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Old 09-23-09, 12:58 AM
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Unhappy I won't shut the **** up.

I talk. A lot. Especially if someone pauses for a moment during conversations. I don't know, I just get going on topics and then I tend to guide the conversation my direction, and once I'm on a topic or a train of thought, I don't derail well. My friends feel like I blow them off, because they'll bring up something that's important to them, and I'll respond and then go off onto a tangent and never really address whatever they're bringing up again after the initial comment.

My fiancee tries to tell me about her day but once I'm talking to her, it's just me talking until I'm bored and then the conversation's over. That or with her I just completely tune her out if I've got anything else going on, but that's a different issue.

My best friend just told me she felt like I blew her off today because she wanted to talk about a couple things that were important to her, but I wouldn't shut up about drug companies and IQ tests and a couple other things. I tried to keep the conversation centered on her, but I lost track.

I feel terrible. I should probably stop talking again. I just need to shut the **** up and listen, but pauses in conversations hurt me and I can't help but interject my opinion or blurt out whatever comes into my head when someone says something. I try to interrupt people every few words as soon as something comes into my brain, like there's no delay between my thinking it and my mouth trying to say it.

I just want to be a good friend, to listen to people's problems and help them solve them, and listen to the important things that go on with their life, and...

I just can't shut the **** up and I'm hurting the people around me as a result. =[

Turns out, I have ADHD.

****.

I wouldn't mind if I didn't have the same ******* symptoms as a kid. 23 years and I haven't changed at all. I'm still a petulant, incorrigible 7 year old brat who can't sit still.

Would be nice to be in the ~65% whose symptoms remit to below diagnostic criteria. >=[
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Old 09-23-09, 02:16 AM
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Re: I won't shut the **** up.

You're stimming from talking. Find another means to stimulate your understimulated brain and perhaps you'll talk less.
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Old 09-23-09, 03:19 AM
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Re: I won't shut the **** up.

Think that keeping your mind occupied is important. And try to keep in mind that silences in conversations are normal, most people need to think about their answers before giving them. Just whenever a silence occurs in conversation, try to remember this, you'll both be occupied thinking about that and at the same time you're silent because you need to think of it .

Also have you officially been diagnosed with ADHD? Because in that case you might want to think about telling your friends and explaining to them that this could be the cause of you sometimes breaking them off in conversation. That it is not a form of rudeness, but that you just have a brain that pops up with 20 cool things to say as soon as you hear half a sentence of what they say. And just tell your friends that if they want to talk to you about something important, that they can 'rerail' you at any time if they notice you moving off in a different direction. I mean it might be weird, but I think it helps.

For the rest I recognize some of the things you say, but I generally keep my breath. Have it very often that when people come to ask me things I already know what they want after half a sentence and on bad days I'll just say: "Ah so you want me to [help you][schoolwork][etc]". But most of the time I just hold my breath. Does occur during classes to, especially when you're busy with group assignments and the teacher poses you with a question. I always have the need to just answer straight away because you know that if you don't you first have half a minute of class mates staring blankly into space wondering if someone else would please give the answer.
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Old 09-23-09, 07:22 AM
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Re: I won't shut the **** up.

Quote:
Especially if someone pauses for a moment during conversations.
My husband does this, it drives me nuts. When we're talking, I'll pause at the end of a sentence where a period should go (if you were reading). That's where my husband jumps in with his comments (relevant or not) because he just has to get his thoughts out before he forgets them. I used to think this was so rude and disrespectful and infuriating. We would fight; I'd say he interrupted me, and he'd say "No, you were finished talking". Now, I understand why he does it, he can't help it. So I let him finish his tangent, and then I got back and repeat my first sentence and continue with what I was saying. When he hears me repeat what I said it clues him in that he did interupt me. If it's really important I'll interrupt him interrupting me and clearly state "Please let me get this out, it's important"

Before he was diagnosed this senario would turn into an all out brawl. Now I understand why he does what he does, and he understands that I was just talking in sentences (or pausing to breathe, as all humans are allowed to do) and wasn't actually finished what I was saying.

