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  #14566  
Old 04-21-17, 01:02 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

FML. Having two guests. Both have a date next week. Awesome for them, but I'm alone. It may take years before I even will be able to date sober. Years without intimacy, passion, sex. Empty years. I wouldn't mind just not existing for the moment.
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  #14567  
Old 04-21-17, 01:08 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

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Originally Posted by Hermus View Post
FML. Having two guests. Both have a date next week. Awesome for them, but I'm alone. It may take years before I even will be able to date sober. Years without intimacy, passion, sex. Empty years. I wouldn't mind just not existing for the moment.
I was thinking, maybe you'd feel better on a different ADHD medication right now. You know, a change, a different perspective. They work fast.
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  #14568  
Old 04-21-17, 02:25 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

^^^ Good advice. I had no idea Ritialin was adversely effecting my mood until I tried something else.
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  #14569  
Old 04-21-17, 02:26 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

Ffs. Not this again. Uggh. Anxiety.com.
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  #14570  
Old 04-21-17, 02:41 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

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Originally Posted by Hermus View Post
FML. Having two guests. Both have a date next week. Awesome for them, but I'm alone. It may take years before I even will be able to date sober. Years without intimacy, passion, sex. Empty years. I wouldn't mind just not existing for the moment.
Thanks for sharing.

Hermus, let me suggest that your pain is so great right now that you ask for help from the organization you've been working with since you began the recovery process. Let me ask you to ask them if you can schedule an emergency appointment with one of their M.D.s. Tell them what you've expressed here on this forum over the last few days.

I would want that for anyone in your shoes. These are my suggestions because I care about you. Have you heard the saying, "Let us love you until you can love yourself?"

Love ya, man
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  #14571  
Old 04-21-17, 02:58 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

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Originally Posted by Letching Gray View Post
Thanks for sharing.

Hermus, let me suggest that your pain is so great right now that you ask for help from the organization you've been working with since you began the recovery process. Let me ask you to ask them if you can schedule an emergency appointment with one of their M.D.s. Tell them what you've expressed here on this forum over the last few days.

I would want that for anyone in your shoes. These are my suggestions because I care about you. Have you heard the saying, "Let us love you until you can love yourself?"

Love ya, man
From January, 2017

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Re: Love addiction
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Originally Posted by Hermus View Post
My goodness I found this article about sex and love addiction and 'sober dating'. It really puts me off. Taking time for months to get to know someone, making love a 'thoughtful committed decision'. Where is the passion in all this?

I'm not sure whether I really want my recovery to be this way. I want to fall passionately in love with someone, have hot sex with a new lover until the sun comes up and in general lose myself for some time. Does being a recovering addict really means we will never be able to enjoy life to the fullest anymore? Maybe it's my addictive thinking, but I still believe that some kind of excessive joy every now and then is the thing that makes me feel I'm really alive.

I felt exactly the same way, Hermus. Scared out of my wits. Here I was, trying like mad to abandon all the SLA behaviors, which meant not engaging in the purest forms of pleasure I'd cherished all my life, in exchange for who knows what? Maybe nothing. I might have to remain chaste the rest of my life. Passion and desire were the essence of what made my world go round, you know?

At the same time, my conscience had been pricked. I was finally incapable of denying any longer the horrific mess I'd made chasing my addictions. And, I, "I" was the one choosing to withdraw from that insanity. Nobody was forcing me to do anything. I could act out any time. It was up to me.

It took all my strength NOT to act out. I realized I had to dedicate myself to the withdrawal process exclusively. I quit work and moved in to a room where I could exert all my energy, all my will and strength and resolve, all my life not to act out.

One thing was for sure, I had a clearly established pattern of addictive behavior that was ripping me apart and the people I loved the most. Writing down on paper my history was powerful. "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." Step 4 helped me to see in black and white what I was already aware of to varying degrees. But, there it was. My history on paper.

I would at least have a measure of integrity if I was able to stick to withdrawal, 1 breath at a time, and I would be able to distinguish healthy and from unhealthy behavior.

