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  #46  
Old 07-14-16, 04:18 PM
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Re: Queer & ADHD-PI

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This is the OP:


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Originally Posted by julialouise View Post
I'll start off my giving some basics. i'm a queer, femme-presenting, agender/nonbinary person (if you don't know what any of those things means, either use google, or this thread is not for you). i am gray-asexual (maybe demisexual) and i am attracted to people of all genders (though i swear i am becoming less and less attracted to cis-men), but i really would love to have a relationship with someone who isn't a cis-male. i've been in multiple romantic relationships with boys who, now that i've done a bunch of research, likely also have ADHD or other neurological differences, but i've only had a long-distance, online relationship with a girl.

i know that women with ADHD, and maybe ADHD-PI specifically, have trouble interacting with other women, especially neurotypical women. it's hard enough being queer in the dating scene, and even harder being mentally ill and queer. i've matched with a lot of really cute girls on tinder, but they don't usually respond to me, and if they do, we don't interact for too long. also an issue with tinder: i never want to meet the people i match with!! i either don't want to travel to see them (since a lot of the time, they're in the heart of Chicago and i'm in the suburbs), or i don't want to spend money on travel, or i worry that it's going to be a horrible trainwreck, or i worry that i'm going to get bored on the date and want to go home and i don't want to travel 20+ minutes for that.

a lot of people on tinder are looking for fairly speedy dates, so i'm lucky when i find someone like me who needs a lot of communication with someone beforehand. that way, i know i can trust them at least a little easier, i have a better understanding of their personality, and we already know what we're both interested in. i've matched with over 100 people, almost 200, on tinder since i first downloaded the app a year or two ago, but i've only met with like 3 of them. in my last Tinder spree, i matched with just under 30 people maybe, and i'm only still talking to one of them and she's really cute, a trans-femme girl, and we have quite a bit in common, from our interests to some of our mental disorder symptoms. we will probably make plans to hang out soon this summer, but it hasn't happened. and i know this is bad of me, and quite transphobic, but physically she isn't any different from the cis-men that i've dated and i'm worried about that being a problem. i don't want her to think that i think of her as anything less than a woman through just plain ignorance and lack of experience.

i don't know. are there any other ladies/non-men out there who are also attracted to ladies/non-men? what the hell do you do? are you successful? i'm in college, so i didn't think it would be this hard, but i'm also very picky when looking for partners now. and i'm more interested in being non-monogamous, at least for now.
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  #47  
Old 07-14-16, 04:35 PM
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Re: Queer & ADHD-PI

update!!

so i went to a punk show downtown and i met up with that girl i mentioned in my OP. it went well, i liked spending time with her, but i don't think that we'll date.

also, i did go on a date with someone else the other night, and i'm seeing him again tonight. i'm only a little bit nervous because it's only our second date and he's quite a bit older than me.... we have a lot in common so far though, from politics to music to tv, we have witty/sharp convos, and i'm ACTUALLY sexually attracted to him!! my antidepressants kill my sex drive, and i dont know if it's because i've been PMS-ing and i'm on my period, but i've actually felt kind of normal lately, with regards to that. i'm really excited about this and i hope it all goes well.

i still wanna be able to talk to cute girls and date them too, though. men just keep showing up in my life first!!!!
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  #48  
Old 07-14-16, 06:30 PM
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Re: Queer & ADHD-PI

Quote:
Originally Posted by julialouise View Post
update!!

so i went to a punk show downtown and i met up with that girl i mentioned in my OP. it went well, i liked spending time with her, but i don't think that we'll date.

also, i did go on a date with someone else the other night, and i'm seeing him again tonight. i'm only a little bit nervous because it's only our second date and he's quite a bit older than me.... we have a lot in common so far though, from politics to music to tv, we have witty/sharp convos, and i'm ACTUALLY sexually attracted to him!! my antidepressants kill my sex drive, and i dont know if it's because i've been PMS-ing and i'm on my period, but i've actually felt kind of normal lately, with regards to that. i'm really excited about this and i hope it all goes well.

i still wanna be able to talk to cute girls and date them too, though. men just keep showing up in my life first!!!!
I wish you the best, regardless.


