New Relationship Stress

[brandnewquiet]

Hi All,

I am a non-ADD individual with depression/anxiety/mild ptsd who has just started to date a guy with ADD a week and a half ago. From what ive read, relationships with the ADD/Non-ADD dynamic can be challenging (but rewarding). However, the issues I face make it difficult for me to set healthy boundaries, to see when I am being mistreated or not (i will feel bad about something, but struggle to figure out if its my problem or something that is truly an issue outside of my head), and I have a tendency to get very focused on my partner, putting myself out and getting drained if I dont feel I get the same back. Sooo, that obviously complicates things. That said, here is the story:

He contacted me a week and a half ago on a dating site. We clicked instantly. He actually took the time to read about me and make real conversation and was visibly excited to talk to me. Ive been having a lot of trouble with cryptic men,which causes me a lot of pain and axiety (i default assume its because they think im not worth it,etc)...so I was thrilled to hear from someone who was outward about his thoughts. Within a few hours, we were texting nonstop. That night, when i got out of work (as he was going in...he works overnights temporarily) we talked on the phone. I stayed up keeping him company at work until 5am. We both seemed smitten. Compliments and over the top hopes for our relationship went wild from there, on both sides. I loved that he didnt make me guess how he felt. I loved that he made it clear, through his actions, he wanted to talk to me.

So, a few days later I drive out to him (he lives 1.5 hours away...another issue...i normally wouldnt get involved with that but he seemed like a special enough guy to make an exception) and we spend the day together. Sadly, he had been up all night working and i had to leave to work all night. The schedule is a big issue because we are always exhausted and he gets even more distracted when tired. Of course, you dont think as clearly and are a bit crabby when youre tired, too, which is true for both of us.

We had a great time and everything felt as though we have known each other forever. I left ecstatic, but then got a text later about slowing down... that he just got out of an engagement 5 months ago and jumping as intensely as we were is overwhelming. Im at work, so i get really upset we are having this important convo via text and not in person or over the phone. I also feel hurt and freaked out because he was the one who initiated all of that talking. It was hard for me not to think he met me and liked me less, since it came out after our date. I asked him to clarify but he kept saying his feelings were obvious and everything was fine. Then he passed out, leaving me to harp on it all night while I worked.

Since then, all the loving and attentive comments have stopped. The talks about our future, for the most part, have stopped. Now, he falls asleep a lot during the day missing times he says he is going to call. To me, all of this looks like a loss of interest. I bring it up, more than i should, because i dont feel like i get a satisfactory answer. He keeps saying his feelings should be obvious. Im not sure if theres something wrong with me, because they arent. I feel like i havent known him long enough, and his disposition has changed so drastically, that why would i possibly assume things were the same? Half the time, he seems to get upset with himself for dropping the ball, as he says. For example, he will say hes going to call me back at 4 then ill be waiting 45 minutes, get mad, and then he feels guilty. To me, it feels like im not interesting enough for him to remember to call me...especially since last week all he seemed to want to do was talk to me. He apologizes, says he will work on it, then does the same thing again hours later. Then i feel like an idiot for waiting around, wasting valuable time when im not a priority. Other times, he gets mad and defensive and says we wont work if i dont take him how he is. That is soooo confusing, because i never know which side he is gonna show. It makes me frustrated because I put myself out there, go to visit him, etc. And he cant even call when he says he will. Ive made it clear i want to understand and work with him, but he goes back and forth on that too. It doesnt seem fair, though, that he expects me to call when i say, to drive to him (he cant drive to me because of a medical issue, which he didnt tell me til after our first date which makes me worried), and to let him know when im busy so he doesnt worry if i dont answer. Im only asking for the same respect, but i get a lecture on not taking him for who he is.

He never thanks me for coming out to him, either, but when i ask if he wants me there he seems hurt. But i cant help but feel worried, can i? It looks bad for me to put in all this effort without getting any affirmation anymore about his feelings. He thinks i should know, like weve been together forever, but we havent.

He also talks A LOT. He very rarely asks about me. He goes thirty miles a minute about all the hobbies he wants to share with me. Sometimes, that makes me feel like he just wants someone to listen, not that he really cares that its me. When i tell him things about me, he listens but never asks questions (makes me feel like hes appeasing me) or ties it back to him. I like him a lot, so it hurts to think he doesnt want to know me deeply. When ive asked what he likes about me, for some assurance, he says "everything, i dont know how to describe it". He seems to at least think he really likes me, but i dont know.

I really like him. In my heart, i think his behavior isnt because of his feelings, but at the same time its not fair for me to make ALL the concessions. He is talking about moving even further away (by necessity) and assuming ill make the drive with no plan to find out if he can start driving to me soon. He has even asked, if he pays for gas, if i will drive him to see his friends (me being invited, obviously) to an event once a month. I guess that means he sees me in his life, but i cant get rid of the gnawing thought of if hed do the same for me, if he could?

