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  #91  
Old 04-21-17, 01:17 PM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

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Well, my experience is that my mother wasn't available to me when I was feeling upset, dismissing my feelings. There was little room to express how I felt. So I don't know if I'm right, but that's the way I have come to believe the world works.
You are working on your Masters and you're viewpoint is that narrow as to how the world works?

My mum told me, "If you think you're going to tell that psychiatrist that your father or I am to blame, you have another thing coming!" And the she gave me the scary face and added, "And I mean it!"
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  #92  
Old 04-22-17, 08:38 AM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

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You are working on your Masters and you're viewpoint is that narrow as to how the world works?

My mum told me, "If you think you're going to tell that psychiatrist that your father or I am to blame, you have another thing coming!" And the she gave me the scary face and added, "And I mean it!"
A big part of how we view the world comes from the way we were raised. I don't think you or me are different from anybody else in that respect.
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Old 04-22-17, 08:42 AM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

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A big part of how we view the world comes from the way we were raised. I don't think you or me are different from anybody else in that respect.

I had hoped you could see The Bigger Picture by now. Perhaps in time you shall.
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  #94  
Old 04-22-17, 08:46 AM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

At the NA meeting this morning I shared some things about my struggles with not being able to date, drink etc. After the meeting a fellow came to me who also had a SLA and four years of sobriety under his belt. My therapist couldn't really give an answer on how I would know I was ready to date (something that in my point of view might be expected of a therapist working with addiction). So I asked the fellow.

The fellow explained that to him it was about trial-and-error. Just trying and being aware of what you are feeling and how the addiction responds to it. Making adjustments on the way when noticing that the addiction is triggered. To me it all sounds very logical and it sounds like I can take an active role in my own process. At first because of what my therapist said I thought that it was about abstinence until noticing some sign or some change or something. That thought was killing, because it would give me no power over my own recovery whatsoever.
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  #95  
Old 04-22-17, 08:47 AM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

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I had hoped you could see The Bigger Picture by now. Perhaps in time you shall.
I can't unlearn in six months the things I've learned in 32 years.

A thing that was nice though was that I really was emotional during the meeting and in tears because I was in so much pain. Instead of reacting like I was a wimp for showing my feelings, a female fellow just hugged me and comforted me. She told me that I was doing great by talking and showing my feelings. It's nice to experience that at least for some women it is okay if a man shows vulnerability and emotions.
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  #96  
Old 04-22-17, 09:42 AM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

I would venture to guess that a large majority of women are definitively turned OFF when a potential mate consistently denies his own emotions. For one thing, it may mean he will also deny hers.
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  #97  
Old 04-22-17, 05:36 PM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

Had a good talk with two friends about dating and sex tonight. I always had all kinds of believe about what real men should want. A real man should try to have sex with someone new as soon as possible etc. When having more serious conversations about these issues I start to find out actually what I think men should want is unfounded. All three of us have had sex on first or second date, but the three of us all thought that this wasn't all that wonderful and that it felt much better to first establish an emotional connection. Not really corresponding to the 'men want sex and women want love' stereotype. I think changing my beliefs will be a very positive step in the direction of recovery and will take away a lot of pressure on dating and sex.
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  #98  
Old 04-22-17, 05:51 PM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

Also talked about emotions, crying etc. Something I never really talked to them before. Maybe we are all at a stage in our lives where we grow from boys to men.
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  #99  
Old 04-22-17, 05:53 PM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

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Also talked about emotions, crying etc. Something I never really talked to them before. Maybe we are all at a stage in our lives where we grow from boys to men.
Yes, or so we hope. For me, it happened many times and continues to happen.
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  #100  
Old 04-24-17, 11:02 AM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

Still feeling very tired after the last week. It has been a struggle and I believe that I haven't been closer to relapse than I was Friday night. But I stayed sober and I know that it will all be worth it in the end.
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Old 04-24-17, 02:25 PM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

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Still feeling very tired after the last week. It has been a struggle and I believe that I haven't been closer to relapse than I was Friday night. But I stayed sober and I know that it will all be worth it in the end.
You ain't kiddin, bro. Glad you remained sober. You have come so far. At the same time, each of us in recovery is only a choice away from returning to what we were. I have heard so many times that if we go back, we start up again where we'd be if we had never gotten clean. Hard to imagine how disgusting I'd be.

Glad you are home, safe, sane and sober.
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  #102  
Old 04-24-17, 03:32 PM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

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You ain't kiddin, bro. Glad you remained sober. You have come so far. At the same time, each of us in recovery is only a choice away from returning to what we were. I have heard so many times that if we go back, we start up again where we'd be if we had never gotten clean. Hard to imagine how disgusting I'd be.

Glad you are home, safe, sane and sober.
What I have read about it is that when we relapse and pick up again, we still have all the things we learned in our recovery. So not back to where we'd be if we had never gotten clean, but I also heard from fellows that picking up after relapse is particularly hard. And it causes a standstill in our recovery. So yes, I'm happy I've stayed sober. It would have been way harder for me right now if I would have relapsed.
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  #103  
Old 04-25-17, 12:35 AM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

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What I have read about it is that when we relapse and pick up again, we still have all the things we learned in our recovery. So not back to where we'd be if we had never gotten clean, but I also heard from fellows that picking up after relapse is particularly hard. And it causes a standstill in our recovery. So yes, I'm happy I've stayed sober. It would have been way harder for me right now if I would have relapsed.
Head full of AA and a belly full of beer. They don't mix.
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  #104  
Old 04-25-17, 01:42 AM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

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Head full of AA and a belly full of beer. They don't mix.
Or as they say in NA: A head full of NA and a body full of drugs.
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  #105  
Old 04-26-17, 03:00 AM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

Interesting the way my withdrawal changes my outlook on women and interaction with them. There is an advise in SLAA about when you encounter a beautiful woman. Look, appreciate and then look away. That's what I did yesterday at the concert. I must say that I could enjoy the look of some beautiful women there, without immediately starting to fantasize about walking up to them etc. Something I would normally fantasize about, but rarely really do.

Also just a look and a smile, it didn't mean anything to me in the past because my mind immediately wanted more out of it. Now when such a thing happens I can appreciate it for what it is, without further expectations.

I think those are changes in the way my mind functions that makes me enjoy women more and shows that recovery starts to change things for the better.
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