Covenant is right. You should explain to your friends why you interrupt them. Then tell them what you need them to do when you do that. Put their hand up, interrupt you and say "i'm not done", tell you if it's important that you listen to them in a particular conversation...I know when I preface something I need to say with "This is important to me.." My husband knows to give me at least most of his attention.
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Old 09-23-09, 12:04 PM
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Re: I won't shut the **** up.

KMiller,
Let your fiancee know the issue and give her permission to tell you when you are doing it. You will need to work on this with her so she does not think you are just an insensitive jerk that constantly hurts her feelings. I've been through this with my hubby (33 years and still going) and I would get too sensitive and think he was just being mean and self centered. I understand better now and so does he. We both work on it.

Hey LeoSunshine,
I think we are married to the same man.
Now that I am on meds, I do not do it as much so our conversations are no longer the crazy 2 people trying to download everything before we forget messy communication.
I used to think he was just insensitive and sometimes a jerk, but I understand more now that I recognize the ADD symptoms that we both have, and am more tolerant. I am also better at telling him that he is doing it rather than just taking it personally and being hurt.
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Old 09-23-09, 12:14 PM
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Re: I won't shut the **** up.

Both my fiancee and my best friend know that I have ADHD, yes I have a proper diagnosis (like 4 times now, hehe) and yeah. They know why I do it, but it doesn't make it any less hurtful.

I've told my friend to start telling me when I do this, so I can start to learn better, but she didn't tell me until after she'd gone to bed, which meant it was already too late to talk about whatever. I told her in the future I want her to tell me right when I do it. I can't learn by being told hours later "btw you blew me off back there." I need to be stopped and told what I'm doing.

I'm hoping she'll start doing this for me. I really want to get better. <=[
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Old 09-23-09, 12:18 PM
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Re: I won't shut the **** up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KMiller View Post
I talk. A lot. Especially if someone pauses for a moment during conversations. I don't know, I just get going on topics and then I tend to guide the conversation my direction, and once I'm on a topic or a train of thought, I don't derail well. My friends feel like I blow them off, because they'll bring up something that's important to them, and I'll respond and then go off onto a tangent and never really address whatever they're bringing up again after the initial comment.

My fiancee tries to tell me about her day but once I'm talking to her, it's just me talking until I'm bored and then the conversation's over. That or with her I just completely tune her out if I've got anything else going on, but that's a different issue.

My best friend just told me she felt like I blew her off today because she wanted to talk about a couple things that were important to her, but I wouldn't shut up about drug companies and IQ tests and a couple other things. I tried to keep the conversation centered on her, but I lost track.

I feel terrible. I should probably stop talking again. I just need to shut the **** up and listen, but pauses in conversations hurt me and I can't help but interject my opinion or blurt out whatever comes into my head when someone says something. I try to interrupt people every few words as soon as something comes into my brain, like there's no delay between my thinking it and my mouth trying to say it.

I just want to be a good friend, to listen to people's problems and help them solve them, and listen to the important things that go on with their life, and...

I just can't shut the **** up and I'm hurting the people around me as a result. =[

Turns out, I have ADHD.

****.

I wouldn't mind if I didn't have the same ******* symptoms as a kid. 23 years and I haven't changed at all. I'm still a petulant, incorrigible 7 year old brat who can't sit still.

Would be nice to be in the ~65% whose symptoms remit to below diagnostic criteria. >=[

I did/do this.....even during my ADD evaluation when my Doc was giving me his history of his own ADD I literally had to bite my tounge because every three words outta his mouth caused an uncontrollable urge for me to interupt and tell him MY example of what he said, or MY thought on something related.

I do this, have this urge in any and every conversation and have known it a long time. I finally discovered that at social functions if I can be occupied even slightly with my hands doing something, I can listen.....so I spend all my time in my kitchen or with the host helping them (kitchens that are open to party going on)....find something to stimulate you physically.....hard I know, sometimes looks like your OCD to fidget, but I know it helps for me and I would rather they think me constantly stirring my drink or twirling a straw or rattling the coins in my pocket is quirky than be hurt I appear I don't care about what they have to say.
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Old 09-23-09, 12:20 PM
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Re: I won't shut the **** up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KMiller View Post
Both my fiancee and my best friend know that I have ADHD, yes I have a proper diagnosis (like 4 times now, hehe) and yeah. They know why I do it, but it doesn't make it any less hurtful.

