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Old 06-29-16, 04:59 PM
Naxxar Naxxar is offline
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Talking ''20 years old guy asking desperately for help''

Honestly I don't even know where should I start because the last 20 years of my life have been simply a one big struggling disaster for me. I have failed everything what I could. I have no friends whatsoever, only a few acquaintances who thinks I am a big weirdo.

I struggled with everything since the kindergarten. I remember very clearly that even at that time everyone hated me and I was socially isolated. Other kids just didnt wanna play with me and teased me very often to the degree that teachers had to step in. I played with them for a while but then I decided to rather play with myself - as usual. This is where my autistic behaviour set in.
What I can remember I rarely hang out with another kids outside the kindergarten. Most of the time I was playing PC games or watch TV.

Due to my behavioural problems my education at 1st grade was postponed for 1 year. Unfortunately that didn't help much and everything just got worse.
I was irritable, nervous, cried alot for no reason, oversensitive - B grade made me cry lulz, stomach issues, social issues..that is just the beginning. My parents had to pick me up from school many times because my behavior was unacceptable - I even rolled on the floor (lol) because I didnt get what I wanted. Yup everyone thought that I was spoilt prick.

I was also visiting a speech therapist when I was a kid cause I had some language delays or something.
During my children years I was also suffering from moderate to severe OCD (I was like 8 years old). There were also a signs of self-harm behavior + moderate irritability. Few years ago my parents told me that when I was a child I had a much bigger head than other kids but then it subsided or something (which is confusing to me).

From 2st grade to 6th grade I was kinda normal kid. I even had some friends. I only suffered from Tic disorder - thats when my PD prescribed me a homeopathic med which worked greatly for tics but also worsened my OCD + parasthesia in my face.

Starting the 7th grade (14 years old) my behavioural symptoms got terribly worse just like my mental health. I started to suffer from dysgraphia, a mild dyscalculia and Hyperlexia (I was a fast-reader but had no clue what I am actually reading about) - so when teacher asked me what was in the plot I just didnt know like I never read it at all. Thats also the reason why I so far read only 2-5 books in my entire life - My memory/focus and concentration is just too ****** up.) I have no logical thinking. I have to learn everything by heart and then the next day all the knowledge I learned is wiped out from my memory.

My facial tics got worse. I started to develop anxiety, I was nervous, OCD was pain in the *** for me school - especially under stress. It caused me a lot of trouble at written exams - in 90% of the time I had those OCD mental blocks where I could not even think normally. I was just looking at the test doing nothing (except the tics which worsened alot).

At that time I have 1-2 friends who didnt like me much, girls hated me and I was sitting alone. I wasnt depressed or something. I just didnt care at all, I was dreamy, suffering from Brain fog and was very sleepy most of the time.

Till the High school I also developed those symptoms -

- Auditory processing disorder
- Some kind of mood disorder - Social anxiety, social awkwardness
- Developmental coordination disorder - 90% of the symptoms I already had in the kindergarten
- Mild Mutism
- Hypotonia
- Problems with communication, I slutter all the time.
- Socially isolated

etc...


High school was the worst time of my life.
The first 2 years I was a total social outcast, isolated, nobody talked to me, I was sitting alone, everyone hated my behavior, I was socially awkward, peers teased me which leaded to my angry outbursts.

Everyone was having fun but not me. I was suffering from social anxiety and I was afraid to even speak to anybody. I was rather pretending that I read a book which I literally could not cause I cant read under stress (=being around people). Academically I was somewhere in the average but along the years it was getting worse.

In the 3rd grade of High school I developed Scalp Psoriasis + plaque psoriasis which has been getting worse every day of my life. Topical roids which were prescribed to me dont work.
Thats when my fatigue worsened a lot. My focus / concentration was non existent. My entire life I wasnt interested in anything. I can lie in the bed an entire day and I just dont care. I also have dry skin on my hands, face.

I am no skin pigment. Just a pale guy.

My current weight is only 60 kg and my height 170 cm.
I dont have problems getting more weight. I am just too unmotivated to cook some food for myself. My appetite is close to zero and I dont care.

I cant even watch movies or play games longer than 5 minutes cause I get bored very quickly so I rather do nothing and browse the reddit or sort my folders or pre-made bookmarks what I should read on the internet.

To-do lists dont work - I maybe enjoy a little bit to write what I should do but I wont do it..never. The same counts for the bookmarks (what I should read). My current To-do- bookmarks folder contains 368 websites. I doubt I will ever wanna visit them.


Well now just lets get back to the High school experiences.
Starting the 3rd year of High school I discovered that I might suffer from ADD - cause I wasnt hyperactive at all at that time.
Thats when I started to experiment with all kinds of stimulants and hell yeah - they helped me alot, felt good and improved 95% of my symptoms.
It was miracle for me.

