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  #1  
Old 10-31-12, 06:38 PM
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I'm not suicidal but I'm so tired of living

When I think of all the years that are lying ahead of me I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. Sometimes I think that I would like to wake up when things are better. When the world is spik and span clean. Thoroughly sterilised. When you can buy yourself a perfect, shiny, new brain. When man has managed to build a time machine. But even then, I can't imagine being happy or content. I can't imagine that life might be worth living. Not even with a new brain. Not even if I was someone else.

Don't get me wrong. I love this world. I'm just tired of life. I can't die. I don't want to die. I don't see the point in dying but neither can I see the point in being alive. So I'm just hanging on. Aimless, planless, clueless. Drifting from one day into the next. Thanks to the anti depressants, I've got back my moment of bliss and thrill but even they are meaningless. More meaningless than anything else, in fact.

How do other people live? How do other people stay motivated? Are they blind to the futility of life? Do they not care about the emptiness and the meaninglessness? Or do they know something I don't? Am I the blind one?

How am I supposed to live like this, with a brain that doesn't work and the few times it does work, it spits out rubbish like this? No anti depressant will give me a purpose or an answer. They just mask the pain and the weariness for a while, paint it over with a thick layer of cheap, disgusting thrills. That's all that I live for. Cheap, disgusting thrills. I don't know anything else. Everything else hurts.

My head hurts. My mind is tired but there is no escape from this. I can't escape my thoughts, or whatever masquerades as thoughts. The output of that pile of crap, I call my brain.

I'm so tired but I don't want to go to sleep because if I do when I wake up it will be tomorrow. I don't want to start another day. I dread tomorrow. I dread the future, I can't deal with the past and the present doesn't exist. It's just a concept, a fleeting, transient idea that passes too quickly to grasp. Anyway, not that it matters.
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Old 10-31-12, 06:47 PM
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Re: I'm not suicidal but I'm so tired of living

Fuzzy we are all her for you babe, lifes a ***** but we need to try to see the good things in life, even small pleasures,
youve enriched this forum with your presence and are helping others understand what is happening in there lifes,
we all have days when we feel pretty crap , but im sending you alittle sunshine.
much Luv jules
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Old 10-31-12, 07:02 PM
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Re: I'm not suicidal but I'm so tired of living

I feel like that now and then, and it sucks. I immediately try to distract myself as soon as the thought takes hold. Gotta nip it in the bud, because once the rumination kicks in...
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Old 10-31-12, 07:32 PM
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Re: I'm not suicidal but I'm so tired of living

Fuzzy i posted this in an inspirational thread, it is an oldie but a goodie, maybe it will help you find what you are looking for.

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Old 10-31-12, 08:40 PM
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Re: I'm not suicidal but I'm so tired of living

Quote:
Originally Posted by Subtract81 View Post
Fuzzy i posted this in an inspirational thread, it is an oldie but a goodie, maybe it will help you find what you are looking for.




Hardly inspirational. What a rediculous video to post and you come across insensitive.
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Old 10-31-12, 08:44 PM
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Re: I'm not suicidal but I'm so tired of living

Fuzzy, I can so relate to your pain. I'm sorry you are suffering.
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Old 10-31-12, 09:11 PM
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Re: I'm not suicidal but I'm so tired of living

i have to admit i haven't watched any of the videos yet since I'm too busy hosting a pity party for one but inspirational and ridiculous are very subjective terms. I'm sure it was meant to be supportive and not insensitive.
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Old 11-01-12, 12:03 AM
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Re: I'm not suicidal but I'm so tired of living

I'm just freaking myself out. Breaking down. I can't imagine that anything Will ever change. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter. It doesn't so i don't understand why I'm feeling so sorry for myself. I don't think anyone can help me. I don't know what would help me. Maybe meds but which ones? Anti depressants? Mood stabilizers? Stimulants? I've lost trust in the mental health experts. I don't think they can or Will help me. Still I've been calling the psychiatrist's clinic every day trying to schedule an appointment but they aren't able to find an appointment for me. I don't even know what to tell them. If i tell them about the low moods they'll either increase the dose of my anti depressant or prescribe another one. I don't want to mess about with anti depressant anymore. They all work to an exte but it's not enough.
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Old 11-01-12, 01:09 AM
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Re: I'm not suicidal but I'm so tired of living

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time right now. You sound like you are in a very, very low place and feeling pretty hopeless about the future. I understand that feeling intimately. It becomes very dark sometimes, and you're so far down that it's hard to look up and see the light shining at all.

I heard this line in a song - "I feel as if I am looking at the world from the bottom of a well" - and it stuck with me, that image, very profoundly. Everyone else, it feels like, is on ground level, on the surface, experiencing life at the surface level. But you are looking at the world from the bottom of a well. Of course you can't see the sun, the blue sky, the people around you who love and care for you, the opportunities. Of course you can't see any of that. What can you see from the bottom of a well?