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  #49  
Old 08-08-16, 07:28 PM
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Re: Queer & ADHD-PI

i didnt read all of the posts in this thread but i relate to this topic sooo much julialouise. really glad to see someone on the forum who is queer as in not just gay/lesbian/bi. i identify as queer/demisexual at the moment, although my inability to form relationships has made it really hard for me to know for sure who i'm interested in and in what ways. so i use the vaguest terms possible... which is also hard in The Real World, like my coworkers all think i am just a lesbian lol. i'm not really confident enough to try to make small minded people understand what i mean when i say queer, either

its weird because i'm pretty desperate to meet people and make friends but even the in queer/punk/diy community (i'm in DC btw) its been really hard for me to connect with anyone at all. even though i know a lot of us struggle with mental health issues, i still find that i can't relate and just don't fit in despite common interests..

also Re: ending up with cis men - i have ONLY dated cis men in my life. i was raised in a very conservative household so i always thought i *had* to be straight. its pretty clear to me now that i forced a lot of those relationships in an attempt to be "normal" and also because i was suuuper lonely and entering a straight relationship was always an EASY fix to that problem. always made me extremely unhappy though which i think is also a contributor to my relationship issues

so TL;DR, i am wildly not successful when it comes to my relationship pursuits lol. i guess i'm just trying to fix myself before i start putting myself out there more actively anyways. sorry that i don't have any good advice but just want to let you know there are people like you out here!!

hope that things are going positively with the person you've been seeing too, if that has progressed!
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  #50  
Old 08-09-16, 04:46 PM
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Re: Queer & ADHD-PI

Quote:
Originally Posted by jiitters View Post
i didnt read all of the posts in this thread but i relate to this topic sooo much julialouise. really glad to see someone on the forum who is queer as in not just gay/lesbian/bi. i identify as queer/demisexual at the moment, although my inability to form relationships has made it really hard for me to know for sure who i'm interested in and in what ways. so i use the vaguest terms possible... which is also hard in The Real World, like my coworkers all think i am just a lesbian lol. i'm not really confident enough to try to make small minded people understand what i mean when i say queer, either

its weird because i'm pretty desperate to meet people and make friends but even the in queer/punk/diy community (i'm in DC btw) its been really hard for me to connect with anyone at all. even though i know a lot of us struggle with mental health issues, i still find that i can't relate and just don't fit in despite common interests..

also Re: ending up with cis men - i have ONLY dated cis men in my life. i was raised in a very conservative household so i always thought i *had* to be straight. its pretty clear to me now that i forced a lot of those relationships in an attempt to be "normal" and also because i was suuuper lonely and entering a straight relationship was always an EASY fix to that problem. always made me extremely unhappy though which i think is also a contributor to my relationship issues

so TL;DR, i am wildly not successful when it comes to my relationship pursuits lol. i guess i'm just trying to fix myself before i start putting myself out there more actively anyways. sorry that i don't have any good advice but just want to let you know there are people like you out here!!

hope that things are going positively with the person you've been seeing too, if that has progressed!
ahhhhhh hello!! first off it's v nice to meet you!! second, it's like i'm reading about myself when i read ur post, lol! not entirely, but i get u so much with the inability to form relationships (im like dying to date a girl but LOL as if i could initiate something like that when it's already hard enough to be a close friend with a girl). i mean i attach myself to guys more often but it's much easier to see me happily married to anybody but a man. unless i found someone particularly special, but i don't wanna like, miss out on an opportunity to date the girl of my dreams?? i dont even have a girl of my dreams bc they're all so great (sigh). lmao of course not ALL of them are great but u probably know what i mean maybe

i'm involved in the diy scene in my college town, though i wish i could venture into some in chicago. i invited a lot of my friends into the scene at school because it's so small, so i'm already more close with them than others, but idk. it's easy for me to form bonds with others who are like me, cognitively and emotionally, and yeah we pretty much are all a bunch of queer mentally ill kids lol.

but at the same time, i don't want to date just any girl because i could very easily find myself with a more timid type of person and probably hurt her in some sort of way (not physically!!). that's a thing i'd be really worried about ):
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  #51  
Old 08-10-16, 01:50 PM
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Re: Queer & ADHD-PI

Quote:
Originally Posted by julialouise View Post
ahhhhhh hello!! first off it's v nice to meet you!! second, it's like i'm reading about myself when i read ur post, lol! not entirely, but i get u so much with the inability to form relationships (im like dying to date a girl but LOL as if i could initiate something like that when it's already hard enough to be a close friend with a girl). i mean i attach myself to guys more often but it's much easier to see me happily married to anybody but a man. unless i found someone particularly special, but i don't wanna like, miss out on an opportunity to date the girl of my dreams?? i dont even have a girl of my dreams bc they're all so great (sigh). lmao of course not ALL of them are great but u probably know what i mean maybe

i'm involved in the diy scene in my college town, though i wish i could venture into some in chicago. i invited a lot of my friends into the scene at school because it's so small, so i'm already more close with them than others, but idk. it's easy for me to form bonds with others who are like me, cognitively and emotionally, and yeah we pretty much are all a bunch of queer mentally ill kids lol.

