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Old 09-28-11, 08:54 AM
Jewelz81 Jewelz81 is offline
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Post My revised story of adhd undiagnosed, trying to take to first consulation today

Trying to bring to first consultation today, that is if I can find a printer along the bus route from here to my appointment at 11am,ct.

"My experiences that lead me to believe ADHD is highly likely for me.
I recently turned 30 years old. I started becoming aware of my "inattentive" tendencies in High School and that I may have ADD/HD. I realized that I very often spaced out during conversations with friends or other people, even if I was truly interested in what they were saying. I realized I zoned out in class often, but at the time didn't really think it was that big of a deal, just joked that I probably had a.d.d. Or something perhaps? Then I spoke to a friend's mother who had become like a second mother to me during high school. I told her about my thoughts about possibly having a.d.d and she seemed to agree and mentioned understanding what I meant by what I experienced. I had a dysfunctional family upbringing, mother depressed and often just plain in bed all day, father taking off for Florida from WI at least once a year, for 3-7 months at a time. They divorced when I was 15.
My mother has a lot of mental health and physical health issues, including thyroid problems, anxiety, etc. However, I was tested in college and showed up normal thyroid results at that time. My father would appear to have some of the symptoms of ADHD in his life. My mother says in the 17 years they were married he held nearly 50, 5-0 different jobs. He has poor credit, and is unemployed/layed off from last job for a while now, at an age where he's a few years shy of the retirement age, he just turned 60.

I've also never been the type to want to take medication to "fix" things either, not to mention I forget to do things like that frequently, such as taking an antibiotic until it has finished. Or things like vitamins... I buy on occasion, take for a couple of days, and then they just sit there on a counter, in a cupboard, etc. I forget things on a regular basis, what I was saying, what I was doing, where I put this or that, constant disorganized state, messy apartments, unmotivated to do the things I know I need to be doing.

I made it through college, but was always doing things at the last minute, papers, studying for tests, homework, etc. I had more than once instance where I showed up for a class, completely forgetting that there was a test even in that same week, let alone that day. I ended up studying psychology because it fascinated me to learn about, and I did graduate, after transferring twice from 2 other U.W. schools, I finished my last 3 years at University of Wisconsin Green Bay. That degree was finished with a rather average 2.77 GPA My first ever college semester (at 14 credits) was at a 2 year University of Wisconsin transfer school. I took intro Psychology and got an A.
However when it came time for college algebra, (a subject I greatly struggled with in high school) I dropped it after the first week (and dropped one more time at UWGB before finally scraping by the 3rd attempt with a C. Towards my last year of college I learned more about ADHD in my cognitive psychology course. I spoke to my professor after class, and I went to take a recommended online symptom checker. I had about 95% of the adult symptoms.*
I do believe I had better stress and coping skills in college than I do at the present time, 6 years later. I managed to take 19 credits (exactly what I needed to finish) in my final semester, worked 2 part time jobs (briefly 3, seasonally) and managed a 3.0 in that final semester of entirely upper level psychology courses. Today, I've tried going back/going further in school a few times, and I just find it much much harder to manage my time, my stress levels, my motivation is usually low, and priorities are usually way off from what I need to be doing or focusing on at the present.

I have still never received an official diagnosis or any assessment of ADHD, nor any school testing for disorders or other impairments I could have had also, that I am aware of, nor any treatment. I was held back once, they said I was pretty good, but just not quite ready, but after that, from 1st to 5th grades, I was placed a year ahead of the rest of my courses in reading class alone. I was an avid reader as a child, more than most for a long time. In high school I tried writing some of my own short stories, usually along the romance story type (That became what I read, at 7th & 8th grade anyway) had a couple of short hand written stories, and then my Senior year of h.s. Began typing a story I had in my head.
I got to about 45 pages written, when I somehow lost the file/floppy disk corrupted on the one school computer that was available for personal use. It took me until my last year of college to write another story after that, I was discouraged from writing. I wrote a short story involving a love triangle, the characters representing 2 men I dated in college within a short time of each other. I wrote it in about 3-4 weeks initially, then revised it a few times. I have not written a full story since, part of me thinks that was a bit of a therapeutic release for those dating stories I had.
I have sought counseling a few times, the last time being 2004-05 with the University of Wisc. Green Bay student health center counselor that last year or two of college, that I can recall. I rarely have had a full time job, and if I did, it wasn't usually long enough (or jumped from PT to FT to PT at the worst times) to have health insurance. I do believe I was given one psychological test in middle school, it was a time where my parents and myself were becoming more dysfunctional. I remember trying to figure out what the pictures or ink blots were supposed to be showing me. Even back then, I wondered what they wanted me to say that I was seeing there. What they were looking for in my answers.
I do tend to believe in more natural medicine and not taking a pill to cover up problems so I'm not sure on the medication side for any potential diagnosis, although from joining ADD Forums, many people say they have found a world of difference. I thought I could manage myself on my own, and as I said, I've rarely had medical insurance. I have horrible money management skills, my money is spent in small amounts, but gone quickly. I have terrible credit, still owe money for old accounts here or there, I am always changing or quitting jobs (probably worse in the past 3-4 years, past 2 years even more so). I have walked out on a job out of frustration over stress and conflicts 3x now, once was at the last week of training course for a call center job directly with AT&T, union benefits and everything. Although most of the people in our class training experience had quit before it was over besides myself.

