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Old 11-01-04, 04:41 PM
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Red face Raw Writings Of An Ametuer Poet

Hello.

My name is Aiyana (I-Yana).
I write poetry to cope with all of the emotional conflict I deal with on a daily basis.

I am 37yrs old, and ADHD is only one of my various illness' that I struggle with. Severe Clinical Depression and Bi-Polar, are a couple of more, to name just a few.

I find that when I write poetry, it is the one time, I can say what I am feeling and be concise, creative and most importantly, understood.

I am, often, misunderstood, I'll repeat things, because I am doubtful that anyone is listening or truly hears what I am saying.

In my peoms, I don't worry so much about those things, just about getting me out there, to expose my true thoughts and emotions without the fear of people running in the other direction.
I can just be myself.
Besides, those who have read many of my works, say I am pretty good at it, so I figure, what the hell.

So that is why I am here. To share my self, and maybe to be a part of something, and people, that are more like me, that understand where I am heading in life, the troubles, the fears, confusions, everything.
Maybe here, I can feel normal, for once, being around my peers of similar fates.

If it is okay, I would just like to keep all of my poems that I submit, posted within this thread, for I have a ton of them and do not wish to hog the board.

My first poem is titled "MENTAL DISEASE".

In this poem is the purest of pains that I feel, regularly, too often in fact.
These are my rawest emotions in the purest form, all written with heart, as I leave no emotional stone unturned.

These are my ups and downs, and I mince no words when expressing them, albeit, good, bad, depressed, erotic, whimsical.....

I am an Empath, so I know no other way but to spill everything out, to be me, naked and exposed for the world to see.

I am in treatment, and on a multitude of meds, I undergo weekly counseling sessions, but it is through my poetry that the slow, but true,
process of healing has begun.

I hope you all enjoy the poetry I will be posting within.

Blessed Be!
Aiyana

Thank you, again for your interest in my works and for your support.
Safe Journey!
Aiyana
__________________
My book link:
http://my.lulu.com/content/77971

My poetry site link:
http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=liquid_promise


Last edited by Ian; 11-04-04 at 09:08 AM.. Reason: newbie live links
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  #2  
Old 11-01-04, 04:45 PM
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Red face Mental Disease

MENTAL DISEASE

I hate calling it an illness

It is far worse than that
It courses through my very being
And I can get none of that back

I awaken in a dream

To, discover
I have not awakened at all
Try to decipher a voice of reason
But there isn't anyone for me to call

Blame it on traumatic experiences

But, even I am not that sure
It doesn't explain away all the other stuff
My paranoia.....
Steadily runs pure

Intense emotions plague me

Day in and day out
I just try to make myself better
Never knowing what half of me is about

I want to, but...

I don't trust anyone
Too ashamed to let someone in
Twisted and gnarled inside
While waiting, for these mental games to begin.
Once again!

I have no control over what my own mind does to me

I'm freaked out and running scared
This mind of mine is against me.
Can't you see?
This is why I don't want to be here!

How is discussing all the bad things that happened to me

Supposed to bring about some magic solution?
Will this cause this suicidal lingering to end in me?
Psyche drugs and counseling;
Is this, your only resolution!?!

It doesn't stop this terror in my mind

Or stop my mind from terrorizing my heart
I fear the world’s intentions for me
And it is tearing my whole life
Apart

Too bad you can't see inside of me

Or you will know how condemned I feel
Enough with your psycho babble B/S
This mental disease is for real!

And it is destroying me, piece by piece

I am crawling within my own flesh
To know that, suicide
Will one day be the end of, Me
Hating my life!
Even when I am at my very best!

I slipped into a catatonic state once

I couldn't even scream
Crippled in agony of loss and defeat
The remembrance I just could no longer take
How brutal it is to relive your nightmares
Over again and again
When you are completely aware
Though paralyzed and..
Wide awake!

My own mind is like a thief in the night

I wonder how much more of me it will steal
With all these mental disorders and illness' I have
Compound them together...
And you have a mental disease that can not be healed!

