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  #16  
Old 12-04-16, 07:37 AM
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Re: Nothing works out for me


I could call this an 'accomplishment' which might sound hilarious to you,but I had broken away from my shell and made an effort to strike up a conversation with an old college crush who's now a successful entrepreneur.I even asked her out for a beer to which she readily agreed but never came Over a period of time say 2 months we had been chatted up regularly and I once asked if we could date.I'm generally open about my feelings and tell someone that I like them(without sounding desperate,swear) Her answer was simple but shattering.Something on the likes of "no there's no attraction"
I thought I was a fairly decent guy and dont exactly look like a pig.Anyway today she's happily dating someone who's a doctor with fancy degrees and what not.Good for them. And I'm here clapping and congratulating people getting hitched. Of course I've been seeing other women that I've already mentioned but never had any luck except heartbreaks. I come across people my age dating beautiful women so easily,and I wonder why was I destined to suck so much like I do in all other aspects of life.Its beyond depressing.
Am I a textbook definition of a loser? I might as well laminate a wallpaper with the words 'here lives a successful record breaking loser' or something. I mean over my late teenage years it was all fun and games and no hard feelings but as you grow you mature enough to understand the subtlety of life.
You could be the best person you possibly can be but still you cannot force attraction at gunpoint.At best you could take the horse to the water and just hope it drinks you know.I now more than realize this truth.I think I was much more happier when I wasn't seeing anyone and all the efforts put in was just absolute bull**** and has had me on a breaking point.Im disturbed enough that if a maiden were to suddenly appear out of thin air I might tell her to buzz off and let me be.IMO if I take a gun and try to off myself Id fail at that too.
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  #17  
Old 12-14-16, 06:13 PM
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Re: Nothing works out for me

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Originally Posted by madmax988 View Post
Speaking only from the point of dating/love
No one.Simply NO ONE seems to stick with me or get particularly attracted to me for reasons unknown. Im not a repulsive guy in the least,fun to talk to with a good personality. I've over the recent years come out of the shell and started asking out girls for dates or to just plain hang out,but it seems like cupid has a personal vendetta against me. Im not awkward and reasonably confident plus a patient listener.

I'd recently been involved with a very wonderful girl,though it was long distance she seemed really charmed and interested at first but since pursuing her doctorate she's busy with exam preps and still trying to get over a recent breakup. I do like her a lot,but it seems cupid just came down and said "you're on your own buddy" and disappeared. All the women either want to be just friends or are already seeing someone. The girl I liked,it seems she led me on and just makes out with her male besties randomly and it punched a hole in my heart with an exit wound.(though I didn't want that to happen)She reasons its just a 'physical thing' and Im the one who actually melts her but I'm not buying any of it.Needless to say being a virgin at 28 is downright depressing and I feel as though I'll continue to be so till I'm 40 or something. I'm not desperate,but I don't appreciate the fact that Im just sickly unlucky,in EVERY aspect of life and it's just grinding me down. Any sort of a romantic relationship ends up in the dirt or just derails quickly.Is this really the end of the road for me?

Then there was an another one who did like me,and I liked her a lot,she was really gorgeous but she was a divorcee with a kid That's just a cruel joke fate played on me,I'm simply not ready or able to take that kind of a responsibility but she got hitched recently so good for her.I'm officially always friend-zoned and it seems if you're a reasonably good person,has adhd and talks politely you're automatically put in the good guys finish last category.I'd really need help with some advice on how to cope with all this,instead of the "everyone goes through it" rhetoric my ex seems to come up with.
Maybe you're going after the wrong type of women? Idk, one reoccurring theme I've noticed from my personal 'love life' and from reading posts on this subforum is that we tend to attract quite the toxic individuals into our lives, manipulators tend to seek us out because we (both men and women adders) tend to be waaaay too trusting and forgiving of people that are undeserving of it.

Also if you're looking for 'quality women' at your local sports bar then that could be part of your problem, I'm starting to believe that quality people in general you will not find in the city, people who live out in flyoverville still have those wholesome and innocent qualities.

There was an article that came out not too recently about being young and single in Manhattan, in summary that city is only for those who wish to live the hedonistic lifestyle.

