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  #106  
Old 04-26-17, 11:28 PM
Letching Gray Letching Gray is offline
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

Way to go Herms! Not being bound by compulsions/addictions is worth the fight. Happy for you
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  #107  
Old 05-03-17, 04:03 AM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

I do feel an urge to start dating again. Trying to get the reasons for that clear to myself leads me to a number of different reasons I have. One is that I'm looking for excitement. Dating and finding new love can be an exciting period in life. That's a strong pull for me. Another thing is that I want to prove to myself that I can. I want to show that I can apply the principles I've learned in recovery.

Those all sound like valid reasons to me, but I also know that there are good reasons to wait. First, I want to finish my thesis before putting myself to the test again. If things go wrong that would have serious consequences for my study. Second, I think there is still a lot to learn in the SLAA program. Actually I think it would be wise to at least finish the 4th and 5th step before starting to date. So yeah, I'll wait, as difficult as it is.
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  #108  
Old 05-03-17, 09:20 AM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

The power of the excitement of a new relationship drove me to the depths of despair
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  #109  
Old 05-03-17, 09:35 AM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

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Originally Posted by Letching Gray View Post
The power of the excitement of a new relationship drove me to the depths of despair
Everything exciting can be too much. Whether that's dating and new relationships or anything else. In my point of view the art of dealing with that is not to deny ourself the excitement, but to learn how to deal with it in a skillful way. I don't think I would want to start a relationship with someone I wouldn't be excited about. Passion is not everything, but waking up next to somebody and thinking: "well, I'm not really excited about her, but being with her is bearable" to me also doesn't seem right. I think the choice of being alone is better than the choice for commitment to a partner you don't feel passion towards and have a deep intimate bond with.
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  #110  
Old 05-03-17, 10:22 AM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

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Originally Posted by Hermus View Post
Everything exciting can be too much. Whether that's dating and new relationships or anything else. In my point of view the art of dealing with that is not to deny ourself the excitement, but to learn how to deal with it in a skillful way. I don't think I would want to start a relationship with someone I wouldn't be excited about. Passion is not everything, but waking up next to somebody and thinking: "well, I'm not really excited about her, but being with her is bearable" to me also doesn't seem right. I think the choice of being alone is better than the choice for commitment to a partner you don't feel passion towards and have a deep intimate bond with.
I thought the exact same thing. Don't force me to love her! She's not my type. Nice girl but nothing more.

Recovery isn't about depriving me of glorious, exciting, robust, sensual love. No sir. It is about just the opposite. How to embrace that type of wonder and remain free of trying to find it with every pretty girl I come into contact with is where it's at for me. Not allowing that kind of relationship to get watered down through my addiction to keep finding new experiences just like it, that is recovery for me.

IOW, I couldn't find or maintain that kind of awesome relationship if I was getting drunk every day. I wouldn't, I couldn't be involved in something so good while destroying myself with alcohol. Same thing with a great relationship.
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  #111  
Old 05-03-17, 11:39 AM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

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I thought the exact same thing. Don't force me to love her! She's not my type. Nice girl but nothing more.
One of the things I did do in the past was settling for someone when passion was lacking. I didn't even find some of my partners physically attractive. Believe me, that always shows. And it's insulting to both parties involved. How insulting is it for a woman to realize the guy she has shared the most intimate physical experiences with actually is physically abhorred by her? How insulting is it to myself to have sex with someone I'd rather not be with in that way? It's not everything of course, and not even the most important thing, but it is one of the things that has to match.

Quote:
Recovery isn't about depriving me of glorious, exciting, robust, sensual love. No sir. It is about just the opposite. How to embrace that type of wonder and remain free of trying to find it with every pretty girl I come into contact with is where it's at for me. Not allowing that kind of relationship to get watered down through my addiction to keep finding new experiences just like it, that is recovery for me.


Quote:
IOW, I couldn't find or maintain that kind of awesome relationship if I was getting drunk every day. I wouldn't, I couldn't be involved in something so good while destroying myself with alcohol. Same thing with a great relationship.
Oh believe me, I know this. I have had experiences with awesome, beautiful, kind women. Often when I was drunk I treated them like dirt. Which I deeply regret.
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  #112  
Old 05-03-17, 04:32 PM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hermus View Post
I do feel an urge to start dating again. Trying to get the reasons for that clear to myself leads me to a number of different reasons I have. One is that I'm looking for excitement. Dating and finding new love can be an exciting period in life. That's a strong pull for me. Another thing is that I want to prove to myself that I can. I want to show that I can apply the principles I've learned in recovery.

Those all sound like valid reasons to me, but I also know that there are good reasons to wait. First, I want to finish my thesis before putting myself to the test again. If things go wrong that would have serious consequences for my study. Second, I think there is still a lot to learn in the SLAA program. Actually I think it would be wise to at least finish the 4th and 5th step before starting to date. So yeah, I'll wait, as difficult as it is.
Sounds like a good plan!!
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