Also, I can't make a decision to save my life, I have about 7 different career ideas I think I would equally enjoy.. but work low level jobs (Even after college) because all the experience I have is in retail, customer service, and restaurants. I was a good and horrible waitress at the same time, good with talking to customers and being personable, horrible at forgetting to enter SOMETHING almost every time I worked. I was asked to resign after my hours were first cut, then I took a full time call center job (HATE these by the way, the sitting at a cube literally makes me antsy and very anxious) and they told me I was being taken off the schedule due to a new rule about how many days part time employees needed to work per week. But really, I was also told it had partly to do with my level of mistakes or forgetting things. I was told by a coworker, the office record only showed “no longer works here” and nothing more.

I took a similar test to what I did in college and scored an 88 (recommended to seek help immediately..) Took this test..*http://psychcentral.com/cgi-bin/addquiz.cgi
I scored a 24, with 16 & up being the highest possibility of ADHD presence on another screening online.

And to be honest, I feel like everything has gotten worse in the past couple of years.

I get much more easily frustrated with anything from a big problem to silly little things, I have a harder time focusing and being motivated than ever, am always disorganized and my place is almost always a mess and I can't find anything. I move just about every year when a lease is up, the idea of even signing a lease still makes me cringe because I feel “tied down” if I would ever have a change in circumstances or job or school in another area. I feel more depressed at times lately, but that comes and I feel it goes with the situations at hand (most that I create myself).

I'm trying to further my education now, and I seem to change schools and programs almost each semester. I'm really angry at myself lately. I'm starting to think I am self sabotaging and sometimes maybe even do things I don't even think about beforehand that are self sabotaging.* *Even when I studied psychology, I believed more in mind over matter and experiences having a definite affect on mental health problems. I'm just not sure my mind is strong enough to overcome this matter anymore.
I think it's gotten worse lately, as far as self sabotaging things in my life, little and big, over and over again.* I miss appointments, miss or skip for one reason or another, any attempts I've made at volunteering to find more experience for something I might actually enjoy doing even. I find something I don't like about something, and I'm screwed for staying interested. Or I am interested and have an entire month where one week I'm sick with bronchitis/sinusitis, next week sprain an ankle (I've done this several times to both ankles – quite accident prone sometimes, and a number of car accidents in my past as well) the following week a bladder infection, and then a menstrual period. All making me feel like I could not make my 2 day a week volunteering, when I had just recently quit my job at the time (January 2011).
I have lived off some student loans for a couple of online classes here and there to supplement my poor employment habits recently. I got another job in April of this year, which due to the back and neck problems I have from the car accidents, trips and falls, and working jobs like retail, and banquet serving (heavy trays). This job, walking around on concrete all day put me at an 7-8 level of pain after about 2 weeks.

I stayed until July, when dealing with a dating scenario where we disagreed on everything, losing my car to a bad clutch, and feeling sick to my stomach from all the stress, I finally was “encouraged” to resign from my job before they fired me. I'm afraid to get a job now, because I am afraid I will have the same things happen over and over again and lose that job too, and that's if anyone would even hire me given my more recent not impressive length of time with employers.

