probably for the best.

i do feel like it's such ******** that i am ....managed so much. i think there's a part of me that will always resent treatment on some level. you know?

anyway, i'm less suicidal than i have been, so, yeah...hopefully what started this thread is resolving. though the holidays do just totally ******* suck. i hate holidays. just...****.

anyway, hope this finds others well. xx
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