And very dangerous for people just like me

And with no cure in sight to be found
Making it necessary to kill this disease
Even if the consequences means that
I....
Will be laid into the ground!

At least my mind will be still and quiet

Schizophrenia/Depression
No longer causing my heart to pound
And my spirit can finally
And peacefully,
Rest..!!!

No longer unsettled.......

By imagined fears, visions or sounds.

Copyright@2004/Aiyana
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http://my.lulu.com/content/77971

My poetry site link:
http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=liquid_promise

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  #3  
Old 11-01-04, 04:59 PM
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Exclamation Lingering

LINGERING

From the first time I took a breath

To the first time I could speak
Till the now in which I linger
Love has always been the thing I seek

From the first bruise

To the Law taking this child away
Till the now in which I linger
From tears,
My cheeks are permanently stained

From the days, my foster father touched me

To the days you caught me touching myself
Till the now in which I linger
Scarred eternal from the many assaults

From the time I first gave in to suicide

To the time you pretended concern
Till the now in which I linger
More than
Boiling water
Has left me burned

From the very conception I love my children

To the day GOD had taken them away
Till the now in which I linger
Whatever the circumstance....
My life is filled with pain

From all the days I have suffered a rape

To the day I stood up
And
Put him away
Till the now in which I linger
The ugliness of me still remains

From the days I'll always love my children

To the nights
I know they are forever gone
Till the now in which I linger
I regret the times in which I am strong

From the few days I am glad I live

To the days I forever beg for death
Till the now in which I linger
I still succumb to taking a breath

From the mornings I'd rather be asleep

To the nights I sit here and write
Till the now in which I linger
Forever, lingering

Between


Death and life

Copyright@2004/Aiyana
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  #4  
Old 11-01-04, 05:12 PM
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Red face Hidden In Black Smoke

HIDDEN IN BLACK SMOKE

My dreams go unfulfilled
As you

Disappear
On some thick cloud
Imagined
and
Unwilled


Copyright@2004/Aiyana
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http://my.lulu.com/content/77971

My poetry site link:
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  #5  
Old 11-01-04, 05:17 PM
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Cool Mysterium

***MYSTERIUM***

In the here and now
I wonder in constant, ‘wow’
Of things unseen
Felt to extremes
The meaning behind it all
Somehow.....



ã2004/Aiyana
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  #6  
Old 11-04-04, 02:55 AM
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Exclamation

DAMAGED GOODS


I can feel the haunting of you
Seep deeply, into my pores
Sense the very presence of you
In my dreams


My nostrils reek with the smells of urine and vomit
I begin to gag from the stench
In the very by product of, that which
You would rub my nose in
When I was, but a small child


You will teach me, not to wet the bed
Hold the bile in, and do not run
Better not miss the porcelain bowl

Never the porcelain doll


So many high standards
Die, the failure of Life
A creation, not worthy to be spit upon

Damaged goods


No return address
Sender
Up in smoke
Gloriously fading with each passing sunset


Hate the creation
Not the creator
Hate the product
Despise the child


Break me
Scorn me
Abuse me
I feel your blame


And,
I hate me, too!
Copyright@2004/Aiyana
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  #7  
Old 11-05-04, 02:01 AM
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Beneath The Skin

BENEATH THE SKIN


If beauty is in the eye of the beholder
Where, exactly, do I fit in?
I hold out to the beauty of Hope
Even through tears
Manifested
By another’s sin

Barely,
Scraping the surface
Grasp hold onto the appearance
Of all that I present
If only to peer closer, they will see
And they shall have my full consent

I hide nothing from no one
Why then,
Do they run away?
If my strength and beauty
Draws them to me
Why fear this longing to stay?

Washed in the heart of a survivor
This child’s merciful cries, within
An epiphany of a dying image
Awaits the release of my true essence
The one who yearns for more
Than just a glimpse

Of that, which, is written
Deeply
Beneath the skin

Copyright@2004/Aiyana
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http://my.lulu.com/content/77971

My poetry site link:
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  #8  
Old 11-05-04, 02:06 AM
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Red face Beautiful?!?

