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Old 07-02-16, 03:20 PM
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Queer & ADHD-PI

I'll start off my giving some basics. i'm a queer, femme-presenting, agender/nonbinary person (if you don't know what any of those things means, either use google, or this thread is not for you). i am gray-asexual (maybe demisexual) and i am attracted to people of all genders (though i swear i am becoming less and less attracted to cis-men), but i really would love to have a relationship with someone who isn't a cis-male. i've been in multiple romantic relationships with boys who, now that i've done a bunch of research, likely also have ADHD or other neurological differences, but i've only had a long-distance, online relationship with a girl.

i know that women with ADHD, and maybe ADHD-PI specifically, have trouble interacting with other women, especially neurotypical women. it's hard enough being queer in the dating scene, and even harder being mentally ill and queer. i've matched with a lot of really cute girls on tinder, but they don't usually respond to me, and if they do, we don't interact for too long. also an issue with tinder: i never want to meet the people i match with!! i either don't want to travel to see them (since a lot of the time, they're in the heart of Chicago and i'm in the suburbs), or i don't want to spend money on travel, or i worry that it's going to be a horrible trainwreck, or i worry that i'm going to get bored on the date and want to go home and i don't want to travel 20+ minutes for that.

a lot of people on tinder are looking for fairly speedy dates, so i'm lucky when i find someone like me who needs a lot of communication with someone beforehand. that way, i know i can trust them at least a little easier, i have a better understanding of their personality, and we already know what we're both interested in. i've matched with over 100 people, almost 200, on tinder since i first downloaded the app a year or two ago, but i've only met with like 3 of them. in my last Tinder spree, i matched with just under 30 people maybe, and i'm only still talking to one of them and she's really cute, a trans-femme girl, and we have quite a bit in common, from our interests to some of our mental disorder symptoms. we will probably make plans to hang out soon this summer, but it hasn't happened. and i know this is bad of me, and quite transphobic, but physically she isn't any different from the cis-men that i've dated and i'm worried about that being a problem. i don't want her to think that i think of her as anything less than a woman through just plain ignorance and lack of experience.

i don't know. are there any other ladies/non-men out there who are also attracted to ladies/non-men? what the hell do you do? are you successful? i'm in college, so i didn't think it would be this hard, but i'm also very picky when looking for partners now. and i'm more interested in being non-monogamous, at least for now.
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Old 07-02-16, 03:34 PM
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Re: Queer & ADHD-PI

It's interesting how you seem to be, on the one hand, desperate to find your own identity and avoid all stereotyping/boxes, yet the way you talk about men sounds sounds really bigoted. Just an observation.
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Old 07-02-16, 04:54 PM
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Re: Queer & ADHD-PI

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Originally Posted by Jacksper View Post
It's interesting how you seem to be, on the one hand, desperate to find your own identity and avoid all stereotyping/boxes, yet the way you talk about men sounds sounds really bigoted. Just an observation.
1) i literally described myself using boxes (queer, femme, agender, asexual)
2) i mentioned men maybe once and all i said was that i didn't want to keep dating them (edit: exclusively). but please correct me.
3) despite the fact that i'm replying right now, i really don't give a rat's *** what your observations are about me if im not asking for them.

edit:
4) the way you described my identity confuses me. Do you think that not having a gender, or not being sexually attracted to people, and using the terms for those phenomena to be "a desperate search for identity?" Because they very much are part of my identity, and others also share this experience. Either way, I find it to be very condescending and rude, or at least, very uninformed.
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Old 07-02-16, 05:15 PM
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Re: Queer & ADHD-PI

Transgender women on estrogen are not physically just like cis men, if that means anything. Hormones are fairly powerful chemicals and can change a lot more than you might expect.

I'm agender/woman (both depending), asexual (but not aromantic - I am romantically attracted to women primarily), femme-presenting (when I can afford clothes which I have to admit hasn't been the case for awhile). I am also autistic as well as having ADHD, PTSD, and major depression, and it really is difficult to find someone who has a lot in common with me. To be fair, I don't usually spend much time looking.

