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  #1  
Old 03-28-12, 10:15 AM
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Coping Mechanism - Running away from problems?

For those who have ADHD or other people that have dated/are with people with ADHD do you find that there is a tenancy to run away from conflict/problems/etc?

A few times the girl I was dating would literally "run" out of the store or place we were at. If she became embarrassed by something, or if she thought someone she knew was in the store (a relative that worked at that store), or if there was a situation of potential conflict.

Not knowing anything about anxiety or adhd before (maybe this is more of an anxiety issue?) I didn't know what was going on and at times I felt like she was embarrassed to be around me (like, why wouldn't she stand her ground/be with me/trust me vs. running away). I didn't know how to discuss it when it was happening because it really confused me and I didn't want to be critical. My self, I grew up in an environment where I was criticized a lot by my dad and it felt like nothing I did was good enough for him so I feel like I have a really fine line when talking with others where I am oversenstive.. Anyway, that is off topic for the discussion at hand...
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Old 04-06-12, 09:25 AM
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Re: Coping Mechanism - Running away from problems?

I have the tendency to ignore problems until they are so large I have to deal with them. A lot of adhd'rs use avoidance as a way of controlling the feelings of being overwhelmed.
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Old 04-06-12, 12:56 PM
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Re: Coping Mechanism - Running away from problems?

Yes I can relate. In my last relationship we were both ADHD (untreated and I was unaware of the dx in myself, he didn't understand the complexity of the disorder himself) We CONSTANTLY avoided real problems until one of us got so frustrated and blew our top. Even after a huge fight I would usually leave for a bit, when I came back nothing was ever said again. We were incapable of really communicating, it was a cycle for us, say nothing (pick small fights constantly about nothing), blow up at each other, go through the silent treatment for up to 3 or 4 days, have make up sex, never mention that issue until the next blow up. NOT FUN!

For one neither of us could empathize with the other, or truly LISTEN, we blamed each other for EVERYTHING, and if the conversation started out attempting to solve the problem it quickly turned to character assasination and how if the other "would just...." then everything would be better.

Sometimes changes would be implemented (even occasionally solved) but there was ALWAYS something. The longer we were in the relationship the longer we went without talking at all....just avoiding one another because we knew how it would end, badly.
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Old 04-06-12, 03:53 PM
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Re: Coping Mechanism - Running away from problems?

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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
I have the tendency to ignore problems until they are so large I have to deal with them. A lot of adhd'rs use avoidance as a way of controlling the feelings of being overwhelmed.
Yes, me too.

I also have a tendency to run away from problems by using the sledge hammer approach. to give a silly example, if I can't decide if I should go to party A or party B then I might decide to just stay at home to avoid making that decision. I do that with big things as well. Or rather than solving a problem, I just try to get rid of it as soon as possible (or delay it infinitely). But yes, I have a problem with avoidance, trying to escape unpleasant situations or conflicts and I am constantly running away from my problems.
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Old 04-06-12, 03:56 PM
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Re: Coping Mechanism - Running away from problems?

I have done that and still do. I like what Sarah said. I'll stay away from problems to avoid feeling overwhelmed. Specifically, I think what really causes me to stay away is my inability to regulate emotions properly. Those feelings are terrible.
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Old 04-06-12, 07:15 PM
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Re: Coping Mechanism - Running away from problems?

I am an avoider. I often won't answer the phone because I don't wanna deal with a phone conversation, or I'll see someone in a store and walk the other direction. It's not like I dislike the person, I just want to avoid having to say "Hi" and make small talk. It always goes like this "Hi, how's it going?" "Oh, the usual, work and kids" Ugh I can't stand it.
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Old 04-12-12, 12:35 PM
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Re: Coping Mechanism - Running away from problems?