I'm just so beyond frustrated. I've actually thought about trying to take a break from reality, or at least "my reality" once or twice in the past year, and go on a long camping spree across the state. Crazy, right? Irresponsible? Running from my problems? I've also felt I had gypsy/nomad/wanderer somewhere in my DNA. My father has lived in IL, WI, NY, FL, TN & MD in his life. His father, my grandfather, was married 4 times (although the last one stuck for 30 years, they fought all the time over little stuff) and was everything from an army man in ww2 Germany, to a truck driver, and rail road worker.. all jobs “on the move” so to speak.
I relocated from WI to Austin the end of July last year (2010) because I can't handle the long winters anymore, and also felt like I needed a change of scenery, maybe THAT would help me to stop spinning my wheels for once and going backwards if anywhere.

The last thing I'd like to mention for now, is.. as long as I can remember, even as a child.. I have had a terrible time trying to fall asleep, as well as not wanting to wake up in the mornings. My grandparents (who helped raise me) would tell me that sometimes, especially on weekends. I “slept the clock around” as a kid. I still have trouble falling asleep, which has also lead me to stay up into the wee hours because sometimes I don't see the point in trying to sleep.
More recently, the past few months, I have found myself waking up after I have fallen asleep and staying awake for different amounts of time. My mother is a chronic insomniac, my father also has some trouble falling asleep. My mother may have bi-polar and anxiety, but as of recent I've realized she may also have some hidden adhd tendencies that could also account for how she has been throughout her life. My mother has dealt with a lot, from a boyfriend dying in a car accident, to another boyfriend who took advantage of her physically in high school, to 17 years of fighting with my father, and maybe some other things too that I am not fully aware of myself.
"
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Old 09-28-11, 09:02 AM
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Re: My revised story of adhd undiagnosed, trying to take to first consulation today

While I think you probably could have ADHD based on what you have written some doctors would agree and others would argue that you do not show enough symptoms in your childhood. You have a lot of data on your adult life but not much on your childhood. That is what precludes a lot of doctors from diagnosing ADHD because if there is no childhood impairment there is no ADHD. So If I was you I would spend as much time as you can trying to remember how you acted in school when you were younger.

Remember its already hard for most doctors to want to give you an ADHD diagnoses so you want to make it as easy as possible for them to do so.
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Old 09-28-11, 09:16 AM
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Re: My revised story of adhd undiagnosed, trying to take to first consulation today

Yea being a girl, I didn't act out like boys do, all I remember was seeing "needs to pay more attention, not working to potential" on report cards. Girls get missed, almost every time.. So if they know anything about ADHD they should know this much.
Also, if you can..Women and ADD, a great burden.pdf

Women w. Adhd. not excuse du jou.pdf
open the pdf docs I am attaching on scholarly journal articles on the differences in women with adhd.
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Old 09-28-11, 09:20 AM
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Re: My revised story of adhd undiagnosed, trying to take to first consulation today

I am not doubting you because I am Inattentive so i was not noticed at all in school either. I am just saying the doctors need to know that you got "needs to pay more attention, not working to potential" on report cards and other things like that instead of more about your adult struggles.
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Old 09-28-11, 09:29 AM
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Re: My revised story of adhd undiagnosed, trying to take to first consulation today

Doing homework at the last minute? The morning before going to school, or right before or between classes? Does that count also? Not wanting to get up or get ready for school in the morning? Only got in trouble or acted out at home, never in school.
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Old 09-28-11, 09:55 AM
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Re: My revised story of adhd undiagnosed, trying to take to first consulation today

Yes, write that stuff down.

In 5th grade, I used to panic about writing assignments that were due the next day that I'd only just started. My mom would sit with me past midnight until I got it done. And then I'd get an A++. Is that even a real grade?

Constant procrastinating is a major symptom even if you still pull it off.
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Old 09-28-11, 09:13 PM
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Re: My revised story of adhd undiagnosed, trying to take to first consulation today

Well I went, session went about 1 hr 15 mins....
She only asked me a few questions about why I think I have it, barely at all even looked at the 3 pages I had typed out (and hand written a few things I forgot) and asked me a bunch of why do u think you have adhd? what would it mean or do for you to say you had it? (sort of like i want it as my excuse perhaps?) What would that change if I said you have it?
That I'm perhaps "on paper adhd" but thinks I could explore ways to work it out with just counseling - - no tests or anything even mentioned -- Just a lot of why do you think that is etc? I almost got really ****** off for a minute that she suggested I just liked not working better, no, not really, just such a mess I am self destructing lately... idk.. I liked her in some ways... and as I told her I'm not sure I want meds or not anyway because I can't finish an antibiotic so if I forget/don't take adhd meds, that won't help either? I did agree with some of what she said ..
She's also the first person I recall to ever refer to ME as being "cerebral" ...