but at the same time, i don't want to date just any girl because i could very easily find myself with a more timid type of person and probably hurt her in some sort of way (not physically!!). that's a thing i'd be really worried about ):
i think we are both lucky to have found that community in our respective cities because i'm sure there are a lot of people out there that feel the same way but don't have anyone like them to validate or normalize those feelings. so that i am grateful for. and i'm glad that you can relate! my issue right now is that i am worried the first girl/nb person i GENUINELY pursue is going to lose interest once she realizes that i've only been involved with cis men. as if coming out later in life makes my identity false lol.

curious to know when you and others became more confident with your identity. i am a Highly sensitive person with a loooot of feelings and still not 100% sure about how to categorize feelings that i remember having when i was younger. like was my interest in certain people romantic, sexual, platonic? even now i can struggle with this because i am so ruled by my emotions and my perceptions and there are always overlaps so it can be confusing at times. this has gotten me into trouble because sometimes when men show interest in me (Sexually) im like oh hey cool i really want to be your friend! but they have a totally different agenda and i struggle with relationships so much that i comply just to make ANY connection happen. always fails me though
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Old 08-10-16, 02:46 PM
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Re: Queer & ADHD-PI

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Originally Posted by jiitters View Post
i think we are both lucky to have found that community in our respective cities because i'm sure there are a lot of people out there that feel the same way but don't have anyone like them to validate or normalize those feelings. so that i am grateful for. and i'm glad that you can relate! my issue right now is that i am worried the first girl/nb person i GENUINELY pursue is going to lose interest once she realizes that i've only been involved with cis men. as if coming out later in life makes my identity false lol.

curious to know when you and others became more confident with your identity. i am a Highly sensitive person with a loooot of feelings and still not 100% sure about how to categorize feelings that i remember having when i was younger. like was my interest in certain people romantic, sexual, platonic? even now i can struggle with this because i am so ruled by my emotions and my perceptions and there are always overlaps so it can be confusing at times. this has gotten me into trouble because sometimes when men show interest in me (Sexually) im like oh hey cool i really want to be your friend! but they have a totally different agenda and i struggle with relationships so much that i comply just to make ANY connection happen. always fails me though
ugh honestly!!!! about the HSP thing and wanting to be friends with someone and them wanting something else. i usually hide from guys that show sexual interest in me. girls who have shown sexual interest in me have made me uncomfortable too. everyone in between as well. i still totally identify as asexual, or more specifically demisexual. and i have lots of friends that i would loooove to be able to kiss?? especially some of the girls/nb people that i'm friends with but also some of the guys too. i like the way that guys make me feel sometimes, but girls make me feel something entirely different and i wanna be able to explore that more but im too nervous. and when im with girls i feel i definitely take the more masculine role which makes me uncomfortable (even tho i'm NB but i still identify more closely with being a girl but not a Woman) because when i'm with guys i enjoy taking a more submissive role (like bdsm lifestyle stuff), even tho i'm still feisty as hell and will not tolerate any BS.

and as far as girls/nb people having an issue with you only being with cis men, that's a form of bi/panphobia and not cool!! and if you date someone who has an issue with your history, even if you're not bi or pan, they're not being cool!
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Last edited by namazu; 08-10-16 at 03:05 PM.. Reason: Wrote out the words "people", "you", "your", and "you're" (instead of "ppl", "u", and "ur") for easier reading.
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Old 08-10-16, 05:01 PM
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Re: Queer & ADHD-PI

I remember this one conversation I got into shortly after I came out as lesbian, wherein other lesbian women were saying they'd never date a bi woman because of her sexual history with men (assumed), but they'd be fine with dating a lesbian who had a sexual history with men.

It was very disturbing to me as until I came out as lesbian I had id'd as bisexual, and it struck me as hugely hypocritical that by changing the word I use to describe myself I suddenly became an acceptable partner, with no change in my own history.
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Old 08-10-16, 09:55 PM
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Re: Queer & ADHD-PI

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I remember this one conversation I got into shortly after I came out as lesbian, wherein other lesbian women were saying they'd never date a bi woman because of her sexual history with men (assumed), but they'd be fine with dating a lesbian who had a sexual history with men.

It was very disturbing to me as until I came out as lesbian I had id'd as bisexual, and it struck me as hugely hypocritical that by changing the word I use to describe myself I suddenly became an acceptable partner, with no change in my own history.
wow yeah that is disturbing. i have experienced similar logic from people and this is part of why i feel unable to seek out a relationship with a woman. there are a lot of things like that which bother me about the lesbian community, and why i am more comfortable ID'ing as queer, even though it always requires an explanation - _ -
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