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  #181  
Old 06-07-10, 07:20 AM
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Re: Dos and Don't with an AD/HDer

Don't push the buttons that you've learn they make me flip out just to have a laugh. it's not funny!!! I'm not a trained monkey. and even more, don't do this in front of other people i'm not your personal circus freak.
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  #182  
Old 06-09-10, 12:43 AM
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Re: Dos and Don't with an AD/HDer

Wow. Thank you all for commenting. Makes me feel not so crazy. I didn't read all of them, but skipped around through reading some closely. I'm no expert on all ADDers so, for me I'm very sensitive to sounds, lights and touch this is augmented when I'm hungry.

When you are talking and I ask you to take a drink of water, take a drink of water. Don't ask why. Do it. (Take it as a compliment! I am trying to pay attention to you! But when I hear that noise, I only hear that noise.)

Don't touch my hair lightly, I know you do it just to annoy me. But, it does make me feel like my whole body needs to be "reset." Sometimes it's hard for me to "reset" because I have to methodically flex all my muscles from my forehead, behind my ears, down my neck, my shoulders, arms and fingers down my back, through my hips and down my legs to my toes. It has to happen in a perfect wave. This is hard to do, sometimes it takes me a couple of tries. DO NOT INTERRUPT ME, DO NOT TALK OR TOUCH ME DO NOT MAKE FUN OF HOW I LOOK WHILE RECOVERING FROM YOUR RUDE ACTION. If said wave doesn't happen -- I feel off, I feel stuck, I hate this.

After work, if I look tired, if I have also told you I am starting to feel hungry and am being quiet:

1) The DOs are easy: Stay calm and quiet, let me have my space (which includes the "air" space: sounds, temperatures, drafts).

2) The DONTS list way too long. They result in horrible frustration (that I may not be able to recover from until tomorrow, when I wake up). They may result in your feelings getting hurt (although I will have warned you, with my body language and with my words). But, if you want to know: Do not talk or try to start a conversation about anything especially if it is important (it sounds like an annoying drone, it sounds like the howl from a jet -- or I will be so hyperfocused you will never win with how quickly I spin the situation around, my goal after all is to get you to shut up so, I will unfortunately probably hurt your feelings--I will have warned you plenty before this happens), Do not surf radio or tv stations, Do not touch me, Do not ask me how I am, Do not ask how my day went, Do not mess with the "air" (e.g. opening my window, turning on the AC/Heater w/o notifying me -- in this state it is ok to let me know what is going to happen, like "I am going to turn on the AC" or "Can I roll down the window?" is acceptable), Do not ask me what I want to eat, Do not ask me what I'm in the mood for. And most of all, if I have communicated my tiredness, frustration and hunger MORE THAN ONCE, AND HAVE SAID 'IM SORRY FOR _____(snapping at you, etc)," YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO GET MAD AT ME!!! DO NOT GET ANGRY DO NOT TAKE ANYTHING I SAY PERSONALLY... Do NOT bring this instance up again to me, or what I said to you (chances are, I don't remember what you said and what I said back, chances are I didn't even believe what I was saying)...Do NOT make it an issue. I take responsibility for me, but you need to take responsibility for you (and what I'm asking you is a lot easier than what you're asking of me). So, don't be surprised if your seemingly friendly "push" for conversation is returned back with a fierce "shove" for stopping it. If you decide to try an engage me, don't be surprised if I'm pleasant one moment and a badger the next moment (probably depending on subject). I tried to warn you and after having this discussion fifty billion times I am tired of it, will you ever just understand -- I don't like the monster I become, and if it happens you could really help me by laughing with me about how ridiculous I was, as long as you can see the humor, too.

Do not ask me, "what made you think of that?" If I have a random thought/question. I will either not remember how I went from our topic of convo. to said random thing and will feel stupid I don't. Or, If I feel "on" and "present", you better be ready for a conversation (sometimes very lengthy) for you to understand how my brain jumped.

Do not get offended if I don't have an answer for you straight away. Sometimes I'm spending so much effort listening, I'm not thinking about what you staid. I may need a couple of days to process it, but I assure you -- I will address it in the future.

Sometimes time means nothing sometimes it means everything --- sometimes 15 seconds can feel like years while a week is equivalent to a blink... I like to be a courteous on-time person (as people who are late makes me anxious, and I can't relax) so ....... DO bare with me if I'm obsessive about looking at the clock and obsessive about making sure I'm a few minutes early (I have gotten better, I used to have to be 30 min early!).

