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Women with ADD/ADHD This forum is for women to discuss issues related to being a woman with AD/HD.

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Old 11-13-05, 02:53 AM
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choices

As anyone who talks to me for more that 10 minutes knows, I really would like another horse. I've had horses since I was 15. My first (and last) mare died last fall at 33. I miss her terribly. I would like to get into competition trail riding. I would like to breed for an endurance horse. That is 1 horse, plus a foal in a year or two who would become the trail horse as momma ages out of competition. I can't afford a young horse.

Husband has decided he is not doing that anymore. (huh?)
Ultimatum time. Husband or horse.
I feel shredded.
I've had all my shortcomings pointed out to me today; how I am unorganised, don't follow through, waste time and money, spread myself too thin, am inconsistant, have unfinished projects.
True, all true.

But if I can't follow my dream, why am I alive?
And if I have to kill my dream to keep my family intact, what happens to my soul?
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Old 11-13-05, 11:23 AM
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Sorry you're having to face this. Take some time and see if your husband is willing to hear what makes this so important to you. Be sure and listen to his side too. If necessary get a marriage counselor involved. Just don't make any rush decisions -- we ADDers tend to do that and they're not usually our best options.
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Old 11-13-05, 01:10 PM
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I am SO sorry you are in this position.

I'd like to suggest that there is no choice. You should not have to make one.

The problem isn't a choice between family & dreams, it's trying to understand each other. Your husband needs to understand your dreams, your strengths, and your imperfections. You need to understand how difficult life with an ADDer is.

Compromise, maybe?

You sound a lot like me. I have to let go of a LOT of dreams to finish unfinished projects. I have agreed to limit my obligations and my husband is very supportive when it comes to helping me meet the ones I keep. In exchange, I support his efforts and understand his priorities. We think of ourselves as a team and we don't feel there's any reason we both can't succeed.

Make him understand your feelings and understand his.

GOOD LUCK. I wish you all the best.

Barb
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Old 11-14-05, 02:06 AM
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Thanks for your responses scattered and barbyma.

We have talked more. He is concerned about his work prospects and retirement. My husband is 17 y older than I am. He wants to get secure and work less. He sees this as me opting out of his present lifeplan; me not being concerned or caring about him. Or perhaps of me choosing this as a way to avoid other issues.
In some ways he may be right. I am not happy, so may be escaping.
In others... well, horses are a part of my life. They extend who I am in many ways; physical, mental and spiritual. I have a deep connection with them which I am missing intensely. And I don't have too many human friends either, so having equine friends helps with the loneliness of that.
I guess we need to find some middle ground.
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Old 11-15-05, 03:40 PM
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My god. This could be me, but as your HUSBAND! wow. Let me share my situation, as it might help you see things from the other side, then again, might not. I myself do have "mild" add, and I suspect my husband has that, or another similar ppd disorder, undiagnosed as he got through law school NO problem and is really successful, etc., so people tend to just go "eccentric". ANyhow, when we met, he had 17 dogs. That is right. I don't know what I was thinking...I like animals, but....

Anyhow, I had two babies close together, and then it was no longer "deal-able" for me. The dogs began to die, as some of them were (and are) OLD, and honestly, I just counted the days (okay, years) until there would just be a few. Well, several of the younger ones died in an accident last year, so now there are only 7 (ONLY!) left. He sleds with them. Greyhound/mix for dogsledding. See what I mean? Nutty, huh? Well....I have a 1 and 3 year old and he is "secretly" trying to figure out how to bring home another dog, breed with one of the living, keep the "family genetics" and then have another eight or whatever dogs.....I am FREAKING OUT, let me tell you. Now, if he had a staff to care for these dogs, play with them, clean up after them, etc. etc., fine. Maybe. But. THEY LIVE IN MY GARAGE and it's infringing on my sensibilities. (WE do have 18 acres.) That said, he is also "messy, disorganized, chaotic, spreads self waaaaaaaay to thin, works crazy long hours, and has TWO LITTLE KIDS. So, I'm chapped, needless to say. Thinking he is truly demented. To me, your situation sounds lovely! Two horses! easy! hahaha. But I do see a bit where your spouse is coming from, and I feel for YOU too.

Do you have the financial aspects covered? the time committment? I often feel like I am "second" to these dogs, and that is not a good feeling...I suspect maybe your husband feels silmilar, like another horse means less of you? And it MAY BE that the horses are more important to you. I talk about this with my husband all the time -- it has affected our marriage tremendously, but people are who they are. If he HAS to do it to be happy, so be it. I want happiness for him. I just want it for ME, too, and I don't know if I can join him in the insanity, or insanity from my point of view. I trust somehow it will all work out, together or not. (I can be pretty "crazy" myself too, don't get me wrong!

Sorry to be so long here. I wish you the BEST, and now you know you aren't alone. Talk to my husband! haha.
Wendy
p.s. about the "escapism" issue. My husbands dad died when he was seven, his mom was abusive....like you, few "people" friends, the dogs were it. I know it's an escape for him, animals ARE good for that. BTW, I love horses dearly, the best!
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Old 11-16-05, 02:22 AM
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I'm gonna "write between the lines" here so that I don't lose track and miss something. Thanks for writing from the other, non-critter-nut perspective. I will talk to him from this viewpoint too, this is very helpful...

