How to tell someone they've out stayed their welcome?

[Fuzzy12]

They've stayed with us for almost 4 months now (with a few weeks off here and there). We've had almost continuously someone staying with us for the last 6 months. I don't even know how to start the topic but I know I need to. I'm getting angry and feeling guilty at the same time.

I had told them just 2 more weeks, that became a month, then another week and now they still haven't booked their tickets.

I love them to bits but hubby is going into depression and I am going crazy.

I'm just so scared to hurt them. And what if one of them dies before I see them again. I don't want them to think I don't care for them.

How do start thr conversation ?

[ginniebean]

offer to help them book their tickets. One of the problems of people pleasers is always wanting no conflict and everything to be nice. it only works if others are cooperative. Sometimea there is no way to say something nicely. Just be kind

[ToneTone]

First of all, remember you OWE them this talk .. this talk will be in THEIR best interest ...because the person is not acting in a mature way ... and they know it deep down ... they know they have gone beyond what you offered. Of course, this is putting you in a parent role, which is also unfair to you.

Just say it ... there is no "easy" way ... And the person needs to hear it ... Look, I invited you here because of X reason. In my mind, we had an agreement you would say Y length of time. Well, I'm wondering what your plans are for relocating. ... and you can add because we can't continue to host you. That's not what we agreed to, and I don't think it's helpful for you either.

Then repeat ... Don't explain ... don't get lost in detail ... Just repeat ... And really you want to give a deadline. I can give you three weeks, but I need you to find a place ... I can't continue to host you.

We had a moment like this a few months back ... when a friend of my landlord (I live in a shared house) visited for what supposedly was to be two days. The friend stayed three weeks and then decided to move in and my landlord agreed.

The friend went out of town to get his stuff ... and then returned. Well on move-in day, the friend was clearly manic, throwing away household items, saying he could fly ... It was frightening. My landlord, who was the guy's friend, finally gathered us on the porch and he just had to tell his friend that the friend wasn't acting reasonably or rationally ... and that he couldn't allow the friend to stay ... and he asked the friend if he was willing to go get help ...

Long story short: we guessed that the friend had bipolar but had gone off his medication ... So my landlord called local crisis officials ... and ended up taking out a commitment order ... and the police came at 2 in the morning and got the friend to go to the emergency psychiatric unit of a hospital nearby.

Bottom line: there was no other path other than awkwardness. "You are not acting well." We had guessed that the friend had gone off his meds before he moved in with us ... and we were right. A few weeks after this episode, the friend called my landlord to say he was back on meds and he apologized.

Anyway, sometimes there is not un-awkward way to have a talk. But the awkwardness is OK ... because frankly, there is something going on with your friend and you aren't really helping him or your friendship to allow him to stay far past his welcome.

If you lose him as a friend, then he was an iffy friend to begin with. So however awkward, just remind yourself that you are doing the right thing for you, your family and ultimately (even if he doesn't immediately appreciate it) for your friend.

Good luck. Life's challenges.

Tone

[Fuzzy12]

Originally Posted by ginniebean

offer to help them book their tickets. One of the problems of people pleasers is always wanting no conflict and everything to be nice. it only works if others are cooperative. Sometimea there is no way to say something nicely. Just be kind

Yes, that's a good idea. I think I might start it rhat way. Well I guess I'll start with asking them when they are planning to leave.

It's just so freaking difficult to have a conversation with them. My dad goes off on a million tangents or just brushes me off by saying what HE needs. Of he gets offended. I'm scared he'll say thst he will never visit again if we don't want him. He akways does that when anyone does anything he doesn't like. Mostly with my sister though.

[john2100]

Tell them you are going on a vacation in one week for a week or two.
(or time it to the day you want them out)

They obviously can't stay in if you are gone .

Even if they don't believe you , it does;t matter, they know they are out in one week , because you will be too.

Plan your "vacation" for Saturday morning,,,,start packing if you have to ,,,,,

This way, there is no conflict,,

Depending on the relationship, with them ,,


Fake deadlines ,,,don't work,,,,sound so familiar for us ADHD people,,,obviously doesn't work for them either..
So just make a real one! that will get them going.....

If they ever find out about you not going on vacation , just tell them,,,someone got flu,stomach virus whatever.


If vacation little lie doesn't work ,,,then a family emergency or something work related that requires travel and you are taking your family too because of whatever.

[Fuzzy12]

Originally Posted by john2100

Tell them you are going on a vacation in one week for a week or two.
(or time it to the day you want them out)

They obviously can't stay in if you are gone .

Even if they don't believe you , it does;t matter, they know they are out in one week , because you will be too.

Plan your "vacation" for Saturday morning,,,,start packing if you have to ,,,,,

This way, there is no conflict,,

Depending on the relationship, with them ,,


Fake deadlines ,,,don't work,,,,sound so familiar for us ADHD people,,,obviously doesn't work for them either..
So just make a real one! that will get them going.....

If they ever find out about you not going on vacation , just tell them,,,someone got flu,stomach virus whatever.


If vacation little lie doesn't work ,,,then a family emergency or something work related that requires travel and you are taking your family too because of whatever.

John it is my family...

My parents.

So I can't make up anything. They know we arent going anywhere. .

[finallyfound10]

I would be like you in this situation so this is another thread that I'll be following to see how to handle it.

[john2100]

John it is my family...

My parents.

So I can't make up anything. They know we arent going anywhere. .

Why are they staying with you?
Are they lonely? Or other circumstances?


You have only 2 choices regardless:

1. Tell them the truth, which I wouldn' t recommend. No matter what kind of excuses you use, no matter what you say, they will be hurt. No amount of rationalization, from your side will make this OK from your parent's view.