Popular culture will have you convinced if it feels good then "do it" in the streets, it's perfectly ok to still act like a 20 yr old even in your 50's.
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  #18  
Old 12-15-16, 11:34 AM
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Re: Nothing works out for me

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Maybe you're going after the wrong type of women? Idk, one reoccurring theme I've noticed from my personal 'love life' and from reading posts on this subforum is that we tend to attract quite the toxic individuals into our lives, manipulators tend to seek us out because we (both men and women adders) tend to be waaaay too trusting and forgiving of people that are undeserving of it.
Hi,I totally agree man.Yes we do have this vulnerability to attract people who often aren't exactly concerned with the best of our interest.I'm very wary of this and try to be careful.but then I've no other choice but to keep my mind open and receptive to new people.Except for a few rotten apples here and there(as in very spiteful people)the women I'd seen have generally been kind and understanding but still 'elusive' as in no vibe,no sense of attraction or charm.I've worked around my anxiety issues a lot though.I do get a sense of "missing the bus" sometimes. But on the flipside I've been seeing a lot of my buddies either breaking up or remaining single suddenly.Idk things are a little difficult to grasp in my head for now. Stopped thinking too much about it.
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  #19  
Old 12-15-16, 12:16 PM
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Re: Nothing works out for me

madmax988, a number of your posts in this thread, including your opening post, display a clear tendency toward a black-or-white, all-or-nothing thinking style.

In my experience, this kind of approach is of no benefit in any area of life, but nowhere is its detriment more apparent than in the area of personal relationships, romantic and otherwise.


Cheers,
Ian
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  #20  
Old 12-15-16, 06:50 PM
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Re: Nothing works out for me

Long distance dating isn't dating, build some social energy. Take care of yourself and start going out. Get out of scarcity or you'll come off as needy, no one wants to date someone whos needy.
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  #21  
Old 12-16-16, 09:11 AM
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Re: Nothing works out for me

yeap have been told this numerous times before. trust me to over-analyze and dissect every little thing(which is of no particular help in the end) it gets difficult to just 'go with the flow' and keep turning back. I could definitely do with a break from this pattern
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  #22  
Old 01-16-17, 12:27 PM
icantbelive93 icantbelive93 is offline
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Re: Nothing works out for me

I'm sorry you're going through this. Try and just be friends with girls without expecting anything. My boyfriend and I were just friends for a little over a year before it became romantic. Have you tried asking friends or family you know well if you're sending some "off-turning" vibes? If you do ask this don't get defensive if they mention something. Sometimes we don't see things we are doing that others around us see. If you can maybe seek out a good therapist. Maybe you have some issues that need dealing with before you can attract someone. I hope things get better for you
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  #23  
Old 01-16-17, 12:36 PM
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Re: Nothing works out for me

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Originally Posted by madmax988 View Post
yeap have been told this numerous times before. trust me to over-analyze and dissect every little thing(which is of no particular help in the end) it gets difficult to just 'go with the flow' and keep turning back. I could definitely do with a break from this pattern
Over-analyzing can be both a good and bad thing. I know this easy to say and way harder to do but try and not over-analyze so much. I'm not saying stop completely. Give yourself 10 minutes (or more) a day to analyze the situation (without judging yourself) and the rest of the time don't let your brain overthink stuff. It might take a lot of practice but just keep trying.
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  #24  
Old 02-05-17, 10:02 AM
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Re: Nothing works out for me

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Originally Posted by icantbelive93 View Post
Try and just be friends with girls without expecting anything. My boyfriend and I were just friends for a little over a year before it became romantic. Have you tried asking friends or family you know well if you're sending some "off-turning" vibes? If you do ask this don't get defensive if they mention something. Sometimes we don't see things we are doing that others around us see.
Yes there are women I hang out with as friends,no doubt they are good friends. The problem is it doesn't develop into anything more than that.I struggle with depression a LOT and lately it has worsened including nasty mood swings(Im seeing my doc again soon)

Regarding off -turning vibes.. well I carry myself quite well with a good posture,genuineness.Infact women enjoy my company and are have told me they felt comfortable being with me.Talking skills have improved significantly,i can concentrate better in conversations;nothing sky shattering but pretty good nevertheless.(brownie points here)

You mentioned being friends with the guy who you're in a relationship with.Im glad it worked out for you.I do have a tendency to rush things which is something that needs correcting...like even if we share mutual interests and outlooks it always starts and ends there without going anywhere much. Plus Im puzzled about many dating gurus online who stress on not being "friends" if one needs any romantic interest to possibly develop.As they say once in the friendzone,always in friendzone.This I dont agree 100% but having experienced this crap firsthand it gets slippery as to how and where things go without turning out awkward at the end.Love and romance has to be mutual.PERIOD.I mean one person putting effort doesn't work.

