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Anxiety Disorders, OCD & PTSD A forum to discuss Anxiety, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Panic Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Simple Phobias, and Social Anxiety Disorder

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Old 09-26-04, 11:25 AM
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Dreameralive_sky Dreameralive_sky is offline
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Angry I have ocd..hear my story here..

I really hate to have ocd.

My story begins like this..

I have alot of conflicts with my father. He is 66 and i am 21 and because of this generation gap and his attitude. We just cannot communicate. When i made mistakes and quarelle with him, i am a very strong headed person, he will say he will use the computer and smash my head. Then i say go ahead. But in my heart i am actually very scared. He seems very violent. But he never really hit me with things. He also said he will use the chair and bang my head. He also said he will force me eat all the drugs for cold so i can die, because i threatened that i will suicide by overdosing paracetamol or other drugs. Then he would force my hands to my mouth and made me eat. He really wanna me die. Then he will curse and scold. However i didn't eat them in front of him. I just abuse those drugs when i am alone.

He have no money. When he was younger he does not save money well or plan for future. For the past 4 years my education fees some were from relatives and mostly my mom paid for me. She is old and uneducated but she will willing to take on any job to get money to see me graduate. I am really touched. But for my dad he never do this kind of thing for us. He is selfish and has a big attitude. He brags alot and always tell me he will buy this or that for me, but actually his wallet is empty. He likes to say empty words. Not only is he arrogant and like to brag, he cannot get along with his colleagues and always so arrogant.

He used to quit job within 2 weeks or one month then he said he will find another job but he became jobless for 1 or 2months. So our family don't have money and mom work very hard. All i can see now is mom worked so hard till she had hypertension, lost weight, worked 6 days and sunday had to cook meals and wash clothes. What had that bloody ******* father done? And he still dare to scold my mother for little trival things. He is such a nuisance, when i explained that i had done this and that and told him the answer is NO but he will insist that it is YES. And he said i did not ask properly.

I hate my father. Because he is poor and his attuide sucks. All my friends are better off than me. I have never played polly pocket or barbie doll all my life. The only barbie doll i played with did not have a leg and he picked it on the street. I feel so inferior. Most of the furnitures in my house are picked by from those people who are moving houses and discarded their old furnitures. I hate him! Everyone's father are better than mine. I hate him. I wish he will die. I hate him. We are poor and the only solution is to sell the house and move to a smaller house, but because of his arrogance, he don't want other relatives to laugh at his inability to finance us, and he didn't wanna move. So we had to suffer.

Just recently he was not working and he borrowed a thousand dollar from my aunty to pay our house rent. It is so pathetic. Nobody in this house can communicate with him. His attitude is so bad. Everyone including mom and brother hate him. No one want to talk another word to him. He is so proud and arrogant. When i won some bursary awards in my school he doesn't allow me to take the money because the requirement is that my family income must be low in order to qualify for the award, and we really have low income, but he does not want people to know we are poor so he don't let me take the money. So i really wish my father will die.

A few years back, i developed a whole body skin rashes for no reason which i seen many doctors and i don't get well. Then because he is poor and had no money he did not want me to see doctor anymore. My rashes were worsening everyday and it was so horrible i could not even go out. He wanted me to live with my rashes, but i am a gal. How can i? When i developed bad teething problems, some guys in college were laughing behind my back and i caught them doing that. I asked my dad to give me money to wear braces. He promised he will. But in the end he did not have money. Then why does he want to promise me? Do you know it will hurt me very bad and deep? He is always making empty promises. I hope he will die now.

Because my hatred towards my father is so profound, that it lasted 10 years and soon i developed ocd. I avoid see my dad in the house. If i see him coming home i will hide in my room. Whatever things he touched before i will use a tissue to cover my finger like the light switches. I also keep washing my hands if i come to contact to anything he touched. If he slapped on my face, i will wash my face many times. The things which he had touched on, i will keep using water to wash it. If he touch any things i own, if it is possible i will throw it away. On one father's day i gave him a watch but later on when we argue i throw it away even though it is took me some money. I have thrown away all the father's day gifts i have given him all these years. Even is his birthday i couldn't be bothered. When he talks, i tell him to shut his mouth. There is no communication. I can't be bothered.
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Old 09-26-04, 02:21 PM
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I truly feel for you. I also grew up poor, but poor is NOT who you are. You are going to school to better yourself, right? Life will change, there is hope.
You know of course you cannot change your father.

Can you possibly find help thru your school counselor?
Do you see a light at the end of this tunnel when you might live elsewhere?
charlie (mom of 3)

avatar= Carol Kane Angel :Scrooged

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Old 10-06-04, 11:32 AM
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Hey it is okay
I am trying my best to cope.
I had actually deleated away and change the contents because i am afraid someone i know will stumble in. I don't wish anyone i know of to know all these. they are not anything to be proud about. I am also sorry to say " i wish my father dead" because facts is facts, he may not have financed us well and provided things i see my friends and relatives could have but not mine, but still he have provided home and shelter and basic needs. I think and feel it could have been worse. Some fathers are even a little more abusive and alcoholics. Okay i should count my blessings right.
Sorry i had deleated and change the contents. I wish i can deleate the thread but i don't know how.

" If you complain less and appreciate better, you will find in every each hour at least one heavenly blessings. "

" When you refused to open the door to the man who have come delivered a task to you, tomorrow he shall return and brings 7 more new tasks/works for you. The more I prepare in today, the better I have for tml."
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Old 10-06-04, 11:58 AM
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Hamster in the beginning of this section the moderators name for this thread is highlighted in red. Send that person a personal message requesting that they remove this thread to the trash can. Good luck and let me know if you need further assistance.
Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming, "WOW! What a ride!!"

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Old 01-26-05, 01:22 AM
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I just wanted to let folks know about a great free resource for OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) sufferers . It's called OCA (Obsessive Compulsive Anonymous) which is a network of free 12 step support groups for OCD sufferers (along with related problems, like Tourettes, BDD, Trichotillomania, Self Harm Compulsions, ect).

I had terrible OCD and I have had a 95% reduction in my OCD symptoms for 15 years as the result of using this approach.

Here is a link to OCA's World Service Webpage:

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Phil M.

Last edited by Tara; 01-26-05 at 09:26 AM..
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