Last edited by Jewelz81; 09-28-11 at 09:14 PM.. Reason: a.d.ding things.
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Old 09-28-11, 09:52 PM
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Re: My revised story of adhd undiagnosed, trying to take to first consulation today

Wow, that sounds really dismissive. I'm sorry to hear you had to put up with that.
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Old 09-28-11, 10:01 PM
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Re: My revised story of adhd undiagnosed, trying to take to first consulation today

WAIT!
Sort of recalling now that she initially said something to the effect that everyone has the same capabilities and can "overcome" those adhd tendencies with enough proper "help"
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Old 09-28-11, 10:03 PM
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Re: My revised story of adhd undiagnosed, trying to take to first consulation today

WAIT!
Sort of recalling now that she initially said something to the effect that everyone has the same capabilities and can "overcome" those adhd tendencies with enough proper "help"


I believe the irony here, is that I used to also think similar to her, especially when I was in college studying psychology.. that you can just "mind over matter" things like depression/anxiety/etc etc etc away if you just "try hard enough" to overcome them.
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Old 09-28-11, 10:27 PM
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Re: My revised story of adhd undiagnosed, trying to take to first consulation today

If I was you I would see her one more time and tell her that she is a clueless moron who is going to ruin peoples lives onces she graduates with her belief in mind over matter. Clinical diagnoses of mental illnesses cannot be fixed without medication/physical treatment. Its like a parapalegic trying harder to walk or a blind man trying harder to see. It can't be done? I will try harder to overcome my ADHD...... Trust me I have been trying hard my whole life and only medication has helped.
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Old 09-28-11, 10:37 PM
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Re: My revised story of adhd undiagnosed, trying to take to first consulation today

I just remembered something from my elementary/middle school days.
I used to do homework (when I did do it on time) with a television and radio running simultaneously, and was convinced that it actually helped me to work on my homework.
????
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Old 09-28-11, 10:40 PM
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Re: My revised story of adhd undiagnosed, trying to take to first consulation today

Likewise. It wasn't quite to the point where "willing" them away would work, but I was taught that every trait existed on a spectrum, and I don't entirely believe that anymore.

There is a group of people with once version of the DAT (dopamine transporter) gene, another group with another version, etc, and other mutations beside. And there is an interplay of these mutations that cause discrete differences. And those differences interplay with other genetic traits, and environment, to create a unique individual.

And so to some extent, the picture isn't a smooth bell curve, but layer upon layer of binary/trinary/quaternary/etc traits that eventually blur into what looks like a bell curve.

So say the trait "working memory" is made up of 21 little genes, the first twenty each making 1 point of difference, and the 21st gene makes a 20 point difference on top of that. Say 90% of people have the big one turned on and their range is then 20 to 40... The 10% who have it turned off can never exceed 20. (Very rough metaphor!)

Thinking of traits as a perfectly continuous bell-curved spectrum is problematic in some situations.

/bigthinkies

Anyway. If you like this person, she might be fine for dealing with emotional issues, but she doesn't seem to understand ADHD at all.

Sometimes people who deal with a lot of teens are more up-to-date on ADHD. I really don't know what to tell you... I had a similar kind of experience but I had sort of forgotten I'd been Dx'd with ADHD a couple of years earlier, and wasted a lot of time with a therapist who just didn't get me.
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Old 09-28-11, 10:45 PM
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Re: My revised story of adhd undiagnosed, trying to take to first consulation today

Wow, that's interesting.. but I have to say the understanding formulas in statistics and that side of psychology was never my strong point, I think partially to do with never understanding algebra equations and things similar to that. I decided one day that someone just made algebra up to look smart, and it really made zero sense whatsoever, in reality.
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Old 09-29-11, 05:01 AM
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Re: My revised story of adhd undiagnosed, trying to take to first consulation today

I know you waited for this appt but I feel really disappointed for you. Can you see someone else? A specialist? There are many things doctors use for a diagnosis and certainly a lot of q&a and talking but bejng dismissed by any doctor for any reason raises a red flag for me. If you went to a doctor complaining about fatigue and pain and they just said get more rest and excersise more you would be mad right? The same thing goes for adhd. You deserve quality care.
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