2. Make them leave due to circumstances that you create.
-Without any detail's I can;t give you a specific advice but some are:

-I decided to rent your room to a college student.We could use the extra $
(if you have enough money ,then tell them he is a friend of a friend and you wanna help him)

-Remodeling or repair , so you are moving to a hotel for a while

-Take them on a trip , far away and just leave them there, by mistake of course.
do it 3-5 times at every rest stop,that will send a message.
(just kidding)

Even if they don;t believe you ,,regarding your fake vacation . It doesn't matter.
At least they will see that you are a considered person who doesn't wanna hurt them.

Just throw it out there, see how they react,

[Fuzzy12]

Haha

I sort of got lucky. A good opprtuniry presented itself today to ask my dad about his plans and he said they are planning to leave next week.

[peripatetic]

Originally Posted by Fuzzy12

Haha

I sort of got lucky. A good opprtuniry presented itself today to ask my dad about his plans and he said they are planning to leave next week.

i would try to reinforce this, somehow, fuzzy. line up whatever additional care you need for fuzzling, ask for their specific leave date, line up the car...whatever gets something on the calendar so it's less amorphous. "next week", i'm guessing here, can easily slide into every week being next week, you know?

[Fuzzy12]

Originally Posted by peripatetic

i would try to reinforce this, somehow, fuzzy. line up whatever additional care you need for fuzzling, ask for their specific leave date, line up the car...whatever gets something on the calendar so it's less amorphous. "next week", i'm guessing here, can easily slide into every week being next week, you know?

Well j don't want to push it too much and make them feel unwanted. That's the big dilemma for me. I can cope with a few weeks extra if thst means they don't get hurt. I think.

[dvdnvwls]

Originally Posted by Fuzzy12

Well j don't want to push it too much and make them feel unwanted. That's the big dilemma for me. I can cope with a few weeks extra if thst means they don't get hurt. I think.

They ARE unwanted!!!

It's all right to let them know that. In fact, it's essential.

[Little Nut]

Originally Posted by Fuzzy12

Haha

I sort of got lucky. A good opprtuniry presented itself today to ask my dad about his plans and he said they are planning to leave next week.

Fuzz, Just an aside; With them being your parents, I wouldn't be surprised that they knew you were upset for quite some time, but finally realized their continued presence was what was upsetting you. In any event this may be an opportunity to open up a way to comfortably communicate future issues that may pop up.

You could start it w/ something like Dad, I was reluctant to mention this because I was afraid you'd be hurt or overreact. At first I was happy you guys came but after awhile I was ready for you guys to leave, but I couldn't bring myself to tell you or Ma that out of fear of damaging our relationship. I am feeling terrible now because at first I was just really happy that you were leaving and later I realized I shouldn't feel that way about my folks. Hopefully they would jump in and say Dear, we knew you were upset, but didn't know why. We finally figured it out after we overheard you and your hubby talking. Next time , pls just tell your Mom and I. The last thing we want is to upset our little girl that much.

Just a mental rambling on my part. -LN

[Fuzzy12]

Originally Posted by acdc01

They would have to to book their plane tickets already wouldn't they have? If so, I think they really are leaving and you can relax.

From what you wrote about your dad. The way he guilts you and your sister and makes threats when he doesn't get his way - well its extremely manipulative regardless of if he's a good dad in other ways. He's learned manipulating you works so he'll probably continue to do it.

I'd personally work on ways to change the pattern between you and your dad in the future. I believe you can stop this pattern. My dad is actually a lot like yours and me and my sisters have found things that work so I have hope you can too.

Yes he's quite openly quite manipulative but when can I do?? Not get manipulated??

Originally Posted by dvdnvwls

It's likely that your parents have ADHD or other things.

It's also very obvious that your parents normally ignore your needs and make decisions that help no one.

Next week is probably fine, but as others have said, you will have to "police" that yourself; they're very likely to ignore it as they have in the past.

You've conditioned yourself since childhood to continue trusting them even when they prove over and over again that they can't be trusted. Don't suddenly be hostile to them because that won't help, but the core of the matter is that you need to stop trusting your parents and start policing them.

I trust that they love me and want my beat even if they can't see what is best for me (or believe me when I tell them) or can't provide that for me.

They don't ask for anything else really. Just to stay with me whenever and how long they want.

Originally Posted by Little Nut

Fuzz, Just an aside; With them being your parents, I wouldn't be surprised that they knew you were upset for quite some time, but finally realized their continued presence was what was upsetting you. In any event this may be an opportunity to open up a way to comfortably communicate future issues that may pop up.

You could start it w/ something like Dad, I was reluctant to mention this because I was afraid you'd be hurt or overreact. At first I was happy you guys came but after awhile I was ready for you guys to leave, but I couldn't bring myself to tell you or Ma that out of fear of damaging our relationship. I am feeling terrible now because at first I was just really happy that you were leaving and later I realized I shouldn't feel that way about my folks. Hopefully they would jump in and say Dear, we knew you were upset, but didn't know why. We finally figured it out after we overheard you and your hubby talking. Next time , pls just tell your Mom and I. The last thing we want is to upset our little girl that much.

Just a mental rambling on my part. -LN

I can't imagine having a sentimental conversation like that. I'd feel super awkward.

Also they neither listen to me nor understand me when they do listen ..

[Fuzzy12]

You guys are right though. I jeed to have a much bigger more general xonversation qith them about the future..ie next year or much later when they might need to move in with us but that's the topic of jy other thread. I really don't want to have that conversation though. I just don't want to. It's hanging like a cloud over me.