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  #1  
Old 05-17-08, 04:58 PM
amiegrace amiegrace is offline
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Depressive thinking (slightly revelatory)

I've been doing a lot of metacognition -- thinking about thinking. My psych nurse/counselor keeps urging me to think about how my patterns of thought affect my moods, so I've been like a thought detective and I am amazed. I really never thought I was that negative, but dang, y'all . . .

I interviewed for a job working with special ed. kids at a middle school (if anyone needs proof that I'm slightly to moderately crazy, that's it!) and it went really well. I convinced myself to be myself at the interview, not what I thought the principal would want, and when it went well and she said she was going to call my principal at 8 am the next morning I was thrilled.

The next afternoon I hear nothing. I am convinced she has forgotten about me and I plummet.

She e-mails me the next morning; she called twice and the principal didn't call back. Even though my principal said she would give me a recommendation, I am now convinced that she is not calling the lady back because she doesn't want to face giving me a bad recommendation.

I keep trying to convince myself that's not the case, but my belief is clashing with the common sense I keep trying to tell myself. My fear is based on no evidence, really, except for my depressing assessment of the world and other people.

Hmm, this may be perpetuating my depression, ya think?

Anyone else do this kind of stuff?
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Old 05-18-08, 11:55 AM
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Re: Depressive thinking (slightly revelatory)

I do this kind of stuff all the time. Usually in relationships though.
When the guy doesn't call or send a text message, or reply to my calls/texts. I FREAK the **** out. I get all upset thinking that they don't like me anymore, or that I am becoming obsessed with them and calling too much and its freaking them out. (why I have a pattern of picking men who don't communicate with me or respond to my calls/texts, is another story... perhaps my next issue to work on)

I begin to obsess over what could be going through their head "Maybe the realized how crazy I am... maybe they talked to an ex of mine and got a stern warning to stay away and get out as soon as they can. Maybe he wants to break up with me and doesn't know how so he is trying to get me to break up with him."

Also do this kind of thinking when I post things on here. I realize I am becoming obsessed with this site. Sometimes I am on here several times a day. So when I don't get any comments on something that I posted "Did I say something that was totally in left field? People just know I am crazy and don't want to bother responding." Things of that nature.

If I knew why I did this, or how to stop it. I would tell you in an instant. Could it be the depression?? Or perhaps ADD?? I am also starting to question OCD... I guess it doesn't really matter where it comes from, just that I do it and now I get to deal with the consequences of it, or be responsible for altering that thought pattern. (easier said than done)

The only thing that helps (for a little while) for me is to separate the facts (what really happened) from what I made it mean (the conversation in my head) realizing that the reality in my head is usually not consistent with what is actually going on in the world. I have a tendency to think the worst about somethings and become melodramatic at times.

Bravo to you for being yourself at the interview. Its so great when someone realizes how great you are for being you. Good luck with the position I hope you get it.
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Old 05-19-08, 03:45 PM
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Re: Depressive thinking (slightly revelatory)

I am fighting this thinking so much but it only seems to be getting harder!

I e-mailed my principal to let her know that the lady would be calling her and she wrote back and said she spoke with her Friday. I heard nothing Friday, nothing yet today -- and I am sitting here already mad and thinking about the confrontation I'm going to have to have with my boss, for why I didn't get a good recommendation like I thought I would.

I will feel so dumb if it all turns out well.

I'm up in arms over nothing. No matter how much I try to convince myself that I am not based in evidence, my feelings overwhelm my sense. This sucks.

LOL, Zoie, I do the SAME THING with posts on here. I'm like, did I write the verbal equivalent of an ADD social faux pas?
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Old 05-19-08, 03:50 PM
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Re: Depressive thinking (slightly revelatory)

And, to think about it more, is it my assessment of myself or the world that is askew? Do I think I'll get a poor recommendation because I suck? Or because I don't really trust my principal? I'm always afraid of my bosses. I don't speak out or say what I mean because they have sway over recommendations in the future, etc. I tend to think they don't really care how I feel or what I think as long as I'm getting the job done.

I don't think I really despise people, I think I just don't trust most of them. I want to, but I don't.

I feel a lot of fear and I can't separate out what is my bipolar, my mood problems, my past, etc.
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Old 05-19-08, 03:56 PM
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Re: Depressive thinking (slightly revelatory)

Read the Power of Now or the New Earth by Eckhart Tolle.

Let me repeat it because this is important to what has been said here: Read the Power of Now or the New Earth by Eckhart Tolle.
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Old 05-19-08, 03:57 PM
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Re: Depressive thinking (slightly revelatory)

I have been on this site all morning. Waiting for something I can respond to, or for someone to comment on something I have said. (maybe I need to actually do my job? lol)

Is there anything you can do to distract your self from the situation? Maybe go to a movie or read a good book. Sometimes I find that when I can unplug from the world and enter a fantasy one, I am able to forget (even if its only for a little while) all the obsessive and negative thoughts.