Had tried various dating apps lately but they've been pathetic so far TBH.No matches,no luck. Im staying away from them for a very long time.I've had better luck meeting someone new via word of mouth,mutual friends etc so its best sticking to that I guess. I've forgotten being happy lately.Dunno whats it like...better to take one step at a time than building 2 pillars and watching them fall you know.
thanks a ton for helping out and taking my rant
Off for a smoke lol
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  #25  
Old 02-23-17, 09:13 PM
Nelson1967 Nelson1967 is offline
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Re: Nothing works out for me

Do not take it wrong married life can be hell cause some have no idea how it is to ADHD
Divorced 7 years ago cause he got to be a alcoholic abuser
My kids both want no mate or kids yet
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  #26  
Old 10-25-17, 03:07 AM
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Re: Nothing works out for me

so I've been close friend with this girl for more than an year. She's around 7 years younger (I dont mind that bit since we hit it off quite well) and very smart, highly opinionated. I once out of curiosity asked her if it was a good idea to date.. after a while her reply was a no, stating that she doesn't see a future with me. It was disappointing to hear that since we used to talk a lot and met a couple of times too. Agreed we both are very busy in our respective careers and hardly get time except maybe weekends. But her bone of contention was the age difference. I accepted it and have moved on(we're still good friends and support each other) I absolutely do not blame anyone since she has the right to her choices and her best interests.

I've tried building some social energy and interactions and to an extent this has helped boost my confidence and social skills. Its easier for me to introspect and not be so judgemental on myself. It gets better to be open and accepting to newer people and not be anxiety ridden all the time. It is OK to stammer or go off track in conversations sometimes. It is ok to be rejected continuously.

But it surely sucks to be in the "friendzone" ... Im so used to hearing 'we can be good friends' 'im sure there's someone special waiting for you' 'you're a good guy you'll find someone' etc etc. And all of them are hitched. Well good for them,they're just lucky. I've no regrets.

I need some good suggestions.
1) Should I accept my fate and blame it on some of my ADHD traits? On the contrary ADHD traits can be strangely attractive to some people and draw them like magnets. I haven't yet come across anyone who had been particularly 'swooned' away by my quirks. Maybe stand out for good or worse but that's about it nothing more.

2) In place where I live arranged marriage is extremely common. But to me 1) Im not looking to marry 2) Don't want to start a family and screw up even more than I already have 3) to me its incredibly stupid that someone else especially elders take it on themselves to find you a good match and get you hitched "for your best interest" If they weren't there for you in times of struggle who are they to interfere? There's no one in or around the family whom I trust to look up to or share personal matters. Calling them judgemental is an understatement.

3) Is it generally this hard to find someone and avoid being friend zoned? Being single at almost 30 not by choice but by circumstances is just painful.

4) One of life's cold facts is if you put yourself 'out there' to meet new people you gotta be ready to face rejections. Also your 'crush' or whoever isn't obliged to like you back if there's no attraction. But if there's a continuous pattern repeating itself maybe I have to take a hard look why Im falling behind.

5) Its an emotionally draining exercise. There is a lingering feeling of being alienated which is the most toxic.

6) Now that I have sorted out my career and doing good at it I have been told numerous times that all other things will 'take care of themselves' This is just hogwash. Real life hasn't worked that way

I'l be discussing these aspects with my therapist to see if there's something that can be done. But what do I do to deal with chronic pattern? Stop dating altogether?

Last edited by namazu; 10-25-17 at 05:37 AM.. Reason: Please avoid using the word "retarded" as a pejorative; in the U.S. at least, some people consider it to be offensive.
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  #27  
Old 10-25-17, 09:36 AM
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Re: Nothing works out for me

I would like to point out some things which stuck out to me in your posts. I hope you will not be offended as this is meant to be constructive, but it might sting. I apologize ahead of time, because receiving constructive criticism isn't something we ADDers do so well, is it?

As a woman who dates other women I feel I may have some unique insights here which may offer you some help. I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of being pursued as well as being the pursuer of other women. First, I agree that you do seem to be the common denominator here, which means that it is actually quite likely that it has something to do with you or the vibes you give off. It is highly unlikely to have anything to do with luck.

First thing I would strongly advise you to do is to drop the idea of the "friend zone." The very idea suggests that women only exist to have a relationship or sex with you and are not worthy (or less so) as friends. It is toxic to yourself as well as to the women you encounter. Gaining a friend is an achievement and something to be proud of, several people struggle hard to even make one friend. You seem to be making them left and right. Way to go!

On a related note, you are clearly desperate to get into a relationship and you are likely subconsciously giving off those vibes. Trust me, women can feel it even if you don't think you're showing it, and it's a huge red flag. This is a total cliché, I know, but you truly need to be happy being on your own before you can enter a relationship. Relationships are not easy and in order to be successful and healthy they require two mature, well-adjusted people.

You also seem to bear some resentment towards others who are in successful relationships, which is not nice towards them or healthy for yourself. I know it can be difficult watching other people be more successful with seemingly less effort, but try to be happy for them. It will actually help you be more happy with yourself, which will work towards becoming a person who women want to date!

