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  #346  
Old 06-04-18, 02:30 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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Originally Posted by peripatetic View Post
frankly, it's because i no longer have hope things will get better and i need to take action to ensure my small girl doesn't grow up with a messy mother.

does it always get better? i don't really know.

if i typed what they're saying right now, i feel like you'd understand how i just can't do this **** anymore.

Hang in there Peri. You're doing the very best you can and nobody can reasonably expect more than that.

You've done an amazing job to keep going the way you have. I'd have probably given up long before now. But you're so much stronger.
There are people on here who look up to you everyday.
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  #347  
Old 06-04-18, 02:37 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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Originally Posted by Fraser_0762 View Post
Hang in there Peri. You're doing the very best you can and nobody can reasonably expect more than that.

You've done an amazing job to keep going the way you have. I'd have probably given up long before now. But you're so much stronger.
There are people on here who look up to you everyday.

Yep and I'm one who admires peri's strength
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  #348  
Old 06-04-18, 03:24 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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Originally Posted by peripatetic View Post
frankly, it's because i no longer have hope things will get better and i need to take action to ensure my small girl doesn't grow up with a messy mother.

does it always get better? i don't really know.

if i typed what they're saying right now, i feel like you'd understand how i just can't do this **** anymore.
I don't know peri if I understand or what could make me understand. I wish I did understand but I suspect that I really haven't got a clue and I'm genuinely sorry about that because I wish there was something I could say that somehow made things better or made you feel less alone at least.

The only thing that I might be able to understand is that it is scary and painful and exhausting. If you say you can't take this **** anymore then I believe you that it's true if I understand it or not.

Gosh, at the same time I want to say that please please please somehow do find a way to live with this. I don't know if it will always get better but i also don't know that it won't so the thought that in the past it usually has eventually got better is what I'm hanging my hope on. Of course that's easy for me to say though because I'm not the one dealing with this.

Im not finding a good way to say this so I'm just going to say it: I think for the small girl.it would be good to grow up with a mother even if messy. You are not mess in yoir entirety. There's so much good in you. Maybe this (I mean the good parts) doesn't really help you that much or make things easier for you but for E those good parts are as real as the bad parts are for you.
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  #349  
Old 06-04-18, 04:19 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

thank you fraser, star, and fuzzy. and luna...i see you thanking their posts...and psychopathetic

i just feel so ****ty. it's constant. just on and on...what're you doing, don't do that, that's poison, you're worthless and then they laugh at me or they pull repeaters on me or try and trick me by asking me questions that make no sense and then answering and cackling. and i know i should call my psychiatrist but what's he going to do? give me even more medication? suggest i try ECT again? i'm on 600 mg clozaril. 600!!! plus abilify, plus ativan, plus seroquel, plus zoloft, plus prn zyprexa dissolvables plus xanax prn...i mean, how am i even conscious with all the **** i take?

i love that little small girl so much it makes me weep to think of what i'm already putting her through. i don't want her visiting me in hospital. i don't want her growing up with an unstable mum. i feel like she deserves so much more than what i can offer.
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  #350  
Old 06-04-18, 04:30 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

Maybe the psych will come up with seyhing that usorth trying.

I wonder do what other people (eg like us) or what you tell yourself hold as much weight as what the voices say? I mean would it help if we told you what we think of you just to offer something like a counter narrative, a different perspective?

I mean you've been so amazing to so many people on this forum and there's so much good to say about you.
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  #351  
Old 06-04-18, 04:35 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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Originally Posted by peripatetic View Post
thank you fraser, star, and fuzzy. and luna...i see you thanking their posts...and psychopathetic

i just feel so ****ty. it's constant. just on and on...what're you doing, don't do that, that's poison, you're worthless and then they laugh at me or they pull repeaters on me or try and trick me by asking me questions that make no sense and then answering and cackling. and i know i should call my psychiatrist but what's he going to do? give me even more medication? suggest i try ECT again? i'm on 600 mg clozaril. 600!!! plus abilify, plus ativan, plus seroquel, plus zoloft, plus prn zyprexa dissolvables plus xanax prn...i mean, how am i even conscious with all the **** i take?

i love that little small girl so much it makes me weep to think of what i'm already putting her through. i don't want her visiting me in hospital. i don't want her growing up with an unstable mum. i feel like she deserves so much more than what i can offer.