Or maybe you are a writer? Sometimes when things get so overwhelming in my head, I have to write them all out. As I am writing I usually come to some conclusion or some alternate way of thinking. Or I will go back and read what I wrote and get disgusted with my self for obsessing over something so trivial (usually relationships) when there is so many greater things I could devote my attention to. Spiritual endeavors, current events or what ever difference you want to make in the world. So I try to focus my attention on those things.

Or if non of that works, you could always try to help someone else. Go do something for someone less fortunate, or donate time/money to a cause, or talk with a friend who has been having a really hard time. When I stop making my life all about me, it quiets the chatter in my head.

LOL, or you can always go shopping retail therapy helps sometimes too.

I am with you on the not trusting people. I never have a good handle on what people think of me or how they perceive me, and I am often left wondering if something I said or did will come back to impact me in the future. I understand the desire to figure out what causes the symptoms. Some of the counseling I have practiced taught me that going back into the past (if you feel safe enough in your memories) and finding when you first felt this way and what possibly triggered you to develop this pattern of behavior. Then sorting out whether or not this is a behavior that is still useful to you or not. Most often we have these patterns of behaviors that we developed as children (or what ever age) and they were very useful at the time, and are perhaps not useful anymore. Allow yourself to identify that the pattern was useful, consciously release it, then replace it with a new behavior that you would like in its place. This has helped me with some of my patterns. I don't know that this will work with BP symptoms or any other MI symptoms, but it has helped me with some of my issues from the past.

I hope it all works out for you, who knows you could be working at the new school next week? (or when ever the position is supposed to start) Good luck
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The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday- the Sunscreen Song

If we're not gonna make it, it's gotta be you that gets out, cause I'm not capable. I'm f***ing Irish, I'll deal with something being wrong for the rest of my life-- The Departed

Happiness is only real when shared -- Leo Tolstoy


Last edited by Zoie; 05-19-08 at 04:09 PM..
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Old 05-19-08, 04:41 PM
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Re: Depressive thinking (slightly revelatory)

Thank you for the kind suggestions -- and good ones at that!!

I have a three and a half year old for distraction, and a husband who is very supportive. I'm quite sure I wear him out on a consistent basis. I read obsessively (mostly nonfiction) which absorbs my brain. I feel like my brain cannot rest, like a fly constantly looking for a place to land. I suppose this is also known as a "sense of inner restlessness" so consistent with an ADD diagnosis.

I do believe in God so I pray a lot which helps. I think I have a lot of bottled up anger and it's always looking for a place to rest, but I have a nice girl syndrome that won't allow me to release it anywhere I actually need to (in my intimate relationships when I know I am loved, yes; in a professional relationship where I am performing a function, no).

In my calm self, I know that this is all going to be okay.

I wanted to shop for shoes for my daughter, but she was all hepped up on cupcakes from a birthday party at preschool, and I was agitated about this job thing, so shoe shopping would have been a disaster waiting to happen! And I get angry when I shop for myself because I feel overwhelmed with choices and I can't buy anything that's not on clearance -- I'm sort of a tightwad from years of being a broke stay at home mom.

Sometimes I feel like there is a second me sitting in my head going, "What's all the fuss about????"
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Old 05-19-08, 05:05 PM
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Re: Depressive thinking (slightly revelatory)

OKay forget about reading the book yet...Oprah had Tolle did a 10 week seminar and it is FREE on her web site: http://www.oprah.com/obc_classic/web...promocode=HP25

It will give you something to do AND maybe help you with this subject.

Did I mention FREE?
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Old 05-22-08, 11:19 AM
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Re: Depressive thinking (slightly revelatory)

You know what I find funny. My mom gave me a book for mothers day. I didn't even really look at it. I just put it on my kitchen table and figured I would read it later. I just saw it this morning and guess what, its A New Earth. Funny how things align like that. So I will be reading it now. Thanks for the tip Spongedaddy
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The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday- the Sunscreen Song

If we're not gonna make it, it's gotta be you that gets out, cause I'm not capable. I'm f***ing Irish, I'll deal with something being wrong for the rest of my life-- The Departed

Happiness is only real when shared -- Leo Tolstoy

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Old 05-22-08, 01:14 PM
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Re: Depressive thinking (slightly revelatory)

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Originally Posted by Zoie View Post
You know what I find funny. My mom gave me a book for mothers day. I didn't even really look at it. I just put it on my kitchen table and figured I would read it later. I just saw it this morning and guess what, its A New Earth. Funny how things align like that. So I will be reading it now. Thanks for the tip Spongedaddy
Ya know scientists have proven that everything is connected.

