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Old 04-25-18, 07:32 AM
realityseeker realityseeker is offline
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Wink Noob, Spilling the Beans

Hey, haven't been in a forum for a while, miss being in a like minded community so here goes..

Here is a little life story for you, actually some introspection for myself also:

I have just been diagnosed at 34.

- Single child, father had issues with substances mainly heroin and was trending towards sociopathic, was spoilt and well off with money until the passing of his parents, probably still is for all I know..

- Dad never really called from where he was overseas and I never knew what to say if I were to call him so didn't either. Only did so when mum lined it up purposely or when the longing that I always gulped down became too much to bear, fell into tears thinking of him.

- Mum had to leave dad in the early years of school, probably grade 2.

- Had trouble making friends, early school years sitting by myself in the playground, could never seem to mesh socially up until around grade 5.

- Friends I did make were for the majority based around weed use, with me feeling like I had to always put more than my fair share of smoke or drink in to be accepted as having some sort of 'value' to offset my idle personality.

- A small number of friends were true, but lost early in high school. Never really got super close to other friends since, kept pretty reserved with most new friendships.

- School life was based around mostly substance use with anyone else who enjoyed the same. Apart from a small number of creative subjects and excelling in computer studies.

- Never had a girlfriend, ******* virgin into my 20's because I was to hesitant to make a move got a few fingers in on some weird occasions with 'older' women but never went further.

- With substance use my 'thing', the cool rebellious factor wooed in some cases, but unfortunately they were waiting for me, while I was preying for them to take the first step, only to see them fade into someone elses more outgoing arms.

- How I feel for that 'young me', such a waste.

- Just passed high school. Expelled before the last three months for returning late to a class smelling 'very tropical', on a Friday, bags packed with booze and weed for a party that weekend.

- Tried a few entry level careers, struggled through the first year of a four year course and bailed out.

- Contacted my father and went to stay with him overseas, hoping he could lend me some of the pieces of that I thought I had missed in life. He accommodated me but in the end could feel he was disappointed with my lack of drive to helping him out and becoming something. Ended up just feeling like a burden to him once again.

- Found the first person who I fell in love with. Yeah she teed it up more or less, probably too perfect to be true, an escape to another country and better life - but I never saw it this way. Sometimes I feel used, and do hate to think of it as that even now, we did share some special times and I knew there was something in her heart for me at one point.

- Had three kids.

- Was fortunate to get a well paid job in IT.

- Still wasn't free of substance abuse, was using it to 'enhance life' but turned out to be just screwing up what I already had and should have cherished.

- By this time had everything from LSD, DXM, Shrooms, daily regiments of ganja, MDMA, designer - 'not so' legal pills and 'noids, DMT pretty much everything but heroin because of my dad's path (though I was just following besides him really in a slightly skewed direction)..

- Had about four breakups, lasting from 4 - 8 months.

- Every time coming back I was in survival mode, then got comfortable, and screwed it all up again.

- Blew, the job missing days and constantly late.

- Accrued unmanageable debit.

- Went bankrupt.

- Another breakup, abused meth for the first time until last earnings dried up.

- Came close to suicide, realised what I had in this life, my children and my wife that I still love.

- Got comfortable again after said breakup, becoming a stay at home dad, was neglecting to see what everyone else was feeling and what I was doing once again.

- Got drunk, something I do once in a red moon these days. Got upset and yelled at my wife over some repressed emotional pain.

- Because I was doing much better than in the past and with my duties as a father she couldn't really get rid of me - which as with always prior; my goals were non existent, my decision making was of a chid, and my drive to protect and support my family was in hindsight a joke. Though I am truly a loving and supporting father emotionally, I could just never step up to change the future as a whole.

- The yelling was a chance to prevent me by law from any contact that is not in relation to our children, for a period of five years. Game over right..

- Survival mode again, took me a while to get my emotions stable.

- Stopped using substances, which is only weed these days.

- Got diagnosed. Ranked highly for ADHD-Pi from a supportive psychiatrist, who felt for my past, and painted the picture for me.. Why did it take me this long I wonder. Fear of the drug user coming for a fix, and several no-shows to appointments made in the last few years.

- Above, if you think you have signs - just go and do it. Unfortunately for me everything had to collapse before I could accept that something wasn't quite right with my mental process.

- Now titrating dosages and trying not to chase a 'buzz', but also working out what is not a 'buzz' and simply a functional state of thought..

****load to read hey..

Hope the bullet-points helped, and you enjoyed reading about my not so enjoyable experiences that brought me here on my path t a better understanding and a better future..

Much love from the realityseeker and thanks for having me!
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Old 04-25-18, 09:45 AM
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Re: Noob, Spilling the Beans

Welcome!

A lot of your story sounds very familiar to me. Alcoholic father, long history of substance abuse, very few friends, relationship and dating disasters one after the other... Yep. I can definitely relate.
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realityseeker (04-25-18)
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Old 04-26-18, 07:38 AM
realityseeker realityseeker is offline
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Thumbs up Re: Noob, Spilling the Beans

Quote:
Originally Posted by Funky1 View Post
Welcome!

A lot of your story sounds very familiar to me. Alcoholic father, long history of substance abuse, very few friends, relationship and dating disasters one after the other... Yep. I can definitely relate.
Thanks for the welcome Funky1..

May I ask what medications and dosage schedule you have opted for, I'm guessing you are primary inattentive also?
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