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Non-ADD Partner Support This is a support forum for non-ADD partners, spouses, and significant others offering feedback from both the ADD and non-ADD perspectives

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Old 03-28-05, 02:47 PM
at_wits_end at_wits_end is offline
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Finally found a solution to my ADD problem

Hi all,

Just wanted to post the latest developments in my relationship with my ADD SO. If you're looking for an upbeat "hey we finally conquered the problems" story, click back.

To briefly summarize the relationship - we were living together for almost 4 years, and engaged for almost a year. From the beginning there were the tell tale signs of ADD. Unable to gets tasks organized, once started they never got finished, inability to communicate on personal issues, disorder all around the house.

Everything finally started coming to a head about 4 months ago when she lost her job because she wasn't able to get to work on time. The best she could do most of the time was a minimum of 30 minutes late. Finally one day she just slept in until 4pm (she used to work 1pm - 9:30, retail) and hadn't even bothered to call her boss when I got home from work around 5:30pm. Anyway, the boss had seen enough; but since it was christmas time, he needed even unreliable help, and he's not that bad a guy so he kept her on part time with the stipulation of "if you're even 1 minute late, don't show up". She of course continued to be late. Finally, at the end of the month after showing up nearly an hour late, he told her she was fired. This was the catalyst for change.

Over the next three months I watched her take 6 weeks just to prepare a resume. I should note that both I and another friend of ours prepared a resume for her, but they were never good enough, or done, or whatever the excuse was. I finally told her that she better damn well get that done and start sending resumes out. She finally did, but the effort put into sending resumes was lackluster at best. I suspected she was simply not doing anything but as I went to work during the day it wasn't undeniably in my face.

Four weeks ago my brother and his family came up for a 2 week visit. I decided to take a week off to spend with him and the boys, which was great. Nothing like being Uncle to a 1 and 3 year old! Anyway, what I witnessed that week was what finally got me to where I am now. Each day I would ask her what she was going to get done the next day, and it was always filled with great promises and "i'll get going" types of things. What actually happened was her sleeping in until noon, and putzing for a couple hours reading the paper (not even the want ads, just the news, etc) then gradually surfing for jobs sending in resumes only for the "pie in the sky" jobs that she was in no way qualified for but were jobs she would like to do. All along I had been asking her to get to a temp agency or go from 1 restaurant or retail outlet to another and try to get a waitressing job, run a cash register, ANYTHING. She always said she would, but never actually did.

Anyway, between this and catching her outright lying to me on other issues finally made me decide to end the relationship. I had 2 very telling dreams the night that I made this decision.

The first dream was an extremely vivid sequence of my being let out of prison. The joy that I felt during that dream was indescribable. I'm not kidding, as in let out of maximum security PRISON!

The second was a dream where at first I was flying, and had such a feeling of euphoria. The dream progressed to where I was in a Library, and 4 of my old high school buddies were there. We were right back in the thick of the hunt for girls; also at one point I was walking up an extremely steep stairway with no railing and a long drop to the end. I finally got up the stairs and all was well.

I took these dreams to mean the following. The release from prison is pretty obvious! The flying was just a great feeling, and being back with my old friends combined with the steep stair meant that I was feeling quite scared about diving back into the dating pool again, but that it was going to be worth it.

I know I made the right decision. I haven't been this happy in years. I've had the Aretha Franklin song "freedom" running in my head for a week + now. For the first time in a long time I am finally looking out for myself and my own interests instead of "doing the right thing" and sacrificing my sanity and happiness for a so called "loved one" who didn't feel the need to tell me the truth, wash a dish, get a job, or have sex with me for over 6 months.

Anyway, I just wanted to share the end of my story with you all. I'm not saying that to be happy you have to end your ADD relationship. What I am saying is that if you don't at least consider it, you're making a big mistake. People don't change unless they want to. Nothing you do or say will force that change. The sooner you accept this and either accept your ADDer as they are or leave them and move on, the sooner you will be on the road to accepting and hopefully enjoying your life.

I wish you all the best of luck, my heart goes out to each and every one of you. I'll probably still poke my nose in here and there, but for the most part I'm signing off this board.

Good Luck!

At_wits_end
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Old 03-28-05, 03:37 PM
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exeter exeter is offline
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That sure is one valid way of dealing with the problem. It sounds like she's not on meds and not taking any responsibility for managing ADD, either (though I could be wrong.) I'd be cool with dating someone who has ADD, as long as she took responsibility for it and at least tried to deal with the situation, but I sure couldn't stand it for long if she didn't. I even hate myself when I'm off meds. :P Not in a suicidal kind of way, but more like an "OMG, i can't believe I did that" way.

We're ready to have you back the next time you find another loveable ADDer.
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