I would not trade 1 second during the toughest times of recovery for all the time in addiction that was passionate and ecstatic.
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Old 04-21-17, 03:11 PM
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Lightbulb Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

A dialogue from Jan 2017

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hermus
So what has been your own answer to the question whether you had to remain chaste for the rest of your life? Did you do it? Is it necessary for someone with love addiction?

At the moment quitting my love addiction seems quite heavy, because I don't really know what sober love will look like for me. Is it still healthy to fall in love or has that become part of the obsession that characterizes a love addiction? Can I learn to fully enjoy love relationships, instead of always having to be on guard all the time because it might become part of a destructive and self-undermining pattern? I'm really confused about these questions at the moment.

[...] I have slowly started to uncover ways to reach a heightened emotional state, without resorting to mentally, physically or spiritually damaging substances or behaviours.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Letching Gray
To sacrifice my "love" and "sex" addiction to gain who I am now is like escaping a burning building to enjoy a sunset. I was so consumed, I was so completely, "the addiction", I was so deeply into chasing that mirage of an exquisite, fulfilling relationship, one where I'd never long again for someone else, that would "make me whole", that I couldn't gauge how desperately ill I really was.

Hermus, to describe the differences before withdrawal and after passing through it, is, in a way, like trying to describe color to a blind person. No condescension intended at all. All that energy wasted, poured into pursuing something that didn't exist, has become available for building a whole person for the first time in my life. I never knew how truly "diseased" I was, although the glimpses I had seen were repulsive to me.

That gnawing neediness, the unrelenting urgency to get my next "fix" was so all-consuming that I was entangled in a life or death, frantic effort to extract some measure of meaning out of life, that I could never really rest and enjoy just being. I could not simply enjoy me and the minutia of things in life that make it joyful. Again, hard to explain.

I don't seek nor do I crave an earth-shattering experience to get high. I like my cat! (I always hated cats!) I enjoy reading, building up my friends, working around my house, sweeping the floor, target practicing, cutting timbers, befriending my sister, being alone, sleeping, anticipating the unexpected little things that come my way throughout the day. I love being really helpful and cooperative, being a knucklehead, being polite to people on the phone, trying to help them and not demanding they do as I want. Telling people's bosses what a good job that customer service rep has done.

I suggest you be seated for this one. Are you ready for this? I enjoy letting people in-during traffic jams. I enjoy it. (I've gone off the deep end, I know).

For work I found something I never, ever, not once, considered and it has been unbelievable. I get to encourage others. Big time. Beyond my wildest dreams.

And, and, my love life is far better than I had hoped. Let me hasten to add, there have been times of pain and struggle, disappointment, anger, sadness, doubt, the whole nine yards, as anyone experiences as a person fully engaged in life as it is. But, the cravings are gone. That diabolical longing for "an other" has disappeared. Building a relationship out of honesty, tenderness, sacrifice, self-respect, from a position of strength and wholeness rather than clingy neediness, is new to me and worth every second of the work put into abstaining from acting in ways that destroyed me and harmed others.

I really was not sure I could pull through the hell of withdrawal, especially not knowing how long it would take. It was terrifying. I did not want to give ground, though, and I didn't enjoy being in hell. And I didn't know what I could find as motivation to push ahead. I did believe, based on what I was studying in the SLAA text, that there would be light at the end of the tunnel if I could string together just one more day, hour, minute, breath at a time. And withdrawal does end.

Last edited by namazu; 04-21-17 at 04:21 PM.. Reason: to remove comments about spirituality/religion
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  #14573  
Old 04-21-17, 07:21 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

Quote:
Originally Posted by Letching Gray View Post
Thanks for sharing.

Hermus, let me suggest that your pain is so great right now that you ask for help from the organization you've been working with since you began the recovery process. Let me ask you to ask them if you can schedule an emergency appointment with one of their M.D.s. Tell them what you've expressed here on this forum over the last few days.