I've told my friend to start telling me when I do this, so I can start to learn better, but she didn't tell me until after she'd gone to bed, which meant it was already too late to talk about whatever. I told her in the future I want her to tell me right when I do it. I can't learn by being told hours later "btw you blew me off back there." I need to be stopped and told what I'm doing.

I'm hoping she'll start doing this for me. I really want to get better. <=[
Maybe explain how you do this to everyone, not just the people closest to you. If affects your life in other ways, not just your friendships...Coworkers, teachers, professors....people with 'authority' will not be happy about you doing this.
Explain that you trust her enough to help you 'train' to stop doing this and that it has to be done at the exact moment that you do it. Telling you after the fact wont do any good.

Not to equate you with a dog... dogs don't understand why your yelling at them 4 hours after they've pooped on the rug.. you have to reinforce the behavior immediately, catching them in the act, or they wont know why your yelling.
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Old 09-23-09, 12:25 PM
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Re: I won't shut the **** up.

....exactly, and KMiller if you have a "pooping on the rug" problem too, and your more concerned with the interupting thing, then you have very understanding friends, but you will still have to take that concern to a dog training forum.
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Old 09-23-09, 12:36 PM
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Re: I won't shut the **** up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Leo_SunShine View Post
Maybe explain how you do this to everyone, not just the people closest to you. If affects your life in other ways, not just your friendships...Coworkers, teachers, professors....people with 'authority' will not be happy about you doing this.
Explain that you trust her enough to help you 'train' to stop doing this and that it has to be done at the exact moment that you do it. Telling you after the fact wont do any good.
It's not as much of a problem at work. Also, at work, I am a lot less "at ease" and tend to be better in control of myself. My brain delays better at work - not perfectly, I still interrupt coworkers and residents sometimes, but it's not as severe. Also, at work, it's not during things that people are finding meaningful. The main issue here is that I'll derail and interrupt when they're trying to talk to me about something important to them.

Quote:
Not to equate you with a dog... dogs don't understand why your yelling at them 4 hours after they've pooped on the rug.. you have to reinforce the behavior immediately, catching them in the act, or they wont know why your yelling.
OH MY GOD HOW DARE YOU

Kidding. I know how behavioral interventions work, I work as a technician and child care worker in a psychiatric hospital with kids with ADHD. This is part of why I told my friend I need to be told immediately when I'm doing the behavior. Just because humans can reason and such doesn't mean we aren't animals and don't learn the same way.

Though I'm a human and I'm capable of taking criticism after the fact and trying to fix the problem, humans can do that (whereas dogs cannot), but the problem is telling me after the fact doesn't let us get back on the topic. If you want to talk to me about your girlfriend, and I wander off, and you don't tell me right then, well, we're not going to finish talking about your girlfriend. Which is something I really, truly want to do, I just don't realize I'm changing subjects.

This was more of a rant than a plea for help, but thanks for your suggestions guys.
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Old 09-23-09, 12:48 PM
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Re: I won't shut the **** up.

(((((hugs))))). This is a behavior that you CAN modify.

Getting people- your friend, your fiance- to tell you when you are doing this will help a ton. Doing something with your hands- I doodle or take notes- has been VERY helpful for me.
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Old 09-23-09, 01:38 PM
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Re: I won't shut the **** up.

Resident old guy here.

I keep coming across stuff that doesn't affect me now so much, but did when I was younger. Also note that I'm inattentive, but the interruption thing is something I've had trouble with. It still happens when I feel rushed, though with age comes better ability to resist being rushed.

I think one of the main reasons this happens is that we spend our entire childhood believing we're stupid/lazy/defective/unmotivated/etc./etc. By early adulthood we have enough of a grasp of things to start firing back. And we do. Sometimes too much. Ask yourself why you feel you simply must have your feelings known. Don't pin it on the ADHD. What do you get from it?

Try this. Consider the conversation as merely the fruit from a tree. The fruit has characteristics of its own, but you may not truly understand them until you know the tree's history. How old, what kind of soil, weather patterns, surrounding flora, mistreatment, fires, etc. Be the tree to fully appreciate the fruit.