BEAUTIFUL?!?

I just want to be beautiful

Like the young flowers in bloom
Like the sunsets and sunrises
Like the stars and the moon


Not like the tears I cry

Or anything like the pain I hold within
Not like all the dust kicked up
By storms with gusting winds


I just want to be beautiful

Without all the sorrow life brings
Without all the memories of sadness
Or distrust, fear, and hateful things


I want to know all about laughter

To be a part of something so right
Not just a fleeting memory
Lost, beyond, a moment in time.


Copyright@2004/Aiyana
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My poetry site link:
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  #9  
Old 11-05-04, 04:43 PM
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Cool

DEMONOLOGY 101



First you hear the sounds

Of heartbeats and footsteps

Then remember you being told you were dreaming

The fact that you weren't dreaming

You'll never forget



Then you are told

To just get some sleep

All will be better in the morning

Eyes shut tight

Your fears run deep



Then feelings of loss

Begin to swarm your heart

Psychic

Or paranoid

You have trouble telling the two, apart



Then a vision of a child

As he darts out into the road

(The night before)

The following day, you relive

The terror that unfolds



You seem to know things

Long before other's do

About their life

Their inner thoughts.....

Their true intentions.....



By this curse you are subdued



And now when you close your eyes

Before, you even fall into a light sleep

You feel something grab you

And feel yourself being dragged off the bed

By your very feet



Or even worse

You can feel the sensations

(Of something violating you)

You want to scream....

Paralyzed by this unseen penetration



A loved one tells you

You are going night blind

Because you see shadows in the darkness

Causing you to lose your footing

Having trouble maintaining focus



You fall flat on your face

Because the ground looks five feet closer

You take a regular step off the step you were on

Nothing wrong with your vision

Just tricked by this demonic imposter



He rapes you in your sleep

Plays havoc on your mind

Binding you by day

When you can not leave

Those sleepless troubles behind



Am I losing my mind?

I can not say for certain

I am...

But a mere actor

In a play designed for mental destruction....



Demonology 101

(Speaks of the unseen being unclean)

Causing the most sound of minds

To fall



And I

The humble puppet



Awaiting this play's, final curtain call



Copyright@2004/Aiyana
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http://my.lulu.com/content/77971

My poetry site link:
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  #10  
Old 11-05-04, 04:46 PM
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THE TANGLES WITHIN



Problems not quite resolved
Locks us tight within this hull
Of life among rocky waters
Entangled.....


In the loss of what truly matters


But do not fret
For all, will one day, see
How different and yet the same
We all can be


The tears I cry today
Will be the salve that saves
Touching on the deeper issues
That will wipe the slate clean.....


Of all that we once misused



And should this prove out of reach
Then only proves, my job to teach
To love, amidst, my endless pain
That mine might serve to remove.....

This world’s undaunted shame

Copyright@2004/Aiyana
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My poetry site link:
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  #11  
Old 11-05-04, 04:52 PM
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FALSEHOODS



Thank you,
But
I did not ask to be analyzed
That is what counseling is for



Though
I am grateful you took the time to read
Please,
Show your opinions to the door



My pain
I deal with
My pain
I share
So others can deal
And be aware

I expose who I am
Deep within
So that others know and feel
Truth
Beneath the skin



My sorrow and honesty
Of torment
I throw.....
No blame



Nor do I allow others shallow view
To wrap me in artificial
and
Unwarranted shame

Copyright@2004/Aiyana
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http://my.lulu.com/content/77971

My poetry site link:
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  #12  
Old 11-05-04, 04:55 PM
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Talking

ANGELS AND SECRETS


I wish upon a star
No matter where you are
I pray
While uncertain what to say
That I might share my last breath
With those awakening to the light
Of a new day


But I find myself torn
Early I begin to mourn
What I used to wish for
And the reality of a life
That once treated me with scorn
My last breath equaling my first
Below these very stars
I was born


But now things have changed
From the endless days of age
When all I could wish for was death
Now down to moments of my last breath
My life is what it is
What else should I have to expect


