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Old 04-11-17, 02:47 PM
niyany niyany is offline

Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: İstanbul
Posts: 8
Thanks: 2
Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts
niyany is on a distinguished road
Fresh diagnosed at 32

Hi, everybody! I know it is not cool to write long posts. You can just skip the last paragraph where I explained why I feel like "I have to write this". By the way, English is not my native language, sorry for mistakes in advance.

I'm from Istanbul, Turkey, and this forum is a blessing for me. We don't have "support group" concept in here and forums are invaded by people who without ADD/H wants to know what is the trick to prescribed ADHD meds to improve their performance or just getting high.

I've experienced sleep troubles for as long as I could remember, especially, the sleep paralysis/night terrors and cramps in my legs. I managed the finish highschool thanks to hyper focus episodes (which visits me very rare) and my ability to convince people that I know a lot about the given topic by speaking constantly and throwing fancy terms. (Lots of cheating, too, of course )

When it comes to college (we have an entrance exam here similar to SAT, but the score is the only parameter to get accepted no essay, no school activity)of course it didn't work out and I had to jump work life. I was lucky to find jobs in good companies but you know how it goes, I changed 10 jobs in 10 years.

I managed the stay 3 years on my last company. Because it was an "once in a life-time" kind of opportunity. I tried so hard to be successful and my symptoms start to be more visible.

I start to think more seriously about my sleeping problems, saw dozens of doctors, checked my psycal health from toe to top, and I couldn't find any doctor take me seriously. All of them told me that it is about stress and I diagnosed Panic Atack. Finally, I convinced that it is all about work-related stress and I couldn't concentrate because I hate my job.

So, I decided to quit my job and go to college to study something that I really love. After a couple of days my resignation I had a huge health issue and almost died. Next 3 or 4 month was most healthy-ish times of my life. Taking a big positive step for my life and having a life-alternate experience like faced with death put me in college.

I was over the moon but it didn't take much. I realized that I'm living with a creature try to keep blocking me. I was full with the urge of hitting the books but it was imposibble. Letting go was also imposible. I spend four years with 3-4 or hour sometimes less sleep per night. I sit on my desk persistently every day more than 10 - 12 hour every single day to do 20 minutes jobs. After my graduation, I finally crushed. During the 2 years hard-core depression I lost my everything including my home. My mom also in my responsibility financially so, I automatically make her homeless, too. Thanks to beautiful people around me, still I live in a family-friends empty house without rent and my friends/family take care of me. Coming to this point was unbearably shameful for me and finally, I found to strenght barely enough to knocking one more doctor's door. It took three months to cleaning the mess of depression and 5 days ago I diagnosed ADHD and medicated.

Now, I have this weird feeling. Still, I can't believe that there is a legit reason for all the things that I considered as my weaknesses. I almost feel guilty to get diagnosed and treatment and feel like I don't deserve. I keep questioning myself; Do I really have ADHD or did I tricked my doctors to find an excuse for my failures? Despite the tons of tests and cross-checked by 4 doctors, despite the many times I found myself life-threatening positions because of lacking attention, still, I can't shake it off these feelings. That is why I wrote such a long post, to convince myself and to know is there anybody feel the same way. Finding a chance to put everything out there already start to make me feel good.

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