If you want me to do something, please make it easy for me -- who will be there? will there be food? If it's an event, do drive, do pick me up: otherwise I might flake out (and it may not just be anxiety, I may have just gotten caught in a "fog" or I may just be happy and enjoying a "daydream" -- I may just be looking at a book, I may just be loving my cat, I may be following ants, etc).

Do apologize if you badly wrong me (e.g. embarrass me in front of our employer, tell coworkers I waste time, accuse me of doing drugs on the job, ruin my things without admittance). If you mean it, I can tell and you won't regret it. I will totally forgive you, and love you even more.

Hum... yeah, I need to work on being concise. I know I wouldn't read the above!

Good job all of you for posting your dos and dont's. Insightful and Humorous and Well thought out.

Last edited by βĩο₱Ħعℓĩᶏ; 06-09-10 at 12:45 AM.. Reason: i didn't want it to sound like I was saying "good job" for reading the post because I wasn't.
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  #183  
Old 06-09-10, 01:35 AM
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Re: Dos and Don't with an AD/HDer

Do realize that the AD/HDers you have in your life may be the most resilient people you'll ever know. We just move on because we don't have any other choice.

Please don't remind us that a current mistake is just like a past mistake. One thing that keeps us going is the hope that true change will come if we keep plugging away at it.

We REALLY resent being descibed as "like having another child".

If you want us to remember something, you'll have to approach us on our terms, because this is a difficult thing. Give us the time to write it down, put it in our planner, type it into our PDA.

Although yelling and browbeating us will get you immediate results by the stimulation, in the long run we will resent you for it.
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  #184  
Old 06-09-10, 02:25 AM
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Re: Dos and Don't with an AD/HDer

I read through the rest of the thread - fantastic stuff that inspired a few more:

If I come out with car keys in hand, ready to go, don't ask me "are you going to wear that?" Of course I was going to wear what I'm wearing! I'd rather you tell it how it is "I don't like what you are wearing" or "You look like crap" rather than thinking you can manipulate me into dressing how you want by asking me that stupid question.

If you have a beef with me about something, don't lead up to it with bull**** Socratic questions. If you think you can lead me to some conclusion by a series of brilliantly crafted questions, you must realize that especially in an argument my mind is racing so I've anticipated and answered your series of questions and see what you are complaining about before you're halfway done with your first stupid question?

Don't ask me "what am I supposed to think" if I am forgetful or seemingly inconsiderate because I didn't do or sat something on cue. I don't know what you are supposed to think because I'm not you - what you want to think is your choice. What I'd like you to think is that I'm forgetful because I really am forgetful - no more and no less. Not forgetful because I don't care/don't love you/I'm self-centered.

If I seem improved in some area, don't ask me what took me so long. If I knew, I'd have done it a long time ago.

Pick your battles. I think excessive caffeine consumption is a little less pressing than reliably taking my kid to music lessons.

If you delegate a task to me, don't micromanage how I do something. If you need or want it done within a certain time frame, tell me so or give me a deadline.

Don't second-guess how I am doing something unless it is something that really matters. If I want to eat the dinner I cooked before I wipe the counter, that's my perogative. At the end of the day, we have a nice dinner and the counter eventually gets wiped. If the counter doesn't get wiped, then you have a valid beef.

If I have a setback, I know it sucks to be you, but don't put me in the position of comforting you if I'm the one who suffered the loss. I don't need your pity, but I could use some time to process the loss without having to prop you up.
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  #185  
Old 06-09-10, 06:02 AM
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Re: Dos and Don't with an AD/HDer

Quote:
If you have a beef with me about something, don't lead up to it with bull**** Socratic questions. If you think you can lead me to some conclusion by a series of brilliantly crafted questions, you must realize that especially in an argument my mind is racing so I've anticipated and answered your series of questions and see what you are complaining about before you're halfway done with your first stupid question?
Oh my, I HATE this...
My parents do this all the time.
My dad will want me to do something, but in a very passive-aggressive way try to get me to do it without him just telling me to...

