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Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships. |
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#1
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How to tell someone they've out stayed their welcome?
They've stayed with us for almost 4 months now (with a few weeks off here and there). We've had almost continuously someone staying with us for the last 6 months. I don't even know how to start the topic but I know I need to. I'm getting angry and feeling guilty at the same time.
I had told them just 2 more weeks, that became a month, then another week and now they still haven't booked their tickets. I love them to bits but hubby is going into depression and I am going crazy. I'm just so scared to hurt them. And what if one of them dies before I see them again. I don't want them to think I don't care for them. How do start thr conversation ? |
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Fuzzy12 For This Useful Post: | ||
Little Missy (01-09-17), peripatetic (01-10-17) |
#2
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Re: How to tell someone they've out stayed their welcome?
offer to help them book their tickets. One of the problems of people pleasers is always wanting no conflict and everything to be nice. it only works if others are cooperative. Sometimea there is no way to say something nicely. Just be kind
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Fuzzy12 (01-09-17) |
#3
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Re: How to tell someone they've out stayed their welcome?
First of all, remember you OWE them this talk .. this talk will be in THEIR best interest ...because the person is not acting in a mature way ... and they know it deep down ... they know they have gone beyond what you offered. Of course, this is putting you in a parent role, which is also unfair to you.
Just say it ... there is no "easy" way ... And the person needs to hear it ... Look, I invited you here because of X reason. In my mind, we had an agreement you would say Y length of time. Well, I'm wondering what your plans are for relocating. ... and you can add because we can't continue to host you. That's not what we agreed to, and I don't think it's helpful for you either. Then repeat ... Don't explain ... don't get lost in detail ... Just repeat ... And really you want to give a deadline. I can give you three weeks, but I need you to find a place ... I can't continue to host you. We had a moment like this a few months back ... when a friend of my landlord (I live in a shared house) visited for what supposedly was to be two days. The friend stayed three weeks and then decided to move in and my landlord agreed. The friend went out of town to get his stuff ... and then returned. Well on move-in day, the friend was clearly manic, throwing away household items, saying he could fly ... It was frightening. My landlord, who was the guy's friend, finally gathered us on the porch and he just had to tell his friend that the friend wasn't acting reasonably or rationally ... and that he couldn't allow the friend to stay ... and he asked the friend if he was willing to go get help ... Long story short: we guessed that the friend had bipolar but had gone off his medication ... So my landlord called local crisis officials ... and ended up taking out a commitment order ... and the police came at 2 in the morning and got the friend to go to the emergency psychiatric unit of a hospital nearby. Bottom line: there was no other path other than awkwardness. "You are not acting well." We had guessed that the friend had gone off his meds before he moved in with us ... and we were right. A few weeks after this episode, the friend called my landlord to say he was back on meds and he apologized. Anyway, sometimes there is not un-awkward way to have a talk. But the awkwardness is OK ... because frankly, there is something going on with your friend and you aren't really helping him or your friendship to allow him to stay far past his welcome. If you lose him as a friend, then he was an iffy friend to begin with. So however awkward, just remind yourself that you are doing the right thing for you, your family and ultimately (even if he doesn't immediately appreciate it) for your friend. Good luck. Life's challenges. Tone |
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Fuzzy12 (01-10-17) |
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#4
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Re: How to tell someone they've out stayed their welcome?
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It's just so freaking difficult to have a conversation with them. My dad goes off on a million tangents or just brushes me off by saying what HE needs. Of he gets offended. I'm scared he'll say thst he will never visit again if we don't want him. He akways does that when anyone does anything he doesn't like. Mostly with my sister though. |
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ginniebean (01-10-17) |
#5
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Re: How to tell someone they've out stayed their welcome?
Tell them you are going on a vacation in one week for a week or two.
(or time it to the day you want them out) They obviously can't stay in if you are gone . Even if they don't believe you , it does;t matter, they know they are out in one week , because you will be too. Plan your "vacation" for Saturday morning,,,,start packing if you have to ,,,,, This way, there is no conflict,, Depending on the relationship, with them ,, Fake deadlines ,,,don't work,,,,sound so familiar for us ADHD people,,,obviously doesn't work for them either.. So just make a real one! that will get them going..... If they ever find out about you not going on vacation , just tell them,,,someone got flu,stomach virus whatever. If vacation little lie doesn't work ,,,then a family emergency or something work related that requires travel and you are taking your family too because of whatever. |
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Fuzzy12 (01-10-17) |
#6
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Re: How to tell someone they've out stayed their welcome?
