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Old 01-07-17, 11:33 PM
Brooklynd Brooklynd is offline
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In need of help and advice with ADHD Boyfriend.

Hello, I'm new to this forum and am in need to help understanding my ADHD boyfriend. His ways are starting to tear our relationship apart and I don't know what to do about it. I've read articles and such, but thought getting direct advice from others that deal with ADHD on a daily basis might be more helpful.

Just recently my boyfriend and I have moved in together and I'm starting to see his ADHD more than when we lived separately. I can handle the never sleeping, disorganization, and forgetfulness. But I can't handle the lies, stealing, and impulsivity to do bad things. Since we've lived together I've found him lying about losing his job, in which he pretended to go for about a week and half. Said he paid rent and 2 weeks later found an eviction letter on our door, he didn't pay a dime, though tried to pay 5 different times and every check came back declined. He spends money like crazy. But worst of all, I've found that he's stealing neighbors mail, including banking information and credit cards. Though none have been activated, he admit he thought about it when he lost his job. He tried to explain he doesn't know why he lies and does these terrible things, but I'm assuming it has to do with his impulses when he's bored. He's also an ex addict and found a used bottle of cocaine under the mattress. He took a drug test and he was clean. He said it was old and when we moved and he found it, he didn't know what to do with it, so he hid it there.

I'm at my wits end trying to understand the way his brain is wired. I love him, he's a sweet man and does so much for me, he's not all bad. But I don't know how to help this problem and neither does he. The only solution I can come up with is medication and counseling. I'm still not sure that would even help with keeping me in this relationship.

I hope someone might be able to help shed some light on how to deal with this and if this is normal ADHD behavior?
Thank you in advance!
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Old 01-08-17, 01:07 AM
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Re: In need of help and advice with ADHD Boyfriend.

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Originally Posted by Brooklynd View Post

The only solution I can come up with is medication and counseling. I'm still not sure that would even help with keeping me in this relationship. Forget about trying to figure out the ADHD brain. I have spent my whole life trying to figure out my own and still can't.

I hope someone might be able to help shed some light on how to deal with this and if this is normal ADHD behavior?
Thank you in advance!
Hey, welcome to the forum.
I think you have already come up with the most viable solution. Counseling and treatment of his ADHD sound most critical.

Some of what you describe may be considered "normal ADHD behavior" such as impulsiveness, forgetfulness and being disorganized.

The lying, stealing and bad behavior may be uncontrollable for him due to having ADHD but I would not consider that to be "normal ADHD behavior." I put that in quotes because there really isn't really a "normal" pattern for our behavior.

Getting proper treatment for his ADHD will most certainly help but to what extent, may be up to him.

Best wishes,
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Old 01-08-17, 10:51 AM
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Re: In need of help and advice with ADHD Boyfriend.

Stealing other people's mail is a Federal Offense.
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Old 01-08-17, 12:15 PM
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Re: In need of help and advice with ADHD Boyfriend.

Quote:
I'm at my wits end trying to understand the way his brain is wired.

I hope someone might be able to help shed some light on how to deal with this and if this is normal ADHD behavior?
You are describing a behavior that is just as common is non adhd people.
There many adhd people who lead healthy, responsible life with or without medication.

You can't blame ADD for everything. ADD certainly doesn't help , but it will not make you steal mail for example of just stop going to work.

I'd say watch Russel Barkley videos on adhd on youtube to get better understanding and couple of books ,for example: Driven to distraction ,hallowell
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Old 01-08-17, 12:37 PM
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Re: In need of help and advice with ADHD Boyfriend.

Even though he may have ADHD.... ADHD is not an excuse for the behaviours you describe.

The most crucial aspect is whether your partner accepts the toxicity of his behaviours and actively seeks to change, not just by taking med but also by doing some kind of process such as therapy or 12 step program.

In a situation like this it is important to look closely at YOUR OWN behaviours.... why are you willing to accept behaviours that are well beyond the boundaries of acceptability in a healthy relationship? This would indicate that you are "needy" in some way that he fulfills.... and it's these unconscious needs that are going to cause problems for you both now and in the future.

These situations are interactions of TWO peoples needs and issues...... his and YOURS...... so even if you move out and terminate the relationship I would advise you look closely at why you ignored possible warning signs and moved in.
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Old 01-08-17, 05:15 PM
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Re: In need of help and advice with ADHD Boyfriend.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of that; to me the lying is unacceptable; medication and counseling can definitely help in a huge way if he is open. Ethics are another matter, and I would have a heart to heart with him over the deception; relationships are but on trust; his issues sound more than just adhd, and I am one.
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Old 01-10-17, 05:15 PM
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Re: In need of help and advice with ADHD Boyfriend.