What you pick up from a conversation can be so much more than the immediate concepts. They can lead to a fuller understanding of the speaker, point to things you don't understand, illuminate other contexts, the list goes on. Sometimes the meanings of the words have nothing to do with the message. Sometimes the message isn't what the speaker thinks it is. Explore.

Many of us are far more intuitive than we give ourselves credit for. This is a good way to try out that possibility. It's a matter of managing distractions. Instead of barging off to talk about what was on your mind just now, what about following this new, interesting trail of possibilities? (oooo, shiny!)

If you can fully relax your head to consider all these things, I think you'll find yourself getting quieter in conversations. And comprehending more. Mind you, this is not to suggest you've become any less intense about the subject matter, only that you've opened yourself to the possibility that it might take you to unexpected places. Sort of an assertive, open humility if you will.

Do I expect a man in his 20's to be able to pull this off? No. But kick it around. You will find it quite useful. You'll never get as good at it as you'd like. Better to start sooner.

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Old 09-23-09, 01:56 PM
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Re: I won't shut the **** up.

Did this ever make you blurt out the wrong girl's name? It happened to me once years ago.

I am still stitching my head back on. It comes loose and slides off every now and then. I always keep band-aids handy.
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Old 09-23-09, 04:16 PM
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Re: I won't shut the **** up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KMiller View Post
I talk. A lot. Especially if someone pauses for a moment during conversations. I don't know, I just get going on topics and then I tend to guide the conversation my direction, and once I'm on a topic or a train of thought, I don't derail well. My friends feel like I blow them off, because they'll bring up something that's important to them, and I'll respond and then go off onto a tangent and never really address whatever they're bringing up again after the initial comment.

My fiancee tries to tell me about her day but once I'm talking to her, it's just me talking until I'm bored and then the conversation's over. That or with her I just completely tune her out if I've got anything else going on, but that's a different issue.

My best friend just told me she felt like I blew her off today because she wanted to talk about a couple things that were important to her, but I wouldn't shut up about drug companies and IQ tests and a couple other things. I tried to keep the conversation centered on her, but I lost track.

I feel terrible. I should probably stop talking again. I just need to shut the **** up and listen, but pauses in conversations hurt me and I can't help but interject my opinion or blurt out whatever comes into my head when someone says something. I try to interrupt people every few words as soon as something comes into my brain, like there's no delay between my thinking it and my mouth trying to say it.

I just want to be a good friend, to listen to people's problems and help them solve them, and listen to the important things that go on with their life, and...

I just can't shut the **** up and I'm hurting the people around me as a result. =[

Turns out, I have ADHD.

****.

I wouldn't mind if I didn't have the same ******* symptoms as a kid. 23 years and I haven't changed at all. I'm still a petulant, incorrigible 7 year old brat who can't sit still.

Would be nice to be in the ~65% whose symptoms remit to below diagnostic criteria. >=[
i have exactly the same problem. I cannot stop talking. I am one of the severely hyperactive cases of ADHD that is like a windup toy that doesnt stop

sometimes it IS funny, but more often, I see it as a huge impairment

when my psychiatrist diagnosed me, she said that lots of people dont realise that a telltale sign of PHYSICAL hyperactitivy is excessive talking. I hadnt known that before.

the trouble with this Concerta that I am on during the day, is that it has turned me into a bit of a ZOMBIE, during the working day. While i can get work done, I dont talk as much. And some colleagues have asked me if i am okay.

I am okay, but you know something, i dont like being a ****ing zombie, sometimes, but at least I seem more normal on it, and can do my work and focus better.

No matter what though, the relentless stream of talking NEVER really stops.

lots of people think i am crazy, and i cant watch a film or even a programme with anybody, because i talk all the time!!

i tend to try to avoid using the phone at work, because, i will either

(a) come across as such a cocky expert that i scare off contacts

or, for the most part

(b) sound totally loonie bin crazy

I CANNOT STOP TALKING. and when i dont talk, i am either writing every waking hour, or reading.

There is no ADHD cure for the talking i dont think. No drug can really resolve this. All i can hope for, is to meet a partner one day that will put up with it.
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Old 09-24-09, 09:48 AM
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Re: I won't shut the **** up.

whew. you are really talkative kinda person. I know that situation not always bring a good results. but hope you can minimize it.
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