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Old 08-19-20, 03:09 AM
asalem asalem is offline
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I feel as if I am so different

Hi all, my adhd is slowly destroying my life. I feel like I am not satisfied with anything. I get bored so fast that I have to change. I have worked over 15 jobs (no joke). I only got fired once. The rest were my decision because of the need to change. This and I can't make or keep friends for what I believe is my aspergers but I don't mind have aspergers at all. I don't care if I am different in that way. I just want to be functional but I am not.

I was diagnosed adhd by my family doctor as a teen. My family doctor was my dads friend who knew I had mental issues since He was often visit us. I later confided in him my problems in life and He told me you have adhd. He prescribed something similar to Adderall. I think it starts with a V. Vyannse or something. I had a very brief experience with experimenting on pills. The stimulants made me very junky like. Unable to eat and completely wired up. Even after using it for a month in the prescribed dosages, I would having very bad symptoms.

I found out years later that I have aspergers. When I was a boy, I used to line up my toys and have meltdowns. I suspect my teacher knew I was special needs but they was never told. They treated me like one at least. I was treated like one by my some of my peers too. It doesn't help that I stutter. As soon as people hear me talk, they can see I can barely put a sentence together. I had always tried to hide it and so I was very a quiet until now. I am so socially awkward that when I run into someone in know my community where I go to pray, I get a panic attack and I start to talk nervously. I remember when I in middle school, I had to give a presentation and I was shivering just to read out loud 3 short paragraphs from paper. The shivering was obvious as it was it was a shivered voice and body.That was the most demeaning time of my life. In high school I would avoid lunch and go to the library just to avoid sitting alone. I wonder if anybody noticed lol.

Dont get me wrong. I had some great friends and experiences in school but they were filled with extremely awkward situations. I am not a bad looking guy. Not the most handsome but handsome enough to attract women. I always get admired for my Arab hazel big rounded eyes and eyelashes. Fast forward to being 29 years old. I am a little more mature than I was but I am still delayed in many things. Still socially awkward but I am more aware and conscious.

At one point after college I managed to get by and have some friends but this didn't end up to well. My last set of friends I was very socially awkward that they thought I was sleep. I met them at work. I ended up quitting that job so I can avoid them and the social interactions. I am trying to recover from this and find friends like the first set of friends who accepted me for whom I am without treating me like I am slow or disabled. It has been many years and I have had minimal communications with people. I have no confidence to make and keep friends any more.

I fell like I gave up but I desire companionship. The best thing that happened to me is getting married. I was only able to get married because it's easy back home to get married, especially if you speak English fluently like me. I have a great wife who loves me and respects me. I thought getting married would have be less worried about lacking friends. Turns out I am clearly wrong. I have been unemployed since I got laid off since covid 19.

I smoke from my derb herb vape almost as soon as I get up until I sleep. I smoke CBD and THC. If I get stoned, I will daydream and listen to the same track for a hour or so and pretend like I am living a dream life. I am getting depressed now as I don't have a friend. My wife is the love of my life but I need more than that. I am grateful for a wife when I thought I could never get married. It's a miracle for me. I want friends but I want ones who will respect me and love me for whom I am. I also don't want to fake friends like my last set of friends.

I have two questions.

1. Is right for me to ask of this or do I have accept friends who talk to like I am slow because I am one.
2. Is it justified to blame my dysfunctionality and some of my failure on my genetic predisposition?

Sorry for the long post. Some of you may relate and I appreciate all the positive responses. Much love family.

Last edited by namazu; 08-24-20 at 05:43 PM.. Reason: Added paragraph breaks and removed content that violates ADDF guidelines.
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Old 08-24-20, 01:52 AM
juliusrickus juliusrickus is offline
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Re: I feel as if I am so different

Hey asalem,

You have every right to ask for friends that respect you and treat you normally without making you feel out of place. That's what true friends are for. You are able to identify the people you need in your life that would allow you to create an environment that's loving and healthy, and I know there are plenty of people out there who can't admit that and end up getting stuck in toxic situations. I believe you have the right mindset towards the people you want to surround yourself with, so stick with it.

You shouldn't blame yourself nor focus too much on what you weren't able to achieve in your life due to your ADHD. Look at how much you've gone through and survived as a person with this disorder. And to end up by your side with a wife that loves you? Not everyone can say that, and better yet, you have someone who can really work with you to help you improve your daily life. That's a huge achievement. I hope you have discussed with her your concerns and feelings in depth. It could help to change your perspective by not blaming, but understanding. If there are shortcomings, you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. Like how you would like friends that respect and love you for who you are, be that type of friend for your ADHD.
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Old 09-01-20, 06:17 AM
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sarahsweets sarahsweets is offline
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Re: I feel as if I am so different

When you say "blame" for genetic predispositions what do you mean? Would you mind explaining so I understand better?
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Old 09-03-20, 01:09 PM
acdc01 acdc01 is offline
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Re: I feel as if I am so different

Are there any asperger groups in your area? Maybe you can find people similar to you in that kind of a setting.

I have difficulties too. You aren’t alone in this.
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Old 09-03-20, 07:41 PM
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Re: I feel as if I am so different

Quote:
Originally Posted by asalem
I have two questions.

1. Is right for me to ask of this or do I have accept friends who talk to like I am slow because I am one.
2. Is it justified to blame my dysfunctionality and some of my failure on my genetic predisposition?
Hi asalem,
The answer to your first question is no and you shouldn’t. Real friends will accept you as you are and someone who should make you feel good being around. The problem, I think is that real friendships are so difficult to make or find.

My mother always said “you will make a lot of acquaintances in your lifetime and you’ll be lucky if you make one or two real friendships.”

Finding good people to associate with is difficult to find but they’re out there is a good start. Learning how to identify, avoid and exclude people from your life that are detrimental (The negatives) is critical. Learning how to identify those who show traits of what you consider a “friend” (The positives) is important.

Basically, learning how to weed out those who are negatives and associating with the positives will greatly increase your odds of building good relationships. Be selective with whom you spend your time with. I would rather be alone than out with a group of people feeling awkward, anxious and lonely.

The answer to question #2 is absolutely to me. Blame it on whatever you want or think it is.
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