Still, I do hear you about the difficulty. I hope you find someone good.
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Old 07-02-16, 05:23 PM
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Re: Queer & ADHD-PI

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Transgender women on estrogen are not physically just like cis men, if that means anything. Hormones are fairly powerful chemicals and can change a lot more than you might expect.

I'm agender/woman (both depending), asexual (but not aromantic - I am romantically attracted to women primarily), femme-presenting (when I can afford clothes which I have to admit hasn't been the case for awhile). I am also autistic as well as having ADHD, PTSD, and major depression, and it really is difficult to find someone who has a lot in common with me. To be fair, I don't usually spend much time looking.

Still, I do hear you about the difficulty. I hope you find someone good.
Oh for sure! Hormones do wonders for ppl using them. I definitely do not think that a woman who is trans is any less of a woman because of her body, same with cis and trans men. It just takes a lot of effort and time to unlearn all of these ridiculous and compulsory gender-binary stuff that we've been taught since birth, even though i'm not cis either. Lol!

I have ADHD and depression too, and I wouldn't say i have full-blown PTSD but i experienced a very abusive relationship at age 13-14 and it has made sexual relationships incredibly difficult. so yeah, the ace/ptsd thing is something that closes off a bunch of relationships with people for me too.

thank u!!! i wish u luck too!!!
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Old 07-02-16, 05:24 PM
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Re: Queer & ADHD-PI

Well, this is an open forum, so expect to get the thoughts and observations from people. Of course you are free to disagree with them, and I respect that.

If I misunderstood your words and you are not bigoted towards men then I have no problem with you at all. You are under no obligation to date them, of course (I have no wish to date men either ).

Yes, I do think that all those boxes that you mention can be part of a bigger search for one's personal identity (though in no way am I saying that I disagree with all of them, though some make no sense to me). I think that a lot of youth nowadays are very confused, and that worries me. I don't say this to be judging you, I don't know you and you (and everyone else for that matter) are free to do what you want, and I hope that you live a happy and meaningful life.
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Old 07-02-16, 05:34 PM
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Re: Queer & ADHD-PI

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Originally Posted by Jacksper View Post
Well, this is an open forum, so expect to get the thoughts and observations from people. Of course you are free to disagree with them, and I respect that.

If I misunderstood your words and you are not bigoted towards men then I have no problem with you at all. You are under no obligation to date them, of course (I have no wish to date men either ).

Yes, I do think that all those boxes that you mention can be part of a bigger search for one's personal identity (though in no way am I saying that I disagree with all of them, though some make no sense to me). I think that a lot of youth nowadays are very confused, and that worries me. I don't say this to be judging you, I don't know you and you (and everyone else for that matter) are free to do what you want, and I hope that you have a good life.
It is an open forum, but my post was directed specifically toward women and nonbinary people who are also attracted to women and nonbinary people. And yet, you disrespected my wishes. This is an open forum, but this is my thread, and i explicitly described what i wanted this thread to become.

A lot of youth today, i would argue, are a lot less confused than those of previous generations. Today, we feel more freedom in expression. Although many queer ppl still experience a lot of discrimination, people are starting to (for example) learn that it's ok and normal to not identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. We are creating and learning new language to help us understand different types of attraction and different experiences of gender. and that is so, so, so awesome. I don't feel like a girl and I don't feel like a boy. I am also not sexually attracted to people unless i like their personality and what they look like. Just like someone might describe themselves as a "heterosexual male," I have every ability to describe myself as an "agender asexual." Neither of us are on a desperate search for our identity and we have both found words that work for us.

Have a good time too.
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Old 07-02-16, 05:36 PM
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Re: Queer & ADHD-PI

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Originally Posted by julialouise View Post
Oh for sure! Hormones do wonders for ppl using them. I definitely do not think that a woman who is trans is any less of a woman because of her body, same with cis and trans men. It just takes a lot of effort and time to unlearn all of these ridiculous and compulsory gender-binary stuff that we've been taught since birth, even though i'm not cis either. Lol!

