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  #1  
Old 03-16-18, 04:19 PM
TheWomble TheWomble is offline
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Exhausted

Every ten years or so I burn my life to the ground. It just happened again. I'm so close to just being done with it all.

Everyone talks about the day to day or micro symptoms of ADHD (forgetting things, f*****g things up, being late, losing interest etc) but its the very same at a macro level.

First thing that happened is I lost interest in my job. It happened just like turning off a light. I got to masters level, reached the top and then hit self-destruct. The worst thing I did was try to maintain my interest: big mistake. I started missing appointments, then people got angry at me so I hid, wouldn't answer my phone and missed even more appointments and the whole thing became an absolute disaster. So I've packed it all in because lets face it my reputation is shot to hell.

At the same time my emotional regulation went out the window. I got so mad in the car with my wife (I was late getting out of work to bring her to a function) that I threw my books in the back seat (nearly hitting my daughter) and got out the moving car. Follow that with weeks of rows, moods, threats to move out, and now the start of an affair that will tear my family apart and I'm at my wits end. I didn't want any of it but somehow I'm in this mess again.

This is by no means the first time my life has hit the wall but this one takes the biscuit. Just want an island to live on. For everyone else's sake as much as my own. If anyone bothered to read this thanks, I just needed to get it out.
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  #2  
Old 03-17-18, 12:55 AM
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Re: Exhausted

(((TheWomble))

I'm sorry that it is so rough going for you right now. I think many of us with ADHD would love to escape our lives and live alone. I've said that I am not made for Western culture or maybe life in the modern world but would so do much better in another culture that was more simple, not so time-oriented and focused on details.

There is a Men's Forum on here that would be very helpful. It's judgement-free zone where men share about the very things you are going through.

You don't say if you take medication and/or see a therapist. Many here do both and it can help immensely.

You have the insight to know that going forward with an affair would destroy your family. That would be devastating for every single person involved.


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Old 03-17-18, 01:18 AM
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Re: Exhausted

I'm really sorry to hear that you've been through all of that.

ADHD can severely mess up a person's life. ADHD can also be treated. I hope that you get the help that you need.

If you have access to seeing a doctor or mental health professional, I would suggest that you do that.
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Old 03-17-18, 06:04 AM
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Re: Exhausted

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Originally Posted by finallyfound10 View Post
(((TheWomble))

I'm sorry that it is so rough going for you right now. I think many of us with ADHD would love to escape our lives and live alone. I've said that I am not made for Western culture or maybe life in the modern world but would so do much better in another culture that was more simple, not so time-oriented and focused on details.

There is a Men's Forum on here that would be very helpful. It's judgement-free zone where men share about the very things you are going through.

You don't say if you take medication and/or see a therapist. Many here do both and it can help immensely.

You have the insight to know that going forward with an affair would destroy your family. That would be devastating for every single person involved.


finally
Thanks so much for your kind post. I'll check in with the men's forum and say hi. I totally agree about not being cut out for the modern world. Even as a child I lived in another world in my head (I would spend huge chunks of my school day in Middle Earth).

The only time I feel at peace is when I go hiking alone in the mountains. I spend the entire day there, with a flask, fire building equipment etc, and feel totally calm. I just wish I got a diagnosis in childhood (I was sent for a psych evaluation at 10 but they f****d it up and missed my adhd because I was also gifted). If I had I would have become a park ranger, forester etc instead of trying to fit in with everyone.

I don't want to take meds but I am starting to consider it. Re therapy: I am a psychologist and don't want my colleagues knowing (believe me mental health practitioners are some of the most judgemental and *****y people you'll meet). But I am going to a support group next week. Kind of looking forward to it too.
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Old 03-17-18, 08:03 AM
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Re: Exhausted

I think you should re-think your feelings about meds. Its not working now they way you are doing things so I think meds could really help.
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Old 03-17-18, 08:34 AM
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Re: Exhausted

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I think you should re-think your feelings about meds. Its not working now they way you are doing things so I think meds could really help.
Yes, this ^^^ I agree with Sarah. Please reconsider.
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Old 03-17-18, 10:13 AM
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Re: Exhausted

Any chance something else (in addition to or instead of ADHD) going on? Best Wishes, -LN
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Old 03-17-18, 01:13 PM
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Re: Exhausted

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Any chance something else (in addition to or instead of ADHD) going on? Best Wishes, -LN
Yes. Also IQ in gifted range which magnifies some of the symptoms of ADHD (boredom, frustration, anti-authoritarianism, hyper focus). It also hid my ADHD for 40 years. So yes a lifetime of frustration - like having a Porsche 911....with no wheels.
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Old 03-17-18, 04:01 PM
TheWomble TheWomble is offline
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Re: Exhausted

