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  #31  
Old 01-11-17, 02:27 PM
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Re: How to tell someone they've out stayed their welcome?

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I think the problem for me is that I don't really believe I have a right to ask my parents to leave or to limit their stay. I think that because I am always welcome in their house (in fact they would love for me to live with them) they should also always be welcome jn my house.
Yes we want there to be an unconditionality in our parents love and acceptance of us, however this is rare and does not mean we can do what we like and live with them.

Good parents have unconditional love for us..... but they also set BOUNDARIES on behaviour.... they love us regardless, but they don't let us defecate on the floor, and eventually push us out the door.

We learn this from them.... and them we can practice it in the outside world..... and with them too.

Maybe the difficult you have is that this process didn't happen...... your parent didn't love you unconditionally yes also set appropriate boundaries through their behaviour.

You say your parents manipulate you and don't listen to you...... these are not the actions of unconditional love with appropriate boundaries.... if it's not happening now it's unlikely to have happened in the past..... so accept that you didn't get good modelling from your parents and you'll have to find it elsewhere....

because if you don't you won't be modelling these vital things of life to the fuzzling.

It's going to come to a rather stark choice, continue to be your parent's child, or become your child's parent.
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  #32  
Old 01-11-17, 02:35 PM
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Re: How to tell someone they've out stayed their welcome?

They do love me unconditionally kilted. I'm sure about that and I've never doubted it. I also know that they won't stop loving me if I do or say something they don't agree with. But just because they love me doesn't me thst they won't be hurt by my actions.

I am scared though that I might not always do what's best for fuzzling for their sake. I've promised myself to not let that happen but if history is anything to go by I've got no reason to believe myself.
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  #33  
Old 01-11-17, 03:51 PM
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Re: How to tell someone they've out stayed their welcome?

Dealing with parents is never easy and this has happened many times with you and no matter what you say or do, it happens everytime. So what can be done? Can you afford to take a holiday for a week? I dont mean an elaborate cruise, literally a week away anywhere to the countryside, national park, camping , b&b or hotel? If you actually make a plan and go somewhere you can also help them plan your departure and there will be no untruths told- you would be going away and they would need to go home. It seems like you are unwilling or maybe dont feel up to the hard conversation of them ignoring your requests, house rules, wishes, needs, wants or whatever you want to call it. Since advocating for your own mental health is so hard, this seems like it could be a possible solution.
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  #34  
Old 01-11-17, 07:17 PM
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Re: How to tell someone they've out stayed their welcome?

Sarah. I've spoken to them. They are leaving next week.

Fox, I breathed a sigh of relief when you said I didn't have to discuss the future with them. I really don't want to but I think I need to so that we aren't in the same situation again next year.

Yes you are right though. It is causing friction sith my husband who isn't thrilled with the situation.

For fuzzling it's actually good I think. All grand parents dote on her and she gets a bit more of stimulation.
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  #35  
Old 01-12-17, 05:45 PM
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Give Yourself a Pat on the Back...But Don't Forget Who Paid the Price

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Sarah. I've spoken to them. They are leaving next week.

Fox, I breathed a sigh of relief when you said I didn't have to discuss the future with them. I really don't want to but I think I need to so that we aren't in the same situation again next year.

Yes you are right though. It is causing friction sith my husband who isn't thrilled with the situation.

For fuzzling it's actually good I think. All grand parents dote on her and she gets a bit more of stimulation.
Congratulations for screwing up your courage and speaking up. And remember how you did it because however much you might hope you have solved this beast forever, my bet is that it will sneak back in with each and every parental visit. It's part of the baggage you carry.

