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Non-ADD Partner Support This is a support forum for non-ADD partners, spouses, and significant others offering feedback from both the ADD and non-ADD perspectives

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Old 09-07-03, 05:37 PM
dktootle dktootle is offline

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I am married to an ADHD man and boy can I say I am tired........
I need people to talk to soooo bad. I love my husband and he has a great personality, but his impulsivity ( what I call diarreha of the mounth) and so many other things can just wear you out.
Sometimes I just feel like screaming. We argue about everything, I've read all the books. Sometimes I just want to hear from other wives it will be okay. In the back of my mind I know we will be together forever, but in the front of my mind I want to leave. He is so insensitive to my feelings. All he does is watch TV when he is home. I need help with overcoming the pain of the hurtful things he has said to me in the past. I just can't understand why ADD people are allowed to say whatever they ACCIDENTALLY want and not be held accountable for it because, they suffer from impulse control??????

My husband is a diehard Football fan (Hyperfocusing.) Last Year (September/2002) we were celebrating my two year old's BD party. I had just given birth to our second child ten days prior. My two year old was on the floor opening presents, the rest of the family gathered around as well except my husband. He was watching football on TV. THe Coors light commercial came on and the girls start dancing around half naked in thier cheerleading outfits and while I am nursing my son trying to participate in my oldest child's party, he looks over at another family member and says, Wow that's a great commercial..........

Granted, it's a year ago, but I have so many more stories that you just would not want to repeat for embarresment. Everytime I see that commercial this football season I want to puke and If I say anything about it. I have to hear Oh great we aren't going to hear this again are we? How come when they slip up and say things that sometimes they do not even know why they said it, they don't want to hear about it anymore or you are the problem. Why am I the problem in every situation. Ijust need to lighten up or relax or get over it. I read one post on here where the lady said if her husband said she didn't tell him about something she DID tell him one more time she'd go crazy. Those type of things can drive you crazy. The whole commercial thing is not really the about the commercial. It's about the fact you can't even pay attention to me long enough for me to finish a sentence, but you can keep attention to a Coors light commercial!!!! I hope I have not bore anyone hear and hope others can understand where I am coming from. Thanks for listening!
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Old 09-07-03, 07:04 PM
waywardclam waywardclam is offline

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You sound so frustrated...

My wife is in your shoes. I am an ADD guy who says a lot of insensitive things without thinking them through too... I feel terrible about them afterwards, and people calling me on an old incident repeatedly is sort of like stabbing me in a wound that was just starting to heal, if you see what I mean?

I don't believe he (we) should not be accountable for what we say... we should have to apologize and deal with the feelings of the people around us. HOWEVER, that will NOT prevent us from saying things like that in the future. Medication might help.

As for the focusing on things OTHER than our partners... I don't have a solution for this. The trouble is, the ADD brain craves stimulation. Wives -- and I hate to say this -- often simply don't provide that. Wives DO provide love, comfort, security, meaningful discussion, etc... but those are not things that produce adrenaline, and therefore tend to put an ADD man to sleep if he must continue to focus on them. So we drift off to our interests that DO provide us adrenaline (in his case football, in my case other things, but same result).

What to do about it? I still don't know. If he understands the problem and is willing to be sensitive to your feelings about it, maybe you can work something out. My wife tries a lot these days to "do" stimulating things with me, but that is difficult, as she doesn't like intense competition, doesn't like violent or horror shows or movies, and isn't into video games. So we have to work to come up with things to do together that will stimulate me and not annoy her at the same time. And I know it is hard on her feelings because she wants me to want to be with her for the sake of being with her, not because she will do something entertaining with me... the trouble is my brain is not wired that way. If I sit with her on the couch, I fall asleep, because I feel comforted and warm and loved and secure and happy and fuzzy... but not stimulated at all...

Medication might help... I haven't started an ADD med yet, so I can't say.
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Old 09-07-03, 08:14 PM
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joanrdtobe joanrdtobe is offline
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DKtootle: Welcome to the is nice to have you here...and if at some point you would like to share an introduction about yourself, feel free to do so in the introductions section.....and meanwhile please keep posting here.....

My suggestion would be: is a compromise possible? For example you agree not to bring up stuff from the past....(and at the same time forgive him for the stuff he has said/done) in the past...and he will agree to listen to you, be more present to you and family activities.....Is he willing to limit amount of T.V. and football games watched? In other words, what is he willing to do and what are you willing to do for the sake of your marriage?

It's generally best, I have found in my limited experience with relationships when both people take responsibility for their actions and for their part in the relationship, things work out no it's not okay, just because he has ADD for him to say what he wants when he feels like and not be accountable.....ADD is not to be used as an excuse, in general for unacceptable behavior....

Are you willing to join him in a couple of football games? Hey this might work...if he sees you making an effort to please him, he may return the efforts on your behalf....but someone has to start the ball might as well be YOU??? He might even come to see that you are indeed NOT the problem in every situation....this will become apparent as you start to live in the solution.....

And what about medication anyway? Is he willing to be tested?

"If you change the way you look at things -- the things you look at change"

Dr. Wayne Dyer (The Power of Intention)
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Old 09-07-03, 08:30 PM
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Garry Garry is offline
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I wish I could get my wife to spend some time here as she could tell you lots of horror stories

She has hung by me for 18 years and I sure cant understand why but she has been a great friend and coach

I am now just starting to get my ADD act together but I never would have done it with out her support

Hang in there girl

Mabbeee I get donna to respond to this one if I can
I do not have a disease - I do not " Have ADD "

I am ------------ ADD
Addaptable, Directed, Determined

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Old 09-08-03, 09:06 AM
tiggwin tiggwin is offline

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Originally posted by Paul S
Wives -- and I hate to say this -- often simply don't provide that. Wives DO provide love, comfort, security, meaningful discussion, etc... but those are not things that produce adrenaline, and therefore tend to put an ADD man to sleep if he must continue to focus on them. So we drift off to our interests that DO provide us adrenaline (in his case football, in my case other things, but same result).
Paul, that was very well put, and I have to agree. My wife is in a similar situation, although I tend to be more inattentive and hyper-focused on things that don't interest her rather than impulsive. Soution? Meds have helped. Also: find something that interests both of you and do them together. For us it has always been exercise. Now that we have 2 young kids, that means taking daily walks with the kids. It gives us at some time to talk, away from distractions (at least when the toddler is keeping up with us ) .

We both love to travel so another thing we do together is discuss/plan our next trip. Just find SOMETHING that stimulates you both.
"Is is tomorrow yet?"
- my 3-year-old

"Focus on remedies, not faults."
- Jack Nicklaus
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Old 09-08-03, 12:23 PM
LindaMatteson34 LindaMatteson34 is offline
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Dear DKTOOTLE, My name is Linda and I also have the same problem too, I have a husband who is also ADHD and so is our son Davey, I am barely surviving this illness from both of them and of course I've only been married 24 yrs. plus some issues before I was married, wasn't fun at all, but sometimes I just feel like you, want to run but then what can't leave them, cause they would wonder where we are at. If you would lke, please e-mail me Thanks and please call me Linda I also have yahoo chat too if you like to talk to me, as I would like to talk to you, ok. Thank you and Take care ok DKTOOTLE
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