So far I experimented with -

Caffeine pills
Phenibut - made me a social god for a few weeks, then subsided
Fasoracetam
Modafinil
Armodafinil
Ritalin
Concerta
Ethylphenidate
Amphetamine powder
Dexamphetamine
Vyvanse
Benzos
Z-Drugs
Tramadol - and that is where I stopped with meds for good.

The withdrawals which I had from all of these meds were ******* terrible and made me suicidal. Yeah - some of them helped me a lot but I cant help myself not to abuse them. My mind somewhat needs an external stimulation. Thats why I need to abuse something all the time. Without external stimulation I am bored as ****, not caring and fatigued moron.

Unfortunately a few weeks after the cessation of all the meds - I started to gamble my savings money (sport gambling, Bitcoing Primedice gambling) etc and I lost ****load of money. I am such a dick oh god. I dont know what to do anymore.

I am not depressed at all, I am just too big of a failure. I never visited a therapist once cause I am too embarrased of myself. In truth I told once my symptoms to my PD but she laughed at me and told me I am just lazy (****). Thats why I never tried again to visit anyone else I guess.

I even failed the High School final exams - which were easy as ****.
Not because I failed them, but because I was too lazy to wake up that day to do the exams. I came too late to the school 2 times in a row so they said that I have to do 2 out of 5 final exams again in September.

Can anyone there please tell me why am I such a lazy unproductive uncaring **** ? I fckin hate myself...how it is even possible.

I had A, B, C most of the time but every year my symptoms worsened a bit.

Yup and I also have been suffering from Suicidal ideation since 3rd grade of high school and so far I attemped suicide 4 times. I had everything perfectly planned but I guess I was just too big coward to do it except one time when I purposely overdosed on street speed and werent it for Nitroglycerin which I had I would have died because of heart attack and hyperthermia.

The most weird thing is that I didnt care at all about my health after that happened. If I would have died well - whatever. My life sucks *** and has no meaning. I wasnt depressed at that time..it was just exciting for me. Yep I am a ******* weird I know. But I really wonder what the **** is wrong with me. There are days when I feel good and I am proud of myself when I watch a new movie but sometimes I am just too tired of everything and I plan how to just end it for instance a few weeks ago I wanted to overdose on 20 grams of furanyl-fentanyl. But I guess I should be happy that I didnt do it..

I often laugh at myself how I am ****** up.. ******* ridiculous looool.

Can anyone please tell me what da **** is wrong with me ?
Why am I not dead already ?

I also suffer from Meige syndrome + severe bruxism.

Do I have ADD, SCT, hypothyroidism, Depression, Bipolar, Schizotypal disorder, Autism, Developmental coordination disorder, Athymhormic syndrome, depersonalization syndrome, PANDAS, CREST, Fraxile X Syndrome, Klinefelter syndrome, Severe Brainfoggism ****-up syndrome, Schizoid personality disorder or WHAT ???

I have spent hundreds maybe thousands of hours on research because I want to know what the **** is wrong with me but still I am not sucessful.
I illegally tried most of the available meds but none of them cleared the deliberating brain fog. **** with this ****. I have to be the worst mind-****** person in the world. And NO I dont wanna your empathy that i am not crazy. I KNOW I am crazy mother-****er but I want to do something with but so far I havent been sucessful and that makes me depressed.

Please help me. I am not a bad person. Only my mind is severely ****** up and my soul sees that.

PS: I am too nervous when I have to reply so don't expect quick answers (or any at all). Thank you for understanding.


- Anonymous sufferer
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  #2  
Old 06-29-16, 05:51 PM
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Kayyluhh74 Kayyluhh74 is offline
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Re: ''20 years old guy asking desperately for help''

I can't speak on what you have/could have cause I'm not sure.

But I do want you to know that you are loved & important, despise what you think. The mind is a crazy thing. I hope everything gets figured out & you can get some closure.

& if you ever need a friend, someone to vent to, just to say hey, I'm here!
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Old 06-29-16, 08:25 PM
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Re: ''20 years old guy asking desperately for help''

Are you currently seeing a psychiatrist and/or psychologist?

Preferably both, since you see to have social difficulties and then also the inattention. Plus, mental health concerns like depression, suicidal ideation, and substance abuse. A neurologist with a specialization in psychology could also be another option, given that your parents said hat when you were a child that your head circumference was higher than average.

I don't think anyone hear can tell you what your diagnosis is and the best people to do so are ones that can examine the details of your academic, personal, and psychiatric history.