The "but" above however is that you probably owe your husband a big apology for letting this go on so long (and probably not just this year, but every year of your marriage). In a small way, you've let this bit of cowardice come between you and him and the family you are building together. Hopefully he will appreciate your noticing, and take it as an expression of renewed love and commitment to him. Maybe you can take this opportunity together to dig a bit of a moat--or at least a firmer boundary wall--around your little family, and cultivate a protective mindset so that the next time this comes up, you are clearer that it isn't just you you need to stand up for, but your husband and the growing enterprise that is depending on both of you to give it your best.
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  #36  
Old 01-12-17, 05:53 PM
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Re: Give Yourself a Pat on the Back...But Don't Forget Who Paid the Price

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Originally Posted by 20thcenturyfox View Post
Congratulations for screwing up your courage and speaking up. And remember how you did it because however much you might hope you have solved this beast forever, my bet is that it will sneak back in with each and every parental visit. It's part of the baggage you carry.

The "but" above however is that you probably owe your husband a big apology for letting this go on so long (and probably not just this year, but every year of your marriage). In a small way, you've let this bit of cowardice come between you and him and the family you are building together. Hopefully he will appreciate your noticing, and take it as an expression of renewed love and commitment to him. Maybe you can take this opportunity together to dig a bit of a moat--or at least a firmer boundary wall--around your little family, and cultivate a protective mindset so that the next time this comes up, you are clearer that it isn't just you you need to stand up for, but your husband and the growing enterprise that is depending on both of you to give it your best.
Congratulations. You have won The Meanest Award.
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  #37  
Old 01-12-17, 06:25 PM
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Re: How to tell someone they've out stayed their welcome?

In all fairness I wasn't very courageous. I just asked them what their plans are and thankfully their plans aren't too bad.

Then I watch them play with Fuzzling and their love and affection is so obvious and genuine thst I feel.bad about every unkind or unwelcoming thought I've ever had.

I don't know. I do feel bad for hubby but I put up with his parents and their idiosyncracies too.

And my parents are fairly old. I can't shake the thought that they won't live for much longer and every request I don't fulfill is something I will feel guilty about.
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  #38  
Old 01-12-17, 06:50 PM
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Re: How to tell someone they've out stayed their welcome?

What I'm trying to say is that it's not that easy or clear cut for me. It's not just about rights or fairness.

They are my parents and I am interested in their well being as well. That is a need for me too.

What I really want is to find a way to get our needs met without hurting them or ignoring their needs.

So maybe the key is communicating better. Somehow getting through to them that even though I need a lot of space abd don't want to live with them full time I still care for them and will be there for them when they need me (well I would like to think I will be but who knows...).

I'm just not able to have thst conversation with them. I don't know how when I'm so bad at expressing myself and they are so bad at listening. My mom might understand but her mind is so muddled right now with depression and anxiety and even if she does understand it doesn't help as my dad makes all. The decisions.
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  #39  
Old 01-12-17, 09:51 PM
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Re: How to tell someone they've out stayed their welcome?

Are your parents suggesting they live full time with you or was that your idea to build the house extension?

Are they currently planning only to visit once a year for one month a year or more than that? Can you and your husband handle the amount of time they want to visit?

I know since you just had a baby they stayed longer this time.
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  #40  
Old 01-12-17, 10:12 PM
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Re: How to tell someone they've out stayed their welcome?

Hey Fuzz, I was skimming through the thread and one thing caught my attention. When you said you were looking for a way to say no, without making it sound like you're saying no.

I'm afraid that just isn't possible. When you say no, you need to mean what you say. Otherwise it defeats the entire purpose of the point you're trying to make.

It's important to understand that it's ok to say no. It does not make you selfish, or nasty or a bad person in any way.

You're one of the most caring, compassionate people out there and people who get to know you are very fortunate to have that privilege.

But you have your own life to live and a big part of taking control of your life is having the ability to say no when your life is being impacted in a negative way.

I know you don't want to hurt anybody, let alone your own parents. It is your gentle nature and there is nothing wrong with not wanting to hurt other people, nothing wrong with that at all.

However, saying no isn't about hurting other people, it's about taking control of the situation and your own life. Nothing would make a persons parents prouder than to see their own son or daughter take control of their own life.
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