I have ADHD and depression too, and I wouldn't say i have full-blown PTSD but i experienced a very abusive relationship at age 13-14 and it has made sexual relationships incredibly difficult. so yeah, the ace/ptsd thing is something that closes off a bunch of relationships with people for me too.

thank u!!! i wish u luck too!!!
Oh, I didn't think you were saying trans women are less of a woman, just I know things and thought maybe that information might help.

Re relationships, it doesn't help that my first serious relationship exacerbated my PTSD even more because abusive partner.

Fortunately, even though it is a couple of decades later, I am learning to make peace with that history.
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Old 07-02-16, 05:40 PM
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Re: Queer & ADHD-PI

I also agree that young people today are not particularly confused. I know plenty of people who know exactly who and what they are and have no qualms asserting it. We're getting more nuance about gender identity and sexual orientation than ever before in modern western society, and that can only be a benefit.
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Old 07-07-16, 11:14 PM
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Re: Queer & ADHD-PI

It's interesting because I was asked a similar question by a student at the University I teach at and attend (PhD candidate). Where do I go to meet queer women? I had to really think about it because I haven't been on the dating scene for 12 years now, and things have radically changed since then. She had also mentioned tinder. I've actually never used tinder, so I don't really know how effective it is, but I will tell you what I used to do when I was on the dating scene: I participated in LGBTQ organizations at my college and outside of my college. I went to various LGBTQ clubs. I did meet some individuals online through dating sites (akin to tinder I'm thinking), but for the most part, I never had luck with those sites.

Does your college have an LGBTQ organization? Or are there any LGBTQ organizations in your city? Are there any clubs in your area?

As far as my experiences being a queer individual with ADD, I don't really know if having ADD shaped the way I interacted with individuals. I was just diagnosed four months ago with ADD. I'm now 33 years old. Additionally, I don't really know if the women I dated had ADD or ADHD. The reason I structured this sentence this way is because from what I know the women I did date did not have ADD or ADHD. However, this was the late 1990s and early 2000s. The medical community, in addition to the population at large, thought of ADHD and ADD very differently than they do today. So, they could have very well had ADD or ADHD and had not been diagnosed. Regardless, if they did have ADD or ADHD, that wouldn't have affected the way I felt about them. My partner for 10 years was also recently diagnosed with ADD, a different kind but still ADD. I've known my partner for 16 years.
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Old 07-08-16, 03:49 AM
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Re: Queer & ADHD-PI

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Originally Posted by julialouise View Post
It is an open forum, but my post was directed specifically toward women and nonbinary people who are also attracted to women and nonbinary people. And yet, you disrespected my wishes. This is an open forum, but this is my thread, and i explicitly described what i wanted this thread to become.
I didnt think you only wanted women and nonbinary people to respond- I thought you would welcome all responses even if they are from people who identify differently.

I am still learning about all of this. My son brought home someone he met on a dating site, their name is Hailee. They say they are nonbinary as well. As you can see, I am practicing using the correct pronouns. Rather than her or she I am trying hard to use they, their or them. I had no idea what any of it meant. He is 20 years old and straight but God bless this boy for having an open mind. Hailee seems to present not as a woman or man....they wear clothes that could be considered somewhat feminine but not completely. Their clothes are not quite masculine either. Clothes really are a silly way to identify gender now in days.