Same goes with just conversations where he is trying to make a point about some topic. Halfway through I usually see and acknowledge his point (or want to debate it,) but even though I have already reached that point he insists on my letting him finish his point (which could go on for another 5 minutes despite the fact that I already understand his point.)
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  #186  
Old 06-09-10, 06:26 AM
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Re: Dos and Don't with an AD/HDer

Though I haven't read ALL of this thread, the beginning and ending have just about made me cry my face off. I want so badly to have my mother and husband read these to even begin to understand what they do to me when they are so hard on me. It's taken me up to the age of 40 to finally figure out what's been "wrong with me" all of these years. I finally feel like I'm not so alone, and yet I still am because the most important people in my life do not understand. My daughter and I have cried together because our brains work in such a similar fashion. I wish they could understand how much it hurts to constantly be judged when you really are trying so very hard. I medicate with Adderall, but yes, it only treats symptoms. I still wish I knew what it was like to be one of those people who are able to multi-task, and be organized all the time. I am so jealous of them. Sorry for whining, but I am an educator and this hampers my career greatly.

DO try to understand that all of this is not easy for us and when I explain that I have ADD don't tell me it's an excuse for my obvious ineptness.

DON'T yell at me for being fatalistic and saying "I'm so stupid." Sometimes I really feel that way, and it's not a cop-out.

DON'T give me chickens for Christmas because you think it's funny, like that shirt that says, "Oh look, a chicken." It hurts my feelings and I don't want to be this way. It's usually not very funny to me. (I know some of you are laughing, and it's OK, it might be very funny to you)

DO understand that if I am tired and need to concentrate on something to complete a task, that I will BITE YOUR HEAD RIGHT OFF if you interrupt me with ANYTHING. (I can't believe my children survived my grad school without meds)

Thanks to all who post here. It's better to not feel so alone, and very confirming to find so many who must live with the exact same issues.
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  #187  
Old 06-10-10, 03:32 AM
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Re: Dos and Don't with an AD/HDer

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Originally Posted by barnops View Post
Same goes with just conversations where he is trying to make a point about some topic. Halfway through I usually see and acknowledge his point (or want to debate it,) but even though I have already reached that point he insists on my letting him finish his point (which could go on for another 5 minutes despite the fact that I already understand his point.)
Oh I hate this. I hate it more when I can see their point and I know they're wrong: waiting for them to finish takes forever.
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  #188  
Old 06-10-10, 10:53 PM
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Re: Dos and Don't with an AD/HDer

This is SO me....
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  #189  
Old 06-12-10, 03:19 AM
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Re: Dos and Don't with an AD/HDer

Some of these are probably already in here but I cannot read through thirteen pages at this second, I'm way too tired. So please forgive me for repeats.

Do: Listen to me.

Don't: Blatantly ignore or stare right through me. The back of your had is not pleasant to talk to.

Don't: Interrupt me like you didn't hear all that I just said. I carefully think about everything I say so you could at least say "Yeah" or "Okay" before you start talking about how you're car is sounding like an animal or something totally stupid.

Do: Let me know if I'm rambling. Again don't ignore me. It makes me feel so much worse and awkward if you just ignore me instead of saying something remotely logical to shut me up. If you tell me in a little milder terms that I'm blabbering too much, I'll understand completely.

DON'T: Send back a one word answer text message after I just about gave my fingers the biggest workout of their lives sending a message to you. I'm sorry I talk a little too much and have quite a bit to say, but don't just say "K" or "Yeah" or "Weird" or worse "That sucks." I will bite your head off for that.

Do: If you're my friend, hang out with me. It's what friends do. I am a little awkward in the asking to hang department so you could step it up too. The ADHD really gives me a need to go out and do stuff and only something like doing something interesting like hanging out with a friend can give me a boost to do it. It wouldn't hurt.

Don't: Tell me I'm lazy for not cleaning my room. It's an organized mess just like I like it and if you forcefully clean my room one more time I will throw you out a window.

Do: Have intelligent conversations with me. I have quite a bit of knowledge and I don't want to have to make my brain work planning out all these conversations if they're just going to be about immature crap or the like.

Don't: INTERRUPT ME. Geeze. Please don't. If I'm working and you ask me a question and I don't answer, please take the hint. I'm trying to stay focused. Don't pester me until you get an answer out of me. Also please don't interrupt me to show me a birds nest or tell me to "HURRY COME HERE" to look at a bird sitting on the fence. I need to get this done. Okay. Thanks. Turn around and walk away. Good job.

Don't: Make me repeat myself. I have to enforce this one. It will make me turn from happy to an evil spawn of a monster. If you make me repeat myself more than twice I will almost self-implode. Don't get your hiney all whiney when I get a little snippy.

