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Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

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Old 05-21-03, 10:58 PM
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conventional relationship ?

We as ADDers think differently than non-ADD people. Since the day we were born we have been programmed to try to live in the non-ADD world and live like the non-ADDers. I think many of us have had problems doing things like the rest of the world does. Many of us have had trouble in school, with peers, with work etc.

There are now many private schools geared towards the learning style of ADDers. There are some books written on how to use our ADD strengths to find the correct jobs. There are a couple of books written on how to make a conventional relationship work.


But...what if we weren't meant to be in conventional realtionships?

We spend so much time trying to become like everybody else. We feel awful about ourselves when we upset our partners because of our "ADD issues".

When these realtionships don't work yet again we feel like a failure and our self esteem is killed.

But...what if it's not us that doesn't work but the whole idea of a conventional relationship...
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Old 05-22-03, 12:52 AM
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Okay, Tara.....Please define "conventional relationship"...what exactly are we talking about here? I mean do you mean wife/husband forever and always -- type conventional relationship?
If so, yeah, I've thought about this a lot....How many ADD marriages don't work out or end up in one or both partners having affairs...? Any statistics on that? I mean marriage itself is tough and add ADD to the picture and WATCH OUT...I want to get married someday and sooner rather than later...and I want it to work out the FIRST time....no affairs....no divorce....no anything...there have been no divorces inmy family...and frankly I AM afraid of ******* my husband off...of not being good enough or whatever....because of my ADD....I mean the terror of telling him I'm not a gourmet cook when we're dating...that may fend off every eligible Jewish man there IS...anyway..perhaps I'm 'NOT marraige material becuase of my ADD yet I WANT to be marraige material...because outside of my ADD I KNOW have TONS to offer a marriage...Bothof my married siblings have told me so...Anyway....
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Old 05-30-03, 03:31 PM
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If you mean husband/wife as conventional relationship, I think it can work, as long as both parties are aware of the unusual way that an ADHD person thinks and that they'll need to work even harder to keep the marriage from being "boring." Boring, as we all know, is a death sentence to ADHD folks!

I know that sexual monogamy has been difficult for me, mostly for that whole "boring" thing. But what I've tried to do (since "swinging" is depressing and empty without a meaningful relationship to fall back on) is find that variety and excitement within the relationship, rather than cutting and bailing at the first hint of boredom.

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Old 05-30-03, 09:29 PM
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Tom -- Have you ever thought of becoming tne next "Dear Abby" for ADD relationships....I have enjoyed reading your posts lately....very insightful and lots of wisdom
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Old 05-31-03, 02:50 AM
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No -- good lord, no! I'd hate to think of people following my advice

But thanks for the vote of confidence
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Old 05-31-03, 01:23 PM
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OKAY.....
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Old 05-31-03, 03:36 PM
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I think the main problem with an ADD/Non-ADD relationship is that the ADD doesnt recognize or interperate the non-ADDers moods and feelings correctly. We ADDers fail at being able to comprehend many of the things that "normal" folks do. Just my 2pence on the whole relationship thingy. I also buy into the Mars/Venus concept to a certain degree. But that is for all relationships in general.
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Old 06-01-03, 02:56 PM
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Mark, very true. Equally the non-ADD'er simply doesn't understand our moods and methods of thinking. Sometimes it can feel like we're almost an alien species, huh?

I'm not too impressed with the "we're defective" or "missing something" idea anymore. I see ADD as a sword with two edges, and I'm not sure I want to give up the one to get rid of the other. But if I keep sharp, that means that I'm going to have to find more effective ways of relating to non-ADD people. :|

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Old 06-01-03, 03:31 PM
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Maybe it's you male ADDers...I am a very empathetic person. I have always been able to interpret others feeling.
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