Chronic illness and mental disease
But to my surprise, neither of these
Gave way to my life I now deem worth living
My sadness brought about forgiving
And now I dare ponder why
That threatened this: my 'death worshipped' life


As new friends bring to light
My desire for a new and different fight
But, even in the midst of danger
Can I rightfully begin to hunger
For something that remains out of reach
All the splendor this world has to teach


If all wonders what I am babbling about
It's the first show of fear
I was once without
The fear of dying has crept upon me
Now that my death is a reality
But mourn for me not, I beg you please
A new desire has brought me to my knees


I want to live all that life is worth
Forget about and put aside the hurts
Stop feeling sorry for myself
And live life to its fullest
And conquer that which brought tears to rest


These past few months
Has brought about new friends
People who never noticed me in the past
Has come to shake this poet’s hand
As I fight my final battle
And take my last breath


Copyright@2004/Aiyana
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http://my.lulu.com/content/77971

My poetry site link:
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  #13  
Old 11-05-04, 05:01 PM
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Unhappy

I NEEDED YOU!


As a child
I knew I loved you
I knew you loved me too


As a child
I cried for you
I believed in nothing else
But, that you cried for me too


As a child
I wanted your happiness
But knew myself to be your sadness


You were engulfed in the pains
Of what it meant to have me
How I ached in knowing this
Deeply


What could a child give to a mother
Who should have everything
But, had nothing because of me


Could I ever hope
To make your life better
Through the end of me?


As an adult
I pray that you will awaken
I pray that you will accept how
You have severely mistaken


As an adult
My heart still breaks for you
In the midst of Reality’s truth


As a teenager
I prayed to never be like you
A child’s image turned cruel


As an adult
And this child within
I pray for the removal of this endless pain
That is you


That has forever left on me
It’s mark
Your permanent fingerprint
Of terminal rejection
and
Abandonment


Where will I be
When you need me?
Right by your side
Needing you.....

Endlessly!


Copyright@2004/Aiyana
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My poetry site link:
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  #14  
Old 11-05-04, 05:08 PM
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Unhappy

I’M IN LOVE


I'm in love
With the idea of love
What a wonderful dream

To be wanted and needed
To feel real love
What a magical place to be

Maybe it is because of my past
I know it has nothing to do
With my family tree
Just one branch

I missed that love coming from you
Friends family cheering them on
When visions of accomplishments were to be made
When they had done something wrong

For light scolding, good behavior was traded
They didn't get beat with a belt
At four in the morning 'cause the dishes weren't done
They didn't have to see a teacher have a fainting spell

They didn't have to lie about what was going on
And when it wasn't a bruise, it was something else
Something I couldn't explain
It wasn't physical, or a tangible hell
But I was scared and in a lot of pain

I knew something was wrong
I just couldn't put my finger on it
I guess no abused child could
It seems so natural from within

I vowed loud and strong
Once I realized I had a voice
Rebellion making me too headstrong
My children would have a choice

I would never do what you did
But looking back maybe I did something worst

I trusted and loved someone who had everyone fooled
There were no fools on the day
You were carried to your final resting place
In a shiny black Hearst

Yeah, I'm in love
With the idea of love
But I no longer want to be

I am dying from a broken heart
Awaiting the days
You will be returned to me


Copyright@2004/Aiyana
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http://my.lulu.com/content/77971

My poetry site link:
http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=liquid_promise

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Old 11-05-04, 05:14 PM
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Talking

INTRODUCING MYSELF TO THE WORLD
(My Very First Sonnet)



Hello. My name is Aiyana
My pain can sometimes block out the sun
For I suffer from Bi-polar and depression
Symptoms and treatments beginning
Back when I was very young


It gets highly frustrating at times
To know there is no cure
So I have embraced poetry
If only for the simple fact
That within my written words
I can be heard


And now my voice cries out
Bolstering, well beyond the limits of the sun
It cries out for a world aching to be as one.


Copyright@2004/Aiyana
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