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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
I think you should re-think your feelings about meds. Its not working now they way you are doing things so I think meds could really help.
I'm coming around to it Sarahsweets. I had issues with self-medicating in the past and it made me wary is all. Thanks for reading and replying to my woes, I will genuinely have a good think about it ;-)
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Old 03-17-18, 05:43 PM
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Re: Exhausted

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Originally Posted by TheWomble View Post
Every ten years or so I burn my life to the ground. It just happened again. I'm so close to just being done with it all.
When i first read that sentence i first thought, nah doesn't sound like the ADD i know...

and then i started thinking... "yes, but you have had a serious burn-out every decade or so..." which perhaps is also a wobble just the same, only of a more self-defeating variety.

cause the rest matches... suddenly you loose interest at work... then you fail to find pleasure in other areas of your life... failure is never an option so you keep pushing through till all energy is gone... and bammm... suddenly going down seems to be the only way "out".


I think it makes sense to not only look at what you are going through right now, but take the whole 10 year cycle into consideration... cause what i see clearly within that pattern myself is that after each reset, i crawl up again, find new goals and then move slowly into some serious overachieving again.

Driven be a gifted IQ, and seeking for high stimulation you try to find challenging situations and ultimately climb up a huge mountain all the way to the top. The way up feels extremely good. But... once on that top you look around you realise that you have arrived at such a height and now that the adrenaline rush from the climb slows down, you feel you will be unable to maintain that same drive. Suddenly you may even feel a fear of heigths... and try to get off as fast as possible and throw yourself at something new.

It is very common for ADD people to become sad or down after an extraordinary achievement, neurotypicals would relax and do a victory round, for ADD people relaxing after a high stimulation period feels like depression.

Do you see this pattern in your life?

Last edited by DeClutter; 03-17-18 at 05:56 PM..
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Old 03-17-18, 06:06 PM
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Re: Exhausted

You're a good guy or you wouldn't be posting here.

I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, I assume ...

But ...

Re therapy: I am a psychologist and don't want my colleagues knowing (believe me mental health practitioners are some of the most judgemental and *****y people you'll meet).

You do know that refusing to go to therapy because of the views of colleagues is about the same as refusing to go to a doctor for treatment of a gunshot wound or a faulty heart valve because of the views of colleagues.

We don't stop reading books or doing whatever nurtures and strengthens us because of the immature and moronic views of colleagues or friends or family, for that matter. The fact that your colleagues are in the mental health field simply makes their views all the more pathetic--but that's another matter.

BTW, smart lawyers go to lawyers when they need help. Smart doctors go to other doctors. And yes, smart therapists go to therapists for help for themselves and for their families.

The fact that you feel intimidated by the immature, ill-informed, destructive, and self-destructive views of colleagues--so much so that you are willing to neglect yourself even at a time of deep distress--suggests there are deeper issues here. I'm gonna speculate ... so forgive if this is totally off base ... but sounds like you have long-term issues of self-neglect, denying your feelings, not acknowledging feelings and pain ...

The problem is that many of us grew up without learning that in life and in relationships we have to constantly negotiate with others and with ourselves. ... There are the jerks who don't know how to deal with "the others" part of negotiation. If you were a true jerk, you wouldn't be posting here. But there are also people (I'm in this category and my guess is you are as well), who don't learn that negotiation equally requires that we advocate for and take account of our own views and feelings--all along the way and long before we hit our limit and act out in rage.

Long story short: these are prime issues for therapy. In fact, these issues are ones that even mediocre therapists can assist us with--and fairly quickly ... But you can't do therapy on yourself--wish we could--but therapy is all about dealing with blind spots.

And yes, treat the ADHD as well.

Tone
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Old 03-17-18, 06:08 PM
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Re: Exhausted

Quote:
Originally Posted by DeClutter View Post
When i first read that sentence i first thought, nah doesn't sound like the ADD i know...

and then i started thinking... "yes, but you have had a serious burn-out every decade or so..." which perhaps is also a wobble just the same, only of a more self-defeating variety.

cause the rest matches... suddenly you loose interest at work... then you fail to find pleasure in other areas of your life... failure is never an option so you keep pushing through till all energy is gone... and bammm... suddenly going down seems to be the only way "out".


I think it makes sense to not only look at what you are going through right now, but take the whole 10 year cycle into consideration... cause what i see clearly within that pattern myself is that after each reset, i crawl up again, find new goals and then move slowly into some serious overachieving again.

