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Old 01-09-17, 08:00 PM
PolaBear PolaBear is offline
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This is kind of similar to a feel ther posts here but wanted to share a situation.

Long story to short I had money credited in my account this weekend I didn't expect at this time. Have mentioned before on here that I'm on a debt management plan, and most money right now just goes to pay what has to be paid. However, something iv mentioned before on here is the fact that having no money changes your whole mindset in terms of walking into stores and not feeling the want to buy as you don't have that capability, or not now looking online to see what I could buy, not what I want to necessarily just what I "could" as I had the funds to do so. It's more of a novelty thing than anything else and can remember it way back, as a kid was always looking to buy or collect with no real pattern, then the comedown from it would hit after a purchase (a lot of times on thing again that weren't always necessary).

Without that iv grown so much as thoughts then have been to learn about me and how things are in perspective and experiences, any money iv had has gone on places to see/petrol to get there etc rather than stuff. And then on the trips it's been more taking in the environment, nature or city and relating that to myself. Before there wasn't that at the forefront as I could just go and buy something, can remember going to malls etc and every store was an opportunity to get something (insane).

So this money appears and the thought really would be to pay off a few things or save it until something comes up. But stimulus doesn't work that way. There's also the vibe of getting something with the money, headphone/trainers/another trip/online stuff, even today I saw things and I can "afford" them in this moment (yeh I know). Now though there's an anxiety as it's almost as if there's a put on that I have to deal with this somehow, it's away from the developing and honesty iv had and like, as before that's a seperate thing, most of the time it's just on petrol or to keep going until the next time. There's no balance, even at times in my life when iv had to save it's been a complete lockdown, so spend nothing and do nothing either, which is another side of crazy. There's almost a part of me that doesn't want it as it's taking away from the "truth" of day to day and the things I deal with, as now I can boost myself with this.

In no way am I against having things at all, but this isn't really about that it's a stimulus and novelty thing, it's not even like something is going on but then with some money you get what you need, this is more about "whatever you see you consider". There's not a thought of tomorrow, its changed the dynamic of going to places as things are in play. If it's 10it would be things to get with 10.if it was 10000 it would be things to get with that, no separation.

Yeh it's insane, and where I was at the day before was a lot more real. In some ways this is what had me in a completely wrong job environment with no perspective on how to get to another frequency, as however bored/depressed/anxious I was, the answer would be to self stimulate through buying something, anything, for that high (then low). At one time if I thought I wanted to do something the answer would be to go and buy a load of clothes that suited it or something from a commercial. So instead of "if I do this a byproduct might be that I could express or have this" it would be "if I buy stuff associated with it that will feel like I'm doing it". Again insane.

Thoughts always are appreciated.
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