If you get a chance listen to him on Oprah. They had 6 million people listening and took questions from skype, email, etc. We BP people NEED to listen to this man. We NEED to believe we are not our thoughts or we will eat ourself alive.
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Old 05-22-08, 01:25 PM
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Re: Depressive thinking (slightly revelatory)

I agree. Learning the tools to get past thoughts can be helpful. I used to read a lot of Wayne Dyer, Caroline Myss and David Hopkins. All brought up topics to making life more than just thoughts, that we are more than just our physical body and the thoughts in our head. Other great authors (although this might cause some people to get reactivated, as the subject has been under controversy) Is Esther and Jerry Hicks. They talk about the law of attraction (Not just the secret, their books talk about so much more)

Sometimes though, I forget the tools I have learned to walk myself out of depressive thinking. Or I let myself believe that it is too hard to do. Positive thinking can at times be like putting icing on a mud pie. Underneath there is still a mud pie. I have learned that I need to work through my past and self image issues if I am ever to have hope of being truly happy with my self on a more regular basis. If not all the time.

I agree there is no coincidence, everything happens for a reason.
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The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday- the Sunscreen Song

If we're not gonna make it, it's gotta be you that gets out, cause I'm not capable. I'm f***ing Irish, I'll deal with something being wrong for the rest of my life-- The Departed

Happiness is only real when shared -- Leo Tolstoy

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Old 05-22-08, 10:00 PM
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Re: Depressive thinking (slightly revelatory)

I think I more mean that I KNOW it's my illness that is distorting my thinking now, rather than assuming that something is wrong and therefore I'm thinking the way that I'm thinking.

Duh, I should have known this because for about 10 days a month my thinking is totally distorted due to the monthly ebb and flow of my hormones, and I know intellectually when it will happen, what I will feel like, etc., and yet the intellectual rationale does nothing to change the realness of the experience and the thoughts that go with it.

Although I know thinking "SH*&, I wish I didn't have to wake up ever again" is "not me," it's my mood disorder/PMS, especially since I don't even swear in my head much less my mouth unless I'm "in a mood", still -- it's painful and it SEEMS real.

Avoiding a long religion discussion which will probably get me in trouble with the moderators -- thank you for the suggestion about the Power of Now guy, but he's not my cup of tea!! Although if he could wave a magic wand and cure my PMS/bipolar, I'd probably change my mind
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Old 05-23-08, 06:10 AM
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Re: Depressive thinking (slightly revelatory)

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Originally Posted by amiegrace View Post
I think I more mean that I KNOW it's my illness that is distorting my thinking now, rather than assuming that something is wrong and therefore I'm thinking the way that I'm thinking.

Duh, I should have known this because for about 10 days a month my thinking is totally distorted due to the monthly ebb and flow of my hormones, and I know intellectually when it will happen, what I will feel like, etc., and yet the intellectual rationale does nothing to change the realness of the experience and the thoughts that go with it.

Although I know thinking "SH*&, I wish I didn't have to wake up ever again" is "not me," it's my mood disorder/PMS, especially since I don't even swear in my head much less my mouth unless I'm "in a mood", still -- it's painful and it SEEMS real.

Avoiding a long religion discussion which will probably get me in trouble with the moderators -- thank you for the suggestion about the Power of Now guy, but he's not my cup of tea!! Although if he could wave a magic wand and cure my PMS/bipolar, I'd probably change my mind
That's a mistake a lot of people make. Tolle is not a religious guy. He never even states anything about religion except that he has no dogmatic beliefs. He never offers ten steps to happiness. He only talks about one thing.

Our disorder does distort things, but I think it is important to realize that it does distort a lot of thoughts we allready have in us.
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Old 07-29-08, 10:45 PM
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Re: Depressive thinking (slightly revelatory)

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Originally Posted by Zoie View Post
I do this kind of stuff all the time. Usually in relationships though.
When the guy doesn't call or send a text message, or reply to my calls/texts. I FREAK the **** out. I get all upset thinking that they don't like me anymore, or that I am becoming obsessed with them and calling too much and its freaking them out. (why I have a pattern of picking men who don't communicate with me or respond to my calls/texts, is another story... perhaps my next issue to work on)

I begin to obsess over what could be going through their head "Maybe the realized how crazy I am... maybe they talked to an ex of mine and got a stern warning to stay away and get out as soon as they can. Maybe he wants to break up with me and doesn't know how so he is trying to get me to break up with him."

Also do this kind of thinking when I post things on here. I realize I am becoming obsessed with this site. Sometimes I am on here several times a day. So when I don't get any comments on something that I posted "Did I say something that was totally in left field? People just know I am crazy and don't want to bother responding." Things of that nature.

If I knew why I did this, or how to stop it. I would tell you in an instant. Could it be the depression?? Or perhaps ADD?? I am also starting to question OCD... I guess it doesn't really matter where it comes from, just that I do it and now I get to deal with the consequences of it, or be responsible for altering that thought pattern. (easier said than done)

The only thing that helps (for a little while) for me is to separate the facts (what really happened) from what I made it mean (the conversation in my head) realizing that the reality in my head is usually not consistent with what is actually going on in the world. I have a tendency to think the worst about somethings and become melodramatic at times.
Oh my Goodness, (I almost started crying) you have summarized almost all of my most recent posts over in the ADHD forum, esp. the thread I started on "Saying the wrong thing". It's almost verbatim to what I said but nobody quite got. Thank youthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyo uthankyou!!!
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