Don't: Embarrass me or force me into awkward social encounters. Please don't make dumb jokes about me or the things I do or even the things you do when you talk to cashiers or the neighbors. Also, please don't force me to come over and meet people you want me to meet. I really don't want to meet you're neighbor's down the streets wife, niece, 8th cousin removed, etc. I'm awkward as it is in normal situations, I don't want to be forced into a situation. I don't want to meet people, quit bringing me into those situations. Same goes for strangers. I would love to help people who are trying to fill their carts with bags of dirt or trying to load their trunk in the parking lot or go up to the random person on the street and ask for directions, but again TOO awkward. Please don't keep pestering me too and going "Come on!" and "Dew it (spelling on purpose)"

Don't: Don't keep asking me why I ask you to go into places with me that require talking to a lot of people or tellers and such. Don't keep saying "you have to start doing this on your own." I can do it on my own and I do when I'm alone, but it's much easier to have you do it when you're with me than to have me stand there like an idiot overly thinking what I am going to say and then not saying things right or talking awkwardly.

Do: Just do what I say to a reasonable extent. It usually means it helps me. I know you and you and you don't fully understand ADHD, but would you just do what I say when I ask you without fighting or asking why?

Wow that's a lot of them, I hope I didn't do too many repeats!
Sorry for it being so long!
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  #190  
Old 06-12-10, 10:22 AM
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Re: Dos and Don't with an AD/HDer

Twisty,

Very well put! WOW a beautiful post!

Thank you to all the posters on this thread. It has helped me so much. Keep them coming!
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  #191  
Old 06-12-10, 10:31 AM
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Re: Dos and Don't with an AD/HDer

This became very apparent to me yesterday:

"Don't tell me I'm not allowed to do something, because I'll want to do it even more"

This applied to many things yesterday for me, and became the theme for my day...

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  #192  
Old 06-15-10, 02:25 AM
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Re: Dos and Don't with an AD/HDer

Love these, love these, love these

My personal do's/don'ts:

Don't ever take it upon yourself to straighten up for me, or put things away. My desk might look like a tornado hit it, but I guarantee you, I know where everything is, and if you move it, I will never find it. Same goes for my purse, the LAST place I will ever think to look for it is hanging on the hook labeled "purse" next to the door. I had good intentions when I put that up, but when I came home today my brain told me it made sense to set on top of the washer in the laundry. It doesn't matter if that makes sense to you, all that matters is that I can find it.

Don't assume that neatness equals organization or vice versa. My mother's pantry is arranged by height, color, can vs box etc. It's beautiful, it could be in a magazine. Mine looks like a jumbled mess, but at least when I go to make cookies all my baking stuff is on one shelf.

Don't assume that because your Christmas/Birthday/Thank you card is month late or just plain doesn't arrive, that I don't care. I do, I probably bought it, wrote a long sappy message, put it in an envelope and promptly forgot to mail it. It will end up in my box o' unsentimental cards. If it did arrive on time, it's probably the one I bought you last year.

Do enjoy the random presents I send you/give you just because I saw it and it reminded me of you. If you don't understand what the seemingly randomly trinket could possibly have reminded me of... Ask. It's probably a good, if somewhat convoluted story.

Do realize that I may not remember what day your birthday is, unless I remembered to put it in my phone or Facebook tells me, but I may choose to celebrate some random event like the day we met or the first time we cried together over steel magnolias. I suck at the traditional, but for some reason, small, seemingly insignificant things stick like glue in my brain.

Do realize that In your darkest hour, moments of true crisis or major life events, I will ALWAYS be there. People that I don't have to pretend around that understand me, and
love me for my quirks, not in spite of them are hard to find and absolutely priceless.

Don't take offense if I drop out sight for a few days, or don't answer the phone or call you back right away. Every once in a while I get overwhelmed, and over simulated. I need quiet time to let myself fall apart in private and then put the pieces back together. I don't like anyone, even those closest to me, to see this. There's nothing you can do to fix it, or make it better. Don't try to tell me it's unhealthy, it's how I cope And it works for me. If it's emergency, call me, let the phone ring three times, hang up, wait ten seconds and call again. If you take advantage of the double ring, we are going to have serious problems.

Do realize that if we have an argument, I will do one of two things:
If I walk away, or tell you I need space, don't follow me or push me. Above all, don't touch me. I know my limits, and when I get too upset the filter between my brain and mouth disappears. My mind is running a mile a minute and if I stay, I will probably say something I really don't mean, and I don't want to hurt you. Every nerve in my body is on fire, and if you touch me, it will send me over the edge.