I think building a team of professionals around you (psychiatrist, psychologist, etc.) would be the place to start because Dr. Google isn't able to take into account most of the variables and factors in a person's life.
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Old 06-29-16, 08:44 PM
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Re: ''20 years old guy asking desperately for help''

You need to see a psychiatrist to sort through all of this.

My daughter had some strange, scary symptoms. I too used the internet but nothing seemed to fit. Her symptoms were weird.

We brought my daughter to a therapist who diagnosed her with bipolar and the nurse the therapist worked with put her on bipolar meds. They did nothing to help.

We finally got into see a child psychiatrist who diagnosed my daughter with anxiety. The first few meds did not help, but finally found one that did.

My daughter also sees a therapist. And we went through 4 therapist before we found one we liked. Meds and therapy has helped a lot.

But it's been 2 years, 4 different meds, and 5 different therapists.

So my advice - find a psychiatrist you like, then a therapist, and be patient. It may take a while to start feeling better, but it can get better.
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Old 06-29-16, 10:37 PM
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Re: ''20 years old guy asking desperately for help''

quanda,

Love your story. It is so helpful and needs to be repeated: often it takes multiple psychiatrists and therapists in order to find the right one for a particular person and their particular condition.

True story: a close friend of mine--a really successful and rich lawyer--had two children who suffered clear depression and anxiety--I'm talkng about major depression ... I'm taking kids blurting out that they wanted to kill themselves.

Hearing him report on the struggles of his kids, I said it sounds like you could benefit from a therapist. Here's what he told me ... and it astonished me. He said his wife had once seen a therapist and she didn't think it helped.

I was speechless. Sometimes I regret that I didn't challenge my friend and politely find a way to say that his wife's thinking was the most ridiculous reasoning I had ever heard. Here's the funny thing: my friend is a top lawyer, and he knows that the range of lawyer competence s huge! ... He handles lots of appeals cases and he notes that often the lawyers before him miss small issues that turn out to be of huge importance.

Therapists have at least as wide a range on the competence scale as lawyers and maybe more so, because with therapy and psychiatry, a patient-practitioner fit is important. So many conditions mimic each other, that it really requires some luck to get to the right therapist who can diagnose what's really going on. And going through multiple medicines is often a good sign that the doctor is figuring things out.

Long story short: my buddy now has his daughter going to multiple therapists multiple times a week ... Now, I'm not saying his daughter's issues could have easily been prevented but frankly, he came to his senses quite quite late. To give my buddy his due, he had never suffered a depressed or anxious day in his life, so all of this was new territory for him and with his wife speaking her nonsense as if she really knew something, he just got sidetracked.

Thanks for your story. Please keep sharing it ... And high praise to you for persisting in finding the best treatment for your daughter! ...

Tone
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Old 06-30-16, 01:17 AM
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Re: ''20 years old guy asking desperately for help''

You have so many things going on, you really need a doctor -- a good one!
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Old 06-30-16, 01:29 AM
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Re: ''20 years old guy asking desperately for help''

Naxxar, depression doesn't necessarily mean constant sadness all the time. Plus there are many types of depression rather than major depression. Please don't write yourself off just because your symptoms don't seem like depression.

When I first went to see a therapist, I didn't meet the requirements for major depression, and the session just went over terribly, so I was turned off from the whole experience. The therapist wrote off my feelings as just being lonely and recommended I go to places that wasn't reasonable for my lifestyle. I never wanted to see a therapist again, I felt awful, I was embarrassed for sharing my feelings with someone who didn't care. It turned out that the therapist was just a douche. Later on, I met with other therapists who actually helped me. It was wonderful. I don't have all the answers even still, and that is quite frustrating, but I'm at least on a good road. (I, too, like to look up online to see what I might have. All those tests and quizzes have me pinned with every mental disorder ever recorded, which is false. Only a professional can truly diagnose us.)

Please meet with a professional and describe to him what you are describing to us. Your life is important, and your quest for healthiness and happiness is important as well. Thank you for telling us your story - I hope you get the help that you need and deserve.
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Old 06-30-16, 01:58 AM
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Re: ''20 years old guy asking desperately for help''

OP- have you ever been inpatient at mental health hospital?
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Old 07-02-16, 05:34 AM
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Re: ''20 years old guy asking desperately for help''

I would repeat one thing said above. You will need a medical team around you.

I was lucky, in the sense, a very talented immunologist actually saw my ADD.

You have a number of things to address, but without medical support I think it would be extremely hard.

These problems aren't totally uncommon. Goodluck
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Old 07-02-16, 01:05 PM
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Re: ''20 years old guy asking desperately for help''

One thing I notice is that you don't really mention any healthcare folks in your story.

You don't report that you stopped meds at the recommendation of a doctor or with a doctor carefully monitoring the effects of this change.

Tone
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