Driven be a gifted IQ, and seeking for high stimulation you try to find challenging situations and ultimately climb up a huge mountain all the way to the top. The way up feels extremely good. But... once on that top you look around you realise that you have arrived at such a height and now that the adrenaline rush from the climb slows down, you feel you will be unable to maintain that same drive. Suddenly you may even feel a fear of heigths... and get off as fast as possible and throw yourself at something new.

It is very common for ADD people to become sad or down after an extraordinary achievement, neurotypicals would relax and do a victory round, for ADD people relaxing after a high stimulation period feels like depression.

Do you see this pattern in your life?
Great analogy! Iíve worked so hard to climb so many mountains only to be let down when I finally got there.

The excitement or stimulation usually comes from the climb and the anticipation of what reaching the summit will be like. If it doesnít live up to my expectations, I canít stay on the summit. Usually, I slip off the cliff or self destruct by jumping off.
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Old 03-17-18, 06:19 PM
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Re: Exhausted

Quote:
Originally Posted by DeClutter View Post
When i first read that sentence i first thought, nah doesn't sound like the ADD i know...

and then i started thinking... "yes, but you have had a serious burn-out every decade or so..." which perhaps is also a wobble just the same, only of a more self-defeating variety.

cause the rest matches... suddenly you loose interest at work... then you fail to find pleasure in other areas of your life... failure is never an option so you keep pushing through till all energy is gone... and bammm... suddenly going down seems to be the only way "out".


I think it makes sense to not only look at what you are going through right now, but take the whole 10 year cycle into consideration... cause what i see clearly within that pattern myself is that after each reset, i crawl up again, find new goals and then move slowly into some serious overachieving again.

Driven be a gifted IQ, and seeking for high stimulation you try to find challenging situations and ultimately climb up a huge mountain all the way to the top. The way up feels extremely good. But... once on that top you look around you realise that you have arrived at such a height and now that the adrenaline rush from the climb slows down, you feel you will be unable to maintain that same drive. Suddenly you may even feel a fear of heigths... and try to get off as fast as possible and throw yourself at something new.

It is very common for ADD people to become sad or down after an extraordinary achievement, neurotypicals would relax and do a victory round, for ADD people relaxing after a high stimulation period feels like depression.

Do you see this pattern in your life?
That's it to a tee. I am hugely motivated and ambitious when I'm at the base of the mountain - I MAKE it happen. In every career I've had from film to politics and psychology I've bounded up the mountain. But once I'm at the top and the challenge is gone it's like someone just flips a switch in my head and that's it. From that point on it's as good as over. And there is nothing I can do to stop it. Then I try to maintain my interest (pointless) or self-sabotage until it ends in disaster.

Bear in mind, I'm talking about the macro issues here. I also have the distractibility, impulsiveness, inattention etc of ADHD. I made sure I was thoroughly assessed during my diagnosis (including a full battery of cognitive tests, IQ tests, testimonies, school report cards etc, etc).

The real problem is you cant make future plans as your life is unpredictable and in constant flux. It's exhausting.
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Old 03-17-18, 07:45 PM
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Re: Exhausted

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Originally Posted by TheWomble View Post
The real problem is you cant make future plans as your life is unpredictable and in constant flux. It's exhausting.
Our brain is unpredictable and in constant flux. And our lives often are just a reflection of that.

As much as i try to put a dampening field around my "add-driven" core reactor to lead a more or less steady life and take the edges off of it for both my own well-being and that of my loved ones, it takes an enormous amount of mental energy and a lot of self awareness to do this.

And still once in a while i screw up horribly. My wife had surgery earlier this week and i promised her to be back in the hospital before she returned from the OR. Yet, while i had every intention to be there for her, i arrived an hour too late cause i had made a flawed estimate on how long the procedure would take. This sort of stuff happens daily with more trivial things, but in such important moments it is sometimes irrepearable...

She felt like what she had to go through didn't matter to me, that she didn't matter to me, and while the opposite is true, fact remains that i was not there when she needed me and it hurt her a lot.

And at those moments I am seeing clearly how it puts the lives of our loved ones in constant flux as well. And while i have grown some compassion and understanding for this condition we have here, and am prepared to live and deal with it better, i feel so powerless to shield my loved ones from the collateral damage. This is for me the most exhausting part.
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Old 03-18-18, 09:28 AM
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Re: Exhausted

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Any chance something else (in addition to or instead of ADHD) going on? Best Wishes, -LN
Sorry Womble. I was just thinking alotta overlap between ADHD and other disorders plus alotta ADHD'ers have comorbid conditions. Also the self-destruct comes and goes. Just a thought. -LN
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