If i'm clear enough to talk to you, it's going to be a long conversation. I have a tendency to overthink things, and what may seem simple to you can easily become a tangled mess in my head. My brain is constantly try reconcile several thoughts at once, and as a result I may make seemingly illogical conclusions. Passive aggressive statements, allusions and *hints* are hard for me to handle, because my mind will come up with 100 different ways to interpret one statement, 99 of which will be dead wrong. The chances of me honing in on what you meant are pretty lousy. Do realize that I know this about myself, and I will ask you questions and want to talk until I know for sure what is real, and what is a product of my mind. I'm not trying to annoy you, i'm trying to understand and reassure myself.

Do realize that I look at the world in a different way, I have a hard time with details and linear thinking, but I can see patterns and visual the "big picture" in way you might not be able to. Just because you can't see something I see doesn't mean it isn't there, and just because something seems obvious to you doesn't mean It's obvious to me.

Don't assume that because I struggle with something, I have no concept of how it's done. For instance, as I said above, I see patterns easily and personally, i'm very visual. I'm actually quite good at coming up with an organizational system that's not only pretty but functional. What I suck at is implementing and maintaining it. In other words, I may be able to come with an idea and a plan, but I may need someone like you to get me started or keep me on track. But please, wait until I ask for your help.

Don't get frustrated with me if I can't teach you how do something that seems to be easy for me. Just because I can get from A to Z doesn't mean I can explain the steps in between. Literally, our minds work differently, and I understand the way you think about as well as you understand the way I think. Trust me, if you could figure out a way to explain how you manage to keep your house clean in a way that made sense to me and my kind, I know some ADDers that would nominate you for sainthood.

Don't take offense if I respond to your last statement with a completely unrelated comment. Trust me, it makes sense to me. I know I do it, and you can do one of two things, go with the flow and see if I eventually explain how it related to what you said (I may or may not) or ask me to back up a few steps, and see if we can get back on track. However, if you are the third person in a conversation, and the other two people have ADD, either walk away, or enjoy the ride... But don't expect to stay on track.

I have an NT friend who like to play "six degrees of ADD" when her ADD husband and I have a long conversation. She writes down all of our topics in the order they were discussed, and then tries to go back and figure out the unspoken leaps of logic we make between topics. It's interesting to watch her try and figure out what makes perfect sense
to him and me, and she swears it helps her understand him better. Then she takes the first and last topic, and writes what she thinks would a "logical" progression between the two. She gets a point for every leap she figures out, and we get one for every "logical" step we get right. So far, we've beat her every time, but she's getting closer and closer.
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  #193  
Old 06-15-10, 08:56 AM
Koilo1 Koilo1 is offline
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Re: Dos and Don't with an AD/HDer

Please don't use keywords based off my symptoms when talking to me! I thought I was imagining things when someone I was talking to started emphasizing that something needed attention - and then later said she didn't want me to get distracted et cetra.

I actually found it hilarious as well, but overall slightly negative =)
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  #194  
Old 06-15-10, 12:18 PM
twisty twisty is offline
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Re: Dos and Don't with an AD/HDer

Irishrose,

Great Dos/Donts! I could have written almost all of them! I definitely feel you on the organizational ones. My mother has a habit of sneaking into my room and cleaning it spotless (she's extremely obsessive-compulsive when it comes to cleaning and keeping things neat) and organizing it to a neat and tidy organized spot-free living space. I about have a nervous break down. I have to literally scream at her to leave my room when she starts cleaning. I hate getting hostile, but I almost go insane myself trying to find everything. I hate that the most.

I also highly agree with the visualizing the "big picture" differently than others. I experience this quite often. I never could put words together to describe how I use this to my advantage. Whenever I'm in a bind or need to really think something out, I will stop, calm myself down for a second, clear my mind and like go into my "mind mode." Since I am a HUGE, HUGE visualizer, this works pretty good. In my head I sort of step away from my body and zoom out really far and examine the whole picture intensely. That's the only way I can describe it. That usually helps me when I've lost something or I am trying to figure something out, etc.

Good post irishrose!
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  #195  
Old 06-15-10, 03:02 PM
Irishrose79 Irishrose79 is offline
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Re: Dos and Don't with an AD/HDer

Twisty,
ahh, just thinking about your mom cleaning your room makes me feel a little panicky. It's awesome to hear that you can relate to the big picture thing, and comforting to know that I'm not the only one who can't exactly put it into words. I've found a way to describe most everything I experience in a way that my "normal" can understand, but I've never been able to come up with an analogy that accurately describes it. I know how it's different because when I'm on my meds the "pictures" are less clear, and every once in awhile they go away completely. While I appreciate the myriad of ways my meds benefit me, I can only go so long without this "gift" before I have to take a med break.
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