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My parents. So I can't make up anything. They know we arent going anywhere. . |
#7
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Re: How to tell someone they've out stayed their welcome?
I would be like you in this situation so this is another thread that I'll be following to see how to handle it.
__________________
ADHD-Inattentive, Adjustment Disorder w/Mixed Features of Anxiety and Depression, Dyscalculia (Math disability), Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, Adult Child of an Alcoholic. Strattera 100 mg, Wellbutrin 450 mg XL, Klonopin 0.5 mg as needed. Brene Brown Shame derives it's power from being unspeakable. Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change. Shame cannot survive being spoken. It can't survive empathy. |
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Fuzzy12 (01-10-17) |
#8
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Re: How to tell someone they've out stayed their welcome?
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Why are they staying with you? Are they lonely? Or other circumstances? You have only 2 choices regardless: 1. Tell them the truth, which I wouldn' t recommend. No matter what kind of excuses you use, no matter what you say, they will be hurt. No amount of rationalization, from your side will make this OK from your parent's view. 2. Make them leave due to circumstances that you create. -Without any detail's I can;t give you a specific advice but some are: -I decided to rent your room to a college student.We could use the extra $ (if you have enough money ,then tell them he is a friend of a friend and you wanna help him) -Remodeling or repair , so you are moving to a hotel for a while -Take them on a trip , far away and just leave them there, by mistake of course. do it 3-5 times at every rest stop,that will send a message. (just kidding) Even if they don;t believe you ,,regarding your fake vacation . It doesn't matter. At least they will see that you are a considered person who doesn't wanna hurt them. Just throw it out there, see how they react, |
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Fuzzy12 (01-10-17) |
#9
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Re: How to tell someone they've out stayed their welcome?
Haha
![]() I sort of got lucky. A good opprtuniry presented itself today to ask my dad about his plans and he said they are planning to leave next week. |
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Little Missy (01-10-17), Lunacie (01-11-17) |
#10
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Re: How to tell someone they've out stayed their welcome?
i would try to reinforce this, somehow, fuzzy. line up whatever additional care you need for fuzzling, ask for their specific leave date, line up the car...whatever gets something on the calendar so it's less amorphous. "next week", i'm guessing here, can easily slide into every week being next week, you know?
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#11
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Re: How to tell someone they've out stayed their welcome?
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#12
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Re: How to tell someone they've out stayed their welcome?
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It's all right to let them know that. In fact, it's essential.
__________________
Postmodernism, the school of 'thought' that proclaimed 'There are no truths, only interpretations' has largely played itself out in absurdity, but it has left behind a generation of academics in the humanities disabled by their distrust of the very idea of truth and their disrespect for evidence, settling for 'conversations' in which nobody is wrong and nothing can be confirmed, only asserted with whatever style you can muster. |
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Fuzzy12 (01-11-17) |
#13
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Re: How to tell someone they've out stayed their welcome?
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You could start it w/ something like Dad, I was reluctant to mention this because I was afraid you'd be hurt or overreact. At first I was happy you guys came but after awhile I was ready for you guys to leave, but I couldn't bring myself to tell you or Ma that out of fear of damaging our relationship. I am feeling terrible now because at first I was just really happy that you were leaving and later I realized I shouldn't feel that way about my folks. Hopefully they would jump in and say Dear, we knew you were upset, but didn't know why. We finally figured it out after we overheard you and your hubby talking. Next time , pls just tell your Mom and I. The last thing we want is to upset our little girl that much. Just a mental rambling on my part. -LN |
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Fuzzy12 (01-11-17) |
#14
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Re: How to tell someone they've out stayed their welcome?
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They don't ask for anything else really. Just to stay with me whenever and how long they want. Quote:
![]() Also they neither listen to me nor understand me when they do listen .. |
#15
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Re: How to tell someone they've out stayed their welcome?
You guys are right though. I jeed to have a much bigger more general xonversation qith them about the future..ie next year or much later when they might need to move in with us but that's the topic of jy other thread. I really don't want to have that conversation though. I just don't want to. It's hanging like a cloud over me.
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