In person, he holds my hand, cuddles with me, kisses me. Granted, the kissing and cuddling dont happen as much as i want, but to be fair, i imagine lying around cuddling can be kind of torturousfor someone with ADD. When we watch movies or shows, though, hes always holding my hand.

It hurts me that he says things like...if you feel like you need to change me then this isnt going to work. I dont feel like asking for respect in the same ways he asks for it from me is asking him to change. He said he will try more (though he has said that before and never acted in a way that makes me feel better) and to give him time, he will show me more. Im just dumbfounded why it was so easy for him to be emotional with me the first few days we talked and now he is putting up all these walls. It also hurts that im willing to be making more effort and work on it, when im the one getting hurt. He doesnt take his meds, either, I just feel like he has no interest in working to make this more functional. Im not about to demand he takes meds if he feels theres a good reason not to, but i worry this means its always going to be me working with him, not us working together. I feel like im not worth it to him to want to keep me, and i feel like im not asking a lot. I dont want to lose him, but i cant keep feeling like i dont matter.

Please, please, please give your input on if this is workable. Any advice on how i can understand and look at this differently so i dont get hurt? Is there a way for me to get the validation i desire without asking for it and stressing him out? How do i talk to him when im frustrated without him feeling alienated?

With gratitude,
Brandnewquiet

[Amtram]

A week and a half is not much of an investment in time. If you're seeing problems right now, do you really want to put that much work into the relationship?

[sarahsweets]

He is giving you mixed signals. He does not seem willing to treat his adhd or you with respect. Cut your losses while you can. You can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink.

[finalcall]

...a week and a half. are you sure you aren't expecting too much too soon? Maybe just enjoy the journey for a little while without placing expectations or putting too much stock into the relationship. That may eleviate some of the stress. It sounds to me like you guys went from zero to 100mph in under 6 seconds. That's an awful lot when you are just getting to know each other.

I'd take a step back and re-evaluate the speed with which ya'll have moved in the relationship. It may be that ya'll are meant to be...but placing so much pressure on a brand new relationship straight out of the gate may kill it before it has a chance to blossom.

[finalcall]

alleviate even.

[HappyWife]

I'm surprised at the level of commitment you seem to be expecting after a week and a half. Usually the first few months are about getting to know each other to decide if you want to pursue the relationship.

I had a similar experience with my ADHD boyfriend (now husband) when we were dating in that I always went to his place and things were organized around his schedule. I too wanted him to acknowledge and thank me for my extra efforts and when I asked him about it, he told me that I was driving to his place because I liked to, not because I was making a sacrifice.

However, I learned later that he felt tremendously guilty that I was making the majority of sacrifices in our relationship so he told himself that I was doing those things because I wanted to to alleviate his guilty feelings. Occasionally, he would make broad statements about how appreciative he was that I was making so many sacrifices to be with him and that was good enough for me. Once I knew that deep down he appreciated my efforts, I no longer needed him to repeatedly tell me that.

Like you, in the first six months, I wanted to know where we stood relationship-wise but he was not forthcoming with his feelings about it. When I complained to a friend, she asked if I really needed to know what his feelings were and I realized that I didn't need to. I wanted things to be clearly defined because I'm a planner and I always want to know what's going on so I can get on with my plan-making.

Well, he's not that way. I accepted that and let it be. Now we're married. I don't think we would be had I constantly bugged him about how he felt about me and where our relationship was going and so on. Again, I'm really surprised that you need such a deep level of validation after only dating for a week and a half. That seems pretty needy to me.

He is correct that you will have to accept him for who he is if you continue dating and want things to work out. To some extent, yes, that means you might have to do some extra bending. Due to the ADD, some changes (executive functions) are very difficult or impossible for him to achieve but are easily achievable for someone without ADD. On the other hand, due to the ADD, he may excel at other things (creative) such as multi-tasking.

All relationships require compromise and things aren't always going to be split 50/50 right down the middle. Working to each other's strengths is a great way to build a relationship. In our house, I do most tasks that require executive functions while he does most tasks that require creativity and ingenuity.

My best recommendation to you would be to learn as much as you can about ADD if you continue in this relationship. For me, creating a successful relationship with my ADHD partner required a change in perception, reactions and expectations on my part. Learning about ADHD enabled me to make those changes and they made all the difference in the world. Many of the things you describe in your post seem rooted in ADD to me and a better understanding of that cognitive style would likely answer many of your questions.

Best wishes.

[spunkysmum]

I agree with most of the respondents so far who are saying that a week and a half is such a very brief amount of time after which to be taking on all this expectation and worry. Not that whirlwind courtships don't happen and that there aren't some that work out, but they are not the norm. When I sit and think about what was happening in my life a week and a half ago it seems no more remote than yesterday morning - a mere breath of time.

Not that there isn't hope here. Your guy could be backing off because he frightened himself with the strength of his initial connection to you. But if he's asking you already to chauffeur him around, do keep in mind that he could just be looking for somebody to "mommy" him or to do things for him.

What are your instincts really telling you?

[ginniebean]

This is why no one should mention their adhd immediately, it just becomes an instant problem.