One thing that I always try to keep in mind when I feel backed into a corner by life, or stuck in the bottom of a well, is this: There are no dead ends on a round planet. As long as you are on the earth and it is round, there will always be another path to try. You must never, ever, ever give up or feel that there are no other alternatives, because there are. There absolutely are. Always. If one doctor gives up, find another. If that doctor gives up, find another. Find a new therapist. Try a new medication. Try a new dose, or new combination of meds, or new combination of meds and doses. There are infinitely many combinations of medication, therapy, and lifestyle changes that you can try. You have never exhausted all of your options. It's simply not possible.

If you begin to feel like you might be considering ending your life or causing harm to yourself, please call a hotline, or the UK's equivalent of 911, or take yourself to the hospital. I did some Googling and it looks like the suicide hotline in the U.K. is the Samaritans hotline, 08457 90 90 90. Please keep yourself safe. We care about you.
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Old 11-01-12, 01:18 AM
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Re: I'm not suicidal but I'm so tired of living

I dont know you, but I have been in such a place before and i can safely say i know how it feels. I came across a book in a store one day and was instantly drawn to it, i bought it, and the second i started reading it the darkness began to fade just a little every time i picked it up.
Some may find it to be silly and people sometimes make rude comments about it when they see it at my house, all i know is that this book helped me claw my way out of a very dark place and back into the light.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Art_of_Happiness
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Old 11-01-12, 01:42 AM
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Re: I'm not suicidal but I'm so tired of living

Maybe the idea that you are not alone in this deep dark place will help maybe it won;t no way of knowing until I dare to speak. Although you can not see me maybe for a moment you can hear me long enough to comprehend some one can understand the pain

I have no words of wisdom nothing I say or do can release you from this moment

The feeling of nothing makes it seems as if you are not really alive but maybe things are not as they appear in that the empty moments are the spark of reality - The moment we know we are in darkness we can begin to understand - we are all blind no one sees the big picture.


The images are only imaginations of what we would could or should be - but none of them are real because nothing last forever- It all came from nothing and to nothing it will return in the end save the thought the fleeting reality of awareness of we are small in some big place or a huge part in a reality that does not exist at all.

The images in your mind are what ever you fear or what them to be depends on which side of the fence you are viewing from - So many seek wisdom knowledge only to find when they reach that point there is nothing at the center of it all.

The universe is cynical in that way - It offers no comfort, no secret maps , no instructions no answers - those we must make up for our selves as we go along.

Does death really make it all better? How can we know we don;t even know if any thing lies beyond the illusion we call life. My luck if I rush to get there I will only find more of the same or worse - A reality without good music, chocolate, playful kittens, twisted trees or understanding people.


The closest things to the meaning of life is found in the sound of a purring cat, the gimps of children at play or the punch line of a joke .

Some do not know that reality is merely an illusion, and that the people are nothing more than layers of plastic, pretending to play a role as if they really know what it is all about.

No one has the answer even though some think they do. The best they can do is invite you to join them in their delusion



I try to fit the pieces of the puzzle we call life together only to find I can not see the picture never mind understand what it means.

The true object is the inverted image


So all I can do is join the rest of humanity in the march to the end of time trying to grasp those moments of silent bliss when my mind is quiet and my heart is allowed to let go of the despair long enough to create a spark in the dismal darkness that I call a life !
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Old 11-01-12, 06:16 AM
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Re: I'm not suicidal but I'm so tired of living

I "thanked" you for this post because I get exactly what you're saying...that's all!

(((Hugs)))

Selena x
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Old 11-01-12, 07:29 AM
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Re: I'm not suicidal but I'm so tired of living

Fuzzy i hope you are feeling better, i found that video helpful when i was feeling down, i hope you did to. take care.

Quote:
Originally Posted by stacyb View Post
Hardly inspirational. What a rediculous video to post and you come across insensitive.
stacyb, given your obviously vast experience of this forum and knowledge of my personality and sensitivity your opinion has been duly noted and disregarded.

People are suffering everywhere, there are different ways of dealing with it, if Fuzzy had issues with it i am sure she would express them herself and i would have apologised, perspective is a big thing, and sometimes seeing things from another perspective can be more helpful.

Life is insane, to try and live by the standards of others can make us very unhappy, try and smile everyday.
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Old 11-01-12, 07:40 AM
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Re: I'm not suicidal but I'm so tired of living

Mod note: now thats all settled, lets just get back on track now.
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Old 11-01-12, 08:52 AM
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Re: I'm not suicidal but I'm so tired of living

Thanks everyone for your replies. It seems like the honeymoon period is over. No more feelings of excitement and thrill. I'm back to good old depression. I called in sick to work today. Something I very rarely do. I feel guilty but I guess I am mentally sick. I think, I should have gone to work. It might have distracted me. Instead I just slept and had horrible nightmares, which are just making me feel crappier.

I need to see the psychiatrist but what should I tell him? That the depression is bad again? That the mood swings are bad? And I still can't concentrate/focus/remember anything?? I can't imagine that he'll do anything but either change my anti depressant or increase the dose. Do I first have to try every single anti depressant on the market before they will realise that depression isn't my only problem or that the anti depressants aren't enough? I guess so.

Life sucks. What's worse is the knowledge that it isn't life that sucks but me. My stupid, useless brain and my weakness to fight these feelings and the mood swings.
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