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  #1  
Old 09-13-17, 02:48 PM
girlthroughtime girlthroughtime is offline
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Oppositional/Double Standard

So some things are significantly better since no more nicotine. We'll see how long that lasts.. Anyway, I was curious what one might call this. I say it seems oppositional, and a bit like a double standard. I don't understand it. I needed to get a new vehicle, mine was more than 10 years old and I didn't want to keep maintaining it. Also because I drive the children I felt like it was time for something new for safety reasons. I happen to work and make good money, and am also able to pay full cash for a vehicle. Money is not an issue. He got so weird - kept acting like the car is fine, you don't need a new one, you just want a new one to be fancy - I mean - these is like beyond reasoning. When I was like, nah, I don't even need a "new" car, nor a fancy car - he turns around and says, you can only buy this, it only make sense, it's the best (top of the line brand). I was like - who are you and why do you think you are the end all of this discussion with my money? So then I was like, fine, I found a used reasonably priced of this "top of the line brand" that you insist on - then he's like, hmm, maybe you should just buy a brand new one, it's not that much more than the used one and it's new.. I was like no.

Then he insisted on driving my old car to prove that it's just fine. And then suddenly almost a year later, he's complaining about it. And I said all the things he said to me - you just want to show off, and want a new car smell, you said it was fiiiiiine. Now I'm not a petty person, I can usually laugh things off - but him, he takes criticism really harshly. Of course he doesn't even recognize his own words thrown back in his face.

What is this? I've read that with ADHD people can be irritable and oppositional and seemingly selfish, but I don't understand. But how does this line of thinking go inside an ADHD brain? And he's like this with everything and everybody. Bemoan anything, and he'll be like, oh what are you complaining about - but it's okay when he complains.
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Old 09-14-17, 01:58 AM
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Re: Oppositional/Double Standard

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Originally Posted by girlthroughtime View Post
So some things are significantly better since no more nicotine. We'll see how long that lasts.. Anyway, I was curious what one might call this. I say it seems oppositional, and a bit like a double standard. I don't understand it. I needed to get a new vehicle, mine was more than 10 years old and I didn't want to keep maintaining it. Also because I drive the children I felt like it was time for something new for safety reasons. I happen to work and make good money, and am also able to pay full cash for a vehicle. Money is not an issue. He got so weird - kept acting like the car is fine, you don't need a new one, you just want a new one to be fancy - I mean - these is like beyond reasoning. When I was like, nah, I don't even need a "new" car, nor a fancy car - he turns around and says, you can only buy this, it only make sense, it's the best (top of the line brand). I was like - who are you and why do you think you are the end all of this discussion with my money? So then I was like, fine, I found a used reasonably priced of this "top of the line brand" that you insist on - then he's like, hmm, maybe you should just buy a brand new one, it's not that much more than the used one and it's new.. I was like no.
Is this your husband, boyfriend or partner? I dont see it as adhd related, I see it as a control issue. Like only he can decide if its time for a replacement car, and only he can decide if its new or used. Not fair to you especially if you can afford it. Is your money co-mingled? Is it a joint account or do you pay for certain things separately?


Quote:
Then he insisted on driving my old car to prove that it's just fine. And then suddenly almost a year later, he's complaining about it. And I said all the things he said to me - you just want to show off, and want a new car smell, you said it was fiiiiiine. Now I'm not a petty person, I can usually laugh things off - but him, he takes criticism really harshly. Of course he doesn't even recognize his own words thrown back in his face.
Yes, this is very petty. Why throw anything back in his face? Whats the point? If the goal is to get a new car and he is finally come to see that you need one, why muck it up by saying something like that? How will that help you meet your goal?
Quote:

What is this? I've read that with ADHD people can be irritable and oppositional and seemingly selfish, but I don't understand. But how does this line of thinking go inside an ADHD brain? And he's like this with everything and everybody. Bemoan anything, and he'll be like, oh what are you complaining about - but it's okay when he complains.
This is not necessarily an adhd thing? Have you read up on adhd? If you have then you will see that irritability, and opposition are not symptoms. I suggest you let it go, get the car and learn more about adhd.
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Old 09-19-17, 02:32 AM
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Re: Oppositional/Double Standard

Yup, it's not an ADHD thing.

It does seem like you two have a communication problem, though.

I would try to approach these kind of issues something like this: "My dear, it's hurtful to me when you tell me that I only want a new car to 'be fancy'. I know it's not what you really think of me, because you know me better than that. Can we try to figure out what's really upsetting you about the thought of me getting a new car, so we can work on a compromise?"

Maybe he's worried about future bills and spending too many savings on a car, in spite of you having money. Maybe he's jealous that you get something new and he doesn't, or maybe he was hoping for a big purchase in the near future that he has to postpone for you to get the car. I don't know, but unless you have a history of buying new things just to be "fancy", I doubt that's the real reason.

One thing that is an ADHD issue is reacting impulsively and not really being in touch with one's emotions. This pause and forced self-reflection should de-escalate the situation and make him understand how silly he's being. Unless it really is a control issue, in which case it won't work, but you'll know the kind of person he is.
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Old 10-04-17, 10:31 PM
Manyquestions20 Manyquestions20 is offline
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Re: Oppositional/Double Standard

Sounds like my husband. The only thing you can do is ignore them and make the decision best for you because once ADHD spouses make a decision it is hard to talk them out of it and god forbid you tell them no. My husband bought a motorcycle (Under my name because of his bad credit-MISTAKE) and someone stole it. I told him no more motorcycle because I was tired of taking him to work when it rain or it was cold when he had his first bike (his only form of transportation)..Well a few months later he took the money I saved and bought another motorcycle. Welcome to the life of an NON-ADHD wife.The best way for them to learn is to allow them to make mistakes. I suggest things to my husband because telling him what he is or isn't going to do will end in misery and very expensive.

Good Luck
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Old 10-08-17, 06:42 AM
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Re: Oppositional/Double Standard

Quote:
Originally Posted by Manyquestions20 View Post
Sounds like my husband. The only thing you can do is ignore them and make the decision best for you because once ADHD spouses make a decision it is hard to talk them out of it and god forbid you tell them no. My husband bought a motorcycle (Under my name because of his bad credit-MISTAKE) and someone stole it. I told him no more motorcycle because I was tired of taking him to work when it rain or it was cold when he had his first bike (his only form of transportation)..Well a few months later he took the money I saved and bought another motorcycle. Welcome to the life of an NON-ADHD wife.The best way for them to learn is to allow them to make mistakes. I suggest things to my husband because telling him what he is or isn't going to do will end in misery and very expensive.

Good Luck
How does he buy a motorcycle in your name without your permission and then take money and do it again?? I am all for consquences but at whose expense?
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