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  #16  
Old 10-26-16, 11:36 PM
dvdnvwls dvdnvwls is offline
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Re: helping him stick to something

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Originally Posted by grinningsoul View Post
First let me clarify, this is 100% what he wants. Not me. Like I said he's doing ok at his job general life stuff. He does buy supplies for things that he abandons but not bad enough to cause an issue.


Yes. I don't care if he gets really good at a skill. My only concern is that he will give up on doing anything at all and get depressed and hide away in video game land forever. If he picks up things and drops them in loops forever i'm fine with that. As long as he is trying. Doesn't matter what it is or if it's always changing. As long as he can still care about something.
What if this attitude of yours is exactly what depresses him? I'm not saying it is or isn't, but I am asking a serious question.

I may be taking this thread too personally, but what I think I see is a patronizing "Mother knows best" vibe coming from you. Maybe I'm just plain wrong - I hope I am.

If he doesn't even know what's best for him, why stay with him?
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Last edited by dvdnvwls; 10-26-16 at 11:51 PM..
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  #17  
Old 10-27-16, 12:09 AM
grinningsoul grinningsoul is offline
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Re: helping him stick to something

I'm not sure what attitude you are asking about? I've been supportive and talked to him about this stuff and tried to be reassuring as much as possible. I'm on the side of " I know it's actually harder for you, but I believe you can accomplish things. It just takes you longer. And even if if you don't become an expert at something it's ok"
But maybe he thinks I'm just being nice and I'm really mad at him.

I'm thinking this is really a matter of self esteem. "If i'm actually good at something I won't hate myself"

We have talked about this stuff together. But it's difficult for him and hard to tell if he believes me when I say I'm not actually judging him.

I think I'm just going to ask him what he thinks I think of him next time.

As a person with Adhd, does anyone feel like there partners are unhappy with them? And what does your partner do or say to make you think this?
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  #18  
Old 10-27-16, 12:10 AM
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Re: helping him stick to something

Could video-gaming become his passion? Or maybe it already is? Seems like he keeps coming back to it.
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  #19  
Old 10-27-16, 12:33 AM
dvdnvwls dvdnvwls is offline
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Re: helping him stick to something

Quote:
Originally Posted by grinningsoul View Post
I'm not sure what attitude you are asking about? I've been supportive and talked to him about this stuff and tried to be reassuring as much as possible. I'm on the side of " I know it's actually harder for you, but I believe you can accomplish things. It just takes you longer. And even if if you don't become an expert at something it's ok"
But maybe he thinks I'm just being nice and I'm really mad at him.

I'm thinking this is really a matter of self esteem. "If i'm actually good at something I won't hate myself"

We have talked about this stuff together. But it's difficult for him and hard to tell if he believes me when I say I'm not actually judging him.

I think I'm just going to ask him what he thinks I think of him next time.

As a person with Adhd, does anyone feel like there partners are unhappy with them? And what does your partner do or say to make you think this?
Who are you to say what's OK and what's not OK (such as becoming an expert or not)? Who are you to decide that it's a matter of self-esteem? You are judging, despite what you stated.

That was one of the things my ex used to do that showed me she was unhappy with me. Expecting me to live up to her ideas and ideals of what a husband should be even though that's not who I am (e.g. "I love you, now change") was another.
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  #20  
Old 10-27-16, 12:42 AM
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Re: helping him stick to something

I know it reads that way because you don't have all the info. Just didn't want to type a huge letter here.

I'm not making that judgement about his self esteem. He is. He has told me exactly, " I wish I was someone else. I hate myself."
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  #21  
Old 10-27-16, 12:57 AM
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Re: helping him stick to something


Quote:
Could video-gaming become his passion? Or maybe it already is? Seems like he keeps coming back to it.
He is actually passionate about games. (although he can't finish them)
He told me he would like to work on them as a job, maybe writing for them or something. But he would need to move somewhere to actually work in the industry, and it's not very feasible right now. So he keeps waffling on it and pushing it aside.
Maybe it a year or 2 from now, when loans are paid off and he has more money saved.
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  #22  
Old 10-27-16, 01:06 AM
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Re: helping him stick to something

Quote:
I may be taking this thread too personally, but what I think I see is a patronizing "Mother knows best" vibe coming from you. Maybe I'm just plain wrong - I hope I am.

If he doesn't even know what's best for him, why stay with him?
I'm not looking to leave him. I'm coming here to get insight from people with similar issues so I can communicate with him better. I can be pretty bad at communicating myself, and I want to work on that. It's easy to fall into a routine, and stop talking to your partner about stuff that matters. "I'm afraid of wasting my life and never accomplishing anything". <-- these are his words.

I think it reads as "mother knows best" because i'm paraphrasing stuff he has actually said, but not explaining that clearly.
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  #23  
Old 10-27-16, 01:18 AM
grinningsoul grinningsoul is offline
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Re: helping him stick to something

Quote:
I really sincerely wanted to "work on" exactly the things my ex wanted me to "work on". Because I believed she must be right. Because I desperately wanted to please her. Because I wanted to "be a success".
The entire process was false - a great hoax that we were playing on each other.
Thank you for this.
This is exactly the kind of thing I'm afraid of. This idea of a false relationship. Doing things just to please me and not because he actually wants to.
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  #24  
Old 10-27-16, 01:23 AM
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Re: helping him stick to something

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Originally Posted by grinningsoul View Post



He is actually passionate about games. (although he can't finish them)
He told me he would like to work on them as a job, maybe writing for them or something. But he would need to move somewhere to actually work in the industry, and it's not very feasible right now. So he keeps waffling on it and pushing it aside.
Maybe it a year or 2 from now, when loans are paid off and he has more money saved.
Cool. So it sounds like he does have a passion. Even if he is unable to finish the games.