I would want that for anyone in your shoes. These are my suggestions because I care about you. Have you heard the saying, "Let us love you until you can love yourself?"

Love ya, man
Have been to my therapist today and spoke out about everything that bothered me. But it still isn't really going that well. Tomorrow I will go to the NA meeting and share about what is going on. Monday I will have my recovery group in the morning and depending on how the weekend goes I will call to the organization I'm working with in the afternoon. If things will go better over the weekend I won't, if it will continue to be this bad I will.

I don't want to relapse, but I also don't want all this pain and emptiness of recovery anymore. I have suffered so much in life. 32 years with so much pain and I don't deserve this. I don't deserve having to spend years alone again, without sex, intimacy, passion etc. I don't deserve being an old guy before I can even think of becoming a father. Why won't the pain and hurt ever stop for me? Why will life never be normal? I'm not that terrible that I deserve all this.

Tonight I was with two friends and all I could think about was relapsing. We went pooling and I intentionally focused on the smell of alcohol, intentionally took a long stare at the bottles with strong liquor. Wanted to text a girl with alcohol and sex and love addiction, who did choose her addiction over recovery whether she was somewhere drinking. Thought if I could meet her that would grant me permission to drink as well. I wrote the message and was really thinking of sending it. Only at the last moment did I decide not to and I instead told my friends (who also are recovering addicts) what was going on. Got a lot of support from them, which was great.
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  #14574  
Old 04-21-17, 07:22 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

I'm tired and strangely down. Saw parts of a movie called rescue dawn. Based on a true story. I don't even want to write anything.
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  #14575  
Old 04-21-17, 10:35 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

All the work you've done, all the time. the energy, following recovery principles, reaching out, being honest and vulnerable, standing in your pain and hurting like hell and not escaping in ways that hurt you, You are doing this thing Hermus. You are doing it. One second at a time, which is all anyone has. You are recovering. You are taking back what was stolen from you. You are doing the impossible. You are.
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Old 04-21-17, 10:42 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

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Originally Posted by Letching Gray View Post
All the work you've done, all the time. the energy, following recovery principles, reaching out, being honest and vulnerable, standing in your pain and hurting like hell and not escaping in ways that hurt you, You are doing this thing Hermus. You are doing it. One second at a time, which is all anyone has. You are recovering. You are taking back what was stolen from you. You are doing the impossible. You are.
No, I'm going down hard. Addiction is a progressive disease, recovery seems to be a degenerative disease. Didn't feel this empty since rehab and this close to relapse. Relapse, as much as I've been warned about it, can't possibly hurt more than this. I don't know why I even choose to remain sober.
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Old 04-21-17, 11:31 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

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Originally Posted by Hermus View Post
No, I'm going down hard. Addiction is a progressive disease, recovery seems to be a degenerative disease. Didn't feel this empty since rehab and this close to relapse. Relapse, as much as I've been warned about it, can't possibly hurt more than this. I don't know why I even choose to remain sober.
O, it can hurt plenty more. You can hurt more. It can kill you, and would like to.

The founder had a dream that he was fighting a gorilla over a knife. Very real, frightening dream. He woke up realizing that the gorilla was the addiction and the knife was his life.

And the struggle is exhausting, deadly, too much for us.
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Old 04-22-17, 12:40 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

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O, it can hurt plenty more. You can hurt more. It can kill you, and would like to.

The founder had a dream that he was fighting a gorilla over a knife. Very real, frightening dream. He woke up realizing that the gorilla was the addiction and the knife was his life.

And the struggle is exhausting, deadly, too much for us.
Not even going to fight the gorilla. It would be more than welcome to kill me and release me from this hell.
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Old 04-22-17, 01:31 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

Just wondering how to get to drugs. My usual supplier is a family member that won't be likely to supply me anymore after rehab.
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Old 04-22-17, 01:34 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

Could you channel some of your current ennui/anger into a workout at the gym?
(Make your own happy brain chemicals that way...safer and cheaper than finding a dealer.)
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