Thank you so much for everyone's advice and help! Sorry it took me a while to respond. I just wanted to clarify, as to why it's gotten this far with this relationship is because I've been ill practically since I've met him. Had a bad mold problem in my apartment and had to get out asap. Really didn't have many other options and he's no all bad. He's taken care of me and it means the world to me. But there's this other side to him (as mentioned above) that scares the crap out of me. I knew there were red flags, but didn't know how bad it was till we moved in together. Now I'm aware that this isn't really common with ADHD individuals, though I did find one person who has a son with the same problems who has ADHD. I'm thinking this may have more to do with this shady past of addiction.

Since I've posted my original thread we've talked quite a bit, he says he's willing to get help as he knows he has many problems.. but I've yet to see him make an appt with a therapist or anything. We've read articles together so I could try to understand and so we could figure out ways to work on this problem, but nothing much has come from it. I feel as though he's going to let me walk and I'm sad thinking this was all a farce. But leaving will ultimately be the best thing I can do. Just terribly confused with what the hell happened here!
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Old 01-11-17, 04:38 PM
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Re: In need of help and advice with ADHD Boyfriend.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brooklynd View Post
Thank you so much for everyone's advice and help! Sorry it took me a while to respond. I just wanted to clarify, as to why it's gotten this far with this relationship is because I've been ill practically since I've met him. Had a bad mold problem in my apartment and had to get out asap. Really didn't have many other options and he's no all bad. He's taken care of me and it means the world to me. But there's this other side to him (as mentioned above) that scares the crap out of me. I knew there were red flags, but didn't know how bad it was till we moved in together. Now I'm aware that this isn't really common with ADHD individuals, though I did find one person who has a son with the same problems who has ADHD. I'm thinking this may have more to do with this shady past of addiction.

Since I've posted my original thread we've talked quite a bit, he says he's willing to get help as he knows he has many problems.. but I've yet to see him make an appt with a therapist or anything. We've read articles together so I could try to understand and so we could figure out ways to work on this problem, but nothing much has come from it. I feel as though he's going to let me walk and I'm sad thinking this was all a farce. But leaving will ultimately be the best thing I can do. Just terribly confused with what the hell happened here!

@BrooklynNd , I am going through your same situation, let me tell you for me its ehxausting!!, I still don't live with my boyfriend but he is messy and just clutters everything,he is also forgetful, impulsive as heck,etc, but his Adhd beahiour is really odd for me, What other signs/symptoms do you see in your boyfriend that you find weird? tell me a little bit more about your expercience!
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Old 01-11-17, 05:20 PM
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Re: In need of help and advice with ADHD Boyfriend.

Ok this may sound harsh- I would run as fast as I could. There is no way this is all because of adhd. In fact the lying and law breaking I would say is not at all like adhd. Stealing the neighbor's mail? Looking at financial information? Lying about working and not paying the rent can be easy oversights for someone with adhd but when you couple it with the other stuff it does not sound very adhd-like to me.
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Old 01-11-17, 06:02 PM
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Re: In need of help and advice with ADHD Boyfriend.

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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Ok this may sound harsh- I would run as fast as I could. There is no way this is all because of adhd. In fact the lying and law breaking I would say is not at all like adhd. Stealing the neighbor's mail? Looking at financial information? Lying about working and not paying the rent can be easy oversights for someone with adhd but when you couple it with the other stuff it does not sound very adhd-like to me.
This isn't harsh at all. Stealing mails is a FEDERAL offense. For your own safety, you need to either move as fast as you can without him knowing or call the police and have them take him away unless you want to be an accessory.

You are going to be in deep trouble.
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Old 01-11-17, 09:45 PM
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Re: In need of help and advice with ADHD Boyfriend.

I agree: someone lies to you about working ... and steals mail ... can we say dangerous person here? Nothing good can come of living with him.

As others have said: don't want ... call your friends up ... and run out of the door. Lies have nothing to do with ADHD.