In short, perhaps you should take a break from dating and focus on what you would need to truly be happy right now without a relationship. It seems dating right now may be a detriment to your happiness, which will turn into a negative feedback loop. What are other things you dream of doing in life? Focus on them and when you truly feel happy with your life as it is, then other people will want a more intimate part of it as well.

I am glad that you are going to talk to your therapist about this. I hope you will figure out a way to be happy and guarantee that you will find someone to share your life with after you do.
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  #28  
Old 10-26-17, 12:08 AM
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Re: Nothing works out for me

I'll tell you how to do it if you have ADHD social quirks. Money and career is the short-cut; if you're going well there, results are highly likely.

If you're doing well with money and/or achievements, I would find it to be very unusual if you're not doing well with women. Men in particular can essentially base all of their market value (dating is like a market) on what they do. If what you do has merit, that is a short-cut for getting past ADHD or autistic quirks. Women see a guy with an advancing career or good degree and will look past the rest, so long as you don't have a terrible personality (I don't see that here, just some natural frustration.)

If you have that part of the equation down, again, I'd be very surprised if you can't get any positive female attention.

Certainly the inverse is never true. Of all the autistic men (and usually, the same with ADHD men) I've conversed on the internet with, no fewer than 99% of them had strong educational credentials or at least a good job. Invariably, 99% of those without college education and/or without a job, were essentially completely skipped over and very bitter about their luck with women. It's a shame but this is a life where you get back what you contribute in a competitive society, and that's how it works for men with dating.
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  #29  
Old 10-26-17, 07:03 AM
madmax988 madmax988 is offline
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Re: Nothing works out for me

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Originally Posted by OyVeyKitty View Post
I would like to point out some things which stuck out to me in your posts. I hope you will not be offended as this is meant to be constructive, but it might sting. I apologize ahead of time, because receiving constructive criticism isn't something we ADDers do so well, is it?

As a woman who dates other women I feel I may have some unique insights here which may offer you some help. I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of being pursued as well as being the pursuer of other women. First, I agree that you do seem to be the common denominator here, which means that it is actually quite likely that it has something to do with you or the vibes you give off. It is highly unlikely to have anything to do with luck.

First thing I would strongly advise you to do is to drop the idea of the "friend zone." The very idea suggests that women only exist to have a relationship or sex with you and are not worthy (or less so) as friends. It is toxic to yourself as well as to the women you encounter. Gaining a friend is an achievement and something to be proud of, several people struggle hard to even make one friend. You seem to be making them left and right. Way to go!

On a related note, you are clearly desperate to get into a relationship and you are likely subconsciously giving off those vibes. Trust me, women can feel it even if you don't think you're showing it, and it's a huge red flag. This is a total cliché, I know, but you truly need to be happy being on your own before you can enter a relationship. Relationships are not easy and in order to be successful and healthy they require two mature, well-adjusted people.

You also seem to bear some resentment towards others who are in successful relationships, which is not nice towards them or healthy for yourself. I know it can be difficult watching other people be more successful with seemingly less effort, but try to be happy for them. It will actually help you be more happy with yourself, which will work towards becoming a person who women want to date!

In short, perhaps you should take a break from dating and focus on what you would need to truly be happy right now without a relationship. It seems dating right now may be a detriment to your happiness, which will turn into a negative feedback loop. What are other things you dream of doing in life? Focus on them and when you truly feel happy with your life as it is, then other people will want a more intimate part of it as well.

I am glad that you are going to talk to your therapist about this. I hope you will figure out a way to be happy and guarantee that you will find someone to share your life with after you do.
Thank you. And thanks for lending an ear.. I'l keep these points in mind for sure. Especially the second last para. btw no it did not sting in the least
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  #30  
Old 10-26-17, 07:30 AM
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Re: Nothing works out for me

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If you're doing well with money and/or achievements, I would find it to be very unusual if you're not doing well with women. Men in particular can essentially base all of their market value (dating is like a market) on what they do. If what you do has merit, that is a short-cut for getting past ADHD or autistic quirks. Women see a guy with an advancing career or good degree and will look past the rest, so long as you don't have a terrible personality (I don't see that here, just some natural frustration.)

If you have that part of the equation down, again, I'd be very surprised if you can't get any positive female attention.
beats me too. Nor is it so that I come from a demographically poor surrounding. The place I am from is cosmopolitan (relatively modern, good nightlife, young,educated age group etc)
Well I run a successful entrepreneurship in console gaming and earn pretty decent for myself. (No degree and no job, crippling LD issues) so theoretically that should still sort it out for me. Infact I've been complimented for having a good personality so if that is taken care of as well, the odds should be heavily in my favor.
I could understand incase of a criminal past or even creepy/stalkish behaviour. But it isnt so. Maybe unintentional bad vibes or no vibes but bad vibes> being creepy imo!
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