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General Parenting Issues The purpose of this forum is to discuss general parenting issues related to children with AD/HD(ADD & ADHD)

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  #1  
Old 07-30-10, 08:12 PM
teacher abc teacher abc is offline
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Money Again

I knew I shouldn't have let HP talk me out of taking his debit card when he first came down to the city from college. But, against my better judgment, I did not take the card. This past month, he managed to keep $30 at the end of the money. Of course, he never paid me back the $100 rent he had to pay to his friend for a room in an apartment he was hardly in because he was almost always here.

Today, he got his Social Security for the month. I go on line to see if the money was available. I discover that he has gone on a spending spree at Target, Best Buy and Game Stop, spending $161 and change. Turns out, he spent $87 on a present for a friend. I had given him $20 before he left so that he would not have to withdraw the remaining $30 and incur a fee for a nonnetwork ATM. I told him not to take any money out. So, instead, he goes to town with his debit card.

Unfortunately, I lost my temper and yelled at him on the phone. I yelled that he had to take the stuff back--that was when I learned that he bought a present for a friend and she had opened it up already (it wasn't even a present for a girlfriend--he spent $87 on someone he hardly ever sees). I told him he was going to have to give me his debit card. He then texted me: "You can do whatever the f___ you want, I am not taking the stuff back." Later, he was more conciliatory because he realized he needed to move his stuff out of his friend's (I should say perhaps ex-friend--another story) apartment and he was asking me if he could bring it) and was afraid I would say no.

The problem is that I can take his debit card now but I can't keep it when he goes back to college next month...any suggestions?
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  #2  
Old 07-30-10, 09:29 PM
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Re: Money Again

Is there a way that you can control the amount on the card?

Set it up so that the total amount goes into maybe another bank account and he gets a stipend every week? Like on a prepaid card that can't be overdrawn?

Something like that?
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Old 07-30-10, 10:14 PM
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Re: Money Again

We will have to see...if he is willing, my name could be put into the account and I could control the amount that is in it...short of that, the only real option is a representative payee and I hate to go that route. The problem is right now he is not even talking. I think that is partially because he is tired and partially because he is upset with himself. I am hoping that we will be better able to talk tomorrow when he isfeeling a little more rested.
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Old 07-30-10, 10:28 PM
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Re: Money Again

I suggest that you go back, re-read the other threads where you've discussed Henry and his money issues and really think about the suggestions people offer up. Please consider them and don't dismiss the suggestions too quickly.

People gave you some great advice.

Money
$$$$$
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Old 07-31-10, 08:05 AM
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Re: Money Again

I could try having him work out a budget again but that would only work if he is cooperative. I am wondering if the bank would set up another linked account with both of our names on it where I could withdraw and deposit money between the two every week so that the amount that would be in it would be what he needs for the week. I thought about a savings account but there needs to be a $250 minimum to avoid fees and he would not be able to do that. Hopefully, he will be in a better more receptive mood today. Last night, he wasn't talking. I am sure it was because he was tired and mad at himself. He just wanted me to make all of the decisions, and I do not want to do that because without his imput, things are not going to work.
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Old 07-31-10, 09:04 AM
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Re: Money Again

teacher abc, is there any chance that the young fellow is affected by prenatal substance abuse?
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Old 07-31-10, 09:13 AM
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Re: Money Again

Sure, it is possible. He has told me that his mother is not a drinker but who knows what she was like back then. I know she regularly uses marijuana now. He says she does not use anything else but who knows. God knows he was physically and emotionally abused and she was abused herself.
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Old 07-31-10, 05:39 PM
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Re: Money Again

And now he is emotionally abusing you. Get away from this person.
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Old 08-01-10, 11:14 AM
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Re: Money Again

A teenager (even though he's 20, he is still essentially a teenager) saying a mean thing to you does not make him an emotionally abusive person. If that was true, by that standard, my daughter would be too. Young people, and all people really, occasionally say things that are mean to the people we care about. I know I have. The fact that his contained a curse reflects his upbringing because he curses all the time...less now than he used to but still. In addition, he has just been diagnosed with bipolar disorder by another doctor and placed on meds. He started taking Depakote last night, which will hopefully stabilize his moods. He was raised in an abusive household but despite that, he is generally a sweet kid most of the time. Queensugirl, before you rush to judgment, you might want to read the threads about him. He has a condition which affects his moods. This makes him irritable at times and he had difficulty controlling his impulses. This is on top of being a teenager and teenagers are mercurial at best. I teach teens and if I considered him to be abusive, I really couldn't do my job. I wouldn't have formed this bond with him if he was.
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Old 08-01-10, 11:23 AM
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Re: Money Again

teacher abc, the biggest struggles we have with developmentally / emotionally delayed offspring is that once they reach legal age, they don't have to listen to us. If we rescue them, we risk being enablers.
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Old 08-01-10, 01:39 PM
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Re: Money Again

This brief clip from Russell Barkley may be helpful to you with HP. HTH

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Old 08-01-10, 01:53 PM
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Re: Money Again

Very appropriate. Thank you.
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Old 08-01-10, 01:58 PM
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Re: Money Again

Quote:
Originally Posted by teacher abc View Post
he has just been diagnosed with bipolar disorder by another doctor and placed on meds.
I was not aware of this. There are members who have, or are the parents of children, with Bipolar Disorder. Hopefully they can help you learn about it. Things should improve now that you are aware of what the young lad is dealing with.

Reminder: when we are dealing with co-morbid disorders, it is often best to deal with the disorder which has the most impact on the functioning of the patient. In my experience, Bipolar Disorder would take precedence over ADHD.
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Old 08-01-10, 05:23 PM
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Re: Money Again

We have bounced back and forth with this for the past of years. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder a while ago and was prescribed Abilify which did not have good effects. The next doctor said he did not believe he had it but had only seen him once to evaluate. The next doctor upstate saw him three times but did not believe he had it and gave him Strattera. HP stopped taking it because he was too impatient. I had spoken to the doctor upstate but he seemed to be a quack and HP did not like him. I had to make huge efforts to find a doctor down here and HP seems to like him. I still have to speak to him but I am encouraged. The big problem is that HP is supposed to leave for school on 8/28 or 8/29 and I am not sure how we are going to deal with his care. He will need counseling again up at school and I am wondering if a doctor up there would be willing to work in cooperation with this doctor...I want to give the medication a chance to work and don't want to have to change it again. I would just have him come down every few months to see this one but he is going to resist that.
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