That's quite a lot of things to be taking every day Peri. Is it possible that there could be interactions going on which are causing you to feel so much distress at the moment?


I'm no specialist, but it might be worth raising the issue with your psychiatrist.


Remember, no matter how low you're feeling right now, it never lasts forever. There's always a way to make things better. It's just finding your way there, which i'm sure you will.
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  #352  
Old 06-04-18, 04:40 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

i know why it's happening. it's because i've been skimming my meds. it's my own fault. this is all my fault and i can't seem to help myself. i'm just ****ty at taking them as prescribed.

i freaked out about gaining weight and i skipped some doses here and there and reduced some others...i'm probably down about 1200-1500 on the clozaril and that's why the voices are back.

they're not yelling at me. they're just at conversational level and sometimes whispering about me. and they put images in my head of bleached sheets and me dead and i feel like i have to be dead by my birthday or i'll never be free of this. and everyone around me will suffer as a result.

don't worry though. i'm pretty sure i'm actually unkillable because they've formaldehyded me.
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  #353  
Old 06-04-18, 04:47 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

Eg I was just thinking about how different I view you as a mum to maybe how you see yourself. It seems to me like you view yourself as s threat to your little girl whereas I always think that you are such an amazing mum and I've actually learnt quite a lot from the things you've said (eg like promoting positive body image or self esteem). I don't mean that these things cancel out each other but just saying that there's a lot of positives too.
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  #354  
Old 06-04-18, 04:48 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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Eg I was just thinking about how different I view you as a mum to maybe how you see yourself. It seems to me like you view yourself as s threat to your little girl whereas I always think that you are such an amazing mum and I've actually learnt quite a lot from the things you've said (eg like promoting positive body image or self esteem). I don't mean that these things cancel out each other but just saying that there's a lot of positives too.
that is my fear. that i'm a detriment to her. i don't know what would override the voices, but i do appreciate your kindness and sincerity in saying you think i'm a good mum. xx
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  #355  
Old 06-04-18, 05:28 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

I feel like crap tonight, everyone probably hates me now. I did something bad to myself again


I wish I could stop but I can't ...........
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  #356  
Old 06-04-18, 05:32 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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I feel like crap tonight, everyone probably hates me now. I did something bad to myself again


I wish I could stop but I can't ...........
I don't hate you no matter what you've done.

If you are self harming have you spoken to your psychiatrist about this?
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  #357  
Old 06-04-18, 05:34 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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I feel like crap tonight, everyone probably hates me now. I did something bad to myself again


I wish I could stop but I can't ...........

You know I don't hate you! I'm just mad at myself for being totally useless in trying to help you overcome these inner demons that torment you.
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  #358  
Old 06-04-18, 05:38 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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Originally Posted by midnightstar View Post
I feel like crap tonight, everyone probably hates me now. I did something bad to myself again


I wish I could stop but I can't ...........
i realise this sounds rich coming from me right now, but please contact someone instead of self harming. and if you must...please practice harm reduction and properly tend to your wounds. you're cared about. x
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  #359  
Old 06-04-18, 05:39 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

My dad has had this persistent cough and I just read it could be a symptomn of heart failure. I think it's worth investigating (or finding out if it has been imvrstigated. Problem.ue I'll have to speak to his gp, which I hate. I don't want to sound like a pushy smart *** who spends too much online.

It has to be done though. I think it's worth investigating
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  #360  
Old 06-04-18, 05:43 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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My dad has had this persistent cough and I just read it could be a symptomn of heart failure. I think it's worth investigating (or finding out if it has been imvrstigated. Problem.ue I'll have to speak to his gp, which I hate. I don't want to sound like a pushy smart *** who spends too much online.

It has to be done though. I think it's worth investigating

Does your dad keep active? I had a persistant cough for years and thought my heart was failing. It went away after about 2 months at the gym. I think a better diet and drinking plenty of water helped as well. I was coughing like crazy for the first month though.
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