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General Parenting Issues The purpose of this forum is to discuss general parenting issues related to children with AD/HD(ADD & ADHD)

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  #61  
Old 08-28-17, 10:59 AM
peripatetic peripatetic is offline
 
 

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Re: "unconditional parenting" by alfie kohn

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Originally Posted by mildadhd View Post

I think I am more preverbal.
thanks!

one thing i should note is that i say all of the things i said above, and have been talking to her like that for as long as i've read the book. however, until the last couple of months i don't know how much she really understood. now, because she seems to be cognitively "getting" things more, she's got words for all sorts of stuff, and she's like a little learning parrot, i think she understands.

but her agreement was chalk now, eat now. and then after we'd done those things she willingly climbed into her carseat. i think she catches on to a lot of what's said, but only recently been able to verbalize things in her slightly broken fashion.

my hope is that we're laying a good foundation.
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  #62  
Old 08-28-17, 12:34 PM
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Re: "unconditional parenting" by alfie kohn

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Originally Posted by mildadhd View Post
There are parts in National Geographic's tv series "Einstein", when Einstein is separated from his young sons' without visiting them for several years, because of factors including work, war and the divorce. In a scene Albert Einstein visits his son in the hospital after Einstein learns his son tried to commit suicide. Until then Einstein assumed his sons' knew that he loved them. But when he saw his son in the hospital Einstein realized, perhaps his son did not know his father loved him.




(Paraphrasing)




M
I forgot to includ the quote below in post #56 above.

Quote:
Quote:
"P 11..what counts is not just that we believe we love them unconditionally, but that they feel loved in that way"

-Alfie Kohn, "Unconditional Parenting", p 11.


M
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  #63  
Old 08-28-17, 01:11 PM
mildadhd mildadhd is online now
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Re: "unconditional parenting" by alfie kohn

Quote:
Originally Posted by peripatetic View Post
thanks!

one thing i should note is that i say all of the things i said above, and have been talking to her like that for as long as i've read the book. however, until the last couple of months i don't know how much she really understood. now, because she seems to be cognitively "getting" things more, she's got words for all sorts of stuff, and she's like a little learning parrot, i think she understands.

but her agreement was chalk now, eat now. and then after we'd done those things she willingly climbed into her carseat. i think she catches on to a lot of what's said, but only recently been able to verbalize things in her slightly broken fashion.

my hope is that we're laying a good foundation.
I have a hard time expressing how I feel in words.

I am a step dad so I did not have the option for traditional forms of punishment.

I think I might have made that mistake if I was his biological parent.

I often worried that I should be more strict, when things where not going so well.

But I did not have any other options anyway.

My worries turned out to be unnecessary as I learned my step son took a little longer to learn than some.

Some of my relatives are amazed at how mature and independent thinking my step son is now.

I guess they thought he was doomed because I did not use traditional forms of punishment?

Gabor Mate also refers a lot to "unconditional positive regard" by Carl Rogers, in his book "Scattered. (Keeping attachment and attunement relationship first and foremost.)

There have been times when I had to be more strict raise my voice for safety sake, but I never had much problem getting my step son's attention during those times, I am guessing he could recognize the seriousness in my voice, that was not always present unless necessary.

There are sometimes when I am cranky and always try to apologies after I realize when I am at fault. (My step son will now also apologize after the fact, if he is the cranky)

My step son is in his early 20's now, and now looking back I would not change anything.

We do not hang out as much now, but when we do it is a real blast discussing things with him.

Judging by your previous example, I think you got it already Peripatetic. (It is about unconditional love and individual respect, like you mentioned earlier)

I am looking forward to having this conversation again from your perspective, in about 20 years or so!



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Last edited by mildadhd; 08-28-17 at 01:25 PM..
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  #64  
Old 12-11-17, 10:59 PM
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Re: "unconditional parenting" by alfie kohn

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Originally Posted by Lunacie View Post
My parents didn't use rewards/punishments either, but it was understood that
they made all the decisions.

So here I am at age 65, a grandmother, and still indecisive because I never
had a chance to develop self-confidence and self-reliance by practicing making
decisions and seeing what the consequences would be.

Opportunity forgone is a 'cost' that needs to be included in every cost/benefit analysis. Sometimes we make wrong choices and have to grieve that, we also have to grieve the absence of consequence (possibly good, possibly bad) when we make no decision. Either way, the grieving process is inevitable.
I don't think there is much about ADD that is positive except that it seems to enhance the creative process according to Ratey and Hallowell, the authors of 'Driven To Distraction,' and many people with ADD seem to have a keen intuitive sense according to thge authors. I can attest to both of these attributes.
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