Over all I just want him to be happy. I want everyone to be happy and feel comfortable in their own skin.
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Old 07-08-16, 04:23 PM
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Re: Queer & ADHD-PI

Quote:
It's interesting because I was asked a similar question by a student at the University I teach at and attend (PhD candidate). Where do I go to meet queer women? I had to really think about it because I haven't been on the dating scene for 12 years now, and things have radically changed since then. She had also mentioned tinder. I've actually never used tinder, so I don't really know how effective it is, but I will tell you what I used to do when I was on the dating scene: I participated in LGBTQ organizations at my college and outside of my college. I went to various LGBTQ clubs. I did meet some individuals online through dating sites (akin to tinder I'm thinking), but for the most part, I never had luck with those sites.
my school has maybe 1400-1600 students at it, and it's the only school in the biggest town (a whopping 36,000 people!!!) in a 45 mile radius. if there are queer kids, i know them. but chicago has a pretty good scene, especially a good queer punk scene and i'm really excited to become more of a part of it. i went to a Fed Up Fest fundraiser at a pizza place last night and it was great. it was also partially a date with that girl i mentioned earlier, and it went well, but i'm not looking for a relationship rn and, she has a really nice face, but i don't think i'm super into her.

Quote:
I didnt think you only wanted women and nonbinary people to respond- I thought you would welcome all responses even if they are from people who identify differently.

I am still learning about all of this. My son brought home someone he met on a dating site, their name is Hailee. They say they are nonbinary as well. As you can see, I am practicing using the correct pronouns. Rather than her or she I am trying hard to use they, their or them. I had no idea what any of it meant. He is 20 years old and straight but God bless this boy for having an open mind. Hailee seems to present not as a woman or man....they wear clothes that could be considered somewhat feminine but not completely. Their clothes are not quite masculine either. Clothes really are a silly way to identify gender now in days.
I did say, "i don't know. are there any other ladies/non-men out there who are also attracted to ladies/non-men?" while posting this in the ADHD Women page. if i wanted anyone to respond, I'd post in the General ADHD page. I also said, "if you don't know what any of those things means, either use google, or this thread is not for you" and i'm pretty sure the first responder didn't realize what any of my identities were or what they meant, judging by the way that he assumed i was "avoiding labels" and on a "desperate search" for identity (wow, that really set me off).

Also, yes, please continue to use the right pronouns. But please don't act like it's a struggle or a chore or like you deserve a pat on the back for being a decent person. I'm not saying that's what you're doing, it's just, that's what it sounds like when anyone points out the fact that they're doing what they're already supposed to. but still, I'm glad you and your son are open minded! there definitely are people out there who make us feel like alien monsters.

and as far as clothes, yeah, they're kind of ridiculous, but they've always been used to express, and especially divide, gender, and especially moreso now. however, not everyone does. men can wear dresses and lace, nonbinary people can wear exclusively "men's" clothing or "women's" clothing or gender neutral clothing. a girl can wear only "men's" clothing. most of the time, it's by choice of the individual whether or not their clothing expresses their gender. but clothing is definitely not a marker.
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Old 07-08-16, 05:27 PM
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Re: Queer & ADHD-PI

I just find it funny in a way how people are trying not to be "Categorized" and yet categorize themselves.

Everybody wants to be so different and yet we are all human.

Personal identity is a fun thing to decipher, although some people get too serious about it. (Don't worry, I've been there and done that too in my past)

Just worry about enjoying life.
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Old 07-08-16, 05:44 PM
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Re: Queer & ADHD-PI

Personal identity can be quite a serious thing.
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Old 07-08-16, 06:14 PM
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Re: Queer & ADHD-PI

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Originally Posted by Twiggy View Post
I just find it funny in a way how people are trying not to be "Categorized" and yet categorize themselves.

Everybody wants to be so different and yet we are all human.

Personal identity is a fun thing to decipher, although some people get too serious about it. (Don't worry, I've been there and done that too in my past)

Just worry about enjoying life.
Can you give me examples? Is everyone doing this? We are human. And we are all different.

Personal identity is extremely important for me to decipher, and it's slightly easier once I realized that everything is a social construct. We created these categories (if you're a constructivist), or we assigned names to these categories (if you're an essentialist), and now we're here floundering about trying to pick the right one in a society that tells us that we have to be either A or B. I find solace in my identities because they give me a place in a world that otherwise wouldn't accept me.

I know that YOU might want to just worry about enjoying life, but having a concept of who I am is just as important to me. When people say things like this, it comes off as extremely dismissive of my experience.
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