Frustrated that I feel I'm slipping into the disorganization and chaos
I used to be such an organized, in-control of myself, person. I even thrive in an environment that is peaceful and semi-orderly, and I actually LIKE organizing things if I have the time. I've never been a neat-freak (lived with a roommate in college who couldn't stand even one spoon in the sink and I KNOW what over-anal neat-freaks are like!).
I know that having 3 and 8 year old kids now makes it almost impossible to keep a clean house. (My favorite quote is "cleaning the house when the kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk when it's still snowing.") Then you add a 55 year old spouse angry and in denial that he may have ADHD (inattentive type) and the house constantly looks like a tornado hit it. Things can be messy at times, but I at least like everything to have a place it's supposed to be. But I'm finding it harder and harder to even try to organize things, and I constantly get behind on even my fun, stress-relieving activities (scrapbooking and making jewelry) because I can't even seem to get my own stuff organized anymore due to feeling so overwhelmed with everything else in the house disorganized.
It's like I don't even know where to start because every day is just chasing after hubby and kids to clean up things on every horizontal surface and I find myself getting more apathetic and hopeless and letting things slip further behind. And because my home environment is anything but a relaxing, haven, my own anxiety level is chronically high seeing the 101 things that aren't getting done. Part of me throws up my arms in despair. I hate that we never invite people over because I'm far too embarrased for anyone to see how we live.
I look at my kids and see some signs of possible ADHD. Of course that fits the description of many 3 year olds anyway, although my mom says my daughter is the complete opposite of how I was as a toddler. She's contstantly on the go with all sorts of activities and toys and jumps from one to the other, always needing attention....very exhausting to keep up with....where I was the quiet, shy kid who just sat and entertained herself very calmly and peacefully. We'll see as she gets older and into school more. My son is starting 3rd grade and has tested gifted in all levels and is an intellectual couch potato like my husband. He usually zips through most homework very easily and quickly but with as little work as is needed. At school he's usually the first one done with anything but then just sits there and doesn't even try to come up with something else to do or ask the teacher. I sense some signs of the hyperfocus, lack of initiative, very low frustration tolerance.
I'm also a medical social worker/counselor and an introvert, so I know I tend to over-analyze things (often intuitive and correct, but have my moments). I've been paddling furiously upstream for so long and I feel like I'm letting go and being swept backwards. And I hate it... I'm dealing with my own chronic conditions (depression, dust mite allergies, restless legs syndrome) which are really bad right now and needing my own support. I'm just waiting for his assessment appointment (he keeps playing phone tag trying to get an appointment) so we can get a diagnosis and get into therapy....
I know I'm just venting, and I don't know if anyone out there has any encouragement and/or suggestions, but right now it feels like this (and I am reading those popular books I got from the library this past week) is the only thing I can do. At least it's cheaper than my own counseling right now, which isn't going to do much until he's willing to work on things too.