Quote:
Originally Posted by 3grlsweR
My god. This could be me, but as your HUSBAND! wow. Let me share my situation, as it might help you see things from the other side, then again, might not. I myself do have "mild" add, and I suspect my husband has that, or another similar ppd disorder, undiagnosed as he got through law school NO problem and is really successful, etc., so people tend to just go "eccentric". ANyhow, when we met, he had 17 dogs. That is right. I don't know what I was thinking...I like animals, but....

I was diagnosed ADD-inattentive 2 years ago. My husband is undiagnosed, but self-admittedly ADD also. I had 2 horses, 2 cats (+ 13 kittens) and a dog when I met him! I cut down to 1 horse, 1 dog (well, sometimes 2 when the one gets elderly) and 1 cat (spayed!). My present dog is my first small one, and I think I will stick with small breeds. They are sooooo much easier, and just as much dog.

Anyhow, I had two babies close together, and then it was no longer "deal-able" for me. The dogs began to die, as some of them were (and are) OLD, and honestly, I just counted the days (okay, years) until there would just be a few. Well, several of the younger ones died in an accident last year, so now there are only 7 (ONLY!) left. He sleds with them. Greyhound/mix for dogsledding. See what I mean? Nutty, huh?

[Greyhound for speed? Seven sounds like enough for a team... does he race?]

However, I did agree that since I decided to live with a fairly non-animalish person (what was I thinking! ) that it was only fair to cut down to manageable population levels. I used to show, but didn't have time for that as he came with a family, which I wanted and accepted. Gradually my casual riding time vanished as well until my horse was a beloved lawn mower. I allowed this to happen. He did help with the larger horse chores, like hay fetching, but I never expected it. And when we had our son, I did often get behind in outside chores. He reminds me of this. A lot.

Well....I have a 1 and 3 year old and he is "secretly" trying to figure out how to bring home another dog, breed with one of the living, keep the "family genetics" and then have another eight or whatever dogs.....I am FREAKING OUT, let me tell you. Now, if he had a staff to care for these dogs, play with them, clean up after them, etc. etc., fine. Maybe. But. THEY LIVE IN MY GARAGE and it's infringing on my sensibilities. (WE do have 18 acres.) That said, he is also "messy, disorganized, chaotic, spreads self waaaaaaaay to thin, works crazy long hours, and has TWO LITTLE KIDS. So, I'm chapped, needless to say. Thinking he is truly demented. To me, your situation sounds lovely! Two horses! easy! hahaha. But I do see a bit where your spouse is coming from, and I feel for YOU too.

[That does sound like a lot of dogs, and really close to the house. Is that so he can see them and not miss or forget things? That's why I would do that...]

I would have trouble keeping up with that many creatures. I would feel overwhelmed. When I had a small child, I did get behind lots. But one or two is easier to catch up with, doesn't become beyond what I can handle and overwhelm me. I have to schedule time to do things, then not ever skip steps, or I skip it again, and again. Then have to catch up and make a new schedule. Now that I know what is going on with me, I am much more on top of making myself stay with the program. I do still mess up however.

Do you have the financial aspects covered? the time committment? I often feel like I am "second" to these dogs, and that is not a good feeling...I suspect maybe your husband feels silmilar, like another horse means less of you? And it MAY BE that the horses are more important to you. I talk about this with my husband all the time -- it has affected our marriage tremendously, but people are who they are. If he HAS to do it to be happy, so be it. I want happiness for him. I just want it for ME, too, and I don't know if I can join him in the insanity, or insanity from my point of view. I trust somehow it will all work out, together or not. (I can be pretty "crazy" myself too, don't get me wrong!

There is a lot of thoughts in this paragraph. If this part sounds disjointed it is because I am thinking about each one at a time.

It would definitely take time away from home/him. I want to competition trail ride, so working time and then the actual rides plus chores etc. and outings around learning more about the sport. And there is a new sport, horse trek - orienteering on horseback, which sounds very interesting. I have spent lots of time doing what he likes to do also; logging camps, trucks, fish etc. I have spent a lot of years focused on home. I would like to be less insular now.

I had my mare before I had him, and he used to joke she was going to outlive him! She was my friend and very special. She and I could... blend? Mind meld? Become one being when we rode together. I guess a person could feel left out of that...

Financially, I make a fraction of the money he does. If we did share expenses evenly across the board instead of pooling our money I would, just barely, have enough money to do it.

More important than him? No. but... I think, at this stage in my life, interacting with my own horse is about more than sport and recreation. It is about who I am. I have allowed large parts of myself to be submerged for the greater good of family. Now that my son is older, I am feeling a need to reclaim myself, to be who I am. Right now, I feel like part of me is missing.

I don't know how well I would do it. There would be good (lots) and bad (some). There would be stress, and disaster as there always is around life. Maybe he doesn't like the inevitable grief that loving shorter lived creatures brings to us? I wouldn't miss it for the world. I know for sure he would like life to be simpler, not more complicated!

Sorry to be so long here. I wish you the BEST, and now you know you aren't alone. Talk to my husband! haha.
Wendy
p.s. about the "escapism" issue. My husbands dad died when he was seven, his mom was abusive....like you, few "people" friends, the dogs were it. I know it's an escape for him, animals ARE good for that. BTW, I love horses dearly, the best!
Thanks for the long post. This is helping me work through my thoughts, and to see his point of view. I hope there is middle ground here somewhere.
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