I have a suggestion, it might sound crazy but maybe it'll help. Try telling him that maybe he should just allow himself to "be" without guilting himself or making himself feel bad that he doesn't have a passion/hobby that he completes. Tell him he is good already as he is.

Maybe he needs a "mind break" from thinking about trying to find a passion/hobby, maybe he just needs space to be.

Some ADHD'ers end up happier just going from acitvity to activity, never fully mastering one, because that's just how their brain works. Maybe he has internalized pressure from society to become good and master something over the years, and maybe he needs to let go of that internal guilt and shame.

He might end up finding out he is actually okay with skipping from thing to thing. Maybe that's how he keeps himself stimulated, dabbling a bit in different activities.
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  #25  
Old 10-27-16, 02:19 AM
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Re: helping him stick to something

Quote:
Originally Posted by grinningsoul View Post
Thank you for this.
This is exactly the kind of thing I'm afraid of. This idea of a false relationship. Doing things just to please me and not because he actually wants to.
This doesn't have to be what's happening, it's just what happened to me.

If it is... There's a big difference between you deciding to find a new way to solve this, and you realizing it was never yours to solve.
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  #26  
Old 10-27-16, 03:59 AM
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Re: helping him stick to something

Quote:
Originally Posted by dvdnvwls View Post
I really sincerely wanted to "work on" exactly the things my ex wanted me to "work on". Because I believed she must be right. Because I desperately wanted to please her. Because I wanted to "be a success".

The entire process was false - a great hoax that we were playing on each other. I could easily blame her for ruining my life, because she did her unwitting best to sabotage who I am and turn me into someone else. She could blame me for ruining her life too, wasting her time and energy on my empty promises and my wide-eyed adoption of plans that a little voice inside my mind told me didn't make any sense for me.



"We" need to "work on" your tree-climbing skills, said the cat to the fish.
Sorry I wrote that quickly yesterday;
I really meant to say that what i read was that he, himself, is unhappy and frustrated with this aspect of his life, and he doesnt want to "improve" this to please his GF. (who is very supportive )
I dont like the words "work on" in the first place, acutally.
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  #27  
Old 10-27-16, 04:25 AM
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Re: helping him stick to something

Quote:
Originally Posted by grinningsoul View Post
I know it reads that way because you don't have all the info. Just didn't want to type a huge letter here.

I'm not making that judgement about his self esteem. He is. He has told me exactly, " I wish I was someone else. I hate myself."
Is he willing to go to a therapist? His problems seem to extend far beyond just hobbies. His dislike of not sticking to his hobbies seems only a manefestatiin of his dislike for himself.
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  #28  
Old 10-27-16, 05:05 AM
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Re: helping him stick to something

Quote:
He has told me exactly, " I wish I was someone else. I hate myself."
It looks as if the "stick to something" issue is a symptom of a deeper problem.

In psychology there's a thing called "script" which operates on the micro and macro level. The basic premise is that we have a subconscious process that makes us repeat behavioural patterns that confirm our beliefs about ourselves and the world around us.

It's likely that your partner would benefit from some good counselling, probably CBT/ Transactional Analysis or similar.

Professional help makes it easier to bring the script processes into awareness however takes a lot of personal "work" to get to grips with "script" and change it.... they are deep seated and insidious.

It may help if.. instead of looking for his "passion" he invests his limited time in some therapy PLUS some "personal work".... something that complements the therapy.. eg yoga, dance, meditation workshops.
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  #29  
Old 10-27-16, 08:10 AM
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Re: helping him stick to something

I agree with above.

I commend your wish to not let him become depressed.

Don't bust his balls, I'm saying this for you. Pick one thing that's important and propel him into it ie work.

From the posts I've read I'm gunna say something different. Maybe not passion, maybe something more intense , ' hyperfocus '. The way it was described to me was find a profession that just absorbs you, I've got to believe this is possible. Working at a job that you don't enjoy that takes all your mental energy sounds like hard work.

In regards to playing games I would not say this is a complete waste of time. I found them a great way to relax.

In regards to gaming this is not all it's cracked up to be, things that I found could be careers I looked at them very closely. Someone mentioned it before that changing from position to position, this can be normally done within a large organisation. Getting caught in the dead end menial labour market can be hard for people who have a mind that is geared to be curious. Goodluck
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Old 10-27-16, 08:52 AM
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Re: helping him stick to something

I might say something else, when he ' wishes ' he was someone else. This is a self esteem issue that stems from lack of confidence, feeling like you can't achieve anything, feeling different to everyone else. This is very debilitating and it is purely ADD. This can destroy you. Medication helps the brain to sustain attention and focus, that's what it does, someone with ADD has a different reaction on ADD meds than let's say the average person, it calms you down. Agitation, anxiety and depression is common with ADD. Goodluck
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