Tone
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Old 01-12-17, 01:30 PM
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Re: In need of help and advice with ADHD Boyfriend.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brooklynd View Post
Thank you so much for everyone's advice and help! Sorry it took me a while to respond. I just wanted to clarify, as to why it's gotten this far with this relationship is because I've been ill practically since I've met him. Had a bad mold problem in my apartment and had to get out asap. Really didn't have many other options and he's no all bad. He's taken care of me and it means the world to me. But there's this other side to him (as mentioned above) that scares the crap out of me. I knew there were red flags, but didn't know how bad it was till we moved in together. Now I'm aware that this isn't really common with ADHD individuals, though I did find one person who has a son with the same problems who has ADHD. I'm thinking this may have more to do with this shady past of addiction.

Since I've posted my original thread we've talked quite a bit, he says he's willing to get help as he knows he has many problems.. but I've yet to see him make an appt with a therapist or anything. We've read articles together so I could try to understand and so we could figure out ways to work on this problem, but nothing much has come from it. I feel as though he's going to let me walk and I'm sad thinking this was all a farce. But leaving will ultimately be the best thing I can do. Just terribly confused with what the hell happened here!
Look at the bolded parts....none of them should ever be present in a truthful, committed relationship.
LEAVE ASAP even if you have to crash on someone's couch for awhile.
None of this is healthy and not being "all that bad" isnt good. Its not good enough for you. You deserve better than that.
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Old 01-13-17, 12:22 AM
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Re: In need of help and advice with ADHD Boyfriend.

You guys are absolutely right. I'm looking for an apartment of my own as we speak. I've always been a very independent non-codependent woman all of my life, but I can't figure out why I'm even slightly sad that I'm leaving - but I know it's what I need to do. A part of me will miss him - I hear myself saying this and want to shake me! I feel I've possibly been manipulated to the point where I feel I'm losing my mind. I love him and I hate him. But ultimately I know I'm doing the right thing.
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Old 01-13-17, 02:05 PM
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Re: In need of help and advice with ADHD Boyfriend.

Well, you're not alone--not by a long shot.

There is this sort of rule of dating that goes like this: the more you invest in a person ... the more time and hope and even patience we expend ... the more committed we (not them) become to the person.

Logic would say the person who treats us the nicest would be the person we most value and feel most committed to ... But that's only one part of human nature. The other side of human nature is that the person who puts up with the most crap ends up feeling most invested and committed--if only to justify our investment of time, energy and hope.

When we're with someone who acts wildly inappropriate and we forgive them/overlook the problem/minimize the problem--especially early on--we get into trouble. Once you do that one time, it's easier to do it a second time ... and the next thing you know, you're deep into a relationship closing your eyes to and minimizing all kinds of bad stuff and flat-out bad treatment. And then you can get into the whole embarrassment thing: I was too embarrassed for what I put up with from my ex to honestly share it with friends.

I was talking to a former girlfriend of mine ... we have become sorta friends ... and we both agreed that it's best early on to pay attention--loud attention--to any inappropriate behavior and confront it right then and there. If it turns out that the behavior that upsets us isn't a real problem, then that will become obvious over time. The worst thing is to minimize problem behaviors.

Anyway, good luck.

Tone
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Old 01-13-17, 04:42 PM
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Re: In need of help and advice with ADHD Boyfriend.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ToneTone View Post
Well, you're not alone--not by a long shot.

There is this sort of rule of dating that goes like this: the more you invest in a person ... the more time and hope and even patience we expend ... the more committed we (not them) become to the person.

Logic would say the person who treats us the nicest would be the person we most value and feel most committed to ... But that's only one part of human nature. The other side of human nature is that the person who puts up with the most crap ends up feeling most invested and committed--if only to justify our investment of time, energy and hope.

When we're with someone who acts wildly inappropriate and we forgive them/overlook the problem/minimize the problem--especially early on--we get into trouble. Once you do that one time, it's easier to do it a second time ... and the next thing you know, you're deep into a relationship closing your eyes to and minimizing all kinds of bad stuff and flat-out bad treatment. And then you can get into the whole embarrassment thing: I was too embarrassed for what I put up with from my ex to honestly share it with friends.

I was talking to a former girlfriend of mine ... we have become sorta friends ... and we both agreed that it's best early on to pay attention--loud attention--to any inappropriate behavior and confront it right then and there. If it turns out that the behavior that upsets us isn't a real problem, then that will become obvious over time. The worst thing is to minimize problem behaviors.

Anyway, good luck.

Tone

You're absolutely right about everything you stated! It's nice to hear an understanding ear from someone who's gone through a similar situation. I understand you may not want to discuss what happened between you and your ex, but I'd be interested to hear your experience. Was it a similar situation due to adhd? Thank you so much for your response!
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