I've seen a pattern in my past and my fiance helped point it out to me. I had to accept that he was right and learn how to deal with things better. I am thankful that he will call me out on things because it forces me to see when I'm wrong and in the end I become a better person for facing it. For the most part I am a positive person and I try to be realistic about things which sometimes looks negative. I have certain things I live by because I always want to grow as a person. Things like learning from my mistakes and admitting when you're wrong. It takes time to open your eyes to things like avoidance or running but when you catch yourself, it's those moments you have that opportunity to grow or not grow...We're always a work in progress; ADHD or non-ADHD.
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Old 04-12-12, 01:09 PM
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Re: Coping Mechanism - Running away from problems?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spacemaster View Post
I am an avoider. I often won't answer the phone because I don't wanna deal with a phone conversation, or I'll see someone in a store and walk the other direction. It's not like I dislike the person, I just want to avoid having to say "Hi" and make small talk. It always goes like this "Hi, how's it going?" "Oh, the usual, work and kids" Ugh I can't stand it.
I do that too (walk the other direction in the store). Making small talk is hard for me. I always feel so awkward. I also don't answer the phone unless I know or have an idea of who it is, and if I need to tell a family member something I often text so that I can deal with the one issue without getting sucked into a whole conversation.
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Old 04-13-12, 12:12 AM
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Re: Coping Mechanism - Running away from problems?

Yes, definitely. Before I was diagnosed, my other half came up this term for me called "Avoidance Mode".

I think I just do it avoid the stress and the emotions that I'll probably experience.

Weirdly, I hate conflict and avoid it but at the same time, I create it and thrive on it (so I've been told!) Maybe this is the difference - it depends on who is initiating it
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Old 04-13-12, 09:15 AM
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Re: Coping Mechanism - Running away from problems?

Thanks for all of the posts. They are very useful for putting things in perspective.
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Old 04-16-12, 02:14 AM
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Re: Coping Mechanism - Running away from problems?

I'm an ADDer... and yes I've run away from my problems. Still do a lot of times. I'm constantly reminding myself not to though
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Old 04-17-12, 06:45 AM
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Re: Coping Mechanism - Running away from problems?

the girl I was dating would literally "run" out of the store or place we were at


I did this once. I was shopping with my ex and noticed his niece was the cashier. Well I totally forgot that I owed her some money for babysitting my daughter a few times. I didn't remember at all until i saw her... I literally ran out of the store in embarrassment.
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Old 04-18-12, 10:13 AM
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Re: Coping Mechanism - Running away from problems?

When anything (esp emotions) reach "critical mass" with me I physically leave or shut down into zombie mode. Either one is avoidance and a coping strategy. Probably not the best strategy but it prevents total meltdown/explosion.
So, yeah I think it's normal for everyone after a certain point but maybe those with ADHD just have a lower tolerance (when combined with their individual personality).
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Old 04-18-12, 10:43 AM
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Re: Coping Mechanism - Running away from problems?

wow yes I tend to avoid issues (hoping they will just solve themselves - and since once in a while they actually do, well it's almost like a possible solution!

I constantly avoid people if I don't feel like chatting! For example there is a very nice man who plays the clarinet in our band, sometimes he takes the same train as I do in the morning and I keep avoiding him and then being sure I won't end up in the same wagon of the train as he does. I wouldn't even want to chat with my best friend in the morning! yikes.
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Old 04-18-12, 11:40 AM
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Re: Coping Mechanism - Running away from problems?

Run Away ....Run Away !!! .....egad yes ! .....avoiding things ....I am a master at it ....and the mountain of problems that fall on me has squashed me flat on many an occasion .......


don't answer the phone ....don't want to talk to anyone, or used to be bill comllectors .....


when I was really poor, I used to nhide from my landlord ...pretend I wasn't
.there.....


oh I ahve done every kind of running away that there is ....every variation possible .....


and every now and then the problem goes away by itself .....but it's rare....


I still am not very good at facing what is embarrassing or painful or confusing or serious or expensive.....


If I don't know how to handle the situation, I run away .....
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